Meet The Wedding Party

If we were doing an in-depth breakdown of the wedding party in the program, this is what my side would look like:

(Important note: the order of the Best Men will be determined by a half-court shot on a basketball court in Florida, in one of the last days leading up to the wedding.  The argument between these two on who would be Best Man has raged on for almost half our lives now, even though I've told both of them for a solid decade now that I would never choose between them, and that it would be settled by half-court shots.  The winner gets to stand next to me during the ceremony and give the first speech; the loser will still get a speech, but be subjected to ridicule by the other one for the  next 60 years.  I flipped a coin to see who would be listed first in the wedding program, and if you feel that coin flip was overkill....then you haven't been listening to these two fight it out since Justin Timberlake still looked like this).

Easy E, Co-Best Man- We've been friends since we were about seven years old.  We've been basically as close as brothers since Day One.  Most kids had one-night sleepovers; we would stay at each other's houses for days at a time. After logging approximately 8 million man-hours of hang-out time together, there is no argument we haven't had; no difference in opinion that we haven't spent hours hashing out-- whether it's who the hottest girl in our 4th grade class was (Nicole Jackson, holler at me) or who the most talented NBA team in the 90's to not win a championship was (1993 Phoenix Suns, in a close call over the 1996 Seattle SuperSonics and 1995 Orlando Magic.)

Paul, Co-Best Man-  Paul and I have also been friends since the age of seven, but if you're comparing this friendship to my friendship with Easy, that's about where the similarities end.  Whereas Easy and I fight and bicker like brothers, I'm not sure that Paul and I have even had a minor disagreement.  There may have been one time in 1998 when he wanted to eat lunch at Wendy's and I wanted Taco John's, but that might be about it.  When we were getting ready to move into the dorms together freshman year, our parents cautioned against it, saying that living together often destroys friendships.  Four years later, when Paul graduated and moved out of Culligan Manor, we mitigated our separation anxiety by promising each other to someday buy a duplex together and raise our families under the same roof.  Good call, Mom and Dad.  Friendship totally ruined.

(Allow me to get mushy for a second:  just before my junior year of high school, my dad got a spectacular job offer in Virginia, and it looked like my family was leaving North Dakota.  I threw a typical teenager tantrum--  "You're not uprooting me with two years left of high school, I refuse to move to Virginia-- and by the way, we're out of Mountain Dew, why don't you pick up a case at Hugo's today?"  In their desparation to get me on board, my parents said if their families would allow it, I could bring Paul and/or Easy E with me.  Despite this meaning that their entire lives would be uprooted as well, both of them said yes, they'd move to Virginia with my family and I.  Long story short, things fell through and we didn't move to Virginia anyway...but the point is, there is no way that one guy deserves TWO friends that were both willing to give up everything they knew at age 16 to move across the country for me.)

Brother, Groomsman- I still remember the day that my parents brought Brother home from the adoption agency like it was yesterday.  I've loved him like he was my real brother ever since then, and I hope (but am not holding my breath) that he feels the same way.  OK he's not really adopted, but still.  I would guess most adopted brothers are more alike than we are.  Brother truly is the son my dad always wanted-- hunting, training dogs, riding motorcycles, working on cars, being able to touch a live fish without squealing and possibly breaking out in tears, etc.  I spent most of my free time with sports, video games, and thinking up ways to antagonize Brother next.  (When I say 'spent' I really mean 'am still spending.') 




1995 was an especially tough year for Brother....Tommy Boy came out, and this scene led me to race home from school, lock the door, and make Brother ring the doorbell so I could greet him at the door.  Every day.  For months on end.  I literally haven't called him AJ since-- but when we did reference him as "AJ", we told people that the initals stood for "Another Jim."  Has a Groomsman ever left the Groom at the altar before?  It would be good payback for everything I've done to him over the years.  Love you, Brother!

Fundy, Groomsman- Fundy and I have been friends since middle school, and shared a bedroom wall at Culligan Manor for four years in college.  Some of our favorite activities include seeing how many beers we can drink while watching a single playoff baseball game on TV (we had a one-beer-per-half-inning minimum during the 2003 playoffs...things got ugly) and caring about college basketball way too much.  I'd tell you more, but if you added up the cumulative amount of time we've really sat down and talked to each other over the last 18 years, it would probably only be about 35-45 minutes.

JonJon, Usher- JonJon is seven feet tall, and didn't give me a friendship paragraph in his program when I was in his wedding a couple years ago.

Schne, Usher- Schne and I have known each other since we were teammates in little league baseball, but weren't really friends until high school, since everyone knows it's a pretty bold move to be actual friends with someone from another school until you're at least 13.  We both share an intense passion for Kansas Jayhawk basketball, the Kentucky Derby, and kickball games in the Walsh Hall Quad.  Additionally, if it wasn't for Schne's music recommendations for the last decade, I would still be listening to MC Hammer and the Spice Girls (not that I don't still listen to them, but now I have a little more variety.  You get it). 

Lane, Officiant- When Lane and I went to 'rival' middle schools in Grand Forks and played against each other in sports, my friends and I thought he was the biggest idiot we had ever seen.  It's nice to know that even after 15 years of friendship, I still feel the exact same way about him.  Lane's turn-ons include physically and verbally abusing me-- but also being a truly great friend, so I can't ever stay mad at him.  Having Lane officiate our wedding will either be one of the greatest decisions of my life, or the main reason why Teens will be googling "State of Florida annulment papers" the morning after the wedding.

Finn, Ring-Bearer/Hype Man- Finn enjoys the movie Cars, playing with toy cars from the movie Cars, video games based on the movie Cars, wearing fake tattoos of Cars characters, and running around the house yelling "Jimmmmmmm's getting married!!!"  It is this last skill that I think provides a lot of value to the wedding.  You know how Tupac was in the Digital Underground before he was famous?  And he would mostly just be a dancer in the background or the guy who chimes in at the end of rhymes, but occasionally he got his own verse?  But he was mostly just there to hype up the Underground?  That's what I'm envisioning with Finn.

The Top 5. Volume 20.

As you may or may not know, I'm getting married in two weeks (no, not to Anna Kendrick).  In honor of the momentous occasion, The Slice may be a bit wedding-themed until then.  Fair warning.

Now, everyone knows the standard reasons for marrying a particular person.  But what about the reasons behind the reasons?  What about the little things?  Here are my top 5 favorite "little things" that make Teens a fantastic future wife:


5.  If we're driving home after a KU basketball game, and I need to stop and get chew, but Bill Self's post-game interview is still going on, when we pull into the gas station ,before I can even glance over at her and open my mouth, she'll run in and buy a tin for me.

4.  After we officially settled on our wedding date being 5/10/13, the first thing she said was "Hey!  We're getting married on Langford/Hinrich/Boschee Day!"  

3.   When she makes a liquor store run, and I ask her to pick me up a couple of 40's, I don't need to specify that I want a paper bag sleeve for each of them.  She'll correct the liquor store employee if he forgets to include them.

2.  During a Dudes Weekend that happens to occur during basketball season, when everyone is "checking in" with their wife/fiancee/significant other/booty call, I'll call Teens, we'll exchange pleasantries and how's-it-goings.....and then we'll end up talking about KU basketball for 10 minutes.  More often than not, she brings it up before I do.

1.  Her favorite sketch from Chappelle's Show is the Player Haters Ball.  The hardest I've ever seen her laugh in our 2.5 years together is during the photo flip competition, when Chappelle, in reference to Rosie O'Donnell, says "I bet she wears underwear with dick holes!" 





(To be fair, that line is so awesome that it makes everyone in the sketch break character and double over in laughter; Chappelle even cracks himself up....but it's still pretty awesome that my future wife cries laughing from it too.)

Is This What Love Feels Like?

For all the jokes about Selena Gomez and Kristin Cavallari and fill-in-the-blank-here, it's girls like Anna Kendrick that Teens should really be worried about.  Most of these Hollywood crushes are just based on looks....but I think I'm legitimately in love with Anna Kendrick.  I want to take her back to North Dakota to meet my family and to express my intentions to marry her.  Hell, I've already told my mom about her.

You gotta admit, Anna Kendrick-Hammonds has a nice ring to it. I don't even care that she wants to hyphenate it.  That's the kind of unconditonal love we would have.  Do you, boo.  Do you.

Song Of 2013 So Far

I usually despise this genre of music-- which I don't even know the name of, I usually just call it "Timberlake and those d-bags"-- but this song is awesome.  Frontrunner for my favorite song of 2013 so far.  If this post has a lot typos$%*kseitldk h##  in it, it's because it's really hard to type and dance at the same time.  But damned if I'm not gonna try and do both.

2013 All-Ugly Team

Hey, it's everyone's favorite post of the year:  The All-Ugly Team!

(By "everyone", I mean that one time some dude from San Jose wrote me a lonnnnnnng and borderline creepy email about how much he looks forward to the All-Ugly Team every year.  Thanks, guy!  Glad my real name isn't associated with the blog anymore!)

(Also, thanks, as always, to everyone who gives me a shout throughout the season when they spot somebody ugly and want to make sure that they're on my radar.  It's nice to have multiple sets of eyes on the ugly players in college basketball every year.  My favorite submission this year was from Jenna, who called Kelly Olynyk from Gonzaga "a real ugly cuss."  She's from Wyoming).  Anyway, here we go:

BENCH:

Ryan Kelly, Duke.  A starter on the 2012 team, he gets demoted this year because his beard really helps him out a lot.  Also, even though it's unrelated to his looks, he gets bonus points for my favorite random moment of the season (non-KU division):  after his comeback from the injury that had kept him out most of the season, when he came in and drilled his first shot and turned to the Duke student section and yelled "I STILL GOT IT!!!!"  It's OK to be cocky if you're actually funny when you do it.

Brady Heslip, Baylor.  Still white, unathletic, with crappy hair.  Still does nothing but shoot 3's.  Still gonna make the All-Ugly Team.

Ryan Broekhoff, Valparaiso.  He looks like a middle-aged lesbian who, at all times, is super excited to be on a basketball court.

Marshall Plumlee, Duke.  You know those football helmets that have have a bunch of extra padding to help prevent concussions?  I know Mark Kelso of the Buffalo Bills used to wear one back in the day.  That's what Marshall's skull reminds me of.  I mean, it is just an absolute perfectly-shaped crown on top of that dome.  I'm not even mad.  That's amazing.

Josh Scott, Colorado.  If it was me, during the 2012 Presidential Election, I probably would've mentioned the fact that Obama clearly fathered a child with a homeless lady 19 years ago.  I dunno, maybe Romney didn't want to get into a mud-slinging contest.  I'm not his campaign manager or anything.

Cody Ellis, Saint Louis.  He constantly shows up late to his job behind the counter at the Quik Trip at 95th and Washington.  He also has plenty of thoughts on Linkin Park, if you want to hear them.  He thinks that the Hybrid Theory-era was totally overrated, and that "A Thousand Suns" is actually their best album, if you give it a chance.

Andre Almeida, Nebraska.  Allow Kanye West to do this section for me:

That's right, put in work
Move yo' ass, go beserk
Eat yo' salad, no dessert
Get that man you deserve


STARTERS

Hugh Greenwood, New Mexico.  My future brother-in-law does a tremendous impression of Hermie from Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, and I can't help but giggle every time I see Greenwood, as that impression rolls through my brain.  "Why am I such a misfit?  I am not just a nitwit!"  Classic.

Mike Bruesewitz, Wisconsin.  If his goal is NOT to look like Kyle Broflovski during the rare episode of South Park where they take their winter hats off....then I gotta be honest, I have no effing idea what he's trying to do with his hair.

Trevor Mbakwe, Minnesota.  A proud graduate from the Shane Battier Ripple-Head School for Gentlemen.  If it was like the X-Men school, then Battier would definitely be Professor X, Greg Oden would be Cyclops, and Mbakwe would maybe be Wolverine?  Actually, Glenn Robinson III should be Wolverine, since he plays for Michigan.  Mbakwe can be Iceman or Colussus or something.

Kelly Olynyk, Gonzaga.  He was OK with Gonzaga's early exit from the tourney, because he plays bass for a really shitty garage band, and they need to practice.  He has a friend whose uncle works in the music industry, and he heard that a bigshot from one of the major record labels is going to be in town this month.  They need all the rehearsing they can get- if his band ever wants to get a record deal, they need to quit screwing around and start taking things seriously!

Deniz Kilicli, West Virginia.  It's always a little sad saying goodbye to a four-year starter, and in this case, one of my favorite All-Ugly Team members of all-time.  Good luck in your future endeavors, Deniz-- which hopefully include bipedalism, discovering fire, and eventually inventing the wheel.

Babysitting 101

If you have a little kid, and I happen to hang out with him, and there is a basketball hoop involved....the first thing I'm going to teach him is not going to be dribbling, or proper shooting form, or a defensive stance, or anything related to the fundamentals of the game.  None of that.  Without exception, the first lesson will be how to yell "GET OFF ME!" when throwing down a monster dunk.  That, friends, is a Jum Hammonds Babysitting Guarantee.

(Also, if I may, I'd like to give myself props for my photography skills on the above picture.  It's a tiny bit blurry because I blew up the size for the blog, but the timing was just immaculate.  Finn was running across the driveway full speed when he was dunking, like MJ in the dunk contest, and I overcame my lack of iphone photography experience and caught the big fella right in mid-flush.  He's got his elbow in the rim like Vince Carter, son!  This should be on the cover of Sports Illustrated, with one of their classic play-on-words captions like "Finn-credible!" or "There's Only One Rule in the Leedahl Household:  Finn Or Go Home").



You Punch One Of Us In The Balls, We'll Punch Your Fanbase In The Stomach

Another year, another catastrophic Kansas Jayhawk loss in the tournament.  I surprised myself by how poorly I handled the loss, personally.  I kinda thought those days were behind me.  I didn't go sleep on a bridge in downtown Indianapolis or anything, but suffice it to say it was not a good night.





After another tournament loss like this, I feel like Lebowski yelling at Walter Sobchak, after Walter inadvertently throws Donny's ashes all over his face.  "Everything's a fuckin' travesty with you, man!"  During March Madness, why can't KU just get solidly outplayed and lose by like 8 or something?  Why do they either have to lose to a team seeded 8 spots lower than them, or blow a 14-point lead with four minutes left, or go 12-30 from the free throw line and lose the championship by three points, or shoot 23% on layups and dunks and lose an Elite 8 game, or have a Final Four game where they lead by 12, then go down by 20, then cut it to 4, and ultimately lose by 10?  Why must it always be a catastrophe? 

I was completely prepared for a loss Friday evening.  There would have been no shame in losing to a great Michigan team in the Sweet 16, one seed or no one seed.  That is a stellar team.  But nope, getting straight-up beaten is not the Kansas way.  First, your hopes have to be raised up juuuust high enough so that they can shatter when they eventually hit the ground.  And what was all that shit about Vietnam, Walter?  What the FUCK does anything have to do with Vietnam?

Two other random thoughts:

- When I was younger, one of the biggest things that drove me nuts about Duke was their bench.  If you pay attention to these kinds of things (and I know, it says something about me that I do) they always know IMMEDIATELY when a TV timeout is coming.  It's like a radar is activated in their brains once the clock reaches under 16,12, 8, and 4 minutes left, because those walk-ons are up and walking onto the court for the timeout before the ref's whistle has even finished blowing.  Always drove me crazy.  Do they practice that?  Does Coach K tell them that their playing time will be determined by who is up and off the bench first for TV timeouts?  Is it a required skill to be a walk-on for Duke?  Like, when they go in for tryouts, are they expecting to run drills and play pickup games, or does Coach K just go "OK guys, I want you all to sit on that bench over there, and I'm going to start this clock and have it count down to zero.  After it goes below 16 minutes, I'm going to randomly blow my whistle, and the first one out of his seat makes the team." ???  Just baffling.

But then I realized that I'm the exact same way when I'm watching a game at a crowded bar, and bathroom lines can be an issue.  I'm out of my seat and on my way to the bathroom before CBS even has a chance to play their NCAA basketball jingle and everyone else in the bar knows what's going on, and as a result I never have to wait in line to pee during big games.  It's the little things, you know?  Holler at me, Duke walk-ons.

- That KU-Michigan game, for Elijah Johnson, was a 10 on the karma scale.  EJ gave Mitch McGary a pretty solid tap on the ballsack two minutes into the game (I could write 1,000 words on how and why that was stupid, but I'll just leave it at this) and then he went on to have probably the worst game of his life.  You could make a case for one of the worst games in tournament history, once you factor in how it ended.  His plus/minus for the game was probably about a -15, and it felt like a -60. 

Just off the top of my head (I stayed off of social media for a few days, I haven't watched a highlight, and I haven't been able to bring myself to read an article about the game yet) with KU up 10 with like 90 seconds left, Elijah threw away a pass that lead directly to a breakaway layup for Michigan; got a 10-second violation that led to another basket; missed the front end of a 1-and-1 with 15 seconds left that led to Trey Burke's RIDICULOUS game-tying three pointer at the end of regulation; missed more shots in OT; and after driving all the way to the hoop, down two at the end of OT, for some reason made the decision to throw the ball all the way back out to the perimeter for a contested three-pointer.  HOLY SHIT.  And the sad part is, because of the nut-punching incident, there is no sympathy for Elijah.  He'll go down as probably the biggest goat in KU history, unfortunately.  Sad end to a career.  Maybe don't hit another player in the swimsuit area next time, dude.


But hey, you know what?  It's a beautiful spring day, the sun is shining, I'm getting married in a month....and it's Opening Day!  Quick, raise your hand if your man-crush on Jackie Bradley Jr. is bigger than mine.  Now everybody put your hands down, mine is definitely bigger.

Elliott Here, I'm Ready To Play!

I can't pretend that my mind isn't anywhere besides the tip-off at 6:37 tomorrow evening, so I'm not going to try to blog otherwise.  I hate the four days in-between the Round of 32 and the Sweet 16, when all you can do is freak out about the upcoming matchup, but yet you're expected to go to work and be a functioning member of society?  It's bogus.  I'm sitting here on my lunch break watching last year's KU/Carolina Elite 8 game on youtube for good luck, and getting ripped on by the ladies in the office.  What do you want from me.

I've been wondering if KU's game vs. Michigan isn't a little bit of "Be careful what you wish for."  Before the tournament, I was deathly afraid of what VCU's press could do to KU.  As a result, I was a huuuuge Michigan fan while I was watching their second-round matchup.  But then as the game went on, and the Wolverines kept on absolutely drilling VCU, I was starting to wonder how badly I should want KU to play them.  This is, after all, a Michigan team that was ranked in the top 5 most of the season, and only a couple of really tough Big 10 losses at the end of the year dropped them to a #4 seed.  So now, predictably, I'm scared to play Michigan.  I don't know, maybe I should just quit thinking I'm going to be anything but terrified this time of year.  KU could win the title five years in a row, winning every game by a 20-point margin, and I'd still sit here going "I dunno, KU usually struggles in dome games, plus I don't think the style that Central Connecticut State plays is a great match-up for KU.  We could have a battle on our hands."

Whatever.  It's March.

Also, my gambling tip of the day:  remember to bet on Arizona, they're covering like gangbusters lately, and even when they don't cover, it's worth it just to spend 2 hours yelling "W!  I!  L!  D!   CATS!....W!  I!  L!  D!   WILDCATS!"  You can't put a price on that type of fun.

My Bracket Thoughts In Nine Minutes Or Less

Had to fire this off quick, just to go on the record:


TEAMS I LIKE LESS THAN MOST PEOPLE:

Louisville- I like their defensive ability, and it's easy to look good running a suffocating full-court press when they're up 20, but I don't like how many close games they blew in the regular season.  Who takes their last shot?  Their lack of poise will come back to haunt them somewhere before the Final Four.  (Important disclaimer:  I hope I'm wrong on the 'Ville.  Due to preseason bets and things of that nature, I stand to make some money if Louisville goes all the way.)

New Mexico- It never works out well for Mountain West teams that receive surprisingly high seeds.  Plus no team with Hermes the Elf Dentist running the point is going far in the NCAA tournament.

SYRACUSE- They're ripe for an upset.  Montana shoots the three ball well (which is bad news for 'Cuse's 2-3 zone), and Jim Boeheim might as well be a library book, he's so checked out right now.

KU- We'll cover this later.


TEAMS I LIKE MORE THAN MOST PEOPLE:

UNLV- They underachieved all year, but they've got some studs and can score with anyone.  They can't play defense, but that isn't a big a concern with their matchups.  I've got them going to the Sweet 16 and losing to Indiana in a shootout.

Davidson- They've won 17 in a row, and are definitely under-seeded as a 14.  Heads up, Marquette. 

Arizona- Too many people are ignoring how well they played early on in the year.  Their guard play is outstanding, which is always a key in March.


UPSETS I ALMOST PICKED BUT COULDN'T PULL THE TRIGGER:

Pittsburgh over Gonzaga, North Carolina over KU, St. Louis over Louisville, Arizona over Ohio St., Oregon over Oklahoma St.


UPSETS I DID PICK:

Montana over Syracuse, Davidson over Marquette, VCU over KU, Wisconsin over Gonzaga (What?  Wisconsin?)


PICKS I CAN'T BELIEVE I MADE

Anything involving Wisconsin.  I've made plenty of money over the years betting against them in the tournament; for some reason I feel different about them this year.  Let's hope it doesn't turn out like the Super Bowl National Anthem, where I bet the under for the first time in my whole life, and then the over got crushed by an entire minute.


THIS TEAM'S BEST IS BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE'S BEST:

I like figuring out this team somewhere during the season; it's incredibly helpful for gambling purposes.  Last year it was Kentucky, the year before it was KU, the year before that, Syracuse.  This year, it's Indiana.  It doesn't necessarily mean they'll win it all, but if they play their perfect game, it doesn't matter what the other team does-- it won't be enough.


THE PART WHERE I TALK ABOUT KU:

So you may have noticed that I picked KU to lose to VCU.  I don't have a lot of confidence of KU coming out of their region.  If they were in the West, I'd probably pick them to go Final Four, but that South region has too many minefields.  Carolina, VCU, Michigan, Florida, Georgetown....yikes.  I started out the year thinking the season would be a success if KU made the Sweet 16.  Then they started rolling solid teams by 30 and 40 points in December, then won at Ohio St., then started off the Big 12 7-0, and the ceiling was removed.  It could be a championship year.  But then came the three-game losing streak, including the disastrous TCU game, and I saw what the Jayhawk's basement was.  And it ain't pretty.  They righted the ship, and looked impressive in the Big 12 tournament....but I can't erase how badly they bottomed out.  I can't watch a team play that bad and pick them go to Atlanta coming out of that tough of a region.  Plus VCU's havoc defense is not a good set-up for KU and their spotty point guard play, not to mention all the residual feelings from the 2011 Elite 8 game.  Is it weird that I'm more scared of VCU than I would be against Duke, or Gonzaga, or Miami, or any number of high seeds?  I wouldn't be shocked if  KU makes it to the Final Four, but I'd be pleasantly surprised.  I never expected this year's team to be a 1 seed (again).  Either way, it's already been an incredibly fun year.  I've thoroughly enjoyed this year's squad.


MY ELITE 8:

Louisville vs. Duke, Wisconsin vs. Ohio St. (I haven't even finished typing this sentence and I already regret that pick), VCU vs. Florida, Indiana vs. Miami.

MY FINAL 4:

Duke, Ohio St., Florida, Indiana

MY CHAMPION:

Indiana over Duke


Enjoy the best weekend of the year and Rock Chalk.

The Best Laid Plans....

Everyone knows that things rarely go as planned.  But last weekend, while up in Grand Forks and Thief River Falls for Russell's wedding, was a prime example of NOTHING going as I had it worked out in my head.  For example:

-Internal monologue:  Hey, there's a big screen TV not being used on that wall in the bar, I can watch the KU game tonight after all!  It's not like there's a UND hockey game starting in half an hour, and it's not like as soon as people realize the TV is turned on, they'll immediately go request that we watch the UND hockey game instead, and even though they wouldn't have known to ask about the TV without me, I'll have absolutely no recourse, because I'll be outvoted 20-1?  That would be rude, right?  Right?!?!

What happened in reality:  NOW I remember why I moved to Kansas in the first place.


-Internal monologue:  Mixing cheap whiskey with room-temperature orange powerade could taste OK....I'mma go ahead and mix up a few of them and pass them around the table, this will be sweet!

What happened in reality:  About what you'd think would happen when you mix those two together.


-Internal monologue:  Hey, if we start taking groomsman pictures in the morning, and the photgrapher asks us to crack some beers and pretend like we're shooting pool....after we finish up, and we're waiting for the girls to finish getting ready before the real wedding party photo session, we'll be responsible enough to just sit and wait patiently, right?  We're grown-ass men.

What happened in reality:  The one beer we were supposed to drink for the photos turned into us going back to our rooms and grabbing a case, sitting around a poolside table in the hotel, and busting out a bunch of quarters and playing a drinking game.  It took much longer than expected for the girls to be ready, so by the time we were ready to leave to go take our actual photos, most of us were half in the bag.  I'm sure my smile looks ridiculous in our pictures, because my #1 priority was to not pee my pants, since I had already broken the seal before we started, and I had to pee every 18 minutes or so-- we call that the Noland Plan.  (My #2 priority during pictures was to avoid frostbite, since it was 0 degrees and windy outside.  This won't be the last time I say this in this post:  the upper midwest sucks.)


-Internal monologue:  Any minute now, everybody in this god-forsaken hotel room will stop snoring, and I'll actually fall asleep.

What happened in reality:  Maybe the worst night of my life?  I officially laid my head down and tried to start sleeping at 3am.  Easy E, who knows he has a snoring problem, was considerate enough to stay awake for an extra half an hour, to give all of us a chance to pass out before he starting cutting wood (he made it 15 minutes before passing out, sitting upright and watching SportsCenter with a beer in his hand).  And that plan was a success...for everyone except for me.  For awhile, I could've sworn everyone was fucking with me.  As soon as Easy E would stop snoring, Fundy would start.  Then he'd drift off, right as Katie was firing up her chainsaw.  And it would just rotate around and around.  Sometimes there were multiple people snoring at once, but never was it completely silent for more than 30 seconds.  And during every one of those 30-second windows, I would get my hopes up that everyone was really done for awhile, and I'd be able to fall asleep.  As the hours ticked by, and 4am became 5am became 6am, I gradually lost hope.  I wish that there would've been a Paranormal Activity-style camera set up in our room, because it would've been entertaining to watch me all night.  I alternated between rolling over and punching Fundy in the arm, to stretching to the other bed to shake the shit out of Easy E, to walking over to the cot and gently moving Alfsonso and Katie (I couldn't hit a girl) to walking around the room looking like this....

....to opening up the fridge and debating whether or not to just say fuck it and crack a beer, to just sitting upright in bed, staring at nothing, thinking about how much I hated my life at that particular moment.  That night was a pretty low point.  I finally drifted off sometime around 7....and we were all awake by 8.


-Internal monologue:  I'm going to split up the drive back to Kansas, so instead of 11 hours of a hungover nightmare, I can leisurely drive to Minneapolis, watch the Selection Show, visit LZE and relax, then wake up the next morning and cruise the rest the way home.

What happened in reality:  Because it's the upper midwest and everything sucks, a blizzard was rapidly bearing down on Minneapolis Sunday night, so I had to make a snap decision to get back in my car at 11pm and pull an all-nighter to avoid the storm.  So I slept for 2-3 hours on Friday night, 1 hour on Saturday night (both due to the aforementioned snoring) drove 5 hours, chilled out and got an hour nap, then didn't go to bed again until 6 in the morning.  AWESOME.


-Internal monologue:  KU won't get matched up with a terrifying 8/9 matchup in their bracket again, right?

What happened in reality:  Yes.  Yes they will.  Even if you set aside all the "Once again, we have to play Roy Williams in the tournament" drama, North Carolina should've been a 6 seed at worst.  The last time KU caught a brutally under-seeded team in the second round, and made me punch some furniture as it was announced during the Selection Show, it was Northern Iowa in 2010.....and we all know how that turned out.  The committee loves two things:  to give KU a terrible 8/9 matchup when they're a 1 seed, and to give them the possibility of going up against Ol' Roy.


-Internal monologue:  Russell's daughter Sienna won't be a wild card when she's onstage at the wedding, will she?

What happened in reality:  She watched all the bridesmaids in front of her slightly hike up their dresses to go up the stairs, so she figured she would hike hers up to her chest.  When that got some laughs of encouragement from the crowd, you knew there was an encore performance coming, and it resulted in some of the best pictures of the whole day.  Congrats Russell & Angie!

Lousy Smarch Weddings

March weddings and I are not amigos.  Back in 2007, I missed the Final Four because of a wedding, and I still haven't completely gotten over it.  It's tough to fully commit to the Electric Slide mentally when you know that somewhere March Madness is going on, right that very moment, without you.

When Russell first told me his wedding date, the best I could do at pretending to be excited was to let out a "Say whaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?!?!"  I was pretty much inconsolable for a couple days, until I realized that March Madness was starting a bit late this year, and didn't officially begin until the following weekend, so it was only the conference tournaments that I would be missing.  I can live with that.  Russell is just lucky his wedding wasn't scheduled one week later, during the Big Dance (and I'm not talking about The Macarena).  Actually, I'm the lucky one, since I don't have to come up with an awkward excuse to skip his wedding that isn't "I'm going to be watching basketball for 12-13 hours a day, for four consecutive days, just like I've done basically every year for the last twenty-four years.....soooo I'm probably not gonna be able to make it.  You can find another groomsman, right?  Hey, by the way, congrats!"

So anyway, I'm headed up to northern Minnesota to celebrate the blessed union of Russell and Angie.  At least I won't be missing 75 degree weather in Kansas while I'm gone.  Oh wait.

(Seriously though, I am excited for this wedding.)

((Also seriously, though, if this wedding was happening during the NCAA tournament.....))

***************

You know it's officially March when Bill Self has been prominently involved in my dreams three out of the last four nights.  Don't worry, they weren't sex dreams (not that there's anything wrong with that).  We just enjoyed a nice round of golf at Ray Richard's in one of them, went off-roading in his Range Rover in another (that was by far the weirdest one) and argued over which movie was better, Aladdin or The Lion King (no, seriously, the Range Rover dream was weirder).  I definitely have too much basketball on the brain.  And maybe too many Disney movies, too.

"Aladdin?  Are you bullshitting me?  ALADDIN?  Bro, that's a musical.  Straight up.  The Lion King has songs, yeah, but they get you jacked up.  Tell me you can listen to 'The Circle of Life' and hear that last slam-the-door note, and you're not ready to punch through a fucking wall.  I play that song in the locker room before big games, dude.  True story.  Aladdin is for children.  You can still bring a girl home, put in Lion King, and without even trying that hard, you're gonna touch a boob at the very least.....Aladdin is for babysitting.  Aladdin is for calming the kids down and getting them to take a nap so you can put your feet up, throw in a rub, and change the channel to baseball or pro wrestling or the X Games or something.  Grow up, Peter Pan. Click your heels together three times and go home, Dorothy."

 

What's A "Conventional Oven" Anyway?

Product not intended for microwave preparation?!?  CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. 

Do you have any idea who you're talking to?  I'm the Rachael Fucking Ray of microwave preparation.  If you don't think I'm going to put these potato skins in the microwave on high power for 3 minutes, then rotate each skin roughly 45-60 degrees, put them back in for another 2:15, and proceed to enjoy the hell out of them....you are sorely mistaken.

No microwave preparation?  Child, please.  Tie your shoe.

Jersey Chasing

Well, Adidas did it again.  I didn't think it would ever get worse than the neon Baylor unis and infrared Louisville gear from last year, but they managed to top themselves.

These jerseys are an absolute abortion.  The good news is that Bill Self thinks so too, and we probably won't have to watch KU wear them for more than one game in the Big 12 tournament, and they will definitely be buried in the closet during the NCAA tournament. 

KU's jerseys under Adidas the last few years, while not awful, have definitely been definitely a step down from their old ones with Nike.  My all-time favorite KU jerseys were the ones worn from 2004-2005, and the ones right before them from 1998-2003 are a close second.  If we could maybe bring back that classic Kansas font or something, instead of wearing fucking Zubaz, that would be super.  Maybe I'm asking for too much here.

Snow Day Youtubin'

Lawrence got hit with a couple of "snowstorms" within the last week, and as a result, I had three full snow days, during which I pulled a Peter Gibbons and did nothing, all day long.  Snow Day #1 I had a pretty bad hanger, since the night before, we were out at a bar watching the KU game, planning on having a beer or two and calling it a night, but as soon as I heard work was cancelled, I stopped being polite and started getting real.  Predictably, I caught a cold soon after, so Snow Days #2 and #3 were spent milking said cold.  On the plus side, it gave me a chance to rip through the first season of Twin Peaks (I am a David Lynch fan.  I really am.  I celebrate his entire collection) and order season 2 on Amazon for $3.75-- dammit I love Amazon. 

It also provided ample time for one of my favorite random activities that I rarely get to do anymore: fire up the ol' youtube and fall through some rabbit holes.....




Can we all take a second to appreciate how awesome Shawn Kemp was back in the day, before he got fat and turned into a punchline for having like seven different baby mamas?  Just an unbelievable in-traffic dunker.  He was MADE for youtube.  Also, nobody will ever be as good at hanging and/or swinging on the rim as he was.  Nowadays, you get T'd up immediately for dangling half as long as the Reign Man did (no homo).




I had seen Encino Man once in my life:  right when it came out in '92, when I was 10 years old.  I didn't remember a whole bunch about it except for two things:  Pauly Shore said lots of Pauly Shore things, like "weezin' on my grindage" and calling old people "crusters"....and that the villain of the movie loved to yell "SHOOSH!" like it was his catchphrase or something.  So Teens and I watched it last week on the DVR.....and I was thoroughly entertained by the aforementioned villain.  His performance was an absolute tour de force.  He's a comedic genius.  What happened to that guy?  Why didn't he become famous?  Is he still alive now?  Can I hire him for parties and stuff?  I'll give him $75 bucks to come to my house, right now, and tell Teens to "SHOOSH!"

So anyway, go watch Encino Man.  It's better than you remember it, I promise.




Does anybody else remember this commercial?  We used to drive Senora Taylor INSANE singing this in Spanish class.  Between commercials like this, and Star Wars promos, and their insanely shitty yet addictive recipes, Taco Bell was really good at luring me through their doors when I was 15.  If Taco Bell was an online predator, it would've been a successful one.




Brought to me by DVJS.  Tears of laughter.  I know I worry about all the telltale signs that I'm getting older, but then I watch videos like this and die laughing, and I'm reminded that my youth isn't entirely gone.  Feels like yesterday that we were playing 'Supermarket Sweep', where we'd sprint around the store throwing things in the cart and yelling and carrying on, then ditching the cart in some aisle and quietly walking out the door.




Now don't get me wrong:  I love gangsta rap, and gangsta rap battles, with B-Rabbit and 8 Mile and his "Fuck Free World!  313!" and Tupac telling Biggie "That's why I fucked yo' bitch you fat mutha fucka" and all that.....but it's refreshing to hear the comparative wholesomeness of a party rap battle.  If I was black (I can only wish) I would have THRIVED in the late 80's-early 90's.  My favorite line:

"You issued the challenge, yeah you threw it up
Step to the stage- TOO LATE- I blew it up!"

OHHHHHH SNAPS.




It was fortuitous that I stumbled into this video when I did, since there has been such an uproar over Elijah Johnson's unnecessary dunk as time expired vs. Iowa St. the other night, putting a cap on his insane 39-point night, as well as one of the craziest games I've watched in my whole life (besides the obligatory social media uproar, he also received death threats and racial slurs, as well as he and the rest the team being pelted with debris while walking off the court).  Here's a video of the greatest and most beloved basketball player of all time, doing exactly the same thing during his North Carolina days-- from the looks of it, causing a bench-clearing brawl in the process.  These things happen in basketball from time to time, especially at the college level.  KU fans were just on the other end of this spectrum, when we watched Marcus Smart do a backflip on the court when Okie St. beat KU at the Phog a few weeks ago.  It was not a national tragedy.  It's going to be OK, Twitter.

I didn't want to end on a feisty note.  My bad.  Here's a video of goats that sound like humans:

You've Gotta Be KKKidding

You may have heard about this story by now.  This is the high school I graduated from.  Not cool.

Previously, on a national scale, the coolest random fact about RRHS was that Mac wore one of our t-shirts on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  Now we'll be known for a couple of idiots dressing up like friggin' Klan members.

I can remember back in the good ol' days, when I spent most of my high school career trying to BE black, when we willingly spent our free time on projects like this:

Anyway, back to the current controversy, questions abound:  Did these kids really know what they were doing?  Is it possible, MAYBE, that they don't know what those hoods represent?  Or did they just watch Django Unchained and saw this scene and thought that KKK hoods were fair game for jokes?  I have a hard time believing that any group of ordinary high school kids, anywhere, having knowledge of exactly what those hoods stand for, could think that this was anything other than the worst idea ever.  Emphasis on ordinary high school kids; I could possibly see something like this happening in Mississippi, or among a faction of Neo-Nazis-- but I've never seen a radical militant group that cared much about the state hockey tournament.

But however you slice it, there's no explanation that makes me feel good as a human being.  Either some extremely misguided assholes made an extremely misguided joke (in which case they should be expelled or get their asses kicked or both) or there are some extremely ignorant high school kids in North Dakota right now.  Either way, I'm not very proud to be a Red River High School alum today.

Metta World Drunk Dialer

Scene:  phone conversation between Easy E and myself, approx. 5pm last Friday:


Easy E:  I really need to get some background info on (slightly controversial topic X amongst our friend group) right now, so when I get all hammered at Bonspiel this weekend, I'm not texting and calling the wrong people trying to find out about it.

Me:  Yeah dude, I'm really glad I've never been a drunk dialer like you.

Easy E:  To be fair, I've been a LOT better these last couple years.

Me:  This is true, you're much better than a few years ago, when you'd have a few beers and immediately start scrolling through contacts and blowing everyone up.

Easy E:  I just never know if it's completely out of my system though, you know?  I'm like Ron Artest or something.

Me:  Exactly!  You might've changed your name to Metta World Peace....but nobody's going to ever forget that day that you charged into the stands and attacked fans.


Editor's note:  later that night, Easy E texted me at 4:15am, all casual, like we had been talking all night, like I hadn't already been asleep for four hours.  Looks like James Harden got in the way of Metta World Peace's elbow.

Blades Of Steel

True story:  I attended the University of North Dakota, one of the premiere collegiate hockey institutions in the country, for five years, and never once went to a game. 

When I was a youngster, from about '89 to '95, my family had season tickets, so I was a huge UND hockey fan.  Dixon Ward, Garry Valk, Brad Bombardir, Toby Kvalevog, Lannnnnn-donnnnnnnn Wilson! and especially Russ Romaniuk....those were my boys!  Then we stopped getting tickets, and you know how it is, you get older and discover girls and get a job and suddenly you don't have time to follow every sport as closely as when you're a kid, so I pretty much stopped being a fan of college hockey, and the NHL a few years later.  The rosters from Sega's NHL '94 have been frozen as the only relevant hockey rosters in my brain ever since. 

But when I found out UND was playing an outdoor game in the College World Series stadium a couple weekends ago, I was intrigued. 

Mostly, it was an excuse to go to Omaha, since Gangel and I hadn't seen each other for seven months, when we normally try not to go longer than three months in between visits.  Then I found out that Schne, Katie, Kevin, Tom and others were coming down for the game, and it became a slam dunk.  I love combining friend groups.  Let's watch some outdoor hockey!  Wait, there's going to be a tailgate, right?  A couple highlights:

- For the second time in my life, an already planned celebration got spiced up by an engagement.  A few years ago, we went on a "ski trip" in Colorado (by ski trip, I mean everyone else goes skiing while Sarunas and I booze in the ski lodge) and Alfonso proposed to Katie on the mountain, and we celebrated by drinking 40s deep into the night.  This time, Schne proposed to Katie (I have too many friends named Katie, so this one now becomes Katie Schne for purposes of the blog) and we celebrated by getting housed for 23 of the next 29 hours.  Heyyyyy, congrats!

- A CWS staple of ours while tailgating is that every time you grab a beer out of the cooler, you have to name a '90s NBA All-Star.  "Lemme grab one of those Derrick Colemans"...."Hey, throw me a Tim Hardaway!"  etc. etc.  You have to spice up all-day boozefests somehow, and if absolutely nothing else, it leads to awesome conversations like "There's no way Hersey Hawkins was ever an All-Star"..."I'm telling you, he was good back in the day"...."Google it!"....."Oh snaps!  He had one All-Star appearance, in 1990!  Schne's beer is allowed!"  A surprisingly fun game.

Anyway, we changed it up this year, and we had to name WWF wrestlers from before the year 2000.  It more or less excludes the girls (they don't know much about wrestling, and they only have a brain 1/3 the size of ours....it's science)-- but anytime you can talk wrestling for hours, and get into arguments about the original members of the Four Horsemen....you know it's been a good day.

- I call very few people by their name in real life.  Everyone has a nickname, and ipso facto, virtually every name in my phone is a nickname.  So it bothered me that my buddy Tom was simply 'Tom' in my contact list, but I had no other nickname for him.  On Friday night, he told me a story about one of his friends getting shitfaced, then changing every contact in his phone into a professional wrestler (so brilliant that I'm mad I didn't think of it myself.)  So his buddy wakes up the next morning, and while going through his phone, doing the 'what the hell did I do last night?' routine, he realizes that everybody he knows is now named after a wrestler, which means he couldn't tell who was who, and thus had to get everyone's numbers again.  I took great delight in that story, and decided to change Tom's name to Razor Ramon in my phone that very moment. 

Fast forward to the next afternoon, when I was frantically trying to get a hold of Tom (who works in sports media, and with rumors swirling about the game being delayed, had the inside scoop) and I couldn't find him anywhere in my phone....until, of course, I finally stumble across the name Razor Ramon. 

There's something poetic about falling into the same trap that inspired you in the first place.  Now at least I remember the connection, and Tom has himself a nickname in my phone.

- Kevin and I started a joke about swapping girls for the weekend, him getting Teens and a lottery-protected draft pick, and me getting his ladyfriend Kayla and expiring contracts.  I shouldn't even bring it up, since most of the jokes are horribly inappropriate, and I'm not going to repeat them, even in this blog....just know that I haven't laughed that hard, that much, in quite some time.  Things got weird.

- As for the actual hockey game...meh.  By that point, I was freezing and double-fisting beers with hot chocolate, Gangel was puking in the stadium and taking naps on Nicole's shoulder during intermission, and the Omaha fans celebrate with cowbells, usually right in your eardrums.  At that point, I was ready to get back to a bar, enjoy a few Gary Paytons, and call it good.  I'll check back in another 18 years, college hockey.  Sioux Yeah Yeahhhhhhh!


- MyShawn's comment about the photo below, which we gave him crap for, but was entirely accurate (paraphrased):  "Look at Jum trying to look gangsta at the whitest event in history!"

What can I say?  I can't stop looking HARD, just because hockey is involved.

(Also, I enjoy that it's fuzzy, since it's an accurate representation of how I felt at that particular moment.)

Addy, Lindsey, MyShawn, Nicole, Gangel, Teens, me.  Let's run it back in June at the CWS.  I'll bring the Mookie Blaylocks.

....And There's A Picture Of A Train On It

I'm taking time out from this hellish week-- during which I've been feeling: exhausted; over-worked; elated at KU righting the ship by beating the hell out of K-State (I hope Wildcats fans enjoyed that 48 hours there when they had control of the Big 12 Conference- they certianly got their fill of shit-talking in); probably still a little bit hungover from last weekend's drinking marathon, if I'm being completely honest with myself; and mildly confused as to why the Atlanta Braves' over/under on wins next season is only 86 (that's free money on the over, right???)-- in order to bring you the latest installment in the ongoing series "Holy shit, I'm getting old."

I was fortunate enough this morning to receive this valentine via email from my dear friend Easy E....

....and so my office mates and I shared a good chuckle about that classic valentine from Lisa Simpson to Ralph Wiggum, and how awesome The Simpsons used to be back in the day, etc. etc.  All of us, that is, except for our student worker, a junior here at KU.  She failed to recognize the reference.....because she was LESS THAN ONE YEAR OLD WHEN THAT EPISODE CAME OUT.  Game over.  I....I mean....just game over.





I don't know how you grow up to be a fully-functioning human being with a top-notch sense of humor without growing up on the golden era of The Simpsons....but I guess we're going to find out with these next couple of generations.  I'm not holding my breath.

Also, I'm about two years away from posting up on my front porch with a cooler of PBR, Clint Eastwood-in-Gran Torino-style, just housing beers all day, pointing imaginary guns at passerby and grumbling about those damn kids and their Angry Birds and Taylor Swift and vampires and what the fuck is dubstep?

***************

UPDATED:  A few people have given me crap that I got a valentine from Easy E.  I have two responses:  1.  That's just jealousy talking, and 2. That's not the only valentine I received from a dude, so if you're not getting valentines from someone besides your significant other, you should get some better friends.  If you're not sending funny valentines to your bros, then you're doing it wrong.

I also received the follow-up question:  well then, what kind of valentine did you give Teens?  I will tell you.  I put together a sweet little hand-made number with a big picture of Sly & the Family Stone, and wrote down:

Thank you
Fa' lettin' me
Be yo' valentine
AGAIN!

If you google 'luckiest gal on Earth', you may just find a wikipedia entry for Teens as the first result.

Now THIS Is A Trick Shot Video

I am so over trick shot videos.  They've all been done before, in all different styles.  When they first became popular, they were a ton of fun to watch.  Sign me up.  Gimme the link.  I'll watch all of them.  If you can mix in some bad 80's music and poke fun at yourself like Mark Titus' classic video, even better.  Also, back in our old apartment complex from when we first moved to Lawrence, DVJS, James and I once spent a couple of hours launching shots from third-story balconies onto the basketball hoops below us (3rd Story Glory!) and that was a lot of fun.  A quite enjoyable afternoon, I must say.





But after dozens and dozens of videos, I had about seen it all.  Don't link me to another trick shot video, dude.  I don't care.  I don't care that this guy got Oklahoma's starting QB to throw in some full court shots with a football.  I don't care that a rugby player is getting a tryout to be the New York Jets' kicker after he posted his video. I especially don't care that Kyle Singler put together his own lame trick shot video, that guy sucks.  I don't care, I don't care, I don't care.

HOWEVER.  This video is awesome.  And, as surely as I type this today, it's going to launch a massive wave of trick shot videos from toddlers all over the world, none of which are as good as the original, and in another six months, I'll probably be blogging about how annoying these little kid videos are, and how people have enough ways to brag about their kids without flooding the youtube trick shot video market.  But I'm not so cold-hearted that I can't enjoy the hell out of this today.  Hopefully you can too.

Giving Props To Props

It's everybody's favorite time of year:  Super Bowl prop bets!  And this year, after going 8-2 against the spread through the first three rounds of the NFL playoffs (my best postseason ever, since records started being kept in 1991) I have more money than usual to completely throw away on dumb bets. 

One of my favorite scenes in Heat is when De Niro gathers his crew together and asks them, one by one, if they want to continue with their planned heist, even though they're well aware that they're all over the radar of Pacino and his detectives.  They all say yes, and Tom Sizemore's answer is the best:  "Well, ya know, to me....the action IS the juice.  I'm in."  Just perfectly said.  When it comes to Super Bowl bets, I could really care less whether I win or lose.  The money is irrelevant.  The action IS the juice.

On to the bets:

Little known fact #1: I hate Beyonce.  She's annoying, I don't think she's good looking, and she almost single-handedly destroyed the third Austin Powers movie with all her "I'm Foxy Cleopatra, look how sassy I am" nonsense. 

Little known fact #2:  I LOVE me some Alicia Keys.  In fact, I'd put her at the top of my my knee-jerk top 5 Hottest Black Women list, which looks like this:

1.  A. Keys
2.  Stacey Dash
3.  TIE:  Halle Berry/Scary Spice circa 1997
4.  The chick working the 2am shift at Olympic Gardens on New Year's Eve 2006-2007
5.  Michelle Obama (POWER IS SEXY, BRO)

So anyway, it's interesting that they're paired together for this Super Bowl, A.Keys singing the National Anthem, Beyonce ruining the halftime show. 

I will be taking the under for Keys' National Anthem at 2 minutes, 5 seconds.  I'm taking the under on the Anthem for the first time in my life.  I don't really feel good about it.  Don't let me down, baby boo.

I'll be betting that Jay-Z comes out for a guest appearance at some point during halftime, because a)  he's the only thing that could possibly salvage this godforsaken halftime show, and b)  because it will be a tremendous amount of fun to celebrate the winning of that bet, should it come to pass.  Something like jumping out of my seat and yelling "You crazy for this one, Rick!  It's yo' boy!  HOV!" and doing a leaping shoulder bump with JDub, lighting a 20 dollar bill on fire, then using the burning 20-scrill to light a cigar.

I'm betting that Beyonce has her hair crimped, as opposed to straight.  Why not.  You can come out with it on fire for all I care, Bey'.  As much as I love the song "99 Problems", Jay-Z was sorely mistaken.  I'd say that of his 99 problems, a bitch is at least 51.

I'm taking Jason Dufner's 4th round score at the Waste Management Open -5.5 over Anquan Boldin's receiving yards.  I can just picture me and Duf hanging out now, and his reaction after I tell him about that bet.  He casually raises an eyebrow at me from behind the wheel of his '97 Jeep Wrangler (Duf always insists on driving when we hang out together), spits a long shot of Cope into his empty Keystone Light can, turns down the volume on his Lynyrd Skynyrd greatest hits CD, and tells me "That was a dumb bet, dude.  I'm going LOW on Sunday." 

As you can see, my man-crush on Dufner is reaching epic proportions.  I'm officially wandering into Single White Female territory here.

"But you're forgetting the funniest part of that scene!  After Kilmer and Sizemore give these long, thought-out, serious answers, De Niro asks Trejo what he thinks, and he answers in less than a second, 'Yeah, sure.  Let's do it.'  Fuckin' classic Trejo right there.  Hey, pass me the Cope, I'm gonna throw in a rub quick."



The Ravens will use a coaches' challenge first.  Both Harbaughs aren't afraid to throw a challenge or two, so it's gonna happen at some point for both teams.

The opening kickoff of the game will NOT result in a touchback.  This is a perfect example of a Tom Sizemore bet for me.  Yeah, there's not much chance of an actual kick return here.  Factoring in that they moved the kickoff yard line up last year, the game is being played in a dome, and the kicker's adrenaline of the opening friggin' kickoff of the Super Bowl will be through the roof, this will probably end up being booted through the back of the end zone.  But what fun is it to bet on that?  It's way more fun to watch the return man take those first couple of steps and realize he's going to take it out from seven yards deep in the end zone.  The action IS the juice.

No team will score in last two minutes of first half.  Couldn't turn down 3-1 odds on this one.

Lionel Messi will score more goals than Frank Gore has touchdowns.  I cashed this bet last year when Wayne Rooney got liquid twice and Brandon Jacobs got shut out of the end zone.  Let the soccer player vs. running back bets ride, son.  LET THEM RIDE.

Will both teams have a field goal over 33 yards?  No.  If there's one thing about this game that is crystal clear right now, it is that David Akers is absolutely TERRIFIED to attempt a field goal right now.

The first TD of the game will be scored by Randy Moss.  If you're not going to take a longshot here (Moss is 18-1) then why are you betting on this prop?   Grow up Peter Pan, Count Chocula.

Chris Bosh's points scored ends up being more than the largest lead of the Super Bowl for either team.  I think this game stays relatively close the whole way, so as long as Bosh puts up 15 or so, should be easy money, right?  Here is my annual "There's No Way This Cross-Sport Bet Can Possibly Lose, So Naturally, There's No Way This Bet Can Possibly Win" bet.  Every year, there is one cross-sport bet that looks too good to be true, and it usually isn't.  There's a lesson here somewhere, but I am firmly committed to never, ever, ever learning it.


Everybody have fun and be safe during your Super Bowl parties, and remember kids,

It's only a gambling "problem" if you're losing.