We were searching for a little inspiration to spice up our Saturday night out on the town. We found it in the form of Neil Patrick Harris' character Barney from How I Met Your Mother (one of the 5 funniest non-animated shows I've ever watched.) He is continually trying to get his buddies to SUIT UP! when they go drinking and is continually denied. We decided to heed his request and we suited up. Minus the jackets, of course. I've only got one suit jacket and it's probably not gonna see the light of day until my next job interview. I don't really need that thing smelling like raspberry body spray and coated in body glitter (to give you an idea of where our night ended up.)
Since we looked like a bunch of fools who just came from a wedding reception, we figured we should have some kind of a backstory, so we dusted off some fake names (Lily Aldrin, Mike Burton, Ed Stevens, Ted Moseby, Doug Dorsey, and Robyn Scherbatzky) and told people we were an investment group out of Spokane, Washington, looking at purchasing the Woodlands race track in Kansas City (which is turning into my go-to fake backstory.)
Some guy at Sandbar was absolutely grilling us on what we were doing in town, which actually helped in the long run, since it forced us to tighten our story up. The key is knowing your details, folks. Anyway, the highlight was when we told him we worked for Hurley, Brand, & Hill (a fairly obvious reference if you follow 1990's college basketball) and he paused, rolled it over in his head and replied, "You know, I think I've heard of them." Ummmm, no you haven't.
We eventually took our shitshow to Brother's (holler!) and then to the Ninth Wonder of the World....The Outhouse. Noles had heard the tales of wonder and mystique that can only occur at a BYOB strip club, and needed to experience it for himself, so who are we to stop him from accomplishing his dreams?
Anyway, there are no outstanding stories from The Outhouse.....I mean, decent ones, but after Paul successfully jacked $20 out of a stripper's G-string, the bar has been set pretty high. Just know that strip clubs are already fun, but when, instead of a chair, you're sitting on a big cooler like you're at a picnic or a softball game or something....strip clubs become more fun.
I realize that this post is pretty weak sauce, and I'm not paying proper tribute to our night of shenanigans, but I'm leaving for North Dakota in t minus now, so this baby needs to get put to bed. OK, pretend this is like a review session for a final exam, and you need to know the main points so you can update your study guide (you nerd.)
1. Things that make an otherwise normal night of partying much more awesome:
- SUITING UP!
- Fake names and backstories
- BYOB strip clubs
2. Actual names of successful consulting firms:
- McKinsey & Company
- Oliver Wyman
- Towers Perrin
3. NOT an acutal consulting firm:
-Hurley, Brand, & Hill
4. Hammen's Theorem on Objects Used as Seating Options:
Coolers > Chairs
5. Which method of obtaining a drink in a strip club is most desirable?
a. Going up to a bar and paying $9.50 for a bottle of Bud Light that tastes like it sat in the trunk of a car all afternoon
b. Having to give your credit card to a topless server, then hoping they don't randomly add $70 to your bill at the end of the night when you're too drunk to realize it
c. Rummaging around your cooler looking for a keg cup in which to pour your $8 bottle of champagne
Answer: C
6. Here's a question I won't tell you the answer to. Out of our six fake names, three came from a current TV show, two came from a show cancelled about 5 years ago, and the sixth came from a 90's movie. What were they? No googling.
