A bonus Saturday post! I am just trying to get this out of my head quick before I forget some of the details. Here is the story of the assault and battery of Curtis the Altima. A fairly routine situation turned into quite the ridiculous story...
I get a knock on the door Friday night. Police Officer tells me some people have been "kicking on my car." I chuckle, grab my jacket, and head outside with him. This is far from the first the time that my car has been vandalized, so I'm not too pissed. (Note: this is one of the fundamental imbalances in my personality. A cop can tell me that someone has been trashing my car, and I just kinda laugh. However, if the same cop had knocked on my door and said "I'd like to inform you that the Boston Red Sox have traded David Ortiz and Josh Beckett to the New York Yankees for Derek Jeter and Joba Chamerlain" I would've thrown a gigantic shit-fit right there on the patio, and my entire weekend would've been ruined. That's just me.)
I should tell you that when the cop told me what happened, it sounded to me like he said "Some girls have been kicking your car." So on our way to the parking lot, we pass another cop and the two girls. The cop says to them, "There's your victim right there." One of the girls looks at me and says "Aww, poor guy!" Incredulous, I manage to mumble "Uhh, yeah" but in my head I'm saying "Fuck you bitch! What the fuck?" As the cops are taking pics of my car, it becomes apparent to me that he said "some girls HEARD someone kicking your car." Which explains why the girl had the nerve to say something to me. All of a sudden, the cops get something in their radio, say "We gotta take care of something, we'll be back." Umm, OK. After standing there by myself in the cold for about 20 minutes, deliberating on how cool it would be to jump in the idling cop car and take off, I decide I'm gonna walk around front, or go inside, or just see what the holy hell is going on. There is a huge commotion in the quad, with multiple cops, a party getting broken up, and a dude in handcuffs. I see the girl (referred to from now on as Witness1) who had said something to me earlier, and I tell her how I thought she was the one who had kicked my car, we laugh, and she fills me in and what happened.
Apparently, Witness1 was sitting in her bedroom, next to the window, when a white truck pulled up. These guys get out of the truck, make eye contact with her through the window, WAVE TO HER, and immediately start booting the shit out of my car. Are you kidding? This is when she called the cops.
There is quite a crowd outside now, so we all get to talking. It is quite the shitshow here tonight at the Reserves. Besides the car booting, there are about 3 parties getting broken up; some other dudes, fearing that they were getting busted next, frantically emptying their apartment of all their stolen road signs; and a guy getting arrested for attempting to steal the purple Vespa that has been sitting at the bike rack since August. We find out later that he was one of the dudes who had been giving my car the Daniel LaRusso treatment.
Another girl (Victim2) comes up with her side view mirror in her hand. I guess Curtis wasn't the only one who got roughed up. Finally, 45 minutes after my initial meeting with Cop1, another guy (Cop2) approaches myself and Victim2 and we go back to the parking lot, along with Witness1 and Witness2. As Cop2 is getting Victim2's info, fate intervenes. A couple dudes (Assbag1 and Assbag2) come stumbling into the parking lot, hesitate when they see us, whisper to each other for a couple seconds, and start getting into the white truck! Witness1 and Witness2 alert Cop2 that these are, in fact, the guys that committed the crime that they were investigating. Cop2 calls backup. Assbag1 realizes, as luck would have it, that he was blocked in by Cop2's car. Cop2 tells him just a moment, he'll move in a second.
This is when Assbag2 decides to get involved. This guy is HAMMERED. I'm talking like "Haley dressed up as Richie Tenenbaum, after 20 beers, a nasty fall on the Culligan roof, and a concussion" drunk. It's 11 pm, and he's rocking sunglasses and everything. He staggers up to Cop2.
Assbag2 "OK, we'll just, we'll just wait for you to move your car then."
Cop2 "Yep, just a minute, I'll move in a second. Lemme get this gal's info, I'll be right with you."
Assbag2 "I understand. I understand. I understand. I understand." (all of us are staring at him in amazement; I'm trying desparately not to bust out laughing) "I am under your jur-jur-jurissss-jur-jurisdiccctionnnn, sir."
Cop2 "OK, good. Now just wait a couple minutes."
Assbag2 "You are in con-control. You are in control. Youuuu!"
Cop2 "Yes, I am. Now GO WAIT OVER THERE!"
Assbag1 apparently isn't Special Olympics drunk like his buddy, and he's getting nervous, starting to realize that the Cops really aren't going to just move their car and let them walk away from this. Smart guy. Assbag2, however, sees me standing there, thinks I'm just another shitfaced dude hanging in the parking lot, and comes up to me. I decide fuck it, I'll bullshit with the dude who kicked the shit out of my car. He's getting arrested anyway. I'm glad I did. I will never forget this conversation, ever.
Assbag2 "Heyyyyyyy, man! What is UP?"
Me "Hey, BROSEF, what's goin' on? Havin a good fuckin' night? Damn, your future must be so bright that you gotta wear sunglasses all the time, huh?"
Assbag2 "Your future....pssssshhhh hahahahaha that is awesome! Future! I like you. I like you! I LIKE YOU! You are the fuckin man! What's your name?"
Me "Adam Banks, nice to meet you."
Assbag2 "My name is Carl. You are awesome!"
Me "Hey, CARL, GOOD TO SEE YOU!"
Carl "Hahahaha, Billy Madison, I get that shit all the time, man. All the time. Allllllll the tiiiiiiiime!!!! Billy Madddddddisoooooonnnnnnnn!!!!"
Me "So you havin' a good time then or what? Fuckin' Friday night, man!"
Carl "It IS Friday! I like your outlook, you have a positive outlook on shit. Welllllll I was havin a good time until all this shit started happening, man. But you know, shit can't always be-be-be-be-ummmmm......"
Me "Glorious?"
Carl "Glorious! I fuckin love that word! Yeah, glorious! It can't all be glory, man. Glory. And you know what you do when it's not glory?"
Me "I have no idea..."
Carl "You wait! You WAIT! You wait for it to be glory times again, man!"
Me, laughing my ass off by this point "Yeah, Carl, yeah. Glory times...Glory times."
And it goes on and on like this for a while. Pure magic. It was at this point that Cop3 came over to me. He tells me it's my turn to give my info. Here's the best part of the whole incident:
By this time, since we've been talking for all of 3 minutes and Carl has decided I'm the coolest guy in the world, he is standing with his arm draped around me like we've been boys for 10 years. When it finally sinks in that I'm one of the people whose car he fucked up, and that I'm going to talk to the cop now, the look on his face is PRICELESS. He slowly takes his Oakleys off, gives me a look of betrayal like I just shot his dog or something, and slowly removes his arm and backs away from me. While I am holding my stomach and trying not to fall in the snow laughing, he turns and starts "running." He could've moved faster in a motorized wheelchair. I tell Cop3 "Um, we've got a runner...." and the cops chase him down within 4 seconds.
So basically I give them my info, Assbag1 and Carl stick to their story of denial, but the cops assure me that they will be prosecuted. I'll hear back next week. So now Curtis has a bunch of dents, scratches, and a kicked in side-view mirror. But as long as the judicial system works for me, it was well worth it for the chance to meet a character like Carl.
I mean, how drunk do you have to be to go boot a bunch of cars while someone is watching you? Classic.
It was nice to meet you, Carl. I already miss you. Glory Times.
