Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Damn You, Brangelina

You're a real son of a bitch, Brad Pitt. One-upping me on our respective engagements like that. (Although I'll allow it if, when Brad got down on one knee and held up the ring box, Angelina did her best impression of Brad's weird faces during the ending of Seven. "What's in the baaaawwwwx?!?!?!?!" That would be awesome. If it didn't go down like that, then I'm still pissed at them.)




Scattered thoughts from getting engaged:

-- Ring purchasing, somewhat surprisingly, was a generally positive experience. As long as you're OK with the fact that you're spending thousands of dollars to put a small object on someone else's hand-- as opposed to buying a Golden Tee for your basement, paying for a lifetime supply of Chipotle burritos, or having the greatest weekend in Vegas EVER. It was kinda fun walking into the ring shop, being supplied with free beers, and spending some time learning about Emerald cuts and balancing carats and all that hullabaloo. I went in knowing nothing....and left knowing slightly more than nothing. After I made my selection and signed away my dream of owning my own Golden Tee anytime in the next decade, Gem Diamond and I slapped hands and exclaimed "Bada BING!....Bada BOOM!" so hopefully Christine's finger doesn't turn green now. I don't want to have to get Kung Fu Screech involved.




-- In order to lure Christine to a nice hotel in Kansas City without making her suspicious, I had to tell her that we were meeting Dunph, since he routinely stays in KC hotels for work, and our usual plan is that he leaves me a room key in case he isn't done working for the day yet. (TRUST me, involving Dunph in something as sacred as a marriage proposal hurts me more than it hurts you. It was too perfect a setup to pass up though.) Christine was so in shock that after saying yes, her first question was "Soooo are we still meeting Dunph?" and her second was "Are we still going to Jack Stack for dinner?" I think her brain was just firing off random questions at that point, like when Mel Gibson's wife is dying in Signs. Swing away, Merrill.

(Also, as far as Kansas City BBQ is concerned, there's Jack Stack, and there's everything else. Anyone who says any other place is better is either lying or wrong.)

-- Something I will laugh at when thinking about this night, probably forever: Teens is tall and skinny, sometimes wears glasses, and has a red-and-white-striped shirt that she wears from time to time. She made the mistake of wearing it the first time she came to North Dakota to meet a bunch of my friends last year, and within an hour she had picked up the nickname Waldo, for obvious reasons.


Since she had no idea last weekend about what was going to happen, and she wasn't too concerned about what she was wearing....she was sporting the Waldo shirt again. I was on the fence on whether or not I wanted a photographer there, ultimately deciding against it. If I would've known she was gonna be getting her Waldo on when I proposed to her, I absolutely would've brought one along, mostly for comedic purposes. That shirt is awesome.

-- If I was doubting my proposal at all (I wasn't) and needed a confirmation as to why I wanted to marry this girl (I didn't) I received one almost immediately, anyway. After the initial excitement of her saying yes died down, we hightailed it downstairs to the hotel bar. We were housing beers probably within 10 minutes of her saying yes. Hey, we have plenty of time to consummate this thing later...but right now we need to get down to the bar. Free cocktail hour ends at 7:30, bro!

-- I have a friend (who shall remain nameless) who has a girlfriend who is, um, ready to be proposed to. This friend and his GF also happen to be visiting soon, and he requested that I wait to propose until after they visit, so as not to send his woman into Proposal Frenzy (as is wont to happen with girls in this situation, as every dude on the planet who has ever been in a relationship knows.) After initially agreeing, I ended up not waiting for them to visit first. It was in the aftermath of me telling him my plan, and that it was happening immediately, that he wrote this suggestion for my proposal, which I found hilarious:

“Teens, you have been the brightest light in my life since I met you, sure I’ve had a best friend since I was 6 years old, but you mean so much to me and I just couldn’t wait the obligatory Best Friend Two Week Buffer after purchasing this fine ass ring. You look a bit confused but don’t worry, Dunph’s not here, this was the first of many lies I will tell you for the rest of our lives, until death do us part. And I couldn’t be happier spending it with anyone else. Marry me Teens and let’s get rose petal stains all over this bed!”