Who'd Play Who?

The age-old question: if Hollywood was going to make a movie about your life, which actor would play you? Well, I'm going a step further, and saying which specific character from a TV show/movie would play some of my buddies. For the most part, I'm not basing this on looks, just personalities. But there are some resemblances with some of them. OK, maybe just one based entirely on looks:

Russell played by Tiger Woods. I mean, I had to. We should all pitch in and pay Russell to buzz his hair, I've always wanted to see how much more he would look like him. OK for real now, and no more athletes as actors, either.

Jake played by....

...Chandler Bing from Friends. This one is unexplainable for me because there is no denying that Jake's sense of humor mirrors Chandler's, and Jake is probably the funniest guy I know, yet every time Chandler makes a joke, I fantasize about holding a branding iron to his face and hearing him scream "Could that BE any hotter?" You figure it out.

DVJS played by....


...Chris McCandless, aka Alexander Supertramp from Into the Wild. I could totally see DVJS pulling the same kind of stunt, only replace "hunting and cooking supplies and living in the Alaskan wilderness" with "a basketball and the internet and living in the Staples Center parking lot." Plus that hair/beard combo is totally DVJS, circa March 2008.


ADawg played by....


...Marty McFly from Back to the Future. I've made this joke in various forms countless times, so I won't beat Eight Belles here, but this one might be my favorite one on the whole list. I wish everyone out there could just hang out with ADawg for like 3 hours, and then go home and watch Family Ties or Teen Wolf or something. You wouldn't be able to stop laughing the entire movie.

Fundy played by....

...T1000 from Terminator 2. Neither one of them talk very much, and when they do, it's usually pretty creepy.


Kos played by....


...Jay from Mallrats, Clerks, etc. Just seems right.


Bergman played by....




...O'Bannion from Dazed and Confused. Has plenty of friends, but some people are quick to find him annoying and cut him less slack, even though he's only pulling the same shit as all his friends are. Basically just misunderstood. And I can compare Bergman to a jackass character cause we're friends like that.


Noles played by....


...whatever David Schimmer's name was on Friends. He may or may not be upset with this one, but I stand by it. Is it weird that I think Friends is the most unfunny, overrated show of my generation, but that I also think two of my buddies closely resemble their characters?

Schne played by....

...Rubin from Road Trip. Minus the giant pothead part. Usually is the level-headed voice of reason amongst our shenanigans, but every once in a while is the cause of them.


Dunph played by....

...Ari Gold from Entourage. I won't debate this one. Biggest slam dunk on the list.

St. Aubyn played by....



...Frank from Old School. Pretty self-explanatory. Except imagine that Frank the Tank went on to become a police officer, and subsequently a shell of his former self, and imagine how heartbroken Mitch would be. I'm Mitch right now.

Jon Jon played by....

...every single David Spade character ever. I'm usually a pretty sarcastic guy, but even I can't escape Jon Jon's shadow of being a wiseass. Literally. Get it?!? He's really tall, so he has a large shadow....Ba-zing! I can never turn down an opportunity to make a tall joke at Jon Jon's expense.

Lane played by....

...the opposite of Tom Hanks' character in Big. I know this is kind of weak sauce, but this is the best way I could illustrate that while Tom Hanks is a 13-year-old stuck in a 30-year-old body, Lane is a 58-year-old stuck in a 26-year-old body. I suppose I could've used Jamie Lee Curtis' character in Freaky Friday or something like that, but then I would have to admit that I know enough about Freaky Friday to tell you the basic plot and that Jamie Lee starred in it. You know the book Tuesdays With Morrie? I could write a book called Saturday Mornings With Lane and it would be me and him sitting in lawn chairs, drinking beer and rotating the sprinklers every half an hour.


I'd have to include myself in this one, it wouldn't be fair for me to escape punishment. Based on what approximately EVERY SINGLE PERSON I'VE EVER MET IN MY LIFE has told me, I would have to go with Jimmy Fallon's character in Fever Pitch. There are some undeniable similarities, like I take sports wayyyy too seriously, and I have the bedroom decor of a 12-year-old. However...I would never, EVER, consider getting rid of kick-ass Red Sox season tickets just for a chick. Especially if that chick is anywhere near as ugly as Drew Barrymore. Jesus. One time I broke up with a girl who was a Yankees 'fan.' It wouldn't be entirely truthful if I said that was the reason I broke up with her....but I can honestly say it was in the top 2.

Dammit! Sit down, you land monster! The bases are loaded, and Varitek is coming up next. The hot dog guy will be back next inning, you can just buy two then, I promise.

I'm sure there will be a few agreements/disagreements with this one. The comment section could get a little rowdy.