Dear Fans, Players, and Staff of the 2007 Minnesota Twins,
Settle down. No, really. Settle down. Yes, I traded Luis Castillo. I probably should've traded Torii Hunter too, but after a pack of unruly 60-year-olds in Kirby Puckett and Kent Hrbek jerseys tried to strangle me with their 1987 Homer Hankies, I agreed not to trade him. We'll just let him walk in the offseason for no compensation. That's cool. So why did I trade Castillo? Simple, really. Here's a message that you guys haven't accepted yet, and Bert Blyleven sure as hell won't tell you: WE WEREN'T GOING TO MAKE THE PLAYOFFS THIS YEAR. I swear to God, if one more player is quoted as saying that we are 'getting ready to make a run like last year', I'll cut him. I'll do it. I don't care how many homers he has, or how many teenage girls love his sideburns. He'll be cut. Jeeeezus Christ. Do you realize how unbelievable last year was? Do you?!? We won like 70 of our last 100 fuckin' games!!! We had the batting champ, Cy Young winner AND MVP!! Every single player on our roster played to the absolute best of his ability every day for like 4 months! Detroit crapped the bed like we gave them laxatives! That is never happening again! You fans were wayyyy easier to deal with when we sucked and you guys never set foot within a mile radius of the Metrodome, except when the Vikings were playing.
OK, that's just my opinion. Want some facts? Here is a list of teams in the AL with better records than us: Boston, L.A., Detroit, Cleveland, New York, Seattle. Toronto is only 2 back of us. We have a brutal schedule down the stretch. Half of our remaining schedule is against teams with better records than us. We have an upcoming 9 game road trip at KC (best record in AL the last month) at L.A., and at Seattle. Our last 7 games of the year are in Detroit and in Boston. The Metrodome, coincidentally, is not in any of those cities. Yikes.
So yeah, we're probably not getting in this year. But besides all that, why am I getting skewered for making this trade with Castillo? Hey guys! Remember me? I'm the same guy who traded Dave Hollins straight up for David Ortiz....Remember? No? How about Chuck Knoblauch for Eric Milton and Christian Guzman? C'mon! They turned out to be all-stars, and he forgot how to throw the ball to first base!!! What about Bobby Kielty for Shannon Stewart? He pretty much saved our season that year! Still not recent enough? What about getting rid of A.J. Piersyznski for Joe Nathan, Boof Bonser, AND Francisco Fucking Liriano? Clubhouse cancer for all-star closer, solid starter, and future franchise pitcher!!! I know what I'm doing here. Lay off. Fuck.
I mean, the Vikings currently have a QB controversy between Tarvaris Jackson and Brooks Bollinger....can't you guys complain about that for a while?
