The Top 5. Volume 22.

My favorite sports celebrations.

I tried to keep this list confined to one-off celebrations, not dances that were repeated over and over.  So this eliminated things like the Ickey Shuffle, the Atlanta Falcons' Dirty Bird, almost everything The U did back in the late 80's, and unfortunately for me personally, Deion Sanders' gangsta boogie. 











Honorable mentions, Just Keep On Runnin' Division:

Bo Jackson vs. Seattle Seahawks




Drew Nicholas hits a buzzer beater and sprints right off the floor.



Next time I hit a huge buzzer beater, that's the move I'm pulling, just running right off the floor.  Alas, in real life, I had a chance to win a big city league game a few weeks ago, going almost the length of the floor in four seconds....but I air-balled my running floater from the free throw line and we lost in overtime.  Sad.  (Although I don't know where I'd run to once I got out the door, since we don't have locker rooms, and I'd have to return to the gym to get my bag with my car keys in it.  Maybe I could have one of my teammates bring it to me...I dunno, I'll work out the details later.)


Honorable mentions, National Outrage Division:

Reggie Miller gives the choke sign to Spike Lee




Randy Moss moons Green Bay fans, Joe Buck reacts like Moss just murdered an infant




Honorable mentions, Basketball Players Being Pricks But It's Kinda Awesome Division:

Allen Iverson steps over Tyronn Lue




Scottie Pippen dunks on Patrick Ewing




Shawn Kemp ruins Alton Lister's life, simultaneously becomes role model for thousands of teenage boys across the nation





Honorable mentions, Home Run Pimping Division:

 This could absolutely be its own top 5 list, so instead I didn't include any in my top 5.  I know I'm biased, but my favorite home run pimping of all time is easily, EASILY, Manny's walk-off against the Angels in the 2007 ALDS, the very same one that Katie made me miss when she called me moments before the pitch.  (I learned my lesson, and now virtually never answer my calls or texts during big games, so any friends that get mad at me for that, blame Katie.)




The Top 5:


5.  Terrell Owens (and others) on the Dallas star




There's so much to love here.  The original celebration, TO running out to celebrate on the Cowboys' logo at midfield, it just meh.  But I love how the Cowboys get pissed, Emmitt Smith responds by spiking the ball at the same spot while staring down the 49ers sideline, I love how TO responds by TRYING TO DO THE EXACT SAME THING, and I love how some of the Cowboys defense chased him all the way out there to lay him the F out.  And because he's TO, he picks himself up off the ground and goes BACK TO THE STAR AGAIN while his teammates fight his battle.


4.  Theo Fleury slip 'n' slide




Similar to Nicholas' buzzer beater, this is exactly how I would celebrate if I ever scored a game-winning goal.  Mostly because I can't stop on hockey skates anyway.  I'm like Luis Mendoza that way.


3.  Desmond Howard Heisman pose




Seems old now, but was ground-breaking at the time.  How did it take until 1991 for someone to do this?


2.  Brandi Chastain strips down




Homegirl straight popped her shirt off!  Of course this is gonna make the top 5, c'mon, I was 16, a girl in her sports bra was still a pretty big deal to me.  I know this sounds insensitive, but if Brandi is juuuuust a little hotter, she probably gets the #1 spot here.  (Hint, hint, Alex Morgan.  Just think about it for the next World Cup, OK?)


1.  Tiger Woods finger point as he drops a bomb of a putt




At no point over the last 17 years could you call me a Tiger Woods fan.  I cheer for him more now than I ever did, but that's just because he's sort of a villain now, something I thought he should have embraced years ago.  But going back to 2000 and this putt:  at this point in Tiger's career, my Tiger hate was at its peak.  The novelty of the first couple years had wore off, and now he was just dominating every tournament, not to mention keeping my boy Phil from winning majors.  But despite all that, I get goosebumps every single time I see that putt.  You can't really overstate how Tiger made golf cool, and how he pretty much did it single-handedly.  You just didn't see celebrations like that back in the day.

Ironically, Tiger somehow got worse at his celebrations over the years, as evidenced by his famous chip-in at the 2005 Masters.  That was every golfer-caddy awkward celebration joke rolled into one right there.  He also got worse at not banging random waitresses and asking them to deleter their messages, "huge quickly", but that's neither here nor there.

Question Of The Day (Hey, Remember Those?)

Yesterday on The Boards, Noles forwarded a link wherein the good ol' Metrodome is selling their old urinal troughs to the public now.  He then told us about the time years ago that he offered his brother 20 bucks to pee at a urinal at the 'Dome with his pants around his ankles (and how his brother refused, booooo.)  Since we were now officially on the subject of public urinals, I brought this video into the discussion.  An oldie but a goodie from the early days of youtube.





So then we talked about how much it would take for each of us to pull that move, if we were guaranteed a shower and a fresh set of clothes immediately afterwards.  As I am sometimes wont to do, I came in way too low at $500.  I knew I was in trouble when Horp, who is usually more ridiculous than I am when it comes to these matters, required $2,000 and a sky-high BAC to do it.  Jonye needed $10K, that's way too high, whatever, he's a dad now.  When Noles' immediate response to me was "I can easily round up $500 and have you doing that somewhere", I officially got concerned that I might have to back this up someday.  I have to remember that I'm not 19 anymore, and $500 really isn't that much money.

So, the Question of the Day, which yes, I know, are much less fun when we don't have comments anymore, but at least it might make you think a little bit, learn about your own personal boundaries-- how much money would it take you to dive through a urinal trough?

Pleeeease, somebody Price is Right me and say $499, make me feel better about myself.  I'm feeling rather sheepish about my answer right now.

***************

Completely unrelated story, but since we're currently discussing event venue restrooms, and I'm already feeling bad about myself, here we go:  About five years ago, my buddies Jud, Wing, and Disco Dave-- for no reason at all-- decided to start a rumor that I enjoyed, ahem, making love to women in port-a-potties, that it was a big fetish for me.  Unbelievably, this blatant falsehood somehow gained traction, and I found myself scrambling all over town assuring friends and acquaintances that this wasn't true (they really did a lot of legwork in spreading this around.)  There's no real moral to the story or anything, maybe just that Jud and Wing have since moved out of town, and I don't miss them.  Not even a little bit.

What's In A Name

Everyone knows I love a good fake name.  I've been rocking Adam Banks as my main alter ego for over a decade now, ever since honeys was wearin' Sassoon.  Long ago, I did a top 5 list on fake names, since I had a few in my arsenal at that point in my life.  It's a useful tool for so many occasions.  When you're out and about in a different city; when you're talking to a girl you think might be juuuust little cray; when you currently have a significant other, but you're just being a good wingman; or when you're out causing shenanigans and maybe you just want to stay off the grid.  Fake names make the world go 'round.  I don't know what my twenties would've been like without them.

However.  I found out the other night that my buddy JDub is currently using MY name as his fake name at the bar, on the occasions that I'm not with him.  He uses just my first name to begin with, which is sorta thoughtful, I guess....but if the person happens to ask for a last name, there it is, sure enough, -PPY, right there on the other cheek.  Putting my first and last name out on the streets like that.  Shit ain't right.

Now it's one thing when I'm in on it, like at Jared and Steph's wedding last fall, when JDub was introducing himself with my name, and I gave him my wedding ring to wear (in retrospect, that night ended up being the genesis of this little game of his, and I played a large role in encouraging it, so the Inception backfired.  I'll accept partial responsibility for that.)  But now, he's running around, spittin' god knows what kind of game at lord knows what kind of dames.  It's OK when I'm the one acting afool-- sniffing random girls' hair, or telling people I'm a consultant from Mercer, Delk & McCarty and I'm interested in purchasing the Woodlands race track, or whatever the case may be.  At least I have creative control in the process.  But by removing me from the equation, basically, he's besmirching my good name in this fine city of Lawrence, Kansas.  I have a wife now.  Kids within the next couple years.  I'm trying to go straight here.  I ain't a businessman, I'm a BUSINESS, MAN.  But now that's been taken out of my hands.  By my so-called buddy.  

With friends like these, who needs enemies?  Not Adam Banks, I can tell you that much.

OK, well maybe Banks' friends don't like him very much, either.  Bad example.

Laughter

Three things that I can't stop laughing about lately, but might not make you laugh at all:


1.  ~insert Brad Pitt noise~

Every once in a while, I unintentionally ruin things for Teens that she enjoys.  I made the comment once that Ray Lamontagne sings like a dude trying to get somebody's attention from across a public library, and he has never sounded the same to Teens since.  For years, I've ruined Hootie & the Blowfish songs for her by singing in my exaggerated Hootie voice, and sometimes ruin other songs by using that same voice even when it isn't a Hootie song.  I ruin the show Teen Mom 2 when my boo Chelsea is onscreen, by asking questions like "What do you think her hair smells like?" or "Don't you think this scene would be more dramatic if Chelsea took her shirt off?"  (This is Teens' logic, and maybe other ladies would agree:  I'm allowed to make whatever comments I want about celebrities, because I'll never have a chance with them.  But according to Teens, Chelsea is a "real person", and on top of that she lives in South Dakota.  So theoretically, I could meet her in real life.  Ipso facto, I get in trouble when I wonder aloud what color bra she's wearing.  Seems unfair to me.)

And now, simply by really paying attention to a movie and keeping my ears open during a dramatic part, I've ruined Legends of the Fall as well.  Listen to the crying noise Brad Pitt makes at the 27 second mark, and if it doesn't crack you up...well then, you're more mature than I am.  Once Teens got over her anger at me for completely destroying a sad moment in a movie, she remarked that it might've been the hardest she's ever seen me laugh.  So there's that.






2.  SCIENCE!





Everyone knows 'She Blinded Me With Science', right?  It's funny when the British (British?) dude yells "SCIENCE!" throughout the song.  It just is.  I was sorta goofy drunk a couple weekends ago, and yelling SCIENCE at passerby from a bar patio.  Then we saw some mom hit her kid in the parking lot, and then it got super weird and awkward for a little while, and then I yelled SCIENCE at her, and then we all laughed again.


3.  Chris Fitzpatrick for Class President

This SNL short from a couple months ago had Teens and I rolling, and we haven't deleted the episode from the DVR yet, simply because we can't go more than a few days without firing it up and watching this sketch again.  I'm not going to talk about all the reasons why it's hilarious-- what's that old saying?  "Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog...nobody is interested, and the frog dies from it."  But this video is awesome, especially if you're anywhere near my age.  It's so perfectly late 90's.  I've seen this video in class before.  You've seen this video in class before.  We've all seen this video in class before. 

Free At Last, Free At Last

Andrew White III finally announced his transfer, and for the first time ever, I'm simultaneously bummed out for myself as a fan, and happy for the player to go to a better situation for himself.  Normally, when a Jayhawk transfers, my reaction falls into one of the following categories:

Yeah, you were never gonna get to play, you should probably go somewhere else.  This decision probably works out as good for you as it does for us.  Hey, no hard feelings, big guy.

You had a decent chance to play when you were a Junior or Senior, but you didn't have that kind of patience, and then you were kind of an idiot on Twitter/Instagram/Facebook/other social media.  This decision works out better for us than it does for you, but maybe next time don't be a dick.  However, your end-of-the-bench antics were hilarious, so I will miss you for that.

Oh, you wanna transfer back home because you miss your girlfriend?  Fine, just go, you pussy.  This decision works out better for you than it does for us, so whatever, bro.  We had too many McDonald's All-Americans, anyway.  Say hello to LUMBERGH for me!

Dude.  DUDE.  Dude.  You jumped a guy at a bar and got stabbed.  It doesn't matter who the decision works out for.  You got fucking stabbed.  See ya.

But with White III, he doesn't fall into any of those categories, and I'm siding with the player and blaming Coach Self for the first time ever.  He was a sweet-shooting top-60 recruit in the class of 2012 who showed promise his freshman year.  Then Self recruited over his head for some reason (obviously getting Wiggins at the last minute was defensible; Brannen Greene, however, was not.)  Even still, Self said coming into last season that nobody worked harder than AWIII over the summer, and he would be the first guy off the bench.  That lasted about three games, then AWIII suffered a small injury to miss a couple games, and that was that.  Buried. 

I had been waiting for the transfer announcement since December, and it finally came yesterday.  I think AWIII has a chance to go somewhere and play a major role for a good team, not like one of those transfers who ends up going to a tiny school, or a mid-major.  I don't see any reason why he couldn't go to a Virginia, or a Maryland, or even an Ohio St. or something.  After the season he just went through, he deserves to go somewhere and get some run.  And he'll always have a special place in my heart and an honorary spot on my Wall of Fame, so he's got that going for him.  So long Andrew.

(Seriously, Micah Downs, I hope your girlfriend from small-town Washington that you probably broke up with within 2 months of moving back was worth it.  We hung a banner without you.  If you ended up marrying that girl, well then, I'm not so much of a dick that I can't offer a congratulations.  Bitch.)

Man Spooning

Check out this recently-conducted study of British heterosexual males.  For those of you too lazy to click the link, basically it says that 98% of heterosexual men polled in their study have slept in the same bed as another straight man, and 93% have spooned and/or cuddled.

So you see, it wasn't weird what Paul and I were doing in college.  We were just forward-thinkers.  Really, you could call it very European of us to sleep in each others' beds.  Chicks dig that kind of progressiveness, bro.

Hat-tip to Mandy for forwarding this article along.  Even if it likely came about as an attempt to internally justify her husband's questionable behavior with his best friend back in the day, still.  Knowledge is power.

Semi-related:  this morning, I got busted by the ladies in the office while I was enthusiastically jamming out to Whitney Houston, so if the Huffington Post could release a study absolving me of that little situation as well, that would be GR-eat.

Derby-Less. Sans Derby.

Well, here we are.  In a spot I hoped never to be in.

Schne tried to get me to go to the Kentucky Derby for a couple of years right after he moved to Louisville, and I came up with a lame excuse both times.  After I finally went in 2008 and had one of the most fun weekends of my life, I said "Welp, I'm coming every year until I either get married or have a kid."  That joke ended up becoming fact, as I made the trek five years in a row, until my wedding last year precluded me from attending.  At the time, we just thought it would be a one-year blip, and we'd be back at Churchill Downs in 2014.  But after extensive discussions, Schne and I decided a couple months ago that we would not be getting our Derby on this year either.

On one hand, I'm very OK with taking different vacations and diversifying my bonds a little bit.  We've done the damn thang about as well as it can be done, short of somebody in our crew winning the lottery and bringing us up to Millionaire's Row with all the rich people and celebrities...and Nick Lachey.

On the other hand....Derby Weekend was my favorite weekend of the year.  I could handle missing out last year.  Really, it wasn't near as difficult as I thought, but that's because I was on a fun road trip with my fiancee, on our way to New Orleans and ultimately to Florida to spend a week in a giant beach house with a ton of friends before we got married.  But this year there is no such distraction.  This year, I'm going to feel the full consequences of not being in Louisville on the first weekend of May.  Tears may be involved.

Things I'll miss the most include, but are not limited to, the following:

Mint juleps.  Back in '08, I was not a whiskey fan at all.  I'd be lying if my first couple mint juleps tasted good that year, but hey, when in Rome.  They quickly grew on me, and now just the smell of whiskey makes me want to get to a horse racing track as quickly as possible.  So mint juleps turned out to be a gateway drink, and now I love whiskey.  Though it doesn't always love me back, cough, Pendleton, cough.

Money Is No Object, or M.I.N.O.  In the same vein as Wu Tang's slogan, C.R.E.A.M. (Cash Rules Everything Around Me), I liked to get drunk and say M.I.N.O. a million times throughout the course of Derby weekend.  Your entire sense of value of money goes out the window, whether it's throwing down a triple-digit bet on a horse only because they have a cool name; spending $200 on drinks every day because the aforementioned mint juleps are like $12 apiece; or lighting a $20 bill on fire, then using that flaming bill to light up a cigar (I learned that move from Krusty the Clown, and trust me, it makes you feel BALLER AS SHIT.)

The Twig 'n' Leaf, the greatest little breakfast diner I've ever eaten at.  There's nowhere else I'd rather go in order to put down a solid foundation for a day full o' boozin'.

Sneaking booze into Churchill Downs. It wasn't about bringing in a six dollar bottle of warm whiskey in order to save money....it was about jamming bottles in your dress socks, or duct-taping booze to your crotch, and defiantly strutting past security.  It was about trying to stick it to the man, if only a little bit.  I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand, dude.  Across this line, YOU DO NOT.....it was just about seeing if you could get away with it.  Also, dude, chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature.  Asian American, please.

Inside jokes on top of inside jokes:  More kick for your punch; you're such a bro with your HAIR and your WATCH; nice faggot blanket, faggot!; Early Times!; On a scale of 1-10 I'm really drunk right now; Doyouwantacarrot?  etc. etc. etc.

The Louisville crew.  The kind of people that I only hang out with once a year, but feel like I've known forever.

So there are a few things I'll be a little bit bummed about if you see me at about 3pm on Saturday.  However, thanks to the wonders of internet gaming, there is one thing I won't have to miss out on:  betting on a horse.  I'm going with Wildcat Red at 25-1, solely because I like yelling "W!  I!  L!  D!  CATS!"  every single chance I can.  It's my little cross to bear in life.  And why change up my tried-and-true betting strategy just cause I'm not there?  That would just be irresponsible.

AND WE'RE BAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!

....But for a limited time only.

Now, I'm not going to be so egotistical as to say that my post about boycotting KFC after they ditched the Double Down single-handedly convinced The Colonel to bring it back for another month....but I'm not going to not say it, either.

So, JUST IN CASE, here is a short list of other things I would like to see brought back, preferably for longer than one month, but I'm not too picky:


-  The Houston Oilers jerseys

-  Quarterback Crunch cereal

-  2Pac

-  New episodes of Beverly Hills, 90210-- but starting at Season 5, so no Shannen Doherty, yes Tiffani Amber-Thiessen

-  'Goosebumps' books

-  1 more year of college eligibility for Kirk Hinrich

 -  Norm MacDonald anchoring Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live

-  The Macarena craze, like when groups of 50,000 people were dancing it in the streets and shit

-  Hootie & the Blowfish

-  NBA games to return to NBC, strictly for the theme song





 -  'No Fear' t-shirts

-  Surge cola

-  Lil' Penny commercials





That is all at this time; I don't want so sound too greedy.  In the meantime, please forward all my mail to the KFC on 6th and Wakarusa until May 25th.  Thank you.

Favorite Movie Championship Belt

Sometimes I have ideas for the blog, and then sit on them forever.  A couple years ago, I had DVR'd The Fugitive, and was trying to convince Teens, who had never seen it, to watch it with me.  When she asked me to describe it, I started with, "Well, it was definitely my favorite movie when I was 11 years old."  And bingo, I knew I wanted to write a post where I go through the timeline of all the favorite movies of my life.  I also knew I wanted to frame it like a wrestling championship belt, since it fits well, and wrestling references are awesome.  In the two years since, Grantland has written columns with the same premise.  Why am I explaining this?  I guess I just wanted you to know I'm not intentionally being an unoriginal bastard here.

Anyway, from as early as I can remember, here is the timeline of what movie was my personal champion of the world. 

(Note:  I'm leaving all the Star Wars movies out of this exercise entirely.  It would skew everything and make this even more pointless than it already is.)

I can't exactly remember my first ever "favorite" movie.  My earliest memory of a movie was The Blues Brothers, and I know I was really into Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Short Circuit, and Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.  Let's just start in 1990 with Home Alone and call it good.


April 1992- Terminator 2: Judgment Day

My parents were notoriously strict about what I could watch/read/listen to.**   So needless to say, it took a ton of cajoling, and a pre-viewing on their part, for them to let me watch this movie.  Between special effects and the time travel premise, I think this was the first time a movie really blew my mind.

**Example: in 8th grade, my friends were going to see Jerry Maguire, and my parents called the movie theater to ascertain every single questionable scene from the poor movie theater employee and decide if I could go or not.  Verdict:  Locker room scene, so no, I couldn't go see it.  In 8th effing grade!  Oh, so I can work 14 hours a day gutting our basement after the flood, but I can't see Cuba Gooding Jr. naked and yelling "SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!"?  OK.  I get it.  (And yes, I know that's not the right scene.  Maybe if my parents had let me see this movie, I would remember it better.)


August 1993- Jurassic Park

Dinosaurs, bro.  Dinosaurs.


December 1993- The Fugitive

We watched this at my 11th birthday party.  My previous two birthdays featured a) my friends and I attacking the Happy Joe's mascot and tearing the dog costume off of him, like literally jumping off a table like it was the top turnbuckle and putting him in various leg locks and sleeper holds; and b) Aubol's face getting skated over during a free skate at the old Englestad Arena.  So in comparison, when I told my parents I just wanted some pizza and some movies for this party, they were so relieved I probably could've requested a bukkake film and they would've approved of it.

A couple other things here:  I usually have weird pictures as my iPhone lock screen, which drives Teens nuts, as she is a girl and wants pictures of us everywhere.  Instead, I usually have a rotation of Roger Dorn from Major League, the Mighty Ducks Goodwill Games team from D2, and this one.  "YOU FIND THAT MAN!"

Also, if we ever buy a dog, there's a 100% chance we're naming it Doctor Richard Kimble-- that will be a prerequisite to me agreeing to get one.  If we have a son, I'd say there's a 27% chance I can talk Teens into that same name.  You might think those odds are high, but I can be pretty persuasive.


1994 was a shitshow of awesome movies that were all released within a few months of each other, and at one point I called each one of these my favorite, so rather than try and list them in order of when I think I watched them, I'm just gonna list them in chronological order of their release date.  As my trivia friends can attest, my memory is good...but it ain't that good.

Ace Ventura, Pet Detective- Jim Carreys tho!

Speed- Everybody loved Speed when it first came out.  I loved Speed.  You loved Speed.  It's OK to admit it, Jack.

No Escape- We had a couple-year tradition where we'd watch this movie at Easy E's birthday party.  At the time, we just thought it was a great movie.  With the benefit of age and wisdom, we now know that it's a perfect example of a good-bad movie.

True Lies- All things considered, probably the most embarrassing entry on this entire list.  There's at least one semi-defensible excuse for every other movie listed here.  This movie, on the other hand, co-stars Tom Arnold.  (However, I will say that between True Lies and Trading Places, Jamie Lee Curtis played a large role in bringing me through puberty.)  

Stargate- Another fantastic good-bad movie.  I think the fact that we were studying the Egyptian gods in elementary school around the same time may have influenced me a bit.

Dumb & Dumber- One of the primary personality-shaping pop culture cornerstones of my youth.


April 1995- Tommy Boy

Brother loves this movie as much as I do, but I would still be willing to bet that on some levels, he wishes this movie was never made.  Top 3 ways I have used this movie to annoy the shit out of him:

3.  Spilling things in his car, and remarking "I think they'll be OK in here...they have a thin candy shell.  Surprised you didn't know that."

2.  Since moving to Kansas, every time I'm back in North Dakota, riding in a car with him, noticing that an old business has closed down, and pointing and yelling "Hey, the old muffler plant's gone too!"

1.  Beating him home from school, locking the door and making him ring the doorbell so I could re-create this scene, over and over and over again.  Also, I haven't called him AJ since this movie was released.





January 1996- Mortal Kombat




Wanna know how I was spending my free time in 7th grade, besides locking Brother out of the house, talking to girls on the phone, playing a shitload of video games, and talking to girls on the phone while playing a shitload of video games?  Walking to the grocery store with Easy E, shoplifting candy bars and Mountain Dew (earmuffs Mom & Dad), and watching and re-watching and re-watching (and re-watching) our VHS of Mortal Kombat that we taped off of a STARZ free preview weekend.  Life was simpler in the 90's.


May 1996- Happy Gilmore

This was the summer I started really getting into golf, and really getting out of baseball.  Was it due to this movie?  Tiger Woods?  Or the realization that my "It doesn't matter how fast you throw, all you have to do is throw strikes" style of pitching rapidly became unsuccessful once we moved up a league and they moved the pitching mound back?  Whatever the case, I effing loved this movie-- and still do, it has held up pretty well for me, besides the fact that Julie Bowen's hotness level is on some Benjamin Button shit.  I can't wait to see her when she's like 80.


August 1996- Tommy Boy + Dumb & Dumber

Over the next couple years, these two movies just took turns beating each other and trading the championship belt back and forth, too many times to keep up with.  Sorta like The Rock and Mankind in the late 90's.


August 1998- He Got Game

As a pseudo-test, I used to make potential girlfriends watch He Got Game and Above the Rim back to back.  It was a decent idea in theory, but after awhile I stopped, as I realized that if I ever wanted a girl to touch it, I either had to ditch this movie fest, or move to the Bronx.  However, now this pendulum has now swung too far back in the other direction, as I discovered the other day that Teens has NEVER seen either of these movies.  This oversight will be corrected shortly.


December 1999- Fight Club

Probably my favorite movie for a couple days or so; that sounds about right.  The equivalent of when Yokozuna won the heavyweight championship from Bret Hart, but then lost it five minutes later when Mr. Fuji screwed him over and Hulk Hogan beat him for the title.  Find me a high school-aged white boy living in suburbia who didn't think Fight Club was the most badass movie ever, for at least a small amount of time.  HIS NAME.  WAS ROBERT PAULSON.


December 1999- He Got Game

There were some other challengers, such as the DVDs we wore out while shooting pool in Ike's basement (American History X, The Matrix, Office Space), but Junior and Senior year of high school, my "Damn, I wish I was black" hubris was at an all-time high, so He Got Game quickly returned to the throne.  Oh yeah, my first email address was jakeshuttlesworth@hotmail dot com.  You wanna holler, MSN me.


July 2001- The Godfather

The summer after I graduated high school, I took a road trip to Seattle and Portland with Karan and DR, both of whom were older than me.  It was my first real long-distance vacation without family, and among other things I learned on the trip (how to play the main guitar riff from 'Beat It'; what crack rocks look like in real life and how much they can be sold for on the street; a decent-looking college girl with a personality trumps a super-hot high school B every single time), I was introduced to the Godfather universe.  First I read the book, then I watched the movies, and my taste in cinema was forever altered.  Big ups to DR and Karan for my education.


October 2001- Goodfellas

The mafia movie hill proved to be a slippery slope, and while I was balls-deep in all these gangster movies (Scarface, Casino, Donnie Brasco, Heat, A Walk to Remember, etc.) one emerged from the pack as the clear favorite.  If we're continuing with the wrestling analogy (and yes, we are), then Goodfellas is probably the Hulk Hogan.  There were some challenges from The Macho Man (The Shining), The Ultimate Warrior (The Royal Tenenbaums), The Undertaker (Mulholland Drive), and Shawn Michaels (Donnie Darko), but he's still probably the champion of all champions.


August 2004- Anchorman

HEY-OOOOO!!!  It's me, Papa Burgundy!  I don't need to say much else; it's been discussed ad nauseum on this blog.


September 2005- Goodfellas

Paul had moved away, so Anchorman started bumming me out just a little bit since it reminded me of him, juuuust enough for Goodfellas to come back and reclaim the title.  Note from this era:  Wedding Crashers and The 40-Year-Old Virgin are probably the Rowdy Roddy Piper and Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase of my lifetime, as in the best movies to never hold the championship belt once during their careers.


October 2006- The Departed

I saw this movie three times in the movie theater, a non-Star Wars personal record for me.  Obviously it was clear that Scorsese already knew how to cut to the core of me, but the bus that now had its wheels in motion was....


September 2010- Inception

.....Leo!  I used to make fun of DiCaprio and Titanic on the reg, but after The Departed, Shutter Island, Inception, Django Unchained, Wolf of Wall Street, and some re-evaluating of Gangs of New York and The Aviator after the fact....it's pretty clear that I'm just like every 13-year-old girl was in 1997.  I swoon over Leo too, just in a different way.


**********

So we're going on almost four years of the same champion now.  As you can see, as I get older, my favorite movie doesn't change every couple of months anymore.  I'm not sure if that's a sign of maturity....or just a result of Hollywood not making high-quality movies like Mortal Kombat with the same regularity anymore.  It's anyone's guess, I suppose.

Aye, I Ain't Never Smoked This Before

The song that I have been absolutely abusing on my iPod (and other people's phones, and jukeboxes, etc.) the last few weeks:





I'm kinda surprised I enjoy this song so much, since I usually don't like Pharrell Williams when he's runnin' solo.  I like him in small doses, like when he's just featured on other people's songs.  He's like potato salad for me.  Nobody would eat an entire meal of just potato salad**, but throw in a pulled pork sandwich (Daft Punk) and corn on the cob ("Blurred Lines") with maybe some coleslaw (Snoop Dogg) and Texas toast (N.E.R.D.).....well then, hey.  You got yourself a meal.  But this song stands alone beautifully.  Can't get enough of it. 

And now I'm effing starving.  Who wants to go get BBQ for dinner?


**That's a lie; not even two weeks ago I ate like 1.5 pounds of potato salad for lunch with nothing else accompanying it and called it good.  But still.

Gettin' Ink, Brah

I've always kinda hated the feel of wedding rings, and when my buddies started getting married and I tried on their rings for short amounts of time, that fact was confirmed for me.  So I knew that getting a ring finger tattoo was always sort of the long-range plan for me.  After the wedding, I wore my ring on the correct hand for a couple weeks, but being a lefty, I despised it.  From then on, I wore it on my right hand, and just dealt with all the different connotations attached to that strategy.  Everyone told me that I would eventually get used to having it on my finger, and to some extent I did, but it still bothered me more than an acceptable amount of time.  Ipso facto, time to get the tattoo.

I thought it was going to hurt quite a bit, since a) it was my first tattoo; b) it was directly on the finger bone; and c) I'm a huge baby.  I thought we might have to take a timeout at least once for me to call Mom, but the whole thing only took about four minutes, start to finish.  So not only did it not hurt very much at all (it felt more like a small animal scratching me or something), I didn't even have time to bust out my impression of David Spade doing his impression of Michael J. Fox  (2:55 mark of this video.)

And so ends the era of the UNITY ring.  I love Rick James and Dave Chappelle and all, but I couldn't quite pull the trigger on getting my skin permanently imprinted with a throwaway joke from a 10-year-old comedy sketch-- to say nothing of what Teens would've allowed me to do.  I got her on board (barely) with getting UNITY engraved in my ring; even if I wanted it, I have doubts I could've talked her into that tattoo.

Rapid-fire answers to FAQs:

-  I'm not sure if this will be a 'gateway tattoo' or not.  Since it was so quick, I didn't really get that adrenaline rush that tattoo junkies talk about.  That being said, I'm not going to rule out a bunch of 'F.O.E.' ink in the future, in hopes of becoming the third Morris twin.  Say it with me now:  Family Over Everything.

-  No, somehow this did not make my Dad proud of me.  Apparently the tattoo needed to cover my shoulders and biceps, and more prominently feature American flags and/or bald eagles for him to be impressed.  We discussed this on The Boards, and we decided that I need to stop half-assing things, or the old man will never give me my props.  I start chewing...but only pouches.  I get a tattoo....but only a small one on my ring finger.  I take an animal's life....but only because the squirrel ran directly into my golf cart and I couldn't stop in time.

-  I'm not anticipating this to be a problem, but if Teens and I are to get divorced someday...well, I've already got the C, the J, and the H....I'll just need to get creative and throw an R in there somewhere and then, boom, we've got RCJH.  (Rock Chalk Jayhawk to the layperson.)  The threat of changing my tattoo to this acronym is also what I'll be holding over Teens' head for the rest of our lives, so I expect the quality of her home-made dinners to be pretty, prettyyyyy superb from here on out.

F.O.E.

KFC Ya Later

When it comes to fast food, I am a petty, spiteful man.  One time in 6th grade I ate at Arby's, threw up shortly afterwards, and didn't go back for 18 years.

When Sonic got rid of the chili cheese wraps, I walked out on them and haven't looked back.  Despite never going longer than two weeks without eating Sonic for the first couple years I lived in Lawrence, it's now been almost three years since I've been back.

And now, in 2014, the KFC here in Lawrence got rid of the Double Down.  Unlike the Sonic incident, when I was too devastated to do anything but put my car in reverse and do the driving equivalent of the Sad Charlie Brown Walk back home, I stuck it out this time and actually ordered some other stuff off the menu.





And while the Famous Bowl is no effing joke (and clocking in at 700 calories per helping, it appeals to my fat kid sensibilities)....it's just not the same without the Double Down.  I highly doubt I will be showing up at KFC any time soon, unless it is to sit in the parking lot in the rain, listening to Bryan Adams and weeping softly.

However, in positive news: Teens, Gangel and I gave Burrito King a shot last weekend.  When I first moved down here, I was told that this joint had the greatest late-night drunk food in town.  With visions dancing in my mind of a potential plug for the still-fresh, gaping wound that the loss of Red Pepper had left in me, Lane and I first tried it after a day of tailgating at a KU football game.  Let's just say it didn't go well.  Fueled by copious amounts of booze and an anger that the "best drunk food in town" was nothing more than shitty Mexican food hastily slopped into flimsy styrofoam boxes, we reacted as any red-blooded 24-year-old Americans would've reacted...we punted our tacos into a large crowd of innocent bystanders and swore off the place forever.  (Side note:  If you've never punted a taco before, it almost goes without saying that I highly, highly recommend it.)

That was in 2007.  Last Friday night, for whatever reason-- maybe because Gangel and I eat Taco Bell every single night we booze together and we wanted to change it up a bit-- I decided I needed to try Burrito King again.  And it wasn't terrible!  Three tacos, spanish rice and refried beans for under seven dollars, and it didn't taste like wet newspaper?  Plus some seriously spicy hot sauce that delighted Gangel and I, and almost put Teens in tears?  I can get on board with that.  (Although we did go back to Taco Bell the next night and absolutely demolished it.  Rome wasn't built in a day.)

So I lost a fast-food restaurant out of my rotation, and I gained one right back.  It's the circle of life.  World keeps on spinnin'.

2014 All-Ugly Team

The All-Ugly Team was hit hard by graduation last year.  However, I received more nominations this year than in any other year, by far.  There were so many worthy candidates that for the first time ever, I considered inviting a few extra players to walk on, after all 12 scholarships were filled.  In the end I stuck with just 12 spots, but seriously, great hustle everyone.  You really went out there and hit the recruiting trail hard this year.  We needed a strong class, and we got one.


BENCH:

KC Caudill, Boston College.  (#5 in the photo.)  Give it a couple of years, and I could see him having his own sitcom on CBS, playing one of those goofy bastard dads who inexplicably has a smoke show wife, a trouble-making son, and a hot teenage daughter who gives him ALL sorts of problems.

Emanuel Chapman, North Carolina Central.  The good news is, nobody from North Carolina Central will ever get busted for smoking weed, because Chapman already smoked it.  All of it.  He looks like Redman, only with a bigger beard, and higher.  While scrolling through his pictures, I almost found myself looking for Method Man in the background.  Also, as Alfonso put it, "Pretty gummy."

Marcus Smart, Oklahoma St.  Everyone wonders what that loser Texas Tech fan said to Smart to make him instantly snap and go after him in the crowd.  I bet it was something about his shitty haircut and acne scarring.

Ryan Spangler, Oklahoma.  Like Happy Gilmore, he holds two records, and they're both terrible.  He is the sweatiest dude to ever set foot on a basketball court (yes, even sweatier than Jonye) and he has the worst mess of a tribal tattoo of anyone not currently serving a prison sentence.

{Side story:  Oklahoma played at KU the same day that Harold Ramis (Egon Spangler from Ghostbusters, among other things) passed away.  On our way to our seats, we happened to be crossing paths with where the visiting team runs from the locker room to the court, so naturally we stopped to heckle.  When Spangler jogged by, I had a sudden burst of inspiration, and I leaned in close and said, "Hey Ryan....I'm sorry about your dad."  He didn't get it, but DJ Bennett, the player running next to him, definitely did.  I thought it was clever as hell, personally.}

Brady Heslip, Baylor.  As the only returning senior on this year's squad, it's with great sadness that I say goodbye to my boy Heslip and his floppy side part.  I know I've said this before, but if he went to KU, right now we'd be having a ceremony to hang his jersey on my Wall of Fame.  You can forget about him for 10-15 minutes of game time pretty easily, since he almost literally does nothing but shoot threes, and then WHAM!  Out of nowhere, he makes it rain on four consecutive possessions, and all of a sudden he's getting cocky and throwing up three goggles and chest bumping black guys.  We'll miss you, Brady.

Stefan Nastic, Stanford.  I swear this isn't just because they took out KU in the tournament.  Between his goofy mannerisms and his awkward face, he looks like the wacky Eastern European neighbor on an 80's sitcom.

Cat Barber, NC State.  He looks like someone who would get busted stealing things out of dorm rooms on a recruiting visit.  Which is ironic, because he more than likely got busted stealing things out of dorm rooms on a recruiting visit.


STARTING FIVE:
 

Terran Petteway, Nebraska 

A bad beard by itself usually isn't enough to land you on the All-Ugly Team (otherwise James Michael McAdoo would've made it for his Rasheed Wallace patch-beard impersonation this year.)  A bad set of braids usually isn't enough either (unless you're the legendary Alex Tyus.  Never forget.)  But when you combine a terrible beard with terrible hair....welcome to the squad, Terran!  On top of that, Petteway is one of the rare people who has not enough tattoos.  Like, if you're gonna go full shoulder and bicep, you might as well cover the forearms, too.  It just looks weird to stop at the elbow and have nothing else.  It's like ordering a couple Big Macs, a 12-piece McNuggets, a McFlurry, supersizing your fries...and ordering a Diet Coke because you're counting calories.


Sean Harris, Utah St.

Quick math:  Charlie Villanueva + Carrot Top + Kid from Kid 'n' Play = Guaranteed starter on All-Ugly Team.


Matt Stainbrook, Xavier

Three things I can guess about Stainbrook by looking at him:  His favorite movie is The Matrix.  He uses the insult 'noob' at least once a day.  He has a tinder account, and uses it exclusively to show girls various photographs of his balls.  And judging by the look on the Creighton player's face, he smells like beef & cheese.

 
Adreian Payne, Michigan St.

He looks like he should be a creepy, possibly sinister mortician in one of the Final Destination movies or something.


Hugh Greenwood, New Mexico

So our old friend Hermie from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer takes over the captaincy in his junior year, but not without some controversy.  This season, Greenwood ditched the wannabe-dentist elf hair that I enjoyed so much.  Now he's going with this look, which can best be described as "Girl attends soccer camp, fails to bring a brush, straightener, or any sort of product, doesn't shower all week, and is now playing her heart out in the consolation championship on the last day of camp."

How I'll Miss Your Mother

The other night one of my favorite shows of all time ended.

I've been with How I Met Your Mother since the beginning, which I can't say very often, especially involving shows whose series finales are considered "events."  Usually I either get into shows after they're well established, or already finished (The Wire, The Sopranos, Arrested Development, etc.), or I don't really care about the show, and so all the end-of-series hoopla means little to me (Friends, Lost, 24.)  The shows I get in on from the beginning usually meet their end tragically early or with little fanfare (Chappelle Show, Ed, Party Down, Love Monkey) and I end up pissed off.  Or, in the case of Beverly Hills 90210, it lasts for like 17 years and I'm begging for FOX to just take it behind the shed and shoot it already.  (Hey Brando, thanks for the goodbye video in the series finale though!  Wouldn't want you to break a sweat or anything.)

So even though the last couple seasons of HIMYM have been at best uneven, and at worst unwatchable...here we are at the end.  I didn't laugh a whole lot this last season, but now that it's gone, I'm going to miss this show.

It's sorta like breaking up with a girl, and you're just about to pull the trigger...and then all you can remember are all the good times, like Barney on The Price Is Right (how does that clip not exist on youtube?!?!?), or Robin Sparkles, or the slap bet, or SUIT UP!, etc. etc.  You forget about how much the Barney-Robin relationship pissed you off at the time, or how much of a little bitch Ted could be, and you forgive all the stupid false alarms about when The Mother was going to be revealed throughout the years....and that's how you end up getting hammered and booty-calling your girl at 3 in the morning every couple weekends for the next eight months, and starting the spiral over, again and again.

{SPOILERS BELOW}

As for the series finale, I kinda liked it.  It was a bummer in a lot of ways, but I liked that it was realistic, and it showed a lot of soul in the process.  It can't always be Ross & Rachel or Jim & Pam or whatever.  People get divorced.  People have children out of wedlock with people they barely know.  Careers don't always work out like you hoped they would.  Spouses pass away, and years later, the widower might venture out to date again.  I have friends I've regrettably fallen out of touch with.  I still miss my college apartment from time to time.  If I was 21 years old, I don't think I'd enjoy this show near as much, but for people in my age range, it's pretty damn accurate. 

I know I'm in the minority in enjoying the finale, and I can definitely understand people who didn't like it, or who even hated it.  I'm not gonna sit here and tell people how they should interpret the last few scenes.  But here's one thing I think the general internet is maybe freaking out about a bit too much...I don't think the show definitively stated that Ted and Robin "END UP TOGETHER", or that the last scene signified that Robin was the love of Ted's life all along.  He was married to a woman he loved maybe more than anyone else, had kids, lost her to illness, is thinking about dipping his toe into the pool again, and hey, Robin and I are older and more mature now, why not give it a whirl?  All he was doing was going over and asking her out on a date (albeit with the blue french horn from the pilot episode, which implies a certain level of romanticism.)  But it's not like they showed them together 35 years later, happily married, sitting in their rocking chairs.  Just a date.  That's all.  There's nine years of evidence stating that Ted & Robin don't necessarily make it work.

For people who wanted a true happy ending after investing nearly a decade into the show, I can understand the frustration.  All I know is that someday soon, I'm probably gonna be drinking a bottle of Pendleton and texting an ex-girlfriend about how good we were together-- a.k.a. digging out the Season 1 DVDs and starting the show all over again.

March Madness Weekend, Part 2: Heyyyyyy Brotherrrrr!!!!!!

~This is where I'd insert a group photo, but we managed not to take a single one the entire weekend.~

In other news, Fundy, Smapes, Easy E, LZE, Morley, and BroMo came to town last weekend for March Madness games, golfing, Golden Tee, and general douchebaggery.  Along with Kansas friends Hendo and JDub (and some others who made cameos but are inconsequential to the overall arc of the weekend) we made some SERIOUS plays.  On Saturday, after golf in the morning, I took the crew to one of our go-to bars in Lawrence, "for lunch and a couple of beers during the Florida/Pittsburgh game."  Huge mistake.  13 hours and $800 later, there's a decent chance I might not be let back into that establishment.  The lesson:  Don't take your lowlife friends to one of your home-field advantage bars.  They get to skip town and never show their faces there again; you don't.

Full disclosure:  I'm probably exaggerating how annoying we were that day.  I spent most of the day alternating between laughing my ass off and being mortified, but my pseudo-buddy Hoff, who runs the joint, came up to me at the end of the night and told me we livened the place up and that I should bring my friends from up north whenever I want.  Also, apparently some people (strangers to me) who were at Johnny's Wet at the same time as us left at some point, went to another bar, and ran into my buddy Zim, telling him "We just came from Johnny's Wet, and there was a group of North Dakotans bellied up and getting rowdy, they were AWESOME!!!"  So maybe there were a few fans amongst all the people we pissed off.  Some other mini stories:

- For readers who don't personally know the cast of characters, BroMo is Easy's brother.  (BroMo's blog nickname stems from him being my BROther of a different MOther.)  So every time BroMo came back from the bathroom, or sat down with a random girl at a different table, or really just every time it had been seven minutes and we were getting bored, someone would yell out, and everyone would join in, "Heyyyyyyyy Brotherrrrrrr!!!!!"  Sometimes I exaggerate how many times a certain phrase gets used during a drinking sesh, but no jokesies, we yelled that at least 75 times while we were there.  Conservatively.  It got to the point that random people around the bar were joining in with us during the first syllable....because they knew where that train was headed.

So at the time, I had no idea what the reference was from; I just thought it sounded fun and joined in cause all the cool kids were doing it.  The next morning, I found out it was from this song, which sounds more depressing or something.  It doesn't sound like a celebration.  I like our way better.





-  I get a fair amount of shit for my northern accent from my Kansas friends, even though I don't think I have a bad accent.  A good way to sum it up is thusly:  Last week I ran into some guys from the University of Minnesota-Crookston at the golf course, we got to talking about where I came from, blah blah blah, and they asked "So, does your accent go away after you live down here, or what?"  Not even two hours later, I was talking to another random guy born and raised in Kansas, he asked me a question, and before I could even finish the first sentence, he was cutting in, "So, you're from up north, huh?"  So it goes both ways.  Anyway, after three full days of hanging out with us day and night....Hendo and JDub developed northern accents.  It was fantastic.  As much as they hated it, they couldn't stop it.  It was hilarious to watch.  It's only now beginning to fade.  What a coupla hosers.

- Teens and Smapes went home earlier than the rest of us on Saturday night, but it wasn't to stop drinking and/or sober up.  When we came home, we walked in on the TV volume turned up full blast on the 90's Jams channel, and the two of them were dancing, SYNCHRONIZED, to Usher.  I don't have anything else to add here; just thought that should be documented somewhere.

- Oh yeah, Morley decided to get tattoos drawn on his face and neck.  A '#G' under one eye, a prison teardrop under the other (I thought that definitely had a chance to end unfavorably) and a giant colored-in exclamation mark on his neck.  Seemed like a good idea at the time.

- On Friday night, I got so drunk that I was initially saying it was my drunkest night in a solid decade-- thinking of Easy and ADawg's going-away party before they got shipped to Iraq, a.k.a. the night I made my girlfriend pull over the car in the middle of the busiest street in Grand Forks so I could fall into the road and throw up right there, as cars honked and yelled at me.  Upon further review, I was probably drunker the night I got kicked out of Shooting Star Casino, and also the day I blacked out in Vegas at 5pm.  But the fact remains....Friday night was bad enough to at least be in the discussion.  That's ridiculous.  I'm coming off last weekend with something you couldn't even call a hangover; it's more of a life re-evaluation.  I choked down 2.25 beers during the KU loss on Sunday afternoon, and they might've been the last beers I have for the rest of my life.  (I know, I know.  I'm lying.)

With Jonye having his kid a couple months ago, The Boards are now split 2-2, with Noles and Jonye having kids, and Horp and I still partying whenever we want.  Lately we've been having "arguments" on who enjoys their life more.

Sample exchange from these arguments:

"Good luck with the diapers.  I'll be drunk."

"Tell that to your headache tomorrow."

"My headache is caused by too much fun.  Yours is from poop in pants."

 Anyway, after last weekend, I gotta be honest.....score one for the Dads.  (Sorry Horp.  I'll be back on your side in a couple weeks or something.)

March Madness Weekend, Part 1: KU Chokes Again

I swear I'm not that picky.  I swear I would've been happy with a loss in the Sweet 16, or even a loss to New Mexico in the second round.  Am I asking too much here?  Am I asking too much to not lose to a team seeded at least 8 lines lower?  AGAIN?  I dunno, maybe I'm being greedy.

For me personally, it definitely turned into the ol' "Be careful what you wish for" (one of the best 'Goosebumps' books of all time, btdubs) in that I was terrified of New Mexico, KU got Stanford like I wanted....and KU still lost.  I wasn't cocky about the matchup or anything-- VCU in 2011 solved that forever-- but I was definitely feeling good when New Mexico got knocked out.

After the initial shock and depression, I've been pretty level-headed about the loss.  Any time you lose your second-best player and top 5 draft pick to injury, you're gonna be vulnerable.  But still, it's just.....it's Stanford, man.  And they didn't even play well.  It's one thing to lose to a low seed when they come out like gangbusters, or have the best game of their season (the aforementioned VCU game, Northern Iowa in 2010, Rhode Island in '98.)  It's another when the low seed brings, at best, their B- game, and it's still enough to knock you off (Stanford, Bucknell in '05, UTEP in '92.)

And so concludes a weird season in Lawrence.  After the entire starting five left last year, I thought it was just going to be a nice bridge season, watching the kids get better, just trying to keep the conference title streak alive, getting a 4 seed at best in the tourney, and looking forward to 2015.  In a weird way (and I know I'll get crucified for saying this), after this stretch of six out of seven years being serious title contenders, it was going to be a relief to just chill out and have a more relaxing "down" year.  Then we got Wiggins.  Oh.  Then Embiid turned out to be a monster right away, not two years from now.  Oh.  Then we beat Duke in the second game of the year, in spectacular fashion.  Oh.  So the ceiling is removed now.  I get it.

And honestly, that's where the season peaked for me.  Watching that game, watching the players play well, and play with smiles on their faces, I was sitting there thinking "However the season ends up, this is definitely gonna be one of my favorite squads of all time."  But it never really materialized that way.  I'll take the Dancing McLemores, or the shit-talking 'Family Over Everything' Morris Twins, or even the on-court nerdiness of Hinrich & Collison, over the relative lack of personality that this year's team had.

And now, since Tarik Black, Wiggins and most likely Embiid are leaving, this year was national title or bust.  It's unfortunate, but that's life in the one-and-done era.  Potential Wall of Fame inductee Andrew White III is sure to transfer too, but I'm gonna pull a Forrest Gump and say that's all I have to say about that, lest I spin off into a huge rant against Bill Self that I really don't want to do right now.  I'll just say that between Self's handling of White, and the amount of times KU looked like they'd never seen a 1-3-1 zone or a 1-2-2 trap before...it hasn't been my favorite coaching job ever.

This isn't to say there aren't bright spots in the future; far from it.  My boy Conner Frankamp had his coming out party in the tournament, and I look forward to three more years of meaningful moments with him (inside joke.)  Jamari Traylor is already better than I ever thought he would be, and he's still got two years left.  Frank Mason has more than a little Sherron Collins in him.  Perry Ellis, another year older and better (hopefully he learns how to play some fucking defense though.)  Incoming freshman Cliff Alexander looks like a MONSTER, and will hopefully bring some of the swag that's been missing since Tyshawn and T-Rob left a couple years ago.  So we'll be back.  F.O.E.




Speaking of Alexander, I know that tricking a fanbase by pulling the hat switcheroo is about as big a douche move as there is (KU has been on the opposite end a few times, and I hate it-- still mad at ya, Baron Davis) but you know what?  Screw it.  Like I said, we need a little swag next year.  Plus, videos like this are just too funny.  Sorry for partying.


Wanna know the greatest thing about the end of college basketball season?  The Masters, the NBA playoffs, and Major League Baseball are right here to fill the void.  And don't cry for me Argentina, cause the Red Sox are DEFENDING CHAMPS, SON.

Coming tomorrow (or sometime soon, who am I, the Answer Man?):  March Madness Weekend Part Deux, when I talk about how drunk we all got.

No-Go If There's No Jo-Jo

So originally, I was gonna write a huge post before the tournament, sorta ranking the teams in order of how scared I was to play them as a KU fan.  This has always been my determining factor in picking teams in my brackets-- if the Jayhawks were five minutes away from tipping off against this team, how scared would I be that we were about to lose the game?

But with Joel Embiid's injury, everything goes out the window.  I'm like an elderly white woman at an N.W.A. concert; I really don't know how to predict what's going to happen, and I'm scared of everybody.  If you believe what Bill Self is saying, then Embiid should be back for the Sweet 16.  However, the first rule of Fight Club is you do not believe what coaches say to the media regarding injuries.....and the second rule of Fight Club is YOU DO NOT BELIEVE WHAT COACHES SAY TO THE MEDIA REGARDING INJURIES.  So I'm not convinced.  I think there's a very real chance Jo-Jo is done for the year; and I can't really blame him, with millions of dollars at stake.  And even if he does come back at that point, with a month's worth of rust, against a tough Syracuse team and their 2-3 zone, that's still a terrifying game.

So bottom line, I have absolutely no clue what to make of the Jayhawks' chances this year.  I could see a second-round flame-out with no Embiid to protect the rim from New Mexico's dynamic frontcourt of Bairstow and Kirk....or maybe they survive the first weekend, Embiid comes back and feels good, and the same team that beat Duke and ran through the Big 12 resurfaces, and all of a sudden we're giving Florida a fight for their life in the Elite 8.  It's all on the table.

Roun' these parts, where 95% of people's brackets have Kansas winning it all every single year, I sometimes get accused of being a pessimistic, doom-and-gloom fan.  But whatever, I'm usually right.  I picked them to lose in the Sweet 16 last year and was right, I picked them to lose in the Elite 8 in 2011 and was right, etc. etc.  Please don't misconstrue the fact that I *think* they will lose as me *wanting* them to lose.  That's absurd.  While confidence is low, excitement remains high.

***************

So in lieu of giving my thoughts on some of the other teams in the tourney, I thought I would let my friends do it.   I've done this a couple times before, and they're kinda fun to re-read with the benefit of hindsight.  This one was just before the 2010 tournament, and this one was prior to the 2011-2012 regular season.
 
So here's how some of my fellow college basketball diehards feel about their squad as we enter the greatest three weekends of the year.  (Disclaimer:  Everyone brought a lot of hustle, so this might get long.  However, it's the only post you're gonna see here for at least a week, so make it last if you need to.)

Here's the keys to The Slice, why don't you guys drive for a while.

Double D, representing Kansas

Unnerved, unmoved, unlaundered. Three very fitting words for my March, and I am positive I am not alone. Unnerved because I try not to set riDUNKulous expectations for any KU Squad, but more times than not I end up disappointed. "WE ARE GOING TO THE SHIP!" Unmoved because you won't often talk me off my opinion ledge or out of my lucky chair. "BRO, THIS IS WHERE I SAT IN '08!"  Unlaundered and dude your shirt smells too! (Fact, Axe Body Spray sales triple in March! Bibliography: Wikipedia Internet Machine).

As a #rockchalker #kubballer March Madness is what I look forward to in the basketball season each year. Don't get me wrong, I love winning the conference. But most Jayhawk fans measure basketball success in the Big Dance, and it would not be hard for them to admit to that statement. This particular year I have faith in our Coach to get us to the Sweet 16, after that it is up to the players to take us further! Today I want a rematch with Florida to get to the Final Four, tomorrow I will be praying that Stephen F. Austin advances to the Elite Eight. Regardless of the opponent, I want to see my team work hard and make plays! Really, really, really, ridiculously good plays.

Obscure Rap Song Title to be used as my personal #KUBBALL Tournament Slogan: "Work Hard Play Hard" -Wiz Khalifa

Here is what I want; 4-6 great tournament games that my team wins!

ROCK CHALK!


Hendo, Kentucky

Is it January? The last two games is what I was expecting to see in mid January, not in the last 2 games of the Conference Championship. If you have been following Kentucky Basketball in the last month, which I'm sure everyone of you has, Calipari reportedly has been "tweaking" things in practice. Nobody knows what the said "tweaking" is and obviously Calipari won't say either but, players seem to be having fun playing basketball and less like Calipari Robots. Andrew Harrison has learned that he is not the best player on the court, let alone his own team.  Let me know if you want a "fear the tweak shirt" (shirts are made from recycled 40-0 shirts.) However anytime we go on a scoring drought its because we can't get Julius Randle the ball on the block at any point in the possession. I think Julius should take the ball up the floor, dribble it to the left block, and then we can start the offense.

The draw in the Midwest Region for Kentucky is obviously not an easy one. If this team is performing the way they did against Florida in the SEC Championship I don't see Kentucky having a problem with Kansas St. or Wichita St. The length of Willie Cauley-Stein doesn't match anyone from either team. I also don't see anyone being able to play with Julius Randle. WSU doesn't have the personnel to double team him like most teams have been doing. I do believe the game that will be huge for them is the potential Louisville match up.  If this team makes it to the second weekend and finds a way to beat Louisville I will be 100% convinced this team has finally learned to play as a team and wouldn't be surprised if they made it all the way to the Championship game and seek revenge against Florida.

In the Championships Trophy Speech I also expect WC-S to be MVP and give this speech:

"We had to go back to playing Kentucky Basketball. We came out here. We were letting us be bigger than the game. We were bigger than the game. We had to say, ‘Hey, let’s play Kentucky Basketball,’ because can’t nobody be bigger than this game. And we did that, and we came out victorious."*

*Editor's note:  Nice Jameis Winston reference.


Stenj, Florida

In these times of the one-and-done this year's Florida Gators are a throw back squad.  Led by four Seniors and without a sure-fire NBA player on the roster, this team's success relies on experience, leadership and team defense. 

Scottie Wilbekin is the heart of the team.  Arguably the best PG in college ball, he runs the machine.  He can defend, drive and seems to always come up with a big bucket when they need it most.  The SEC Champions are also blessed with two talented sophomores in outside threat Michael Frazier II (45% from 3) and 6th man Dorian Finney-Smith.

The Gators play tough defense and set up the full court press every opportunity they have.  The press doesn't necessarily create many turnovers, but tends to wear the opposing side down by the end of the game.

Billy Donovan's squad is not deep in the big man department.  They tend to have some trouble with offensive boards and finishing when they rebound one of their own.  They are also a poor free throw shooting team, specifically from their bigs. 

The nucleus of this team has been to three straight Elite 8s and is the number one overall seed this year.  They come in on a 26 game winning streak looking for 6 more.  I like Florida taking the next step and moving on to the Final Four this year.  Is a championship in the cards?  Who knows, but I like the team with senior leadership and experience under the big lights.


Horp, North Carolina

(Editor's note:  I have a disgusting number of North Carolina fans, and I didn't even ask Fundy to write me anything, since I wanted him to focus on getting done with work and getting on I-29 to get down here.)

No one could have predicted this year's UNC team. Losing two starters at the beginning of the year, then beating the #1,2,3,4 ranked preseason teams, but losing to Belmont Street and a JV team, and now comes the tourney. I would compare this year's UNC team to Justin Bieber.

First, he looks cuddly with that mop of hair (UNC ranked in top 15 to start the year).....then he starts hitting that fine ass* (UNC beats Mich St and Louisville).....but then the Bieb's dad comes around and starts taking lap dances next to his son and blocking off traffic so he can drag race (loses to Belmont and JV team).  But then the Biebs is spotted back with that hot little ass** (beating Duke).

So, I will be watching TMZ before the tourney starts and if Bieber isn't hurling eggs at his neighbors, then UNC has a chance at the Sweet 16. But if I see that fool biting another strippers nipple before tip-off, then it could be a first round loss.

*Editor's note:  He's talking about Selena here.
**Editor's note:  Still talking about Selena.


Easy E, North Carolina

“It’s a new dawn! It’s a new day! It’s a new life! Annnnd I’m feeling goooooooood……”

It has been well documented how the Heels have gone from starting out 1-4 in the ACC to winning 12 of their last 13. I am sure the more casual UNC fan was already saying things like:

“We will be lucky to make the NIT this year”

“Can Roy please just call one 1st half timeout? ONE!?!?!”*

“TAR!!!!!   …. Soooo how about this Virgina team?”

But I am not here to stand-up for these fans, instead I am here to show them how this year’s team will make the Elite Eight and surpass everyone’s expectations! The one hiccup this UNC team has is its FT shooting and I don’t see their team free throw shooting  (62.5%) improving dramatically, but I believe this team now understands that Marcus Paige and Nate Britt need the ball late and specifically NOBODY TALLER THAN 6’5” should get the ball late! Also, UNC is one of the best teams this year at tipping missed FTs back to the offense, which is the 2nd best outcome after Marcus Paige shooting all late FTs. 

This team will go as far as Marcus Paige can take them, with support from J.M. McAdoo and Brice Johnson. JMM plays his best when he is not the #1 option in the offense and Brice is insta-buckets when he checks in. But Paige will need to play great virtually every game of this tournament for them to get to the Elite Eight-- which he has done throughout this late season run. 

The one flyer that scares me to death is J.P. Tokoto. I see him make wayyy too many questionable decisions with the basketball late in games, as well as his propensity to take long-range jump shots (23.5% from 3).  J.P. needs the Uncy Aaron speech, “When you woke up this morning, did somebody tell you that you were suddenly good at shooting?  No?  THEN QUIT SHOOTING!"  Don’t get me wrong, I love everything J.P. does around the rim, but once he starts floating around the 3pt line…. I’m nervous.  I got UNC winning late against Providence, shocking all Big 12 fans with clutch baskets late over Iowa St., then facing St. Joe’s.  I think UNC  matches up well on the inside and will run their transition game into the Elite Eight. After that, if it’s Mich. St. I think Izzo beats Ol’ Roy, but if it’s Virginia, then I like UNC’s chances. Go Heels. 

*Editor's note:  Easy E texts some version of this question to me multiple times a year, so don't be swayed by him attributing that quote to "the more casual UNC fan."


JDub, North Carolina

Ya know that feeling you get when you've completed the perfect lie? You crafted the deception, cleaned up the loose ends, and when the time came, you delivered the fib with conviction and just the right amount of pageantry. Your victim is fooled and you are free to resume living your life free from repercussion. IT. IS. AWESOME. It's my favorite feeling that doesn't involve cheese and/or R&B music.

You know who else loves to lie? The North Carolina Tar Heels. They've been lying to us all year long, and they're doing a phenomenal job. The only parallel I can draw is to a married man (UNC) deceiving his beautiful, doe-eyed, idealistic mistress (me). Here's the timeline:

- We meet, and it's hot. (Beginning of the season)

- Things get rocky, but it'll be better when he leaves his wife. (Just wait until we get PJ & Leslie McDonald back)

- He leaves town on my birthday to renew his wedding vows with his wife. I'm crushed. (UNC doesn't seek reinstatement for PJ Hairston, ending his time as a Tar Heel. I'm crushed.)

- I'm inconsolable, and he's stopped trying. (1-4 start in ACC play)

- He comes back, but I'm not ready to believe. (UNC rights the ship with a few wins in a row, fans remain unconvinced)

- He takes me to beautiful dinners and showers me with gifts for weeks. (The win streak reaches 5, 6, and then 7)

- I'm still dubious, but then he comes to my place and shows me the divorce papers. He's actually going to do it! He had a lawyer draft them and everything! (UNC beats Duke at home)

- Things sure are swell. (The win streak balloons to 12)

- I'm not so sure he filed those papers... (The winning ends with a loss at Duke)

- I become suspicious and go through his phone. He sent his wife a text telling her how much he loved her right before he came over. I'm confused. (UNC loses to Pitt in their opening game of the ACC tournament. I'm confused)

In short, UNC cannot be trusted. Is this the team that beat Louisville, Michigan St., Kentucky, and Duke or is this the team that lost to Belmont, UAB, and Wake Forest? It's a trick question. They are all these things and more. And less. And I hate everything. From game to game I have no idea what this team is bringing and I don't think they do either.

So to sum things up, when asked to jot down some quick feelings regarding how I feel about North Carolina heading into the tournament, I wrote almost nothing about basketball and instead focused on lies and unfaithful partners. How do you think I feel about the Heels right now? 

Jonye, Wichita St. 

(Editor's note:  Jonye played for Northern Iowa, so since they didn't make the tournament, I thought I'd give him a shot at MVC cohort Wichita St.  Whoops.)

Welcome to the Midwest bracket home to three #1 seeds and two #3 seeds, as Sir Charles would say what the committee did to Wichita State, is “TERRRRRRRRIBLE.”

Congrats to Wichita State for making the final four last year, going 34-0 this year, their reward is perhaps the toughest single region in recent memory.  If I was an NBA Scout I would just get an all session pass to the Midwest reason and wait to see what comes out of the other 3 regions at the final four, I wouldn’t be missing much.  Here is Wichita’s hypothetical run to the final four:  First round play-in game winner.  The first and second round will be in St. Louis and place near and dear to the hearts of all MVC Fans.  Round 1 should be a win.  Round 2 facing the winner of Kentucky/Kansas St, Kentucky is the team that just took Florida to the wire and is littered with lottery picks, #8 Seed is a joke, likely more of #3, but if you are going to undervalue a team, put them in the Midwest (see also Louisville, Duke, Michigan).

IF Wichita wins its second round game they get to face Louisville, which is a #1 seed posing as a #4 seed in the Midwest.  Virginia can play its way to a #1 seed but Louisville can’t? Arguably the hottest team in the country right now and they were given a #4 seed.

 IF WSU beats Louisville they will face likely either Duke or Michigan, Duke probably should have been a #2 seed.  Michigan, had they beaten Michigan State, would have been a #1 seed.  Somehow a Michigan St. win in the Big 10 Tournament isn’t good enough to vault them to anything above a #4 seed (much like Louisville), but Michigan's and Duke's losses are penalized with a drop?  Does the committee value conference tournaments or not? You can’t have it both ways.

So there you have it, the Midwest region home to 3 -  #1 Seeds (Wichita State, Louisville, and Michigan) and 2 -  #3 seeds (Duke and Kentucky).

I am not conspiracy theorist, but it looks an awful lot like the committee is tired of non-BCS schools making it to the final four, to reward a team that went perfect through the regular season and then won their conference tourney, with the toughest bracket in recent memory is shocking. If this is how they want to do it, let’s just go to the football system where there is D-1A and D-1AA, let the BCS Schools form four conferences with 35 teams in each conference and then play it out.   Wichita State can only beat who play them, and they beat everyone, KU wouldn’t play them, KSU wouldn’t play them, and that’s just in the state of Kansas.  If 34-0 and doesn’t garner enough respect to get a decent draw in the committees eyes I guess every conference, outside of the ACC, Big 10, Big 12, PAC 12, and Big East should be one bid conferences, let the smaller schools play in the NIT.  That’s not the tournament I grew up with, but the way things are trending you will see the end of the Cinderella story and begin the era of evil step conferences.  Jealous that their players are all one and dones and jealous fans that have to learn a new roster every year, this is TERRRRRRRIBLE.

Long live the MVC where defense and team basketball are still respected, the players come to get an education and learn how to play as a unit.  Long live the years where Northern Iowa had the chance to upset a #1 seed Kansas*.  If I wanted to watch a bunch of guys who weren’t interested in team basketball and making those around them better, I would watch the NBA and maybe in a few years the NCAA tournament. No Thank YOU.

*Editor's note:  I'm not sure what he means here.  Do you want Wichita St. to be an 8 seed now, so they have a chance to take down a 1 seed?  The MVC just got a 1 seed, and you just wrote The Gettysburg Address about their unfair path....but long live the years when you had a chance to take down a 1 seed?  I think this was a blatant excuse to shoehorn in a reference to the Faroukmanesh game, and I suppose I can understand that.  Dick.

***************

OK, pass me back the mic.  My quick bracket predictions, in 15 seconds or less:

Elite 8:  Florida, Syracuse, Michigan St., North Carolina, Arizona, Creighton, Louisville, Duke
Final 4:  Florida, Michigan St., Arizona, Duke
Champ:  Michigan St. over Arizona

Rock Chalk, dudes.  Fundy, Smapes, LZE and Easy, hurry up and get down here, and hand me a Mich Golden while you're at it.