Gonna Lay This Groove So You Can Move On The Funk

Christmas break 2007 is in the books, and Grand Forks is once again in my rear view mirror. GameDay 2007 was wonderful, as the Culligan Fab 5 was reunited for the first time in over a year. Big ups to Jon-Jon for hosting so we didn't have to do it at someone's parents' house, which would've been just awful. Taking the Fab 5 comparison a step further (which is most likely one step too far):

I would be Jalen Rose because I think I'm a lot more awesome than I probably am;

Horp is Chris Webber because he does the most things that are real-life equivalents of calling a time-out in the National Championship when you don't have any left;

Noles is Jimmy King because he shows flashes of brilliance and is quietly the heart and soul of the Fab 5;

Jon-Jon is Juwan Howard because I can't think of a single good thing to say about him, but not a bad thing either;

Fundy is Ray Jackson because no one has heard anything from either one of them since 1994.

Big D (the 6th man Eric Riley) was also in the mix, mostly just to start controversy by starting the typical Pac-10 vs. ACC argument, and to pour steak seasoning in Noles' punishment shot of Morgan after he knocked over the Jenga tower, then deny it for the better part of an hour.

Other highlights of break:

Watching Dunph throw the bowling ball on the Wii like he's Dontrielle Willis. Granted, it was like 4 am, but I still think I'm changing your name in my phone to D-Train.

Watching Seth decide that the dance floor scene at Gilly's wasn't to his liking anymore. Now, for a normal person, this decision would result in you quietly walking off of the dance floor, getting a beer, and finding your friends. For a drunken time bomb like Seth, it involves shattering your vodka sour on the floor, pushing your way outside, doing a snow angel outside the front door, and getting up and sprinting 12 blocks to your house, stopping at Subway on the way home to purchase a foot-long and steal 14 bags of potato chips. True story.

Finding my holy grail of the last 10 years: the original Sim City at my parents' house, which will end up being the best present I receive this year.

The "Ski Jumps" debacle at Bonzer's. That's gonna have to stay an inside joke to be enjoyed by those who were there. Don't even ask.

Taking the voice mail game to a whole new stratosphere. Starting Saturday night and stretching into the wee hours of Sunday morning, 8 of us left 62 messages on Horp's phone. Now this in itself is a very solid performance, but when we found out that his flight out of Phoenix left early that morning, and he couldn't shut his phone off because it was his alarm, and he had to sit there at 4 am and listen to his phone ring that many times....it extends the shelf life of voice mail game for another 5-7 years at least. By the way, at this point we need a new name for voice mail game, suggestions are welcome. Maybe we should just call it "Fuck You."

Putting a nice touch on the weekend was my fantasy team overcoming my arch-rival Jake and capturing my first ever championship. In the interest of full disclosure, I had the #1 coach ranking and the #1 strength of schedule in my league, so whether I won the title or not, I was gonna talk shit. Hey, if you're not in fantasy football to either cock off or whine incessantly (or both), then I don't know what you're in it for. So please give it up for team Boomshakalaka!

QB- Kurt Warner (after Jon Kitna started playing like a 7th grader)

RB- Brian Westbrook (my boy)

RB- Clinton Portis

WR- Joey Galloway

WR- T.J. Houshmandzadeh (my sleeper that paid off)

WR- Patrick Crayton (after Roy Williams got hurt)

TE- Ben Watson

K- Phil Dawson

DEF- Jacksonville

Looks pretty brutal on paper, doesn't it? These are the teams that win championships when mental toughness comes into play.....and when Tom Brady and Tony Romo both shit the bed during the semifinals. Should I send Jessica Simpson a hand-written thank you card, or do you think this will suffice?

Lastly, The Very Schneweis Christmas CD is once again outstanding. The year that Schneweis doesn't rock my face off with his music is the year of the Apocalypse. Keep on keepin' on.

The Mitchell Report

The Mitchell Report was released last week and rocked the baseball world, releasing the names of dozens of current and former players who used steroids or HGH to enhance their performance. Plenty of names you would expect (Clemens) and plenty you wouldn't (F.P. Santangelo? Fernando Vina?) and there are most likely dozens more who weren't named. Jose Canseco (the douchebag who got this whole thing started with his book a few years ago) was quoted the next day as being incredulous that Alex Rodriguez wasn't named in the report. Dear Jose: Shut the fuck up. No one cares about you anymore. You are a dipshit and have balls the size of a three year old. No homo.

However, he brings up a good point. I also have a few individuals in mind that I have a hard time believing weren't taking performance enhancing drugs at some point in their careers:

Chuck Norris. How can a guy who can provide electricity to the entire continent of Austrailia for 44 minutes with one roundhouse kick NOT be taking performance-enhancing drugs? And while we're here, America, can we be done with the Chuck Norris jokes yet? The first 9 emails I received containing 132 facts each were kind of funny, but now it's been like 3 years....are we done?

Teen Wolf. He was probably the poster boy for HGH until it was revealed that Michael J. Fox really HAD dribbled a basketball in his life before the filming of that dramatic final montage.

The Incredible Hulk. This one may not count because I'm pretty much positive that Jose Canseco and the Incredible Hulk are the same guy.

Subway Jared. Do I really need a caption for this one? Judges? No.

Bowser. I'm aware that he's a dragon/dinosaur, but he is still awful mean, and prone to violent mood swings. Plus, he fathered seven Koopa children with seven different mothers, was a repeat sex offender (just ask the Princess), and an Italian-hating racist. Just an all-around bad guy.

Billy Zabka (The bad guy from Karate Kid) A sure sign of drug use is making sure your entire existence revolves around ruining the life of a skinny new student from New Jersey whose only real friend is a weird old janitor/repairman. Sweep the leg!

"Psycho T" Tyler Hansbrough. Can't you just hear him roid-raging on his photographer? "Make sure you get the fucking basketball in this shot! I'm holding it up with one hand, bro! Can you do that? Probably not, you loser! I'm going to North Carolina! I'm gonna be a Division I athlete and it doesn't even matter that I got cut from the debate team and cried at Prom this year! Don't fuck this up, you only take senior pictures once! Make sure you get the black-and-white shot, my cheekbones look totally sweet in black-and-white!!!"

Falcor (The Never-Ending Story) Plain and simple, that's a big-ass dog. A little too big, to be perfectly honest. If they called this movie The Never Ending Nostrils nobody would've argued.

Fulton Reed (Mighty Ducks). Slapshots that knock goalies unconscious and/or blow holes in the back of the net aren't natural.

Darth Vader. A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away....a dark lord of the Sith made the groundbreaking discovery that The Force flows within you a lot more powerfully when you're taking HGH.

Big Bird. Let's be real, canaries don't grow to be 7'4'' without a little outside help. I'm sure Oscar had access to a ton of that shit in his garbage can. Don't be fooled, few 'hoods kept it gangsta like Sesame Street did. Shit's real out there. To be fair, if I hung out primarily with a giant woolly mammoth named Mr. Snuffleupagus, I'd probably feel pressured to take steriods to get bigger too.

The creepy-ass girl from The Ring. I don't know about you, but I don't know any other 13 year old girls who can shoot a free-throw without grunting like Maria Sharapova, much less climb out of a goddamn well in under 4 seconds.

A.C. Slater. Look at him lift that fucking barstool like it's nothing! They don't just hand out wrestling scholarships to Iowa for free, son.

Optimus Prime. Megatron was quoted as saying that he injected Optimus with steroids in both exhaust pipes back in 2002, shortly before becoming a Decepticon. More than meets the eye, indeed.




Tecmo Bo Jackson. Have you ever had a 99-yard touchdown run, carrying 4 defenders on your back, spending the first 7 minutes running in circles and backwards, then deciding to score? Me neither.

In an unrelated story (unless you think he might have taken performance enhancers too, which I won't rule out) Deuce has now started a blog as well. Give him a look. The Deuce is loose.

You Down With OPB?

OPB how can I explain it,

I'll take it frame by frame it

O is for Other, P is for People

The last B, well, that's not that simple

It's kind of like another way to call a dude a sibling

There's seven little letters that I'm missing

That was a very convoluted, unnecessary reference to an early 90's rap song just to say that this weekend was spent with other people's brothers. Humor me.

Saturday night the eldest Schneweis brother, Kyle, invited Alex and I over for the KU game/dinner party. We met quite a few characters that night, and the topics of conversation ranged from Midieval wars between Japan and China, Stanley Kubrick and A Clockwork Orange, intricate details regarding KU's alternate red jerseys, and everything in between. Kyle taught me about the lyrics to Bob Dylan's song "Isis" and I convinced him that Roy Williams is not to be forgiven for leaving for North Carolina. A good time was had by all.

Sunday afternoon Lane's brother Brooks was in town for his Cyclocross race in Kansas City. I was excited to expand the horizons a little bit, and this experience certainly did not disappoint. Now, I'll admit, you give me some Miller Lite and a cowbell and I'll have a blast watching a couple of blind guys play Super MarioKart, but still, this exceeded my wildest expectations. Danny and I arrived an hour early after dropping Alex off at the KCI airport, so we got to the starting line just as the women's race began. Less than 15 seconds later, a nasty 4-bike pileup occurred directly in front of us, and we were hooked.

By the time Lane and Skye showed up 20 minutes later, our perma-smiles were already in place. Where's my cowbell? The snowy, muddy, general shittiness of the track made for brutal conditions, and we saw around a dozen crashes right in front of us, including a vicious head-on collision that eliminated the defending national champ Ryan Trebon. Brooks' wife gave us a crash course in the favorites and underdogs, and by the 3rd lap we had figured out who we were cheering for (besides Team Brown Bear, of course.) Cyclocross is awesome. For more quality photos of the race, visit the blog of DVJS. Later skaters.

The Top 5. Volume 4.

Professional Wrestling. We all loved it, at some point. It was AWESOME when we were little kids, became horrendously uncool as we entered middle school, had a brief resurgence for about a year when we were 15, and is now unwatchable, in my opinion. Here are my 5 favorite wrestlers of all time. We've all got 'em.

Honorable mention: Ravishing Rick Rude, Diamond Dallas Page, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Jake the Snake Roberts, Big Boss Man (he looked just like my dad), the Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase.

5. Irwin R. Schyster (I.R.S.)

Maybe I was destined to work in the tax industry with the love I had for I.R.S. as a youngster. He always carried a briefcase with him to the ring, and this briefcase got a lot of use as a way to cheap shot opponents. The Write Off is probably my favorite name for a finishing move ever. Also, remember when he and the Million Dollar Man used to pick random people out of the crowd and offer them money to do stupid things? The one time they grabbed some kid, offered him $100 if he could bounce a ball like 15 times or something, then after 14 bounces, kicked it away from him....awesome.

4. Razor Ramon

"The Bad Guy." That about sums him up. Always with the trademark toothpick (until he threw it in his opponents' face a couple minutes into the match) and always with "the machismo oozing off" of him. The Razor's Edge was one of the best finishing moves ever, and one of the few that we, as noodle-armed 10-year-olds, could do to each other. Also helped start nWo, which made wrestling cool again for a bit.

3. Shawn Michaels

The Heartbreak Kid. I don't know if anyone turned from bad guy to good guy more often than Shawn Micheals. Or better. He always had unreal matches, like the hour long match with Bret Hart, or the first ever ladder match, or being the first guy to win the Royal Rumble after being the first guy in the ring. I will even forgive him for kicking Marty Janetty through the window and breaking up The Rockers, which up to that point, was probably the most traumatic moment in my life besides my dog dying. Loved it when he would prep for Sweet Chin Music by stomping his leg repeatedly, as good ol' Jim Ross would exclaim, "He's tuning up the band!" Other cool moments: The Montreal Screwjob, when the WWF turned on Bret Hart, telling him he would win the match, then telling everyone besides Hart that really Micheals would win; and when Mike Tyson was the guest referee of the Michaels/Stone Cold match and knocked Michaels out afterwards, when Michaels performed the greatest "falling down like you got hit by a mack truck even though it was just a fake punch" of all time.

2. "The Macho Man" Randy Savage

Ohhhh yeeeeaaaahhhhh!!!!!!!! If you are between the ages of 21 and 35, there is only one tone of voice it is possible to hear that in. Macho Man was one of the craziest fuckers ever, epitomized by his elbow smash from the top rope. FYI: when checking into a hotel room with multiple beds, the first thing I do upon entering the room is a flying elbow smash from one bed to the other. At age 25. Too much information? Maybe. Continuing on. Macho Man was one of the greatest, if not the greatest, interviewer in wrestling, combining his craziness, voice, and unintelligibility into magic. Along with Hulk Hogan, Macho Man revolutionized wrestling in the 80's. The Mega Powers (Savage and Hogan) was probably the best tag team in wrestling history, until Hogan allegedly slept with Miss Elizabeth and her and Savage got divorced (in real life.) Speaking of Miss Elizabeth, how awesome was the storyline of Macho Man slapping her around after matches as the crowd freaked out? Only in professional wrestling could domestic abuse be cool.

1. Diesel

Started out as the seven-foot-tall bodyguard of Shawn Michaels and basically just went around fucking people up. You knew he was bound for bigger things, and when Michaels accidentally gave Diesel the Sweet Chin Music, you knew it was his time. He went to the Royal Rumble and destroyed everyone, won all his matches in 30 seconds, and became champ in no time. I thought the best stretch of his career was when he would just interfere on everyone's match. The beginning of his music, which was just a diesel truck honking its horn REALLY loud would start, JR would yell, "Good god! Th-that's Diesel's music!!" and he would come down and powerbomb someone and leave again. Soon after he went to WCW and started nWo with Razor Ramon and Hogan. Known as Kevin Nash now, he never really got his props for coming up with nWo, as Hogan got most of the credit. Either way, nWo was sweet. Then he interfered in Hogan's title fight, jackknifed Hogan, and started the nWo Wolfpac, and that was about it for me and wrestling.

See You In A Couple Yearz

Michael Vick received a 23-month jail sentence today, hopefully putting a much-needed end to the relentless stories about the whole subject.

A couple of disclaimers before this next section:

a) I am in no way saying that dogfighting is OK. Obviously it's terrible.

b) I enjoy eating the foods that people hunt: deer, pheasant, duck, etc. I also like other meats as much as the next guy. More, actually. Unless the next guy happens to be Kobayashi.

I would like to think that if I put my mind to it, I could also eat 53.75 hot dogs in 12 minutes. It's all mental toughness.

But seriously, every reporter who crucifies Vick, then goes home and enjoys a juicy bacon double cheeseburger; and Joe Everyman from Rugby, North Dakota, who talks shit about Vick, then grabs his shotgun or bow and goes and shoots animals every single weekend from September through November, can all just settle down a little bit. I say that besides the ridiculously inhumane way Vick and others kill the dogs who can't fight, (electrocutions, repeated beatings over the head) what's the difference between a dogfighter and the owner and operator of a slaughterhouse? Or a gun club? The bottom line is that they all grossly mistreat animals for profit and/or personal enjoyment. I think it's crazy that Vick has become public enemy #1. My point, if I have one, is that I know what Vick did is wrong, but he shouldn't have to hear about it from deer hunters and McDonald's lovers. That's like O.J. Simpson lecturing the Unabomber.

Now that I've climbed down from my high horse, I'd like to say that the funniest thing I've heard all day was that Vick's dogfighting organization was named "Bad Newz Kennels." Awesome. Just awesome. That reminds me of the Native American basketball team we always use to go up against, named the "Rez Ballaz." Anytime I see z's used in place of s's, well, it just....I guess it just puts a hop in my step for the rest of the day. It doesn't get much more street than that. Kudos to you, Michael.

In a completely unrelated story, I caught up with an old friend last weekend: the Phog Allen Fieldhouse. It was my first trip there in almost three years, Alex's first trip ever, and KU obliged by putting on an absolute dunk clinic while avenging last year's loss to DePaul. After a largely lackluster (although undefeated) start to the season, it looks as though the boys are starting to put things together offensively. Brandon Rush, overcoming legal trouble,continues to get closer to 100% every game, the clutch shooting is improving by leaps and bounds, and Darnell Jackson moved one step closer to becoming the next Jayhawk on my wall of fame. An induction ceremony is expected soon.

From The Archives

Good work by Ike recovering this after all these years. This was taken firmly in the middle of the "Tupac faked his own death and is coming back in 2003" era of my life. Although, to be honest, I still kinda think he faked his own death. Look at Haley up there. This picture is really, really old and he looks like it could've been taken yesterday. Kid's like Coach K, he hasn't aged a bit. This picture tells you all you would ever need to know about me. West siii-yeeeeed!!

And as long as we're putting up ridiculous pictures, did you ever have a friend who you thought would grow up and be a child abductor?

Yep, me too. I mean, someone get Chris Hansen on the phone. I've got his next episode of "To Catch a Predator" right here.

Just To Be The Next To Be With You

I'm the one who wants to be with you****

Deep inside I hope you feel it too

Waited on a line of greens and blues

Just to be the next to be with you

Build up your confidence

So you can be on top for once

Wake up who cares about

Little boys that talk too much (Hank Steinbrenner)

I've seen it all go down

Your game of love was all rained out

So come on baby, come on over

Let me be the one to hold you

I'm the one who wants to be with you

Deep inside I hope you feel it too

Waiting on a line of greens and blues

Just to be the next to be with you

Why be alone when we can be together baby

You can make my life worthwhile

And I can make you start to smile

When it's through, it's through

Fate will twist the both of you

So come on baby come on over

Let me be the one to show you...

****but not if we have to give up Jacoby Ellsbury. Then the Yankees can be the next to be with you. Sorry, Johan.

Burning Questions

On my mind....

Has anyone ever seen a tough-looking goth kid? I haven't. If a goth kid was big and strong and tough, then nobody would pick on him or bully him, and if they did decide to make fun of him, they would get their ass kicked, and then that goth kid wouldn't have to get into guns and shoot the school up.

When Dick Vitale is making his prediction for national champ, does he have a coin labeled "Duke" and "North Carolina" that he flips, or does he stop and think about every other team in the country before eventually settling on one of those two?

What is Kriss Kross doing now? Do you think their supervisor at KFC lets them wear their uniforms backward?

'Cuz inside out....is wiggida wiggida wiggida WACK!!!

This is for people with uni-sex names. I ask Alex this all the time, so I'll use her as an example: if she met a dude also named Alex, and they hit it off crazy right away, and he was hands-down the greatest guy she ever met, would she start dating him since they had the same name? Would it be an automatic deal-breaker? How life-alteringly awesome would this guy or girl have to be to want to date them, factoring in the name situation? Has anyone heard of any couple like this?

When Adam Sandler has all his buddies act in all his movies (for example, the guy who plays his caddy in Happy Gilmore, a gay guy in Big Daddy, the lame girl-chaser who dresses like Michael Jackson in Wedding Singer, etc. etc.) how much does that buddy get paid? Enough so that he doesn't have to have another job? Does he ever run low on money, start getting nervous, and call Sandler up and say "Hey, dude, you workin' on another flick yet? I only got about three weeks' worth of pot left, man."

Who comes up with names of carpet samples? Our office is in the process of getting new carpet, so I took the opportunity to flip through the sample book, and, frankly, it opened my eyes to a whole new world of douchebaggery. Here are some actual names of carpet patterns:

Handcuffs
Chain Letter
Blind Date
Sisterhood
E-Mail
Crazy Like a Fox
Darwin's Theory (my personal favorite)
Tremble With Fear
Wedding Vows
Crazy In Love

What?!? Let's get serious.

When (if) you were following the Maryland basketball team that won the 2002 National Championship, did you ever, EVER, think that the best pro on that team 5 years later would be Steve Blake?

What would happen if society changed the traffic rules so that cars always had the right-of-way instead of pedestrians? Walking in a busy downtown area would turn into an episode of American Gladiators.

The signs that people make at sporting events where they take the initials of the TV network and spell out something stupid....what is the shelf life on those things? I know they're not funny or clever now, and I doubt they were in 1972.

Lance Armstrong....are you serious? You, my friend, are currently dating a girl that was a star on a very popular TV show from the mid-90's that also featured the likes of Bob Saget and Dave Coulier. Not a real big deal, I guess, as long as that girl is Aunt Becky. The problem, however, lies with the fact that on this TV show, your girlfriend played a fucking TODDLER. Now I understand you have to have a cover so people will ignore the fact that you and McConaughey are always shirtless together, but still.....are you serious?




McConaughey: "Hey, bro, whaddya listening to right now?"

Armstrong: "Fuckin' Maroon 5, dude. Who else?"

McConaughey: "Me too! Damn, we have so much in common!"

Armstrong: "No doubts, no doubts. We're just a couple of regular dudes who love to go jogging while rocking out to Maroon 5. Wanna watch some Real World after our run, or what?"

McConaughey: "Sounds awesome, BroStrong! Hear that, I just called you BroStrong, kinda like LiveStrong, but I changed it up a little bit."

Armstrong: "Totally sweet, dude. Totally."


McConaughey: "Hey, did you ever get around to asking Ashley about what Mary Kate thinks about me? I mean, she would go for a regular dude like me, right?"




At the beginning of Michael Jackson's song Black Or White, and that kid is rocking out to some song and his dad is yelling at him to turn it down, is that a real song he's listening to? It sounds kinda sweet. I always wanna be like "No, Dad, this is the best part, I'm gonna listen to it, OK?" right along with him. And while we're here, I heard the rumor that it is Macaulay Culkin doing that part. No way, but it does sound a LOT like Smalls from The Sandlot. Anyone know?

Was Doug Funnie the biggest main character loser in TV history? I guess I stopped watching Doug when I started noticing members of the opposite sex, and discovering hair in places where there was no hair before, but as far as I know, I don't think he ever came close to ever getting a piece from Patty Mayonnaise. Just tell her you're obsessed with her!!! Girls love that. Plus, his fantasy superhero self wore his underwear outside his pants and a belt on his head. That's brutal.