Saved By the Bell. What a show. It taught virtually an entire generation of impressionable kids valuable lessons on being a high school student. It showed us how to pick on nerdy kids; date multiple people at the same time; unmercifully exclude others from your clique based almost exclusively on looks; throw parties when your parents are gone; skip school; intentionally give out bad advice on a teen-line; sabotage weddings; run up enormous amounts of debt on your parents' credit card; make fake i.d.'s; nearly get away with drinking and driving and wrecking your parents' car; brainwash the entire school with subliminal messages; find random people off the streets to act as your parent; and most of all, how to cheat: on boyfriends/girlfriends, history mid-terms, chess matches, radio contests, glee club concerts, beauty pageants, and probably more that I'm forgetting right now.
But what I'll mainly remember is the laughter. My top 5 favorite episodes of all-time:
But what I'll mainly remember is the laughter. My top 5 favorite episodes of all-time:
5. The one where Zack bets he can cut every class during Cut Day even though one more cut means suspension
This one is classic Zack Morris. Only Zack makes a bet like this, against impossible odds and staring down the face of danger, aka Belding. A series of incompetent teachers, fake lottery tickets, chocolate-covered insects, and a protest by Jessie Spano and some other environmentally-conscious dude help the cause as well. Even though Zack loses the bet on a technicality (which is a typical asshole move by Slater, by the way, what a tool) he's still a winner in my book. Favorite quote:
"The crunchy part's the thorax. YUH-HUH-HUH!"
I know it obviously doesn't read well, but that weird laughing noise Zack makes is hilarious. And impossible to impersonate. My brother and I have been trying for like 15 years now. Favorite randomly awesome moment of the entire series.
4. The one where Zack has a dream about their band, "The Zack Attack"
I'm about 92% sure that some VH1 interns were up at 3 am getting stoned, destroying a bag of cool ranch Doritos, talking about how cool Kurt Cobain was, and watching TBS when this re-run came on. 30 minutes later, wham-o! Behind The Music is born. The lightning-fast rise to success, the girls, the fame, the prima donna star thinking he's bigger than the band, the break-up, the star realizing he lost his way, the rock bottom, the re-uniting, the comeback tour. It's all here, and narrated by the one and only Casey Kasem, no less. Man, their songs are just brutal, but somehow it flied back then. How 'bout those early 90's? Good stuff. Favorite quote: lots of them, but I'll have to go with the magical lyrics:
"Friennnnnnnnnnnnds foorrrrr-everrrrrrrr!!!! Always will be friennnnnnnnnnnds!!! Talkin' 'bout friennnnnnnnnds foorrrr-everrrrrr!!!!! Always will be friennnnnnnnnnds!!!!!"
And if that song doesn't get stuck in your head now, nonstop, for the next 6-8 months, then you're a better man than I.
3. The one where Kelly meets that college dude at The Max and breaks up with Zack
This one is one of the more emotional episodes, and could be higher, but I can't get over how they just completely emasculated my boy Zack is this one. In real life, after Kelly Kapowski confesses her kiss with Jeff, then breaks up with him, Zack would've immediately shotgunned like 17 beers, nailed 3 or 4 of the dozens of Bayside girls that were in love with him, and the episdoe would've ended with him stumbling down the street at 6 a.m., carrying a half-empty bottle of Cutty Sark, still wearing his Homecoming King crown, and yelling to no one in particular: "I'm Zack Morris!!! Zack Fucking Morris!! I run shit here!! King Kong ain't got shit on me!!!!"
Instead, he totally pusses out and promises Kelly his eternal friendship. A.C. Slater and Jessie Spano performing a goosebump-inspiring version of a Michael Bolton song while this is all going down is nice, too. Favorite quote:
"So do you like him?"
"Yes....no.....I don't know.....it wasn't supposed to be this way. Not for us."
"I thought we'd always be together, Kelly."
"Can we still be friends?"
"Can we still be friends?"
"Forever."
C'mon, Preppy. Find your sack.
2. The one where the girls start a "band" and Jessie gets into "drugs"
Where to start with this one? Zack sending Screech into the girls' locker room to record the girls singing so he can give the tape to a record producer? Screech, dressed as a janitor, subsequently telling the girls he is Sinead O'Connor's grandma or something, and the girls believing it? Slater telling Jessie that pills are dangerous, and Jessie responding "Yeah? So is geometry." ??? The music video that the girls, now known as The Hot Sundaes, recorded? Your guess is as good as mine. And if you don't know what my favorite quote is going to be, then you obviously didn't watch this episode 62 times from 1991-1997.
"I'm sooooo excited!!!!! I'm SO EXCITED!!! I'm so...........SCARED!!"
If Jessie Spano was scared then, I wonder how she felt after watching herself bang that dude in the swimming pool in 'Showgirls.' Now THAT'S scary. Yikes.
1. The one where Johnny Dakota comes to do an anti-drug commercial, only he does drugs himself
The first thing I love about this episode is Johnny Dakota himself. He's supposed to be the biggest star in Hollywood, but he's like 5'7'' with floppy-ass hair and slight acne scarring. Apparently he was dating Kelly Kapowski in real life, and so that's how he got the part. Immediately the guys hate on Dakota, cause they see how the girls are in love with him. But then he is totally cool to them, and large man-crushes ensue. Then comes the big Hollywood party, where Dakota tries to pressure Kelly into doing drugs, leading to Zack intervening, and everyone leaving the party, their hetero and homo dreams of Johnny Dakota going up in flames. This is another unrealistic scene in Saved By The Bell lore. If, say, Tupac and Dr. Dre showed up at my high school when I was 15 or 16, I would've smoked every ounce of chronic they offered me, then stayed at the strip club making it rain with them until 10 o'clock the next morning. If Pac would've given me his jacket (like Dakota gave Zack his) I would've asked him if he wanted me to shoot Puff Daddy. Fuck biology class, son.
Then comes the big commercial shoot that the gang walks out on, highlighted by Lisa Turtle totally serving Dakota: "When I wanted to talk to you I couldn't. Now that I can....I don't want to." Live television audience: "OOOOOOOOooooohhhhhhhhhhh." If you listen real close, you can hear someone in the crowd yell, "Ohhhh shit, Johnny! Shit just got real! Face, bitch! Face!!!!"
Or so I imagine. Then the kids tell Belding what happened, and they shoot their own anti-drug commercial, which is glorious beyond words. And I'm pretty sure I still know it by heart:
"Dumb."
"Stupid."
"Crazy."
"Dangerous."
"Stinks."
"In one word, would I use dope? Nope." (Zack, you badass.)
"Hi, I'm Brandon Tartikoff from NBC, and I've got a hit idea for the new fall season: Don't. Do. Drugs."
Entire cast: "There's no hope with dope!"
Annnd scene. I look forward to everyone else's favorites.
I'm not even gonna try and call "No Homo" on this one.
