"Hammen, you feel like going to Iowa this weekend for the KU game?"
"I'll never go to Iowa this weekend! You'll have to kill me first!"
"Really? It'll be fun....are you sure you don't want to go?"
"Fuck you! I spit at that question!"
"Oh, c'mon....you won't even consider it?"
"Damn! Three times. OK, I'm in. What time do we leave on Friday?"
The thing that really sold me was the Drinking Decathlon that would be taking place Friday night. In the hotel room they rented, there was a bed up in a loft by itself, a queen-sized bed in the main room, and four of us sleeping there (Zim, Kyle, Brad, and me.) So we would be participating in 10 events throughout the night, accumulating 4 points for 1st place, 3 for 2nd, etc. At the end of the night, 1st place in overall points got the loft to himself, 2nd and 3rd place shared the queen-size, and last place got the floor. Each participant selected two competitions, and then the two universal events were Golden Tee and Arm Wrestling. Here's how the events played out:
1st Event: Blockus
Some board game that I had never even heard of before. All you need to know is A) it somewhat resembled a combination of Tetris and Connect Four and B) I was absolutely brutal at it. Last place.
2nd Event: Arm Wrestling
Ummmmm, the last time I was in a weight room, the Backstreet Boys were the hottest band in America, and everybody was freaking out about the dangers of Y2K. I offered to just forfeit all my matches, both to save time (we were doing a round-robin format) and to save a little bit of my dignity. They wouldn't let me forfeit "because it goes against the spirit of the Decathlon." Last place.
3rd Event: Mexican
A dice game that I had never played before. Unlike Blockus, I actually learned this game as we went along, and squeezed out a surprising 2nd place. In Dave Chappelle voice: "Clackity clackity clackity clack!"
4th Event: Sports Trivia
Now pregaming is done and we're out at the bars, and I select sports trivia on the Megatouch as one of my competitions. I'm gliding through the questions pretty easily, but I cost myself the victory when I pump my fist in celebration of getting an easy question in the double or nothing round (What college did Tom Brady go to?) This hurts my time bonus juuuust enough for Kyle to sneak in the high score. A disappointing 2nd place, and I can only blame myself. Is this what Leon Lett felt like?
5th Event: Darts
Brad's choice, and he dominates. I coast to an easy 2nd place though, as both Zim and Kyle suck at darts. We've also reached the point in the evening where every time Brad would win an event, I would yell out "Check out the big brain on Brad!" It sounded awesome in my head. No, seriously.
In retrospect, if I'm dusting off Samuel Jackson quotes from Pulp Fiction, I should've gone with "I'm a mushroom cloud layin' mutha fucka, mutha fucka!"
6th Event: Music trivia
This event began when we stepped into the bar. Every song that had been coming on the jukebox, the first person to yell out the artist got a point. First one to 3 points took first and was out, and so on. This was Brad's choice as well, but I was going to choose a similar event as one of my own, so I was thinking that I could surprise them here. Unfortunately, it was not to be. I am the youngster of the group by about 6 years, and most of the songs that were playing were right in their wheelhouse, not mine. Last place.
(Side note: this was an especially disappointing last place finish, because we unofficially continued this game for the next 16 hours, and I pretty much started dominating right after we finished the official competition. Just a bad stretch of songs for me at the worst time, I guess.)
7th Event: Pool
I chose this as my second event; not really because I am awesome at pool, but because I knew the other guys weren't very good, and I sometimes have my moments on the ol' billiards table. I take a relatively easy 1st place.
8th Event: Foosball
I was expecting a last place, because both Kyle and Zim are RIDICULOUSLY good, but it turns out Brad sucks even more than I do, so I take 3rd place with a smile on my face.
9th Event: Chug 21
Some game on Megatouch that Zim chooses. Yet another game in which the other three guys enjoy a large experience advantage over me. It is similar to blackjack, so I thought that even though I had never played before, I would adapt quickly. However, there were some nuances to the game that I didn't pick up on in time, plus I am so hammered at this point that I couldn't pick up on the nuances of tic-tac-toe, and I take another last place.
(Side note: the only bright spot is right about here, I win a $10 bet with Zim regarding who sings The O.C. theme song, which is currently playing on the jukebox. You're not going to beat me in O.C. trivia, dude. You may be able to pin me in arm wrestling in 1.6 seconds, but I know everything there is to know about The O.C. The lesson here is that there is more than one way to be manly.)
10th Event: Golden Tee
At this point, Kyle had already clinched the loft to himself, Brad had only a little work to do to wrap up 2nd place, and Zim and I were in a heated battle for 3rd. I used to be decent at Golden Tee, but hadn't played in a year; Kyle and Zim are two of the best Golden Tee players in Lawrence; and Brad is only a small step below them. So I'm not holding my breath.
Maybe because I had no illusions of winning and the pressure was off (or more likely because I was completely sauced and all I cared about was whether we were going to eat at Pita Pit or Jimmy John's when this was over) I turned in a fanstatic round and shockingly tied for first. But I lost the ensuing paper-rock-scissors tiebreaker with Brad, plus Kyle did his best "Indianapolis Colts have home-field locked up, so they're sitting Peyton Manning and playing Jim Sorgi in week 17" impression. As a result, Zim avoided last place and I didn't pick up enough points to overtake him in the overall standings.
The floor was surprisingly comfortable though.
