Elliott Here, I'm Ready To Play!

I can't pretend that my mind isn't anywhere besides the tip-off at 6:37 tomorrow evening, so I'm not going to try to blog otherwise.  I hate the four days in-between the Round of 32 and the Sweet 16, when all you can do is freak out about the upcoming matchup, but yet you're expected to go to work and be a functioning member of society?  It's bogus.  I'm sitting here on my lunch break watching last year's KU/Carolina Elite 8 game on youtube for good luck, and getting ripped on by the ladies in the office.  What do you want from me.

I've been wondering if KU's game vs. Michigan isn't a little bit of "Be careful what you wish for."  Before the tournament, I was deathly afraid of what VCU's press could do to KU.  As a result, I was a huuuuge Michigan fan while I was watching their second-round matchup.  But then as the game went on, and the Wolverines kept on absolutely drilling VCU, I was starting to wonder how badly I should want KU to play them.  This is, after all, a Michigan team that was ranked in the top 5 most of the season, and only a couple of really tough Big 10 losses at the end of the year dropped them to a #4 seed.  So now, predictably, I'm scared to play Michigan.  I don't know, maybe I should just quit thinking I'm going to be anything but terrified this time of year.  KU could win the title five years in a row, winning every game by a 20-point margin, and I'd still sit here going "I dunno, KU usually struggles in dome games, plus I don't think the style that Central Connecticut State plays is a great match-up for KU.  We could have a battle on our hands."

Whatever.  It's March.

Also, my gambling tip of the day:  remember to bet on Arizona, they're covering like gangbusters lately, and even when they don't cover, it's worth it just to spend 2 hours yelling "W!  I!  L!  D!   CATS!....W!  I!  L!  D!   WILDCATS!"  You can't put a price on that type of fun.

My Bracket Thoughts In Nine Minutes Or Less

Had to fire this off quick, just to go on the record:


TEAMS I LIKE LESS THAN MOST PEOPLE:

Louisville- I like their defensive ability, and it's easy to look good running a suffocating full-court press when they're up 20, but I don't like how many close games they blew in the regular season.  Who takes their last shot?  Their lack of poise will come back to haunt them somewhere before the Final Four.  (Important disclaimer:  I hope I'm wrong on the 'Ville.  Due to preseason bets and things of that nature, I stand to make some money if Louisville goes all the way.)

New Mexico- It never works out well for Mountain West teams that receive surprisingly high seeds.  Plus no team with Hermes the Elf Dentist running the point is going far in the NCAA tournament.

SYRACUSE- They're ripe for an upset.  Montana shoots the three ball well (which is bad news for 'Cuse's 2-3 zone), and Jim Boeheim might as well be a library book, he's so checked out right now.

KU- We'll cover this later.


TEAMS I LIKE MORE THAN MOST PEOPLE:

UNLV- They underachieved all year, but they've got some studs and can score with anyone.  They can't play defense, but that isn't a big a concern with their matchups.  I've got them going to the Sweet 16 and losing to Indiana in a shootout.

Davidson- They've won 17 in a row, and are definitely under-seeded as a 14.  Heads up, Marquette. 

Arizona- Too many people are ignoring how well they played early on in the year.  Their guard play is outstanding, which is always a key in March.


UPSETS I ALMOST PICKED BUT COULDN'T PULL THE TRIGGER:

Pittsburgh over Gonzaga, North Carolina over KU, St. Louis over Louisville, Arizona over Ohio St., Oregon over Oklahoma St.


UPSETS I DID PICK:

Montana over Syracuse, Davidson over Marquette, VCU over KU, Wisconsin over Gonzaga (What?  Wisconsin?)


PICKS I CAN'T BELIEVE I MADE

Anything involving Wisconsin.  I've made plenty of money over the years betting against them in the tournament; for some reason I feel different about them this year.  Let's hope it doesn't turn out like the Super Bowl National Anthem, where I bet the under for the first time in my whole life, and then the over got crushed by an entire minute.


THIS TEAM'S BEST IS BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE'S BEST:

I like figuring out this team somewhere during the season; it's incredibly helpful for gambling purposes.  Last year it was Kentucky, the year before it was KU, the year before that, Syracuse.  This year, it's Indiana.  It doesn't necessarily mean they'll win it all, but if they play their perfect game, it doesn't matter what the other team does-- it won't be enough.


THE PART WHERE I TALK ABOUT KU:

So you may have noticed that I picked KU to lose to VCU.  I don't have a lot of confidence of KU coming out of their region.  If they were in the West, I'd probably pick them to go Final Four, but that South region has too many minefields.  Carolina, VCU, Michigan, Florida, Georgetown....yikes.  I started out the year thinking the season would be a success if KU made the Sweet 16.  Then they started rolling solid teams by 30 and 40 points in December, then won at Ohio St., then started off the Big 12 7-0, and the ceiling was removed.  It could be a championship year.  But then came the three-game losing streak, including the disastrous TCU game, and I saw what the Jayhawk's basement was.  And it ain't pretty.  They righted the ship, and looked impressive in the Big 12 tournament....but I can't erase how badly they bottomed out.  I can't watch a team play that bad and pick them go to Atlanta coming out of that tough of a region.  Plus VCU's havoc defense is not a good set-up for KU and their spotty point guard play, not to mention all the residual feelings from the 2011 Elite 8 game.  Is it weird that I'm more scared of VCU than I would be against Duke, or Gonzaga, or Miami, or any number of high seeds?  I wouldn't be shocked if  KU makes it to the Final Four, but I'd be pleasantly surprised.  I never expected this year's team to be a 1 seed (again).  Either way, it's already been an incredibly fun year.  I've thoroughly enjoyed this year's squad.


MY ELITE 8:

Louisville vs. Duke, Wisconsin vs. Ohio St. (I haven't even finished typing this sentence and I already regret that pick), VCU vs. Florida, Indiana vs. Miami.

MY FINAL 4:

Duke, Ohio St., Florida, Indiana

MY CHAMPION:

Indiana over Duke


Enjoy the best weekend of the year and Rock Chalk.

The Best Laid Plans....

Everyone knows that things rarely go as planned.  But last weekend, while up in Grand Forks and Thief River Falls for Russell's wedding, was a prime example of NOTHING going as I had it worked out in my head.  For example:

-Internal monologue:  Hey, there's a big screen TV not being used on that wall in the bar, I can watch the KU game tonight after all!  It's not like there's a UND hockey game starting in half an hour, and it's not like as soon as people realize the TV is turned on, they'll immediately go request that we watch the UND hockey game instead, and even though they wouldn't have known to ask about the TV without me, I'll have absolutely no recourse, because I'll be outvoted 20-1?  That would be rude, right?  Right?!?!

What happened in reality:  NOW I remember why I moved to Kansas in the first place.


-Internal monologue:  Mixing cheap whiskey with room-temperature orange powerade could taste OK....I'mma go ahead and mix up a few of them and pass them around the table, this will be sweet!

What happened in reality:  About what you'd think would happen when you mix those two together.


-Internal monologue:  Hey, if we start taking groomsman pictures in the morning, and the photgrapher asks us to crack some beers and pretend like we're shooting pool....after we finish up, and we're waiting for the girls to finish getting ready before the real wedding party photo session, we'll be responsible enough to just sit and wait patiently, right?  We're grown-ass men.

What happened in reality:  The one beer we were supposed to drink for the photos turned into us going back to our rooms and grabbing a case, sitting around a poolside table in the hotel, and busting out a bunch of quarters and playing a drinking game.  It took much longer than expected for the girls to be ready, so by the time we were ready to leave to go take our actual photos, most of us were half in the bag.  I'm sure my smile looks ridiculous in our pictures, because my #1 priority was to not pee my pants, since I had already broken the seal before we started, and I had to pee every 18 minutes or so-- we call that the Noland Plan.  (My #2 priority during pictures was to avoid frostbite, since it was 0 degrees and windy outside.  This won't be the last time I say this in this post:  the upper midwest sucks.)


-Internal monologue:  Any minute now, everybody in this god-forsaken hotel room will stop snoring, and I'll actually fall asleep.

What happened in reality:  Maybe the worst night of my life?  I officially laid my head down and tried to start sleeping at 3am.  Easy E, who knows he has a snoring problem, was considerate enough to stay awake for an extra half an hour, to give all of us a chance to pass out before he starting cutting wood (he made it 15 minutes before passing out, sitting upright and watching SportsCenter with a beer in his hand).  And that plan was a success...for everyone except for me.  For awhile, I could've sworn everyone was fucking with me.  As soon as Easy E would stop snoring, Fundy would start.  Then he'd drift off, right as Katie was firing up her chainsaw.  And it would just rotate around and around.  Sometimes there were multiple people snoring at once, but never was it completely silent for more than 30 seconds.  And during every one of those 30-second windows, I would get my hopes up that everyone was really done for awhile, and I'd be able to fall asleep.  As the hours ticked by, and 4am became 5am became 6am, I gradually lost hope.  I wish that there would've been a Paranormal Activity-style camera set up in our room, because it would've been entertaining to watch me all night.  I alternated between rolling over and punching Fundy in the arm, to stretching to the other bed to shake the shit out of Easy E, to walking over to the cot and gently moving Alfsonso and Katie (I couldn't hit a girl) to walking around the room looking like this....

....to opening up the fridge and debating whether or not to just say fuck it and crack a beer, to just sitting upright in bed, staring at nothing, thinking about how much I hated my life at that particular moment.  That night was a pretty low point.  I finally drifted off sometime around 7....and we were all awake by 8.


-Internal monologue:  I'm going to split up the drive back to Kansas, so instead of 11 hours of a hungover nightmare, I can leisurely drive to Minneapolis, watch the Selection Show, visit LZE and relax, then wake up the next morning and cruise the rest the way home.

What happened in reality:  Because it's the upper midwest and everything sucks, a blizzard was rapidly bearing down on Minneapolis Sunday night, so I had to make a snap decision to get back in my car at 11pm and pull an all-nighter to avoid the storm.  So I slept for 2-3 hours on Friday night, 1 hour on Saturday night (both due to the aforementioned snoring) drove 5 hours, chilled out and got an hour nap, then didn't go to bed again until 6 in the morning.  AWESOME.


-Internal monologue:  KU won't get matched up with a terrifying 8/9 matchup in their bracket again, right?

What happened in reality:  Yes.  Yes they will.  Even if you set aside all the "Once again, we have to play Roy Williams in the tournament" drama, North Carolina should've been a 6 seed at worst.  The last time KU caught a brutally under-seeded team in the second round, and made me punch some furniture as it was announced during the Selection Show, it was Northern Iowa in 2010.....and we all know how that turned out.  The committee loves two things:  to give KU a terrible 8/9 matchup when they're a 1 seed, and to give them the possibility of going up against Ol' Roy.


-Internal monologue:  Russell's daughter Sienna won't be a wild card when she's onstage at the wedding, will she?

What happened in reality:  She watched all the bridesmaids in front of her slightly hike up their dresses to go up the stairs, so she figured she would hike hers up to her chest.  When that got some laughs of encouragement from the crowd, you knew there was an encore performance coming, and it resulted in some of the best pictures of the whole day.  Congrats Russell & Angie!

Lousy Smarch Weddings

March weddings and I are not amigos.  Back in 2007, I missed the Final Four because of a wedding, and I still haven't completely gotten over it.  It's tough to fully commit to the Electric Slide mentally when you know that somewhere March Madness is going on, right that very moment, without you.

When Russell first told me his wedding date, the best I could do at pretending to be excited was to let out a "Say whaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?!?!"  I was pretty much inconsolable for a couple days, until I realized that March Madness was starting a bit late this year, and didn't officially begin until the following weekend, so it was only the conference tournaments that I would be missing.  I can live with that.  Russell is just lucky his wedding wasn't scheduled one week later, during the Big Dance (and I'm not talking about The Macarena).  Actually, I'm the lucky one, since I don't have to come up with an awkward excuse to skip his wedding that isn't "I'm going to be watching basketball for 12-13 hours a day, for four consecutive days, just like I've done basically every year for the last twenty-four years.....soooo I'm probably not gonna be able to make it.  You can find another groomsman, right?  Hey, by the way, congrats!"

So anyway, I'm headed up to northern Minnesota to celebrate the blessed union of Russell and Angie.  At least I won't be missing 75 degree weather in Kansas while I'm gone.  Oh wait.

(Seriously though, I am excited for this wedding.)

((Also seriously, though, if this wedding was happening during the NCAA tournament.....))

***************

You know it's officially March when Bill Self has been prominently involved in my dreams three out of the last four nights.  Don't worry, they weren't sex dreams (not that there's anything wrong with that).  We just enjoyed a nice round of golf at Ray Richard's in one of them, went off-roading in his Range Rover in another (that was by far the weirdest one) and argued over which movie was better, Aladdin or The Lion King (no, seriously, the Range Rover dream was weirder).  I definitely have too much basketball on the brain.  And maybe too many Disney movies, too.

"Aladdin?  Are you bullshitting me?  ALADDIN?  Bro, that's a musical.  Straight up.  The Lion King has songs, yeah, but they get you jacked up.  Tell me you can listen to 'The Circle of Life' and hear that last slam-the-door note, and you're not ready to punch through a fucking wall.  I play that song in the locker room before big games, dude.  True story.  Aladdin is for children.  You can still bring a girl home, put in Lion King, and without even trying that hard, you're gonna touch a boob at the very least.....Aladdin is for babysitting.  Aladdin is for calming the kids down and getting them to take a nap so you can put your feet up, throw in a rub, and change the channel to baseball or pro wrestling or the X Games or something.  Grow up, Peter Pan. Click your heels together three times and go home, Dorothy."

 

What's A "Conventional Oven" Anyway?

Product not intended for microwave preparation?!?  CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. 

Do you have any idea who you're talking to?  I'm the Rachael Fucking Ray of microwave preparation.  If you don't think I'm going to put these potato skins in the microwave on high power for 3 minutes, then rotate each skin roughly 45-60 degrees, put them back in for another 2:15, and proceed to enjoy the hell out of them....you are sorely mistaken.

No microwave preparation?  Child, please.  Tie your shoe.

Jersey Chasing

Well, Adidas did it again.  I didn't think it would ever get worse than the neon Baylor unis and infrared Louisville gear from last year, but they managed to top themselves.

These jerseys are an absolute abortion.  The good news is that Bill Self thinks so too, and we probably won't have to watch KU wear them for more than one game in the Big 12 tournament, and they will definitely be buried in the closet during the NCAA tournament. 

KU's jerseys under Adidas the last few years, while not awful, have definitely been definitely a step down from their old ones with Nike.  My all-time favorite KU jerseys were the ones worn from 2004-2005, and the ones right before them from 1998-2003 are a close second.  If we could maybe bring back that classic Kansas font or something, instead of wearing fucking Zubaz, that would be super.  Maybe I'm asking for too much here.

Snow Day Youtubin'

Lawrence got hit with a couple of "snowstorms" within the last week, and as a result, I had three full snow days, during which I pulled a Peter Gibbons and did nothing, all day long.  Snow Day #1 I had a pretty bad hanger, since the night before, we were out at a bar watching the KU game, planning on having a beer or two and calling it a night, but as soon as I heard work was cancelled, I stopped being polite and started getting real.  Predictably, I caught a cold soon after, so Snow Days #2 and #3 were spent milking said cold.  On the plus side, it gave me a chance to rip through the first season of Twin Peaks (I am a David Lynch fan.  I really am.  I celebrate his entire collection) and order season 2 on Amazon for $3.75-- dammit I love Amazon. 

It also provided ample time for one of my favorite random activities that I rarely get to do anymore: fire up the ol' youtube and fall through some rabbit holes.....




Can we all take a second to appreciate how awesome Shawn Kemp was back in the day, before he got fat and turned into a punchline for having like seven different baby mamas?  Just an unbelievable in-traffic dunker.  He was MADE for youtube.  Also, nobody will ever be as good at hanging and/or swinging on the rim as he was.  Nowadays, you get T'd up immediately for dangling half as long as the Reign Man did (no homo).




I had seen Encino Man once in my life:  right when it came out in '92, when I was 10 years old.  I didn't remember a whole bunch about it except for two things:  Pauly Shore said lots of Pauly Shore things, like "weezin' on my grindage" and calling old people "crusters"....and that the villain of the movie loved to yell "SHOOSH!" like it was his catchphrase or something.  So Teens and I watched it last week on the DVR.....and I was thoroughly entertained by the aforementioned villain.  His performance was an absolute tour de force.  He's a comedic genius.  What happened to that guy?  Why didn't he become famous?  Is he still alive now?  Can I hire him for parties and stuff?  I'll give him $75 bucks to come to my house, right now, and tell Teens to "SHOOSH!"

So anyway, go watch Encino Man.  It's better than you remember it, I promise.




Does anybody else remember this commercial?  We used to drive Senora Taylor INSANE singing this in Spanish class.  Between commercials like this, and Star Wars promos, and their insanely shitty yet addictive recipes, Taco Bell was really good at luring me through their doors when I was 15.  If Taco Bell was an online predator, it would've been a successful one.




Brought to me by DVJS.  Tears of laughter.  I know I worry about all the telltale signs that I'm getting older, but then I watch videos like this and die laughing, and I'm reminded that my youth isn't entirely gone.  Feels like yesterday that we were playing 'Supermarket Sweep', where we'd sprint around the store throwing things in the cart and yelling and carrying on, then ditching the cart in some aisle and quietly walking out the door.




Now don't get me wrong:  I love gangsta rap, and gangsta rap battles, with B-Rabbit and 8 Mile and his "Fuck Free World!  313!" and Tupac telling Biggie "That's why I fucked yo' bitch you fat mutha fucka" and all that.....but it's refreshing to hear the comparative wholesomeness of a party rap battle.  If I was black (I can only wish) I would have THRIVED in the late 80's-early 90's.  My favorite line:

"You issued the challenge, yeah you threw it up
Step to the stage- TOO LATE- I blew it up!"

OHHHHHH SNAPS.




It was fortuitous that I stumbled into this video when I did, since there has been such an uproar over Elijah Johnson's unnecessary dunk as time expired vs. Iowa St. the other night, putting a cap on his insane 39-point night, as well as one of the craziest games I've watched in my whole life (besides the obligatory social media uproar, he also received death threats and racial slurs, as well as he and the rest the team being pelted with debris while walking off the court).  Here's a video of the greatest and most beloved basketball player of all time, doing exactly the same thing during his North Carolina days-- from the looks of it, causing a bench-clearing brawl in the process.  These things happen in basketball from time to time, especially at the college level.  KU fans were just on the other end of this spectrum, when we watched Marcus Smart do a backflip on the court when Okie St. beat KU at the Phog a few weeks ago.  It was not a national tragedy.  It's going to be OK, Twitter.

I didn't want to end on a feisty note.  My bad.  Here's a video of goats that sound like humans:

You've Gotta Be KKKidding

You may have heard about this story by now.  This is the high school I graduated from.  Not cool.

Previously, on a national scale, the coolest random fact about RRHS was that Mac wore one of our t-shirts on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  Now we'll be known for a couple of idiots dressing up like friggin' Klan members.

I can remember back in the good ol' days, when I spent most of my high school career trying to BE black, when we willingly spent our free time on projects like this:

Anyway, back to the current controversy, questions abound:  Did these kids really know what they were doing?  Is it possible, MAYBE, that they don't know what those hoods represent?  Or did they just watch Django Unchained and saw this scene and thought that KKK hoods were fair game for jokes?  I have a hard time believing that any group of ordinary high school kids, anywhere, having knowledge of exactly what those hoods stand for, could think that this was anything other than the worst idea ever.  Emphasis on ordinary high school kids; I could possibly see something like this happening in Mississippi, or among a faction of Neo-Nazis-- but I've never seen a radical militant group that cared much about the state hockey tournament.

But however you slice it, there's no explanation that makes me feel good as a human being.  Either some extremely misguided assholes made an extremely misguided joke (in which case they should be expelled or get their asses kicked or both) or there are some extremely ignorant high school kids in North Dakota right now.  Either way, I'm not very proud to be a Red River High School alum today.

Metta World Drunk Dialer

Scene:  phone conversation between Easy E and myself, approx. 5pm last Friday:


Easy E:  I really need to get some background info on (slightly controversial topic X amongst our friend group) right now, so when I get all hammered at Bonspiel this weekend, I'm not texting and calling the wrong people trying to find out about it.

Me:  Yeah dude, I'm really glad I've never been a drunk dialer like you.

Easy E:  To be fair, I've been a LOT better these last couple years.

Me:  This is true, you're much better than a few years ago, when you'd have a few beers and immediately start scrolling through contacts and blowing everyone up.

Easy E:  I just never know if it's completely out of my system though, you know?  I'm like Ron Artest or something.

Me:  Exactly!  You might've changed your name to Metta World Peace....but nobody's going to ever forget that day that you charged into the stands and attacked fans.


Editor's note:  later that night, Easy E texted me at 4:15am, all casual, like we had been talking all night, like I hadn't already been asleep for four hours.  Looks like James Harden got in the way of Metta World Peace's elbow.

Blades Of Steel

True story:  I attended the University of North Dakota, one of the premiere collegiate hockey institutions in the country, for five years, and never once went to a game. 

When I was a youngster, from about '89 to '95, my family had season tickets, so I was a huge UND hockey fan.  Dixon Ward, Garry Valk, Brad Bombardir, Toby Kvalevog, Lannnnnn-donnnnnnnn Wilson! and especially Russ Romaniuk....those were my boys!  Then we stopped getting tickets, and you know how it is, you get older and discover girls and get a job and suddenly you don't have time to follow every sport as closely as when you're a kid, so I pretty much stopped being a fan of college hockey, and the NHL a few years later.  The rosters from Sega's NHL '94 have been frozen as the only relevant hockey rosters in my brain ever since. 

But when I found out UND was playing an outdoor game in the College World Series stadium a couple weekends ago, I was intrigued. 

Mostly, it was an excuse to go to Omaha, since Gangel and I hadn't seen each other for seven months, when we normally try not to go longer than three months in between visits.  Then I found out that Schne, Katie, Kevin, Tom and others were coming down for the game, and it became a slam dunk.  I love combining friend groups.  Let's watch some outdoor hockey!  Wait, there's going to be a tailgate, right?  A couple highlights:

- For the second time in my life, an already planned celebration got spiced up by an engagement.  A few years ago, we went on a "ski trip" in Colorado (by ski trip, I mean everyone else goes skiing while Sarunas and I booze in the ski lodge) and Alfonso proposed to Katie on the mountain, and we celebrated by drinking 40s deep into the night.  This time, Schne proposed to Katie (I have too many friends named Katie, so this one now becomes Katie Schne for purposes of the blog) and we celebrated by getting housed for 23 of the next 29 hours.  Heyyyyy, congrats!

- A CWS staple of ours while tailgating is that every time you grab a beer out of the cooler, you have to name a '90s NBA All-Star.  "Lemme grab one of those Derrick Colemans"...."Hey, throw me a Tim Hardaway!"  etc. etc.  You have to spice up all-day boozefests somehow, and if absolutely nothing else, it leads to awesome conversations like "There's no way Hersey Hawkins was ever an All-Star"..."I'm telling you, he was good back in the day"...."Google it!"....."Oh snaps!  He had one All-Star appearance, in 1990!  Schne's beer is allowed!"  A surprisingly fun game.

Anyway, we changed it up this year, and we had to name WWF wrestlers from before the year 2000.  It more or less excludes the girls (they don't know much about wrestling, and they only have a brain 1/3 the size of ours....it's science)-- but anytime you can talk wrestling for hours, and get into arguments about the original members of the Four Horsemen....you know it's been a good day.

- I call very few people by their name in real life.  Everyone has a nickname, and ipso facto, virtually every name in my phone is a nickname.  So it bothered me that my buddy Tom was simply 'Tom' in my contact list, but I had no other nickname for him.  On Friday night, he told me a story about one of his friends getting shitfaced, then changing every contact in his phone into a professional wrestler (so brilliant that I'm mad I didn't think of it myself.)  So his buddy wakes up the next morning, and while going through his phone, doing the 'what the hell did I do last night?' routine, he realizes that everybody he knows is now named after a wrestler, which means he couldn't tell who was who, and thus had to get everyone's numbers again.  I took great delight in that story, and decided to change Tom's name to Razor Ramon in my phone that very moment. 

Fast forward to the next afternoon, when I was frantically trying to get a hold of Tom (who works in sports media, and with rumors swirling about the game being delayed, had the inside scoop) and I couldn't find him anywhere in my phone....until, of course, I finally stumble across the name Razor Ramon. 

There's something poetic about falling into the same trap that inspired you in the first place.  Now at least I remember the connection, and Tom has himself a nickname in my phone.

- Kevin and I started a joke about swapping girls for the weekend, him getting Teens and a lottery-protected draft pick, and me getting his ladyfriend Kayla and expiring contracts.  I shouldn't even bring it up, since most of the jokes are horribly inappropriate, and I'm not going to repeat them, even in this blog....just know that I haven't laughed that hard, that much, in quite some time.  Things got weird.

- As for the actual hockey game...meh.  By that point, I was freezing and double-fisting beers with hot chocolate, Gangel was puking in the stadium and taking naps on Nicole's shoulder during intermission, and the Omaha fans celebrate with cowbells, usually right in your eardrums.  At that point, I was ready to get back to a bar, enjoy a few Gary Paytons, and call it good.  I'll check back in another 18 years, college hockey.  Sioux Yeah Yeahhhhhhh!


- MyShawn's comment about the photo below, which we gave him crap for, but was entirely accurate (paraphrased):  "Look at Jum trying to look gangsta at the whitest event in history!"

What can I say?  I can't stop looking HARD, just because hockey is involved.

(Also, I enjoy that it's fuzzy, since it's an accurate representation of how I felt at that particular moment.)

Addy, Lindsey, MyShawn, Nicole, Gangel, Teens, me.  Let's run it back in June at the CWS.  I'll bring the Mookie Blaylocks.

....And There's A Picture Of A Train On It

I'm taking time out from this hellish week-- during which I've been feeling: exhausted; over-worked; elated at KU righting the ship by beating the hell out of K-State (I hope Wildcats fans enjoyed that 48 hours there when they had control of the Big 12 Conference- they certianly got their fill of shit-talking in); probably still a little bit hungover from last weekend's drinking marathon, if I'm being completely honest with myself; and mildly confused as to why the Atlanta Braves' over/under on wins next season is only 86 (that's free money on the over, right???)-- in order to bring you the latest installment in the ongoing series "Holy shit, I'm getting old."

I was fortunate enough this morning to receive this valentine via email from my dear friend Easy E....

....and so my office mates and I shared a good chuckle about that classic valentine from Lisa Simpson to Ralph Wiggum, and how awesome The Simpsons used to be back in the day, etc. etc.  All of us, that is, except for our student worker, a junior here at KU.  She failed to recognize the reference.....because she was LESS THAN ONE YEAR OLD WHEN THAT EPISODE CAME OUT.  Game over.  I....I mean....just game over.





I don't know how you grow up to be a fully-functioning human being with a top-notch sense of humor without growing up on the golden era of The Simpsons....but I guess we're going to find out with these next couple of generations.  I'm not holding my breath.

Also, I'm about two years away from posting up on my front porch with a cooler of PBR, Clint Eastwood-in-Gran Torino-style, just housing beers all day, pointing imaginary guns at passerby and grumbling about those damn kids and their Angry Birds and Taylor Swift and vampires and what the fuck is dubstep?

***************

UPDATED:  A few people have given me crap that I got a valentine from Easy E.  I have two responses:  1.  That's just jealousy talking, and 2. That's not the only valentine I received from a dude, so if you're not getting valentines from someone besides your significant other, you should get some better friends.  If you're not sending funny valentines to your bros, then you're doing it wrong.

I also received the follow-up question:  well then, what kind of valentine did you give Teens?  I will tell you.  I put together a sweet little hand-made number with a big picture of Sly & the Family Stone, and wrote down:

Thank you
Fa' lettin' me
Be yo' valentine
AGAIN!

If you google 'luckiest gal on Earth', you may just find a wikipedia entry for Teens as the first result.

Now THIS Is A Trick Shot Video

I am so over trick shot videos.  They've all been done before, in all different styles.  When they first became popular, they were a ton of fun to watch.  Sign me up.  Gimme the link.  I'll watch all of them.  If you can mix in some bad 80's music and poke fun at yourself like Mark Titus' classic video, even better.  Also, back in our old apartment complex from when we first moved to Lawrence, DVJS, James and I once spent a couple of hours launching shots from third-story balconies onto the basketball hoops below us (3rd Story Glory!) and that was a lot of fun.  A quite enjoyable afternoon, I must say.





But after dozens and dozens of videos, I had about seen it all.  Don't link me to another trick shot video, dude.  I don't care.  I don't care that this guy got Oklahoma's starting QB to throw in some full court shots with a football.  I don't care that a rugby player is getting a tryout to be the New York Jets' kicker after he posted his video. I especially don't care that Kyle Singler put together his own lame trick shot video, that guy sucks.  I don't care, I don't care, I don't care.

HOWEVER.  This video is awesome.  And, as surely as I type this today, it's going to launch a massive wave of trick shot videos from toddlers all over the world, none of which are as good as the original, and in another six months, I'll probably be blogging about how annoying these little kid videos are, and how people have enough ways to brag about their kids without flooding the youtube trick shot video market.  But I'm not so cold-hearted that I can't enjoy the hell out of this today.  Hopefully you can too.

Giving Props To Props

It's everybody's favorite time of year:  Super Bowl prop bets!  And this year, after going 8-2 against the spread through the first three rounds of the NFL playoffs (my best postseason ever, since records started being kept in 1991) I have more money than usual to completely throw away on dumb bets. 

One of my favorite scenes in Heat is when De Niro gathers his crew together and asks them, one by one, if they want to continue with their planned heist, even though they're well aware that they're all over the radar of Pacino and his detectives.  They all say yes, and Tom Sizemore's answer is the best:  "Well, ya know, to me....the action IS the juice.  I'm in."  Just perfectly said.  When it comes to Super Bowl bets, I could really care less whether I win or lose.  The money is irrelevant.  The action IS the juice.

On to the bets:

Little known fact #1: I hate Beyonce.  She's annoying, I don't think she's good looking, and she almost single-handedly destroyed the third Austin Powers movie with all her "I'm Foxy Cleopatra, look how sassy I am" nonsense. 

Little known fact #2:  I LOVE me some Alicia Keys.  In fact, I'd put her at the top of my my knee-jerk top 5 Hottest Black Women list, which looks like this:

1.  A. Keys
2.  Stacey Dash
3.  TIE:  Halle Berry/Scary Spice circa 1997
4.  The chick working the 2am shift at Olympic Gardens on New Year's Eve 2006-2007
5.  Michelle Obama (POWER IS SEXY, BRO)

So anyway, it's interesting that they're paired together for this Super Bowl, A.Keys singing the National Anthem, Beyonce ruining the halftime show. 

I will be taking the under for Keys' National Anthem at 2 minutes, 5 seconds.  I'm taking the under on the Anthem for the first time in my life.  I don't really feel good about it.  Don't let me down, baby boo.

I'll be betting that Jay-Z comes out for a guest appearance at some point during halftime, because a)  he's the only thing that could possibly salvage this godforsaken halftime show, and b)  because it will be a tremendous amount of fun to celebrate the winning of that bet, should it come to pass.  Something like jumping out of my seat and yelling "You crazy for this one, Rick!  It's yo' boy!  HOV!" and doing a leaping shoulder bump with JDub, lighting a 20 dollar bill on fire, then using the burning 20-scrill to light a cigar.

I'm betting that Beyonce has her hair crimped, as opposed to straight.  Why not.  You can come out with it on fire for all I care, Bey'.  As much as I love the song "99 Problems", Jay-Z was sorely mistaken.  I'd say that of his 99 problems, a bitch is at least 51.

I'm taking Jason Dufner's 4th round score at the Waste Management Open -5.5 over Anquan Boldin's receiving yards.  I can just picture me and Duf hanging out now, and his reaction after I tell him about that bet.  He casually raises an eyebrow at me from behind the wheel of his '97 Jeep Wrangler (Duf always insists on driving when we hang out together), spits a long shot of Cope into his empty Keystone Light can, turns down the volume on his Lynyrd Skynyrd greatest hits CD, and tells me "That was a dumb bet, dude.  I'm going LOW on Sunday." 

As you can see, my man-crush on Dufner is reaching epic proportions.  I'm officially wandering into Single White Female territory here.

"But you're forgetting the funniest part of that scene!  After Kilmer and Sizemore give these long, thought-out, serious answers, De Niro asks Trejo what he thinks, and he answers in less than a second, 'Yeah, sure.  Let's do it.'  Fuckin' classic Trejo right there.  Hey, pass me the Cope, I'm gonna throw in a rub quick."



The Ravens will use a coaches' challenge first.  Both Harbaughs aren't afraid to throw a challenge or two, so it's gonna happen at some point for both teams.

The opening kickoff of the game will NOT result in a touchback.  This is a perfect example of a Tom Sizemore bet for me.  Yeah, there's not much chance of an actual kick return here.  Factoring in that they moved the kickoff yard line up last year, the game is being played in a dome, and the kicker's adrenaline of the opening friggin' kickoff of the Super Bowl will be through the roof, this will probably end up being booted through the back of the end zone.  But what fun is it to bet on that?  It's way more fun to watch the return man take those first couple of steps and realize he's going to take it out from seven yards deep in the end zone.  The action IS the juice.

No team will score in last two minutes of first half.  Couldn't turn down 3-1 odds on this one.

Lionel Messi will score more goals than Frank Gore has touchdowns.  I cashed this bet last year when Wayne Rooney got liquid twice and Brandon Jacobs got shut out of the end zone.  Let the soccer player vs. running back bets ride, son.  LET THEM RIDE.

Will both teams have a field goal over 33 yards?  No.  If there's one thing about this game that is crystal clear right now, it is that David Akers is absolutely TERRIFIED to attempt a field goal right now.

The first TD of the game will be scored by Randy Moss.  If you're not going to take a longshot here (Moss is 18-1) then why are you betting on this prop?   Grow up Peter Pan, Count Chocula.

Chris Bosh's points scored ends up being more than the largest lead of the Super Bowl for either team.  I think this game stays relatively close the whole way, so as long as Bosh puts up 15 or so, should be easy money, right?  Here is my annual "There's No Way This Cross-Sport Bet Can Possibly Lose, So Naturally, There's No Way This Bet Can Possibly Win" bet.  Every year, there is one cross-sport bet that looks too good to be true, and it usually isn't.  There's a lesson here somewhere, but I am firmly committed to never, ever, ever learning it.


Everybody have fun and be safe during your Super Bowl parties, and remember kids,

It's only a gambling "problem" if you're losing.

My Mom Hates Black People

Little background info:  I lent my parents my collection of The Wire DVDs.  Both of them enjoy that style of show, my Dad grew up in Baltimore, it's the best show in TV history....I thought they would fly through it.  In a true contrast between people in their late 20's and people in their late 50's...that has not exactly happened.  Last year, Teens and I finished all five seasons in about three weeks.  My parents have now had my DVDs for about 9 months-- and they'd still only be on Season 2 or 3, except I've started bugging my Moms lately to hurry up and finish the series so I can loan it to somebody else (note:  I don't have multiple Moms, I just like to say it and spell it like I'm a member of Run DMC or something.) 

Maybe if my parents weren't so busy watching quality shows like Two and a Half Men and calling in their votes for Dancing with the Stars, maybe they could get through The Wire a little faster, but that's neither here nor there.

Anyway, here was my update on their progress:

Me:  So how's The Wire going?

Moms:  Pretty good, we're about to finish season 4.  It's been a lot better since I figured out I can turn the subtitles on!  I can barely understand what they're saying half the time.

Me:  What?!?!  Whaddya mean, YOU PEOPLE?

Moms:  What are you talking about?  I didn't even use the phrase 'you people'.  I just have trouble understanding the slang on that show sometimes.

Me:  Oh snaps!  Omar comin', yo!

Moms:  OK, I'll talk to you later then.

The Couple That Creeps Together Stays Together

Who's creepier? 

Me, for legitimately wanting to see this movie because my boo Selena Gomez is not wearing what one would call an excessive amount of clothing at any point in this preview...





Or Teens, for following Paulina Gretzky on Instagram solely to stalk her pictures with Dustin Johnson (Paulina's new boyfriend and Teens' #2 after Channing Tatum) and express her feelings about said pictures-- which range anywhere from dismayed muttering that I don't think she realizes she is saying out loud, to exclamations like "Are you kidding me Dustin?!?!  You stay away from that WHORE, she has a WHORE FACE!!!"

To be honest, it's probably a race with ultimately no winner and two big losers.

But still, let's get serious, Dustin.  I have to side with Teens on this one, Paulina is a straight-up dirt job.  She may be the daughter of the greatest hockey player in history (besides Jeremy Roenick in NHL '94, of course) but if we're playing a word association game, when I hear her name, "Wayne" is not the first Gretzky I think of**.  You can do better, DJ.


**I put this in a footnote since only Grand Forks people will know who I'm talking about, but I would align Paulina more closely to "Gretzky", the grown man who used to hang around the elementary school warming houses and try (and fail) to dominate little kids in hockey-- hence the sarcastic Gretzky nickname.  One time Kauk tied him to a chair for two days after Gretzky pawned off Kauk's TV, and the city stepped in and said they couldn't live together anymore.  If that story is wrong then I don't want to be right.

What I Think About During Songs. Volume 6.

"These three words when you're gettin' busy...Whoomp!  There it is, hit me!"

Now I don't want to nitpick one of the greatest songs in music history.....but c'mon.  That's clearly four words, unless you're making "there't" a contraction, and I'm pretty sure that contraction doesn't exist, and there's a rule that says it can't exist.  Like you can't have a vowel immediately preceding a contraction that only has one consonant after the apostrophe.  Pretty sure that's it.  I had Mrs. Carney AND Mrs. Skinner back-to-back in 7th and 8th grade English, so I'm basically a juggernaut of the grammar game.  Kinda like the Jay-Z of grammar or something.  Whereas with this egregious grammar faux pas, Tag Team would be more like the Soulja Boy of the grammar game.  (Is it weird that I didn't just call them the Tag Team of the grammar game, since I'm using hip-hop artists for my metaphor anyway?  Maybe.  Whatever.  Watch the throne.)

This song has been involved in too many great moments of my life to straight-up hate on it....but still.  I've got these three words for you, Tag Team:  clean it up a little bit.

The Top 5. Volume 19.

Partly upon request, after Ben McLemore's buzzer beater the other night capped off a big KU comeback, set off a wild scene, and led to an overtime victory vs. Iowa St.-- and partly because I realized I've barely mentioned KU basketball yet this year.....the top 5 greatest KU games I've attended, whether at Phog Allen Fieldhouse or otherwise.

Honorable mentions:

- At UND, 2001:  When making the non-conference schedule, Roy Williams has always been big on giving seniors a chance to play close to home during their senior year.  For that I am truly grateful, because if Jeff Boschee wasn't from North Dakota, there is no way in a million years that KU ever comes up for a basketball game.  I was 19, and this was was my first look at KU in person.  I'll never forget it. 

(Neither will Jerome Beasley, who went nuts on KU and immediately jumped on the radar of NBA scouts everywhere.  Based largely on that game, he was actually drafted in '03 by Miami, but almost immediately flamed out and was soon playing Noonball with us on UND's campus.  In games to 15, he would score at least 12 of the points, with all of us hanging on his arms and back like six-year-olds playing against their dad in the driveway, and yet he claimed those were his "workouts to get him back in the League."  I don't know if he is still getting paid to play basketball anymore, but I do know that he spends time in jail from to time to time beause he owes hundreds of thousands in child support.  There's a lesson in there somewhere, and that lesson is related to how you spend your off-season if you're a professional basketball player.)

- Vs. Baylor, 2009.  My first time sitting in Zim's high-roller seats.  After only watching games from seats closer to the ceiling than to the floor, this game was eye-opening.  I'd give my remaining testicle for just one season of season tickets directly behind KU's bench.

- Vs. Ohio St., 2011.  Dude, I was all over ESPN that day.  Holler at me, Jay Bilas.

- Vs. Texas, 2011.  This might sound weird, since this is the only game that KU has lost at home since I moved here over five years ago, and the game that broke their 69-game home winning streak.  But it was still an experience.  Thomas Robinson's mom died unexpectedly the night before.  The whole team and coaching staff stayed up and consoled him all night, so they were going on zero hours of sleep coming into the 3pm game.  Kyle and I (and many others) knew what was going on since we were internet savvy, but I'd guess at least half the crowd had no idea what had happened until there was a moment of silence immediately before the game.  KU played their hearts out in probably the most emotionally charged game I've ever seen live (not including #1 on this list) but they didn't have enough in the end.  And not to blame this loss on T-Rob's mom dying or anything, but if that hadn't happened, KU would probably be sitting on a 101-game home winning streak right now.  That's almost as ridiculous as Bill Self having more consecutive conference titles than home losses in his KU career.  (If you're a non-KU fan, you're probably hovering your mouse over the red 'X' button on your Internet Explorer right now.  I promise, there's nowhere to go but up for this post.)

The top 5:

#5.  Vs. Missouri, 2009

I scalped a ticket to this game by myself, since they were retiring my all-time favorite Jayhawk Kirk Hinrich, and even though I couldn't find anyone willing to throw down money and go with me (Missouri games are NOT cheap) I couldn't forgive myself if I didn't go.  We absolutely destroyed Mizzou that day, and there ended up being a professional panoramic picture taken of the Fieldhouse crowd that day (this one, actually).  If you know where to look, and you look closely, you can see me standing up and throwing up the 3-ball sign that has since become insanely popular.  I ended up buying and framing that picture, and if you've been to my house even once, rest assured I've gone out of my way to point myself out in the crowd to you while you pretend like you're interested.  (I appreciate your faux-interest, by the way.)


#4.  Vs. Texas Tech, 2004
My first time at the Fieldhouse.  Pure magic.  I have AT LEAST seven or eight shitty photos from an old disposable camera to prove it.  Plus Bobby Knight got ejected and we got to taunt the shit out of him, so that was fun. 

But mostly magic.


#3.  Vs. Iowa St., 2013

Damn that game was fun.  There isn't the opportunity for many buzzer beaters at home for KU, but when there does happen to be one, we know what to do.  (For what it's worth, this is not my video below, but it does the job.)



Also, regarding Ben McLemore and how awesome he is and how much I love him even though he's guaranteed to be a one-and-done at this point....he could leave for the NBA right now, like TODAY, just say "Sup guys, I'm gonna go work out and just get ready for the draft for the next six months.  Kiss the rings, I'm out."  And I wouldn't even be mad at him.  I'd still remember him more fondly than Xavier Henry and Josh Selby combined.  You do you, Benny Mac.


#2.  Vs. Texas, 2008 (Big 12 title game in Kansas City)

Just an extrordinarily well-played game that kick-started KU's run to the National Championship.  (It's easy to forget for Jayhawk fans now, but if KU loses this game, Texas gets the last #1 seed, and suddenly instead of playing Davidson in the Elite 8, KU probably gets UCLA.)  Chalmers hit eight 3's, Rush had six, DJ Augustin tore KU's defense up, there was tons of trash talk both ways....just a fun game to watch.

Immediately afterwards, Kyle and I hopped in his car and were speeding back to Lawrence to catch the Selection Show, and we had a classic Terry (Kyle and Ben's dad) Moment.  Terry is a KU fan himself, and Kyle called him to see how he enjoyed the game (which, I can't stress enough, was the most well-played college basketball game I had ever seen, as well as the clincher for a Big 12 tournament title and a probable #1 seed.  A reason to be overjoyed, if there ever was one.)  Terry's immediate response?  "What the fuck was Brandon Rush doing on that inbounds play with 30 seconds left?  Somebody tell him to get his head out of his ass!" 

Classic.


#1.  Vs. Missouri, 2012

Unless they give Brady Morningstar another year of eligibility and he drops 100 points in a game, or I get called down at halftime and hit a halfcourt shot for a million dollars, or Jean-Claude Van Damme fights a terrorist disguised as a mascot and ends up saving the Fieldhouse from getting blown up as soon as the final buzzer sounds......until something like that happens, this game will probably never be topped for me.  Last game against our biggest rival (who KU has played every year since 1907) before they leave for the SEC; playing for the Big 12 regular season title; coming back from a 19-point second half deficit to win in OT.....just insanity.  Somebody offered me $900 cash before the game for my ticket, and I said no way.  I'll be honest, there was more than one occasion in the second half, when KU was getting killed, that I kinda wished I would've sold the ticket.  After the way it ended....$900 would've been a steal for that guy.  Bill Self was more fired up after this win than anything I've ever seen during March Madness, including the championship.

Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates...You Never Know If It's Gonna Get Swiped Off Your Desk

To give the necessary background info as quickly as possible: on December 26th, somebody in my department anonymously gave myself and the two other ladies whose desks are bullpen-style with mine in the office a box of chocolates for Christmas.  Only one of us was working that day, she noted that all three of us had chocolates, I showed up the next day, saw nothing but suspected nothing (since I didn't have any idea that chocolates had been given to me in the first place) then when the third office employee returned on the 31st and celebrated her anonymous chocolates with the other employee, I pointed out that I never got any, and we realized that mine had been stolen.  If you read that quickly, the details are somewhat confusing, but they're mostly unimportant anyway-- bottom line, there was a box of chocolates sitting on my desk at 5pm on December 26th, and they were gone by 8am on December 27th.

According to me and Encyclopedia Brown, there are really only four explanations:

1.  The anonymous gifter had a sudden change of heart and took the chocolates back
2.  The one person working in the office that day stole them
3.  An unrelated third party stole them
4.  The night janitor stole them

My rebuttals:

1.  Possible, but unlikely.  Your heart has shrunk three sizes that day if you're pulling that move.  You on some serious Grinch shit, son.

2.  Again possible, but unlikely.  Pulling a rip job where you steal something, knowing that the subject of the missing item will inevitably surface a week later, then acting surprised when it does and concocting the story of the disappearing item and deflecting your possible guilt at that point.....that's a level of fiendishness that I am unfamiliar with.

3.  Very doubtful.  There were only three or four regular staff working in the entire building that day, unless some faculty members came in at night to get some work done.

4.  Definitely the most likely scenario....

For some unexplained reason, me and the janitor got beef, yo.  (The janitors only recently switched to working overnights, so for the first 9 months or so at this job, we would regularly see the janitors during the day.)  I am generally nice to all strangers.  I smile and say hello to everyone I see in the hall, and if it's somebody I see regularly, I make an attempt to become at least small talk partners, if not genuine friends.  But from the start, this lady wasn't having it.  Her reply was usually a somewhat disdainful look in my direction and a "hello" through almost gritted teeth.  At first, I just thought she was anti-social, but that theory was thrown out when I noticed her being super-friendly and going out of her way to strike up conversations with the ladies in the office.  I started thinking about my own actions.  Have I ever littered in front of her, something that would she would take as a clear slap in the face?  No.  Not intentionally, anyway-- but it's not like I'm strolling down the hallways with garbage in my hands, so the possibility that I accidentally missed a garbage can while she was walking behind me is very remote.  Is my desk and surrounding area a disaster zone, that she hates to clean and, as an extension, makes her hate me?  Shouldn't be.  There are some occasional crumbs on the floor, since I almost always hammer my hot pockets at my desk...but no worse than anyone else in the office.  It's unexplainable, but she's just not that into me.

To be honest, I don't care that much about not getting the chocolates.  I'm not a huge chocoloate fan (the office ladies, who are well aware of my eating habits, immediately starting joking that if it was a bag of Doritos or a Chipotle burrito that got stolen instead of chocolates, I'd be contacting the campus police.  HA.  HA.)  But that doesn't mean I have to take this lying down.  It's the lack of respect that hurts the most.  Like I'm that sucka that can be stole from.  Yo, if she want beef, then I'll serve her a pork chop.  This thing is gonna end like Tupac and Biggie.  I feel like Snoop Dogg at the '95 Source Awards, except I'm yelling at the custodial staff.  Y'all don't love me?  Y'all ain't got no love for Jum Hammonds?  Well let it be known then!  I know where I'm at, I know y'all East Coast!





I mean, for real, if you're a janitor, and you're gonna screw around with stuff when nobody is around, at least solve some impossible math problems or something.  Shit.

That Ace Could Not Have Helped You

The other night Teens, Hendo, Willis and I were at Six Mile Tavern after the KU game and met Bird and Kaylee, both of whom are much younger than most of us.  After we had been there for awhile, Kaylee made a comment about how the clientele was a little bit on the older side.  To me, Six Mile doesn't have the feel of an "old person" bar.  There are no sad old men bellying up at 10am to drink their lives away all day.  It's not strictly a Happy Hour bar, where the atmosphere immediately starts dying down after 7 or 8 pm.  I think the oldest song I heard played was either Michael Jackson or Hall & Oates, and there was plenty of Tupac, Lil' Jon, Muse, and even some Gangnam Style (I held out for so long and didn't listen to that song, but I finally broke down a couple weeks ago, and now I'm part of the ONE BILLION people who have watched that youtube video.  It's not so bad.)

But as I looked around, I realized Kaylee was right-- for every table of college kids, there were at least two tables of people in their forties and up.  I hadn't even noticed; I guess the average age of the patrons doesn't even register for me now when I go to a bar.  And it immediately reminded me of Matt Damon's opening line from Rounders (which, coincidentally, is one of the greatest opening lines in movie history, but that's a list for another day):

"Listen, here's the thing.  If you can't spot the sucker in the first half hour at the table...then you ARE the sucker."


Listen, here's the thing.  If you sit down at a bar and don't notice it's an older crowd in the first half hour....then you are part of the older crowd.  In Teddy KGB voice:  "Eeet hurts, doesn't eet?  All your dreams?  Boop!  Dyashed.  Hopes down the fahking drain."  OK, enough flirting with it, let's just all watch the final hand of Rounders together.

Christmas Break Power Rankings

In ascending order:


8.  Blizzard Draco

Draco rolled through the Wednesday before Christmas and completely destroyed I-35, foiling my plans to drive up to Minneapolis and visit Easy E and LZE.  I had to bail out and take I-29 instead, which also involved quite a bit of white-knuckle driving.  (We'll get back to that.)  Draco, you were an asshole Death Eater, now you're an asshole blizzard.  You helped to kill both Dumbledore and my Christmas plans.  (HARRY POTTER JOKES, Y'ALL!!!)

7.  Sara & Me & SuperFun Booze Face Special Time

For the first the time that I can remember, Sarunas and I went boozing together, and failed to stay up until at least 5am.  It's disappointing to see streaks end.  She won't be offended that she's this low on the power rankings; we both agreed that it was a failure.


6.  The Jungle Bird

The Golf Channel was replaying last year's U.S. Open while I was home, so I had to re-watch the last hour or so, for two reasons:

- Jim Furyk's somewhat enjoyable meltdown over the final three holes (Sponsored by 5-hour Energy, huh Jimmy? Too bad it wasn't a 6-hour energy! Baaaaa-ZING!)

- The Jungle Bird. He was a big, big hit with the family, who hadn't seen this clip before, so we re-wound it a million times, and they were still laughing on the millionth viewing.





5c.  Red Pepper
5b.  Mom's Fried Chicken
5a.  White Sauce

I think it's official:  When I go back home, I get more excited for Mom's homemade fried chicken than I do for Red Pepper.  There.  I said it.  Shout-out to the Pepper though, for being named the #1 late night food eatery in America.  It's nice when I brag incessantly about something to my Kansas friends and it later gets backed up by actual facts.  Makes me sound like less of a blowhard.

As for white sauce, I have often claimed that I would eat dog food as long as it had white sauce on it.  So I brought some back to Kansas with me, hoping Teens would whip us up a taco salad or something and we could crush some white sauce.  I didn't properly describe my vision of what she should make, and we ended up with whatever this is:

The silver lining is that when I use that white sauce/dog food line in the future, I know that I'm not really exaggerating anymore.


4.  Free Beer

The one thing I'll take away from this fantasy football this year, despite easily having the most points and being The People's Champ?  Sweeping the season series from Fundy and getting a free night of boozing out of the deal.  Schooners taste much better when they're free.  Also, Fundy, you still owe me a case of beer.  Whenever it's convenient.  No biggie.


3.  The 11th (Mostly) Annual Schneweis/Hammen Kickball Extravaganza


We had a fantastic turnout, especially considering it was below zero outside. Definitely the coldest game in this event's history-- cue the NFL Films voice:  "On the frozen tundra of the Walsh Quad."  I wore regular tennis shoes, a track jacket, and light gloves, because I'm an idiot and I don't remember how to dress correctly. When I saw people showing up with boots and choppers and multiple coats, and Timmy B rocking a full-on facemask (camoflauge, natch) I knew I was in trouble. Luckily we had booze. Also, Team Hammen broke a two-year losing streak with a 5-1 victory. Despite being nicknamed Big Ern McCrackern due to my unorthodox pitching style and demeanor on the mound, I've only given up 1 run in 16 innings pitched over the last two years now. Stats don't lie, suck it Landry. Big ups to Weisser, T.Nels, Jacoby, Moose, Konerza, Mark and Rob. Even though I'll be on the opposite team of half of you next year. But whatever.

Random funny moment from the weekend:  We were discussing how none of us have really started donating to our alma mater yet, and Aimee asked us, theoretically, if we were to give money to UND, what would we want it to go to?  T.Nels and I answered simultaneously:

"An official kickball field"
"A retractable roof over the Walsh Quad"


2.  Dakota Magic Casino

So since my detour to Minneapolis was derailed, I was pretty bitter, and determined to have SOME sort of fun during my drive.  So after nine hours on the road, I got to the North/South Dakota border, said screw it, pulled off the interstate into the Dakota Magic, got a room, and bellied up to the bar by myself for a few cordials before hitting the blackjack tables.  What happened next is a classic North Dakota scene.  I paid for my first beer, the bartender gave me a shot on the house along with it, I paid for my second beer....and that was the last time I spent money on booze all night.  Why is that?...


1.  Grizzled North Dakota Farmers

....A steady rotating stream of farmers, who bought every one of my drinks the rest the night, refusing to let me return the favor, then staying around to bullshit for a while.  It ended up being a group of five or six of us, just a constant chatter of John Deere's new line of equipment, how much they think the Lavoy's farm is going to end up selling for, and the new calorie-cutting cafeteria plan that the gosh-damned school board implemented.  Meanwhile, I'm sitting there getting absolutely housed, nodding solemnly in agreement when necessary, throwing an occasional swear word into the mix (whether it's necessary or not) and thinking things like "I hope I set the DVR for The Mindy Project before I left town " and "When I put this chew in, I have to do it quick so they don't see it's just a pouch, and I'll pick up more farm cred that way." 

I have no idea how I end up in this situation so often.  Maybe I'm a good listener.  Maybe these dudes just want a sounding board for their stories-- but if they had any idea how big of a pussy I am in real life, I feel like that would end the small talk right quick.  The one time I tried to offer something substantial to the conversation was when I glanced at the bar TV and noticed LeBron James clipping his fingernails on the bench, during the game (which I thought was a big moment):

Me:  Holy shit!  Is LeBron James clipping his nails during the game, or am I just hammered right now?  (Editor's note:  I was correct on both counts.)

Grizzled Farmer #1:  What?

Me:  LeBron James!  He's clipping his nails right now, and the game is still going on!  This is ridiculous!

~Confused silence from Grizzled Farmers 1-5 as they squint up at the TV screen~

Grizzled Farmer #2:  LeBron James?  He a ballplayer or something?

Me:  What?!?  Yes!  He.....he's that guy right there, clipping his fingernails....he's the best basketball player in the world....you know, LeBron James......

~More confused silence~

Grizzled Farmer #3:  So, like I was saying, you seen those new Strong Box batteries that Deere put out this year?  Fuckin' great life on those suckers.

Grizzled Farmer #4:  Ayup.

Grizzled Farmer #5:  Fuckin' A right.

Grizzled Farmer #2:  Hey, you chewin' pouches over there, boy?


Sometimes--not often, but sometimes....North Dakota is just the best. 

Happy New Year.