I Can't Get Into Jessica Alba (No Homo)

This post is a response to Bowen's blog from a while back that listed his favorite women in showbiz. His number 1 was Jessica Alba. I am the only guy I know who doesn't think she is smoking hot. I can't help it; she is a good-looking girl, but I said at the time that I don't think she would crack my top 20. I was subsequently asked to name my top 20. At first I thought maybe I made an unrealistic claim, but this was actually easier than I thought. Alba might not make my top 30. Anyways, I didn't put them in order, but here are 20 women I think are hotter than Jessica Alba:

1. Jessica Simpson
2. Jessical Biel
3. Lindsey Lohan (not the 2005 version)
4. Anna Kournikova
5. Jennifer Aniston
6. Angelina Jolie
7. Elisha Cuthbert
8. Beyonce
9. Alicia Keys (sure to take some heat for this one, but see her in Smokin' Aces, then we can argue)
10. Natalie Portman
11. Rachel Bilson
12. Mandy Moore
13. Halle Berry
14. Olivia Wilde
15. Elisha Dushku
16. Rachel McAdams
17. Kiera Knightley
18. Sarah Michelle Gellar
19. Eva Mendes
20. Kirsten Dunst

So there it is. You can give me shit; I'm used to it regarding this topic. For the record, Scarlett Johanssen doesn't get me real fired up either.

A couple of completely off-topic messages to pass along:

Brandon Rush: Be cool. Stay in school.

Gary Thorne: The bloody sock is real. Just because Schill is in the middle of throwing a gem at your boys, don't get mad and make things up. For shame.

We're Not In Kansas Anymore

One of the better weekends in recent memory, due to a great time in Lawrence and Kansas City and a fantastic sweep of the Yanks.

Thursday: Leave Grand Forks around noon. When Alex falls asleep, Danny and I pass the time by putting the lottery teams in a hat, doing a mock lottery, then divvying up teams and doing our version of the first round of the NBA draft. Alex wakes up around the 19th pick, figures out what we're doing, mutters "you guys are unbelievable," then goes back to sleep. Arrive in Lawrence about 10, pick up Lane and Skye, and hit Henry McT's for 1$ beers and 3$ chicken strip baskets. It goes without saying that I will be a frequent visitor of Henry McT's.

Friday: Apartment hunting all day. Look at 8 different places, and the longshot going in (The Reserves on West 31st) emerges as the runaway victor. The only downside is the lease doesn't begin until mid-August, so it appears that I am stuck in GF for longer than planned. Get back to Lane and Skye's, where we are joined by Dunph, who is training in K.C. Game on.

We go to Bigg's Barbeque, and for the next 2 hours, I don't put a thing in my mouth that doesn't taste phenomenal....except for my foot, which doesn't taste so great as Gay-Rod homers twice (see preceding post.)

When we arrive at the Red Lyon, I am at the bar getting my first Morgan of the night, a little bit sullen, when a dude in a Sox hat slaps me as he walks by and points at a TV. It's now 6-4 and we're still threatening. After the comeback is complete my mood is restored. Let's booze. As if that comeback wasn't enough, we then watch Dunph do his best Roy McAvoy impression on the 18th in Golden Tee, and Lane impossibly erases a six-shot deficit in one hole for the W. Good times all around.

After bar is when things get interesting. No one really remembers when the conversation turns left into Ridiculousville, but Dunph ends up throwing down the challenge that we all shave our beards and sport moustaches for the Royals-Twins game the next day. While we're at it, we shave Lane's head, the dog, and put a fade in my head, Julian-style. Yikes.

Saturday, 10:00 AM: I have now slept a total of 8 hours in two nights, and am feeling the effects. Not even the Old Reliable from Subway (Roast beef, cheese, lettuce, onions, salt and pepper on italian) can pull me out of it. I have doubts about tailgating.

Saturday, 12:30 PM: Doubts erased after a couple of parking lot beers. Feeling good about drinking, betting on the Twins against Zach Greinke at -1 1/2, and my moustache. Kaufmann Field is beautiful. It slides into my #4 spot behind Fenway, Wrigley, and Camden. Keep in mind my list is only of stadiums I've been to.

Now normally we are gonna talk at least a little bit of shit, especially when the crowd is only 60/40 Royals fans, but don't let anyone tell you differently: Royals fans are surprisingly feisty. This leads to some interesting exchanges:

Guy in front of us nearly has a heart attack cheering after a misplayed ball leads to two early K.C. runs. Dunph tells him, "You might as well cheer for something, cause it's not gonna be for wins."

Guy behind us exclaims that Emil Brown is his favorite player after he catches a fly ball. "What?!?!" Lane screams, and starts dialing his phone. "Lane, who are you calling?"

"My dad, to tell him that this guy's favorite goddam player is Emil Brown!"

During a between-inning home run derby for little kids, a kid in a Royals hat is swinging and missing repeatedly. Dunph lets our whole section know: "That's pretty typical of Kansas City baseball: Shitty." After the kid is done and the Twins fans are booing him, Dunph shouts "You suck just like the Royals!!!" For some reason I think this is the funniest thing I have ever heard, and it results in me giggling for a solid inning and a half.

Late in the game, a guy a few sections away drops a foul ball. A guy in front of us states "He woulda had that if he was wearing a glove." I let him know "It wouldn't matter if he caught the ball, he'd be a huge dork for wearing a glove to a game." 35 year old guy next to first guy turns around, flashes a glove at me, and says "Oh yeah? What's wrong with that?" Me: "Ummm, you look like a huge dork." That one got tons of laughs from our surrounding area.

OK, maybe those weren't examples of Royals fans being feisty. Just losers. Except for one old man who told Lane as he walked out of the stadium "Have some class you dumbass." That was pretty cool, plus bonus points for rhyming while being feisty. And yes, the Twins covered the spread.

Sunday: Nothing eventful during the day, besides a loss for Kobe, which never hurts. On the drive home Danny and I set up the NBA brackets and pick the winners. By winners I mean "which coach would kick the other coach's ass." I have a finals of Sam Mitchell over Jeff Van Gundy (what can I say, Van Gundy impressed me when he got dragged around by Alonzo ten years ago), while Danny goes with Scott Skiles over Jerry Sloan. This is followed by the wonderful Sox-Yanks game on ESPN radio, highlighted by the four homers in a row. We heard the first three, then abruptly lost the station. As I frantically scan through the others, I scream about how Varitek was probably gonna go deep while I was hitting the fucking seek button. I'll let you figure out what happened next. Still a great game, great series, and great sweep. Best record in baseball, with the slumping Blue Jays coming to town.

Thank you Lane and Skye for being superb hosts, the Royals for sucking and letting me and Dunph win $150 when the Twins tried their hardest to lose, and Dan Schulman and Dave Campbell for bringing me some happiness during a long, boring drive.

First Round Fever

In Lawrence apartment-hunting with Danny and Alex, along with our marvelous hosts Skye and Lane, but this is too awesome of a first round of NBA playoffs not to offer my wonderful opinion. So, quickly:

Detroit over Orlando in 5
Cleveland over Washington in 4
Toronto over New Jersey in 7
Chicago over Miami in 7

Dallas over Golden State in 5
Phoenix over Los Angeles in 5
San Antonio over Denver in 6
Houston over Utah in 7

Gay-Rod's fantastically gay streak of hitting gay home runs comes to a screeching halt this weekend, as well.

Let Me Clear My Throat

Here are some people who have been mildly upsetting me in my day-to-day life lately:

The asian guy from the Cingular commercials. What a fucking toolshed this guy is. His entire life revolves around how sweet his phone is. All he does is hang around the white guy with an inferior phone. They go to sporting events; he makes fun of his phone. They go to a concert; he makes fun of his phone. They travel to fucking Europe together and the dude is still ripping on his phone! Why don't you go hang out some real friends and do something fun? Wait, you probably don't have any real friends because you're a giant douchebag who only wants to talk about your cell phone. You better just go hang out with the half-tard white guy. And to the white guy: what are doing hanging out with this asian dude? Do you have a fetish for verbal abuse? Take a look in the mirror. You can do better. Actually I'm not even positive it's a Cingular commercial cause I'm usually too angry about the asian guy.

Ice Cube. What the fuck? How bad can you sell out? At least the movies you were doing before were a little bit gangsta. Lame, but at least you were shooting people. Now we've graduated onto "Are We There Yet?" and the most recent "Are We Done Yet?" How about "Are YOU Done Yet?" This is the same guy who helped put gangsta rap on the map. He rapped about shooting police with N.W.A, beating the shit out of Cypress Hill with the Westside Connection, and now he's driving a couple of bratty kids around in a minivan and battling with talking raccoons. Not saying that I enjoy or encourage violence in the rap world, but if it were 1997, there's no way this shit would be going on. Cube would've got popped long before he decided to sell his barbershop (and his soul.)

The guy at Fenway who threw his slice of pizza. French, maybe you have some inside info, but taking the replay at face value, what the fuck? Was he an Angels fan? Was the guy who muffed the foul ball an Angels fan? Was the dude pissed about the weather? Was the pizza just that bad? Was the guy just hammered and it seemed like a good idea at the time? Questions abound. In my Fenway experiences I have seen nothing close to Sox Fan-on Sox Fan crime.

Joakim Noah, Al Horford, and Corey Brewer. I know everyone hates Noah, but the more I watched Florida this year, the more I hated all of them. At first I thought it was good for college ball, that everyone came back to win another title when they could've been lottery picks. But these dudes are some cocky fucks. Horford is the one who really snuck up on me. I thought he was a pretty solid guy, until against Oregon I saw him grab a rebound, flex his muscles, glance down at them, glance up at the Oregon student section, glance back down at his muscles, and then throw an outlet pass. This was during a play! So then I start actually watching him, and he is talking shit the whole game. Same with Brewer. Add in Horford's little shimmy in the championship game (I knew that was coming at some point) and Noah's post-game interview bullshit ("you don't even know what I'm talking about right now, but my Gator boys do") and there you have it. I would give up one of my testicles to see Noah pull his screaming routine after an ordinary layup against Kevin Garnett. Maybe even both of them. I hope that second championship trophy is worth it. It cost you millions. Have fun being a scrub in the pros.

10 Things I Hate About Ju

Editors note: I do not hate Julian Wright. At all. I was gonna call this post '10 things I hate about Julian leaving', but could you pass up the title I ended up using? Me neither.

1) He is my second favorite Jayhawk of all time, after Hinrich.

2) He is also probably the most fun to watch Jayhawk of my time, in his own way. Not like a "whatever bad things may happen, it's OK, because Kirk will make it all better" but a "Julian's on a fast break...there's an equal chance he will cross over this point guard, spin, and dunk over their center...or he will dribble it off his knee" kind of way. To put it another way, watching Kirk made you feel like you were wrapped up in a warm blanket, with a glass of milk and some fresh cookies. Watching Julian was like riding on a roller coaster without the safety bar down. Both ways were fun.

3) I never got to see him play in person, due to unavailability of tickets his freshman year, and me not being able to make time to get down there this year. I figured next year I would be seeing him play multiple times. Now I can only wish.

4) This was a complete and total 180. All year long he said he was staying. He even used the phrase "100% sure." Maybe I should've learned after Roy that there are no sure things, but still. He said he recently saw how high his draft status was. What?!? He's been a top-10 pick all year, and at the 4 spot the last half year. He didn't know that? Plus, since the Final 4, he has actually been passed by Horford, Hibbert, Brewer, Green, and Yao Ming Part 2, and is back down in the 10ish range.

5) With Afflalo going pro, we were probably preseason #1 next year. And if Brandan Wright goes pro, we probably would've been a unanimous #1.

6) I think this results in Brandon Rush going pro now too. We could handle the loss of one of them and still be in title contention. Not both. I believe one thing in Rush's head was "if I do come back, at least everyone else will be there and we will have a shot to win a title again..." Now I don't know.

7) I'm not very used to players leaving early. In my era, only Drew Gooden and Paul Pierce have left. With Gooden, you knew it was coming. You were prepared for it. Same with Pierce, to a slightly lesser extent. Not with Julian.

8) The wounds from the UCLA game were beginning to scar over a bit. I was starting to check preseason rankings, reading about the new recruits coming in, getting excited about how pissed and motivated everyone (except Rush) was, and then BAM.

9) How, if for just one season, it was cool to shave your name in your head again. Even if it was just the JU. I was aboutthisclose to putting a JI on my dome.

10) I really, really, really don't need another reminder about how it ain't easy being a Jayhawk fan. The scary thing is I don't even live there yet. Vegas has the odds at 3-2 that I suffer multiple heart attacks next year.

National League Preview '07

To clarify on the whole fair-weather fan subject, my main beef is with the people who act all diehard and live and die with every pitch...once they matter. If you don't claim to be a huge fan (Ben, and Danny with the A's) I have no problem with that. The number of people who came out of the woodwork a couple years ago, disappeared last spring, then re-emerged in the second half of the year astounded and disgusted me. These are the same people that probably didn't watch a game from 1993-2002, and the new team they adopted in that time frame is probably struggling now. Anyhoo...

NL EAST:

1. New York Mets: The pitching won't scare anyone, but like the Yanks, this lineup is ridiculous. In the NL that's more than enough.

2. Philadelphia Phillies: After another good off-season, will this be the year they live up to expectations? Yes!!! Well, probably. Maybe....umm, we'll wait and see.

3. Florida Marlins: There will probably be some sophomore slumps, but I wouldn't be surprised at all to see them challenge the Mets.

4. Atlanta Braves: Weird to see them this low. We'll have to get to used to it, because they're not going anywhere for a while.

5. Washington Nationals: Yikes. To quote Bill Walton, this team is ATROCIOUS.

NL CENTRAL:

1. St. Louis Cardinals: Any team in this division could conceivably win it, but until one of these teams steps up and does it, I'm sticking with the Birds.

2. Milwaukee Brewers: A lot of young studs on this team. Under the radar.....

3. Cincinnati Reds: Moving to right a great move for Junior. A spotty rotation and worse bullpen, but they find ways to win.

4. Chicago Cubs: If you spend over $300 million and only add Soriano and a bunch of average guys...I mean, wow. Wow.

5. Houston Astros: Even if Clemens choo-choo-chooses Houston, it won't be enough. The Oakland of the National League doesn't have it in them this year.

6. Pittsburgh Pirates: I'm comfortable with them being anywhere from 2nd to last in this division. Like the Brewers, lots of young guys to get excited about.

NL WEST:

1. Los Angeles Dodgers: Lineup got worse, pitching got better. I really want to take Colorado here, but a team that employs Byung-Hung Kim just cannot win a division.

2. Colorado Rockies: Have a good young core, but need to take advantage of Todd Helton before he is totally washed up.

3. San Diego Padres: Decent pitching, but I am just not feeling them. They overachieved a ton last year.

4. Arizona Diamondbacks: A year or two away from getting a stranglehold on the division.

MVP: Relax, Albert, you got it this year. Don't get pissed at Ryan Howard again. Runner-up: Carlos Beltran.

Cy Young: Brandon Webb. Runner-up: Roy Oswalt.

Rookie of the Year: Chris Young. Runner-up: Kevin Kouzmanoff.

Most improved: Hanley Ramirez. Runner-up: Prince Fielder.

Biggest fall-offs: Chipper Jones, Brian Giles, Craig Biggio.

PLAYOFFS:

New York over St. Louis, Philadelphia over Los Angeles
New York over Philadelphia

American League Preview '07

To answer your question, after seeing my shirt and tie, yes, Roy Williams did ask me to join his staff as an assistant coach. I said no and told him to fuck himself. He announced a press conference and cried. On to baseball:

AL EAST:

1. New York Yankees: As biased as I am, I still think they will take the division. They might not be well set up for October, when pitching takes over, but this lineup is stupid good. You can have shitty pitching when you score 7 runs a game.

2. Boston Red Sox: On paper, this team is LOADED. If this were a season in a video game with the injuries turned off, they go all the way. Questions abound, though: Will everyone stay healthy? Will Drew and Lugo fold in Boston's pressure cooker? Will Dice-K be as good as advertised? Will Papelbon's shoulder hold up? Is Varitek done as a hitter? Will Pedroia play like he should be in the big leagues? Yikes. Let's talk in October. They could have the best record in baseball or be in 3rd in the division.

3. Toronto Blue Jays: I almost feel bad for them. Almost. One of the many, many AL teams that wish they were in the NL.

4. Tampa Bay Devil Rays: Great young nucleus, led by Kazmir and Crawford, who routinely kill the Sox. Maybe someday they can compete with the top of the division.

5. Baltimore Orioles: Throwing money at big names hasn't worked. Time for a youth movement.

AL CENTRAL:

1. Detroit Tigers: With everyone pimping the Tribe, the Tigers, who only went out and added Gary Sheffield to the AL champs, have been forgotten. Fuck that.

2. Cleveland Indians: I refuse to jump on their bandwagon. Refuse. Partly because I am bitter because back in 2002, I predicted them to take the big leap in 2005, and they didn't, and now everyone says this is the year. And partly because it is tough to watch Trot in a Cleveland uniform.

3. Minnesota Twins: The second half of last year was the result of every single player on the 25-man roster playing to the maximum of their potential. That will not happen again. And oh yeah, Liriano is out all year.

4. Chicago White Sox: Year 2 of the "2005 Was A Giant Fluke" era.

5. Kansas City Royals: Year 21 of the "1985 Was So Long Ago" era.

AL WEST:

1. Los Angeles Angels: Santana and Kendrick take the leap, and watch them get a big name at the deadline to wrap up the division.

2. Oakland A's: They can't make another ridiculous run in August with an overmatched roster after losing another star in the off-season, can they? Can they?!?!

3. Texas Rangers: Some talent, and the rotation will be better...but Eric Gagne? Sammy Sosa? Frank Cattalonoto? These are not the acquisitions that puts a team into the playoffs. The "Sign Kenny Lofton and Win the Wild Card" theory only applies to the National League.

4. Seattle Mariners: Nope.

MVP: David Ortiz. Would've won it last year if the team didn't get hurt and fall apart. Would've won it in '05 if the voters weren't gay. Runner-up: Travis Hafner.

Cy Young: Jeremy Bonderman. Runner-up: Dice-K.

Rookie of the Year: Alex Gordon. Runner-up: B.J. Upton. Umm, wait...does Dice-K count?

Most Improved: Howie Kendrick. Runner-up: Josh Barfield.

Biggest fall-offs: Frank Thomas, Jermaine Dye, Michael Cuddyer.

PLAYOFFS:

Detroit over Boston, New York over Los Angeles.
Detroit over New York.
But hopefully Boston over everybody.

It Might Always Be Sunny In Philadelphia, But It's Never Sunny In Devils Lake

Just returned from Harvey, North Dakota, where Alex's (I'm ditching 'The Woman' thing, using an alias for the girlfriend is getting old.) sister got married. On Final 4 night. Who does that? Seriously? Here were the negatives to this wedding trip:

• Have to attempt to tape the games, shut off my phone, ignore all hoop conversations, and not watch or listen to any sports channels for 20 hours.
• Have to drive to fucking Harvey. Population: Depressingly Small.
• On said drive, must pass through both Devils Lake AND Fort Totten, a little stretch of highway I like to call "The Choad of North Dakota."
• I have only met Alex's dad once, and many of the extended family never. So I had to walk the tightrope of being drunk enough to dance, so I'm not the loser boyfriend who can't have a good time; and being coherent enough so I'm not the drunk-ass boyfriend who can't hold his booze.
• Initially I was excited about my new shirt and tie ensemble, but now I'm thinking I kind of look like an assistant coach for North Carolina.
• Did I mention I had to miss the Final 4?

So here's how things played out: The drive sucked, although I did hold my middle finger out the window all the way through Fort Totten, which was surprisingly therapeutic. I did have an epiphany regarding part of the reason why I hate Devils Lake: it is never sunny there. Never. Not once have I been through the town, or in the town, when the sun was shining. Today was no different, as it was raining on and off the entire drive. Maybe I would like the town if it was sunny just once while I was there......on second thought, fuck Devils Lake.

I successfully avoided any and all information about the games, although, during the present-opening this morning, I had to put my fingers in my ears and yell "lalalalalalala" when a convo about the games unexpectedly broke out. Yeah, that's exactly what I want to do around a girlfriend's family that I just met. Not weird at all.

Best of all, I walked the drinking tightrope like the pro that I am. I have to say, I had the 'A' game working. Grandmas and Aunts loved me; Grandpas, Uncles, and male cousins respected my drinking ability. I even won over the female cousin contingent by dancing the Macarena. Don't EVER underestimate the importance of knowing the Macarena and the Electric Slide. Plus, I had the stereotypical shitfaced cousin Jason (for a little clearer picture, let's just say that he brought his own can coozy) who played the part of the guy who can't hold his booze, taking some pressure off of me. He almost sucked me down his drain by buying me three jag bombs in a five minute stretch, but like I said, all facets of my game were on.

However, the other shoe had to drop at some point, and this afternoon it did, when I found that the VCR did not record. UNBELIEVABLE. In my life, this has never worked out for me. At least the games sucked (so I've heard.) However, this is only the second Final 4 I have missed since 1989 (1998 being the other.) Not a good feeling, and it begs the question: am I destined to miss the semifinal games every 9 years? I'll let you know in 2016.

National championship and opening day for most of baseball tomorrow, and the Masters on Thursday. This is my excited face.