BENCH:
KC Caudill, Boston College. (#5 in the photo.) Give it a couple of years, and I could see him having his own sitcom on CBS, playing one of those goofy bastard dads who inexplicably has a smoke show wife, a trouble-making son, and a hot teenage daughter who gives him ALL sorts of problems.
Emanuel Chapman, North Carolina Central. The good news is, nobody from North Carolina Central will ever get busted for smoking weed, because Chapman already smoked it. All of it. He looks like Redman, only with a bigger beard, and higher. While scrolling through his pictures, I almost found myself looking for Method Man in the background. Also, as Alfonso put it, "Pretty gummy."
Marcus Smart, Oklahoma St. Everyone wonders what that loser Texas Tech fan said to Smart to make him instantly snap and go after him in the crowd. I bet it was something about his shitty haircut and acne scarring.
Ryan Spangler, Oklahoma. Like Happy Gilmore, he holds two records, and they're both terrible. He is the sweatiest dude to ever set foot on a basketball court (yes, even sweatier than Jonye) and he has the worst mess of a tribal tattoo of anyone not currently serving a prison sentence.
{Side story: Oklahoma played at KU the same day that Harold Ramis (Egon Spangler from Ghostbusters, among other things) passed away. On our way to our seats, we happened to be crossing paths with where the visiting team runs from the locker room to the court, so naturally we stopped to heckle. When Spangler jogged by, I had a sudden burst of inspiration, and I leaned in close and said, "Hey Ryan....I'm sorry about your dad." He didn't get it, but DJ Bennett, the player running next to him, definitely did. I thought it was clever as hell, personally.}
Brady Heslip, Baylor. As the only returning senior on this year's squad, it's with great sadness that I say goodbye to my boy Heslip and his floppy side part. I know I've said this before, but if he went to KU, right now we'd be having a ceremony to hang his jersey on my Wall of Fame. You can forget about him for 10-15 minutes of game time pretty easily, since he almost literally does nothing but shoot threes, and then WHAM! Out of nowhere, he makes it rain on four consecutive possessions, and all of a sudden he's getting cocky and throwing up three goggles and chest bumping black guys. We'll miss you, Brady.
Stefan Nastic, Stanford. I swear this isn't just because they took out KU in the tournament. Between his goofy mannerisms and his awkward face, he looks like the wacky Eastern European neighbor on an 80's sitcom.
Cat Barber, NC State. He looks like someone who would get busted stealing things out of dorm rooms on a recruiting visit. Which is ironic, because he more than likely got busted stealing things out of dorm rooms on a recruiting visit.
STARTING FIVE:
Terran Petteway, Nebraska
A bad beard by itself usually isn't enough to land you on the All-Ugly Team (otherwise James Michael McAdoo would've made it for his Rasheed Wallace patch-beard impersonation this year.) A bad set of braids usually isn't enough either (unless you're the legendary Alex Tyus. Never forget.) But when you combine a terrible beard with terrible hair....welcome to the squad, Terran! On top of that, Petteway is one of the rare people who has not enough tattoos. Like, if you're gonna go full shoulder and bicep, you might as well cover the forearms, too. It just looks weird to stop at the elbow and have nothing else. It's like ordering a couple Big Macs, a 12-piece McNuggets, a McFlurry, supersizing your fries...and ordering a Diet Coke because you're counting calories.
Sean Harris, Utah St.
Quick math: Charlie Villanueva + Carrot Top + Kid from Kid 'n' Play = Guaranteed starter on All-Ugly Team.
Matt Stainbrook, Xavier
Three things I can guess about Stainbrook by looking at him: His favorite movie is The Matrix. He uses the insult 'noob' at least once a day. He has a tinder account, and uses it exclusively to show girls various photographs of his balls. And judging by the look on the Creighton player's face, he smells like beef & cheese.
Adreian Payne, Michigan St.
He looks like he should be a creepy, possibly sinister mortician in one of the Final Destination movies or something.
Hugh Greenwood, New Mexico
So our old friend Hermie from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer takes over the captaincy in his junior year, but not without some controversy. This season, Greenwood ditched the wannabe-dentist elf hair that I enjoyed so much. Now he's going with this look, which can best be described as "Girl attends soccer camp, fails to bring a brush, straightener, or any sort of product, doesn't shower all week, and is now playing her heart out in the consolation championship on the last day of camp."
