Honorable mention: Melissa Joan Hart (Clarissa Darling, Clarissa Explains It All)
Props to Cheese for correctly guessing this one, even if it is only an honorable mention. I originally had Clarissa would in the top 3, but then I decided that she shouldn't technically be included since the show never really made her out to be quote/unquote hot. But she sure is annoying and unattractive, so I felt like she at least deserved mentioning. Oh yeah Sabrina the Teenage Witch sucked too. Interestingly enough, in the last post on SO's blog, there is a pretty sizable outpouring of love for Clarissa in the comment section. I found reading that kinda funny, considering I had just finished trashing her. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.
#5. Kelly Brown (Bradley Taylor, Hey Dude)
She definitely isn't horrible looking, but it drove (drives) me nuts that she was the one that all the dudes were constantly chasing after on the show when Melody (now Ben Stiller's wife) was somewhere between 34-37 times hotter than she was. C'mon Nickelodeon, get your shit together. Props to Schne for mentioning Melody in the comments last time. Plus, Brad had a shitty, stuck-up attitude and, if I remember correctly, a manly voice. And she went by Brad, which is bad enough since it's a dude's name; but even worse, it's one of the worst names in the English langauge. A few months ago French and I each made a top 5 douchiest name list, and Brad made both of our lists, if I'm not mistaken.
#4. Staci Keanan (Dana Foster, Step by Step)
She was just a snotty, man-hating, too-cool-for-school bitch. Everything out of her mouth was negative, especially towards her half-brother JT (who did kinda suck, but still), and Cody (the guy who lived in the van in the driveway), who was awesome. Until, of course, she starts doing JT's best friend, and then she's dying her hair, and trying to be all hot. Too late, pirate hooker. I think she was just mad because her sister was hotter than she was, and then her half-sister, who in the show was supposed to be the tomboy, got REALLY hot, and she couldn't hold a candle to her mom (Suzanne Somers), so what did she have left?
#3. Danielle Fishel (Topanga Lawrence, Boy Meets World)
OK, so you're a producer of Boy Meets World. You've cast this weird looking girl to play the school freak show. Then she gets decent looking, so she becomes the main character's romantic interest. Understandable. Then, for like a year or two, she gets kinda hot, so now she is locked into a main role, and you're high-fiving each other. Then....she allegedly eats the kid who played Minkus, gains 135 pounds overnight, and now you're stuck with a land monster as your "hot girl." Unfortunate, but you knew you were playing with fire from the start. Oh yeah and thumbs down to the Bergman brothers for calling me out for not putting Topanga on the "hot" list. Get real.
#2. Tori Spelling (Donna Martin, Beverly Hills 90210)
I think we can all agree that Tori is one of the worst-looking girls in the history of television. But my reasons for keeping her out of the top spot are three-fold:
1) She gets an asterik, because the only reason she was cast in the show in the first place was because her dad created the show. So right off the bat, she's not even on this show under normal circumstances.
2) She played Screech's nerd girlfriend on Saved By the Bell for a bit, and she was actually better looking as said nerd. Don't ask me how.
3) Without her, there is no "Donna Martin graduates! Donna Martin graduates! Donna Martin graduates!" And that would be a crime. I'll give her partial credit for that.
So I feel pretty solid with her in the two spot. Look at that cleavage. It's like if you mashed a couple of fingers into raw hamburger.
#1. Kelly Shanygne Williams (Laura Winslow, Family Matters)
Oh man this one gets me fired up. You wanna talk about a girl who was mean to her obligatory 'nerd next door who chases after her'? Laura was about as big of a B as you can imagine. And that's all well and good. Sometimes you gotta just give it to him straight, and yeah, he might get hurt, but so be it. At least you're not leading him on. But I have a problem with this when you, Laura, are no basket of cherries yourself. She was aiming for the stars when it came to guys, when reality dictated that maybe she should be real and come down a notch or two. It would be like a somewhat-decent high school basketball player spurning scholarships from mid-major schools so he could go straight to the pros, where he wouldn't even be close to getting drafted.
But what pisses me off more was that any time Steve Urkel would jump into his little machine (side note: how the hell did Urkel create all that shit? He could morph into another person, travel time, make talking robots, etc. etc. He should've won multiple Nobel prizes) and turn into Stefan Urquelle, Laura would just go nuts for him. That was crap. If I was Steve I NEVER would've put up with that.
Add on top of that all the verbal abuse that Urkel took from Carl, and I would've snapped. Carl would always give him the whole go home routine: "Go home, Steve. Go HOME, GO HOME, GO HOME!!!" and Urkel would say, "I don't have to take this. I'm going home" Just once, I wanted him to say, "I don't have to take this. I'm going home.....morphing into Stefan, waiting til you go to work, coming back over, and plowing your daughter in your bedroom while your ugly wife videotapes it and Eddie cheers me on. I might even have her call me Carl, I don't know, I guess I haven't decided yet. Oh yeah, one more thing: Go fist yourself, fatass." That is my dream.
Others receving votes due to excellent reader suggestions: Becky from Roseanne, Brenda from 90210.
