Question of the day (it's been too long since we've had one of these):
If you had to go on American Idol and do as good a job as you could, what song would you sing?
The reason I specified American Idol is because I want to be specific on your performance here. This isn't just 'what song you would sing in front of a large group of people?' This isn't gonna be a karaoke night where you get up there with all your girlfriends after doing a combined 32 kamikaze shots and you all crowd around the microphone and screech out 'I Will Survive' while giggling and twirling around in your neon-colored feather boas that you just bought at the thrift store before you climbed on the party bus. You're up there by yourself, and you're sober.
Nor are you going for the William Hung factor, where you just climb onstage and make an ass out of yourself, and then instantly become famous because our country is fucked up sometimes. This is expected to be a decent performance.
So, what song would you sing if you were on American Idol, being watched by millions, and trying to do as good of a job as you could? Say, a million dollar bonus for advancing to the next round?
Some of my honorable mentions:
- 'Fire and Desire' by Rick James. Really, just for the opportunity to yell out "You as cold as ice!" on national TV- and also, any song with spoken-word narratives interspersed with actual verses and choruses is awesome in my book. Had to be eliminated because duets aren't allowed, and because I couldn't hit 70% of the notes that The Baddest Motherfucker Of All Time hits during this song. Hold my drink, bitch. It's a celebration. (Note: the 'not being able to hit even half of the notes' factor eliminated a LOT of Jackson 5 and Stevie Wonder songs that otherwise would've been in consideration here.)
- 'Mmmmmm' by The Crash Test Dummies. Because this song is amazingly fun to sing along to, almost too much fun. It's like a mix of early-morning-and-I-drank-about-six-too-many-White Russians-last-night voice, combined with Weisser's award-winning Creed impersonation, combined with a slight touch of Kevin Costner's brutal accent when he tries to play somebody from Boston. Eliminated because like I mentioned above, no gimmicks. Even if you nailed the shit out of this song, you're not getting a good score from the judges because of what this song is. (Not that I agree with the bad rep- the instruments in this song are wonderful, and if the chorus wasn't such an abortion, maybe this band wouldn't have become such a joke and would've had some staying power and I could be singing this song in my theoretical episode of American Idol. Also, I can't hear this song without hearing Lloyd Christmas yelling "Well pardon me, Mr. PERFECT!!! I guess I forgot you never make a mistake!" But alas.)
- 'Whoomp! There It Is' by Tag Team . Because I can rap along to this song in my sleep. I may not be better than Steve Roll'n, but I'm at least on his level. Eliminated because like I said, this isn't karaoke, I'm not gonna be 17 beers deep, and because I know the words a little too well, if there is such a thing. During one spring break, Paul and I performed this song in downtown Indianapolis, and I got a little caught up in the lyrics and dropped the n-bomb. I was aware of my slip-up, but like any great entertainer, soldiered on with my performance. After we were coming off the 'stage', a group of thuggish looking black guys were waiting to greet us, and before I had a chance to run my ass off in the other direction, they enveloped Paul and I in a giant group hug and told us it was one of the greatest things they'd ever seen. It was heart-stoppingly lucky, especially a couple hours later, when we heard from some locals that this particular establishment had just re-opened after having been closed following a shooting.
(Side note: the video for that song is absolutely fantastic. It captures 1993 perfectly. Throw this video in one of those time capsules, along with some episodes of Saved by the Bell, and maybe Mortal Kombat or something, and you'd be all set. For most of my life, black people have always provided me with my own personal standards for what is cool....and even I have to say that 1991-1994 wasn't exactly a high-water mark for black-person-coolness. OK the pilot just turned on the 'no rambling' sign. Moving on.)
- 'Fool in the Rain' by Led Zeppelin. Because it's my favorite song of all time; so as a result, I could remember all the words no matter how nervous I was. Also, I feel like I'm hitting most of these notes as well as I can, considering I have a shitty singing voice. However, that may just be because I have the song playing so loud I can never hear myself clearly. It's anyone's guess, really. The only reason I had to eliminate it is because of the looong instrumental break in the middle. I have no idea what I'd do onstage during that time, besides play the air drums and try to hit on Kara DioGuardi. Poses a problem.
- So my winner became 'Train in Vain' by The Clash. It's quick, it's easy, it's awesome, and it's my #1 most-played song on itunes, so remembering the words won't be a problem.
So put yourself on that stage with Ryan Seacrest. What song are you singing?
