Friday, June 7, 2013
Uh Oh! Guess What Day It Is!
Simply put, this is one of my favorite commercials of all time. I'm not going to say anything else, since sometimes I have a problem with hyping things up too much. Normally I would talk about how everything about this is great; the voice, and delivery, the writing. Maybe I'd talk about how it's as close to comedic perfection as I've ever seen in a commercial, or maybe go on and on about how it's only a 30-second commercial, but I already have like six different favorite lines, and then describe why I love each of those lines....but I'm not going to do any of that. If you watched it and ended up only *kinda* liking it...I just couldn't live with that disappointment.
However, I will say that thanks to this commercial, you do NOT want to be my co-worker on Wednesdays anymore. I am going to be super annoying next Wednesday, and every Wednesday, for the rest of the Wednesdays of my life.
(This is where one of my co-workers would chime in "You mean MORE annoying than you already are?" And in turn, I would respond "HUMP DAYYYYYYY!!!)
Monday, June 3, 2013
Disabled List
I was going to write a longer post about my knee injury, but I thought DVJS already did a wonderful job giving details here. Long story short: unless I tear the meniscus further and require surgery, wearing a knee brace and regular rehab-type exercises is part of my athletic life now. You know that broken-down old dude you see in the corner of the Rec Center gym, doing 45 minutes of weird exercises just to play a couple games of pickup basketball? That's me now. At age 30. Fuck, man. This is probably foolish, but I'm going to at least talk to my buddy Zim (physical therapist) to see what could happen I don't wear the knee brace, "try" to tear the meniscus further, and then get surgery so it's fixed. I know that sounds stupid, but it also sounds stupid to me that this injury isn't bad enough to need surgery, but yet I have to run around with a knee brace the rest of my life like it's 1948? C'mon now. Let's use the technology.
The one funny thing in all this is the new nickname I've picked up at the office. When I sit at my desk for long stretches, then try to stand up and walk, my knee is all kinds of jacked up, and I limp and hobble pretty heavily. But after I walk around for a bit, I loosen up and feel better, and can walk with more or less a normal gait. So in a stroke of genius, one of the grad students started calling me Keyser Soze. Well played, bro.
That video totally just spoiled the ending of The Usual Suspects, by the way. But seriously, if you hadn't seen that movie yet, you were probably never going to. If you're upset about the fact I just ruined the twist ending of a movie from like 20 years ago, you can come to Kansas and punch me in the left meniscus. Maybe then it will require surgery.
The one funny thing in all this is the new nickname I've picked up at the office. When I sit at my desk for long stretches, then try to stand up and walk, my knee is all kinds of jacked up, and I limp and hobble pretty heavily. But after I walk around for a bit, I loosen up and feel better, and can walk with more or less a normal gait. So in a stroke of genius, one of the grad students started calling me Keyser Soze. Well played, bro.
That video totally just spoiled the ending of The Usual Suspects, by the way. But seriously, if you hadn't seen that movie yet, you were probably never going to. If you're upset about the fact I just ruined the twist ending of a movie from like 20 years ago, you can come to Kansas and punch me in the left meniscus. Maybe then it will require surgery.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Hey, Have You Guys Heard Of The Strokes?
Every once in awhile I get made fun of on The Boards because of my tendency to be wayyyyy behind on popular music. They'll call me Ace, as in Ace of Base, as in supposedly I've just heard of, and am just now listening to, the Swedish pop group Ace of Base who dominated the airwaves in 1994.
And I have no comeback; the nickname fits. For every Vampire Weekend or Lumineers or Robert Randolph or Ludacris that I'm in on from the beginning, there's multiple artists that I don't listen to until years after they're popular. Obviously, at the height of their respective popularity, I'm aware that all these bands exist....I just don't really listen to them.
Just to be clear, we're talking about bands that I was old enough to get into when they were popular. Obviously, when I discovered Led Zeppelin or Run DMC or Bob Marley, etc. etc. etc., I was years or even decades behind, but for obvious reasons. Also, we're not talking about shitheads like Justin Bieber or Nickelback or Taylor Swift. Not listening to their music is an active lifestyle choice I'm making.
It seems like every year, I have at least one band that, for one reason or another, randomly slides into my life, and I decide I'm going to dive in all the way and see what all the fuss was about. The recent list looks like this:
2008- Hootie & the Blowfish: Ohhhh, so THIS is what everyone was going crazy about in 6th grade! (Note: I don't mean that sarcastically. Dammit, those songs are catchy. I can legitimately see why they were so huge back in the day. So much fun to sing along and do your best Hootie voice. WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT LIIIIFE IS LIIIIIIIIIIKE! Classic).
2009- Weezer: It's good to know that this band exists outside the realm of "Buddy Holly", which I loved when I was a youngster. I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed a bunch of their other songs.
2010- White Stripes: Is it bad that I sorta patted myself on the back for getting into the Stripes only seven years after they were at their coolest? Probably. Also, is it cool to shorten it up and just call them the Stripes? Was that ever a thing? Probably not.
2011- Nirvana: I don't know if this makes me a poseur or not (I realize that becoming a Nirvana fan 17 years after Cobain ate his shotgun makes me a poseur already, but just work with me here) but my favorite Nirvana song is Sliver. The premise of the song is kinda bullshit, which makes me think that *real* Nirvana fans probably look down on it, but whatever- that song effing rocks. Zidon sisters, back me up here.
2012- Dave Matthews Band: This one actually wasn't my choice. Gangel, one of the most diehard DMB fans I've ever seen, burned me a CD full of his favorite tracks and gave it to me as a gift-- either because he truly enjoys to share the music he loves....or because he was tired of listening to my iPod and never having any DMB options.
(Side note: I used to do this all the time with old girlfriends, back in the days before iPods. I'd burn a CD with a bunch of my favorite songs, stash it in their glove compartment, then "find it" when we'd be riding in their car. "What are we listening to? John Mayer again, huh? Oh word, what's this CD you have laying around? It doesn't have any writing on it, let's try it out! All riiiight, little Public Enemy? Nas? ANNNND Westside Connection? Nice!")
Anyway, here in 2013, the new music in my life belongs to The Strokes....a full 11 years after they burst onto the scene. You guys should totally check them out. They could be the next Ace of Base!
Sunday, May 26, 2013
There's Always Money In The Banana Stand
Happy Arrested Development Day! It's been seven long years since one of the funniest shows in history was on the air (on my personal list, it's either my all-time favorite, or second favorite, depending on how I feel about It's Always Sunny that day) and now it's back for a new season on Netflix and probably a movie. If you've never seen it before, you pretty much should just drop what you're doing, right now, and go start watching it. Along with The Wire, it's the only other show that I would personally guarantee that you love-- and I don't even know who 'you' are right now, gentle reader. That's just a blanket guarantee for all human beings.
I was going to try and do a top 5 favorite moments from the show's first three seasons, but that's basically impossible. I make lists for EVERYTHING, and I still have literally no idea how I would sort out my favorite moments from this show. So here's a bunch of screencaps and youtube clips that I think are awesome:
The running joke of Gob constantly lying about how expensive his suit is.
Every family member having their own stupid chicken dance. Even if you've never even heard of Arrested Development, you've probably seen somebody doing their impression of Gob's impression of a chicken.
Every time a character is sad and they play the Charlie Brown music and have them do the Charlie Brown Sad Walk (this compilation is from multiple episodes).
The subplot of Gob alternately embracing and denying Steve Holt as his son.
Tobias' constant inability to phrase things without making them sound sexual (and Michael, in that perfectly Jason Bateman-y way, trying to call him out on it). Kind of a series of "That's what she said" jokes before there was a "That's what she said."
Arrested Development is also probably the smartest comedy I've ever watched. The constant wordplay is so genius it's practically exhausting. Even the throwaway jokes have some sort of meaning behind them. Watching every episode once isn't even close to enough. Even after watching them multiple times, I'm probably missing a bunch of jokes and not even realizing it, as evidenced by this article and this one. (Those are must-reads for AD die-hards, but if this poorly written blog post is somehow convincing anybody out there to start watching this show, stay away from those links, they have spoilers).
That's about all I can do to recommend Arrested Development, friends. Like the guy in the $6,800 suit is gonna spend any more of his valuable time trying to convince people to watch one of the funniest shows ever. COME ON!
I was going to try and do a top 5 favorite moments from the show's first three seasons, but that's basically impossible. I make lists for EVERYTHING, and I still have literally no idea how I would sort out my favorite moments from this show. So here's a bunch of screencaps and youtube clips that I think are awesome:
The running joke of Gob constantly lying about how expensive his suit is.
Every family member having their own stupid chicken dance. Even if you've never even heard of Arrested Development, you've probably seen somebody doing their impression of Gob's impression of a chicken.
Every time a character is sad and they play the Charlie Brown music and have them do the Charlie Brown Sad Walk (this compilation is from multiple episodes).
The subplot of Gob alternately embracing and denying Steve Holt as his son.
Tobias' constant inability to phrase things without making them sound sexual (and Michael, in that perfectly Jason Bateman-y way, trying to call him out on it). Kind of a series of "That's what she said" jokes before there was a "That's what she said."
Arrested Development is also probably the smartest comedy I've ever watched. The constant wordplay is so genius it's practically exhausting. Even the throwaway jokes have some sort of meaning behind them. Watching every episode once isn't even close to enough. Even after watching them multiple times, I'm probably missing a bunch of jokes and not even realizing it, as evidenced by this article and this one. (Those are must-reads for AD die-hards, but if this poorly written blog post is somehow convincing anybody out there to start watching this show, stay away from those links, they have spoilers).
That's about all I can do to recommend Arrested Development, friends. Like the guy in the $6,800 suit is gonna spend any more of his valuable time trying to convince people to watch one of the funniest shows ever. COME ON!
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Wedding Week, Part II: Wait, You Mean We Came Here To Get MARRIED?
WEDNESDAY
About ten of us dragged ourselves out of bed at 6am to go deep sea fishing (except I didn't struggle to wake up, since I'd already established my wakeup time as the buttfuck of dawn every day). We boated out juuuuuust far enough so that you couldn't see land anymore (this is my nightmare! Titanic is like a horror movie for me) and dropped some lines. Now, my fishing/hunting/outdoorsman skills, or lack thereof, are well documented. So when I caught a fish within 15 seconds of dropping my line in the water, I thought maybe this would be a fresh start for me. Maybe this is a NEW Happy Gilmore. But alas, in the subsequent five hours, I only caught one other fish. As a boat, we caught over 100, and the next worst fisherman probably caught at least five or six. And I got two. Unbelievable. Also, I got a little seasick, so I spent about an hour staring at the horizon and trying not to puke. The only two of us to get seasick were Easy E and me, which *might* have been related to the fact that when we first got on the boat, we had a one-upsmanship contest that involved licking raw squid....but I'm gonna refuse to take responsibility for my own actions, and just blame it on seasickness. Just gotta find the ol' sea legs, mate!
That evening ADawg arrived, and now rolling 18 deep, we had some good clean sober fun: mini golf and go-karts. I can't properly explain how much fun I had at this place. I can't remember which comedian made the joke about how it's impossible to ride a jet ski and not be smiling (Daniel Tosh?) But the same rule applies to go-karting. If you can take a few spins around the track, especially with 17 of your friends all racing at the same time, and not have an ear-to-ear grin plastered on your face, then you're a better man than I. There's been a hole in my heart for the last 15 years or so, and I finally know that the only thing that can fill it is a good mini-golf/go-kart track.
I don't know if there was really an MVP that day; I don't think anyone had more than 5 or 6 drinks all day. Let's call it a 26-way tie and give three cheers to having fun without drinking!
THURSDAY
Thursday morning we teed off at Kelly Plantation, which despite the vaguely racist name that sounds like a scene straight out of Django Unchained, was one of the nicest golf courses I've ever played in my life. Just gorgeous. Once again, my golf game was mediocre, but I was like Forrest Gump at the bus stop: just happy to be there.
After 96 consecutive hours of lesiure time in Florida, it finally hit me Thursday afternoon: Oh yeah, we have a WEDDING TOMORROW. Obviously, beach weddings cut down a lot on the amount of planning involved, but on the flip side, when you have no wedding planner, or set venue, or even a regular pastor to assist with things, you kind of realize how every single detail for the entire day is on your shoulders. That being said, running through a wedding rehearsal is a LOT more enjoyable when you're not wearing shoes and you're drinking beer on the beach-- details or no details.
After rehearsal dinner we went back to the beach house for one of the main events of the weekend: the half-court shot contest between Easy E and Paul to determine who the best man would be. This ended up being even more fun than I originally envisioned. It helped that there ended up being a basketball hoop right next door to our house, so the entire party (probably about 40 people at this point) could watch. Alfonso, Katie, Manada, and Sarunas took it up a notch by making signs. Lane was blasting Jock Jams. Bets were flying around- with the official over/under being set at 16 combined shots. It was phenomenal, all the way around.
Thursday night was a classic case of the Kegger Corollary, which I define as running around all night to talk to different people, and then the next day you feel like you didn't really talk to anybody at all. Easy E celebrated his half-court shot victory by sleeping for 45 minutes. He gets the MVP for the day.
FRIDAY
And then, wedding day was upon us. While the girls were doing girly things, Easy E, Paul, Bird, Gangel, JonJon, Schne, Kyle, Lane and I snuck off for a round of golf at Emerald Bay. The course, unfortunately, was a goat track. It was pretty because it was in Florida, but other than that, the course was pretty much garbage. If you're ever in Destin, don't ever play Emerald Bay. We probably should've hired their website photographer though; that dude did a fantastic job making that course look good on the internet. I feel like I got Catfished by a golf course.
That afternoon, I got some pool time in with the crew at the house, and if Jum the Bachelor was on Death Row, then Paul prepared me a great last meal: tuna casserole, one of our staples in Culligan Manor. Maybe the best piece of advice I got all week from married people was from Kyle, who told me that at some point before the wedding, I just needed to get the fuck away from everybody for a little while. So I went for a quick swim in the ocean, collected my thoughts, and got my head in a good place before I flushed my singledom down the proverbial toilet forever.
I didn't even really get a chance to get nervous, since the last hour before the wedding I was running around taking pictures, talking to the sound guy, going over the music list with Schne, going over last minute tweaks to the ceremony with Reverend Lane, etc. etc. Before I knew it, it was showtime.
This is kind of an obvious statement, but seriously: getting married on the beach is AWESOME. So much more relaxing and fun. There were a couple minor hiccups: I forgot to give P.A. a bro-hug right away after he gave Teens away, so there was a false start to the proceedings; Teens forgot one of her lines during the vows, but handled it nicely by asking Lane "...Line?" Well played. That's my girl. Other than that, it was smooth sailing. Walk down, get married, walk back. Bing bang boom. It can't be stressed enough that Lane did a phenomenal job. He may be able to start himself a little side job in Rhode Island. He already paid the $10 to get ordained-- it's all profit now!
Side note: Guys, I'm not sure I'm emphasizing enough how crazy it is that I got choked up during my speech, while Teens kept it together. Teens cries during EVERYTHING. She mercilessly made fun of The O.C. for the first year of our relationship, I finally convinced her to watch the DVDs....and she cried four separate times in the first three episodes. Marley & Me might as well have been called Teens Bawls For Two Straight Hours While Jum Periodically Checks His Phone And Says Things Like "Is the Dog Dead Yet? Is This the One Where the Dog Dies? Hey Teens, I Bet the Dog Dies."
My secret biggest fear of the wedding- of course I never mentioned this to her beforehand- was that Teens was going to cry throughout the ceremony, beyond the point where it's cute, meandering into the territory where the audience would be wondering "OK, what's going on here? Does Teens really want to go through with this? Is she a flight risk right now? Is Jum holding her at gunpoint? Has she been a kidnap victim this whole time and we just didn't know it?" But instead, Teens was a smiley, happy, composed bride-- and I had to bail on my speech because I was beginning to slide down Cry in Front of My Friends Mountain. Unbelievable.
My favorite random moment of the day: LZE surprising us by singing a song for everyone to slow dance to. Easy E had mentioned a time or two that she was a good singer, but he completely sandbagged us on this one. She is FANTASTIC. Jaw-dropping good.
The rest the night was awesome, except for the cops showing up for a noise complaint right in the middle of 'Apache', completely ruining the song. Personally, I think the complaint was made up, since our neighbors were leaning over the fence and having beers with us, it was a Friday night on the beach in a tourist town, and it was only 10pm. So I told the cop that we'd change speakers to something with less bass, but we absolutely would not stop playing music, as we had been bumping jams every night for almost a week now with no issues. He accepted it without much argument, which contributes to my theory that this was less of a noise complaint, and more of a "we've got our eyes on you fuckers tonight" warning from the cops. Still, it's a cool story that the cops came to try to shut down the wedding reception. Give it a few years, and I'll be telling people about that time I bitch-slapped a uniformed police officer at my wedding, turned the music up and danced the Apache in front of him, and told him to go buy a vowel if he hadn't solved the puzzle yet.
Once again I felt like I barely got to talk to anyone, when in fact I talked to everyone. And just like that, it was 1am, guests were leaving, people were going to bed, and the week was basically over. Probably the quickest and most fun week of my life.
Saturday morning we packed up and left, and Teens and I drove 17 hours straight back to Kansas. Yes, it was an absolute nightmare, thanks for asking.
More pictures are popping up here and there, and once we get our official photos from our photographer, I'll probably do a picture post of the wedding day, since you gotta give the people what they want.
About ten of us dragged ourselves out of bed at 6am to go deep sea fishing (except I didn't struggle to wake up, since I'd already established my wakeup time as the buttfuck of dawn every day). We boated out juuuuuust far enough so that you couldn't see land anymore (this is my nightmare! Titanic is like a horror movie for me) and dropped some lines. Now, my fishing/hunting/outdoorsman skills, or lack thereof, are well documented. So when I caught a fish within 15 seconds of dropping my line in the water, I thought maybe this would be a fresh start for me. Maybe this is a NEW Happy Gilmore. But alas, in the subsequent five hours, I only caught one other fish. As a boat, we caught over 100, and the next worst fisherman probably caught at least five or six. And I got two. Unbelievable. Also, I got a little seasick, so I spent about an hour staring at the horizon and trying not to puke. The only two of us to get seasick were Easy E and me, which *might* have been related to the fact that when we first got on the boat, we had a one-upsmanship contest that involved licking raw squid....but I'm gonna refuse to take responsibility for my own actions, and just blame it on seasickness. Just gotta find the ol' sea legs, mate!
That evening ADawg arrived, and now rolling 18 deep, we had some good clean sober fun: mini golf and go-karts. I can't properly explain how much fun I had at this place. I can't remember which comedian made the joke about how it's impossible to ride a jet ski and not be smiling (Daniel Tosh?) But the same rule applies to go-karting. If you can take a few spins around the track, especially with 17 of your friends all racing at the same time, and not have an ear-to-ear grin plastered on your face, then you're a better man than I. There's been a hole in my heart for the last 15 years or so, and I finally know that the only thing that can fill it is a good mini-golf/go-kart track.
I don't know if there was really an MVP that day; I don't think anyone had more than 5 or 6 drinks all day. Let's call it a 26-way tie and give three cheers to having fun without drinking!
THURSDAY
Thursday morning we teed off at Kelly Plantation, which despite the vaguely racist name that sounds like a scene straight out of Django Unchained, was one of the nicest golf courses I've ever played in my life. Just gorgeous. Once again, my golf game was mediocre, but I was like Forrest Gump at the bus stop: just happy to be there.
After 96 consecutive hours of lesiure time in Florida, it finally hit me Thursday afternoon: Oh yeah, we have a WEDDING TOMORROW. Obviously, beach weddings cut down a lot on the amount of planning involved, but on the flip side, when you have no wedding planner, or set venue, or even a regular pastor to assist with things, you kind of realize how every single detail for the entire day is on your shoulders. That being said, running through a wedding rehearsal is a LOT more enjoyable when you're not wearing shoes and you're drinking beer on the beach-- details or no details.
After rehearsal dinner we went back to the beach house for one of the main events of the weekend: the half-court shot contest between Easy E and Paul to determine who the best man would be. This ended up being even more fun than I originally envisioned. It helped that there ended up being a basketball hoop right next door to our house, so the entire party (probably about 40 people at this point) could watch. Alfonso, Katie, Manada, and Sarunas took it up a notch by making signs. Lane was blasting Jock Jams. Bets were flying around- with the official over/under being set at 16 combined shots. It was phenomenal, all the way around.
The first couple shots weren't very close, as both competitors tried to find the range (it was an 11-foot rim, so we moved the shot a little inside of half-court). Paul back-rimmed his 4th shot, and Easy E followed that up by missing straight-on but just short. They certainly had the basket's attention. The next few shots were off again, and then on his 8th effort, WHAMMO! Easy E buried it. Paul missed his mercy shot, and it was all over but the crying (and 50 years of shit-talking). Kyle got a great video of the winning shot and aftermath, but I'm not tech-savvy enough to upload it here.
Thursday night was a classic case of the Kegger Corollary, which I define as running around all night to talk to different people, and then the next day you feel like you didn't really talk to anybody at all. Easy E celebrated his half-court shot victory by sleeping for 45 minutes. He gets the MVP for the day.
FRIDAY
And then, wedding day was upon us. While the girls were doing girly things, Easy E, Paul, Bird, Gangel, JonJon, Schne, Kyle, Lane and I snuck off for a round of golf at Emerald Bay. The course, unfortunately, was a goat track. It was pretty because it was in Florida, but other than that, the course was pretty much garbage. If you're ever in Destin, don't ever play Emerald Bay. We probably should've hired their website photographer though; that dude did a fantastic job making that course look good on the internet. I feel like I got Catfished by a golf course.
That afternoon, I got some pool time in with the crew at the house, and if Jum the Bachelor was on Death Row, then Paul prepared me a great last meal: tuna casserole, one of our staples in Culligan Manor. Maybe the best piece of advice I got all week from married people was from Kyle, who told me that at some point before the wedding, I just needed to get the fuck away from everybody for a little while. So I went for a quick swim in the ocean, collected my thoughts, and got my head in a good place before I flushed my singledom down the proverbial toilet forever.
I didn't even really get a chance to get nervous, since the last hour before the wedding I was running around taking pictures, talking to the sound guy, going over the music list with Schne, going over last minute tweaks to the ceremony with Reverend Lane, etc. etc. Before I knew it, it was showtime.
This is kind of an obvious statement, but seriously: getting married on the beach is AWESOME. So much more relaxing and fun. There were a couple minor hiccups: I forgot to give P.A. a bro-hug right away after he gave Teens away, so there was a false start to the proceedings; Teens forgot one of her lines during the vows, but handled it nicely by asking Lane "...Line?" Well played. That's my girl. Other than that, it was smooth sailing. Walk down, get married, walk back. Bing bang boom. It can't be stressed enough that Lane did a phenomenal job. He may be able to start himself a little side job in Rhode Island. He already paid the $10 to get ordained-- it's all profit now!
Side note: Guys, I'm not sure I'm emphasizing enough how crazy it is that I got choked up during my speech, while Teens kept it together. Teens cries during EVERYTHING. She mercilessly made fun of The O.C. for the first year of our relationship, I finally convinced her to watch the DVDs....and she cried four separate times in the first three episodes. Marley & Me might as well have been called Teens Bawls For Two Straight Hours While Jum Periodically Checks His Phone And Says Things Like "Is the Dog Dead Yet? Is This the One Where the Dog Dies? Hey Teens, I Bet the Dog Dies."
My secret biggest fear of the wedding- of course I never mentioned this to her beforehand- was that Teens was going to cry throughout the ceremony, beyond the point where it's cute, meandering into the territory where the audience would be wondering "OK, what's going on here? Does Teens really want to go through with this? Is she a flight risk right now? Is Jum holding her at gunpoint? Has she been a kidnap victim this whole time and we just didn't know it?" But instead, Teens was a smiley, happy, composed bride-- and I had to bail on my speech because I was beginning to slide down Cry in Front of My Friends Mountain. Unbelievable.
My favorite random moment of the day: LZE surprising us by singing a song for everyone to slow dance to. Easy E had mentioned a time or two that she was a good singer, but he completely sandbagged us on this one. She is FANTASTIC. Jaw-dropping good.
The rest the night was awesome, except for the cops showing up for a noise complaint right in the middle of 'Apache', completely ruining the song. Personally, I think the complaint was made up, since our neighbors were leaning over the fence and having beers with us, it was a Friday night on the beach in a tourist town, and it was only 10pm. So I told the cop that we'd change speakers to something with less bass, but we absolutely would not stop playing music, as we had been bumping jams every night for almost a week now with no issues. He accepted it without much argument, which contributes to my theory that this was less of a noise complaint, and more of a "we've got our eyes on you fuckers tonight" warning from the cops. Still, it's a cool story that the cops came to try to shut down the wedding reception. Give it a few years, and I'll be telling people about that time I bitch-slapped a uniformed police officer at my wedding, turned the music up and danced the Apache in front of him, and told him to go buy a vowel if he hadn't solved the puzzle yet.
Once again I felt like I barely got to talk to anyone, when in fact I talked to everyone. And just like that, it was 1am, guests were leaving, people were going to bed, and the week was basically over. Probably the quickest and most fun week of my life.
Saturday morning we packed up and left, and Teens and I drove 17 hours straight back to Kansas. Yes, it was an absolute nightmare, thanks for asking.
More pictures are popping up here and there, and once we get our official photos from our photographer, I'll probably do a picture post of the wedding day, since you gotta give the people what they want.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Wedding Week, Part I: Hell Yes I'll Have Another Beer, I'm On Vacation Here!
FRIDAY
Teens and I drive to St. Louis after work. It was *supposed* to be our only sober night....but then BroMo texted me while we were driving and asked us if he and Jess should whip us up some homemade mint juleps. What, am I gonna say no to that? So after we arrived and I quickly finished two juleps of my own, Jess and Teens decided they didn't like theirs (I admit, it's not a tasty beverage your first time, your virgin ride is a little rough) so pretty soon I was four mint juleps and three beers deep. Oh well. Can't be drunk all vacation if you're not drunk the first night.
SATURDAY
Back in the car and feeling good about things, Teens and I drive all morning and stop in Memphis for lunch. If you're ever in Memphis, do yourself a favor and go to Gus's Fried Chicken. It was practically life-altering. There was a loooong wait, but it was worth it-- plus they serve 40's and let you take them out on the sidewalk while you're waiting. Fried chicken and 40's?!?!?!?! Hello, Wheelhouse? I'd like to introduce you to Gus's Fried Chicken. I believe he's supposed to be inside of you.
After lunch we poured ourself back in the car, with about 5 hours to go until New Orleans. With a belly full of fried chicken, my driving shift done for the day, and the Kentucky Derby rapidly approaching, I knew it was time for some road beers. Although my horse didn't win this year, and the Budweisers were nowhere near "cold", I rode into the Big Easy guns blazin'. It was already 9:30, so we just parked it straight in the middle of the French Quarter and started walking around. In 3.5 hours, we accomplished about everything we set out to do: we walked all over downtown and the Quarter, took a rickshaw ride, drank Hurricanes, ate Po' Boys, walked down the part of Bourbon Street where all the bros are throwing beads and yelling at girls to show their tits (Teens didn't, but I wouldn't have held it against her- we're on vacation!) and spent five bucks on a shitty R&B cd from some street performer. Then we went and checked in at our shitbag hotel (sorry, Teens, but the cheapest room in the French Quarter was $575 for one night, and Daddy's horse didn't win the Derby this year.....our budget just shrank), slept for a couple of hours, and hit the road at 7 the next morning.
"You got one eye....you got Chubs' hand!!!!" I thought this was HILARIOUS after a bunch of road beers and a New Orleans-style Hurricane. Like, seriously hilarious. I was cracking myself up for like 15 minutes.
Side note: New Orleans was EXACTLY how I pictured it to be. There was never one second where it didn't feel like we were smack in the middle of N'awlins. I love it when that happens-- when the first time you visit somewhere, it feels exactly like it should feel, based on what you've seen and heard of it. Quick top 5 on cities I've been to that "feel just like I imagined them": 1) New Orleans, 2) San Francisco, 3) Boston, 4) Seattle, 5) Augusta, GA. Friends: let's take a Bro Trip to New Orleans someday.
SUNDAY
Back in the car for the last four hours. The anticipation was excruciating; at least the drive was beautiful. Once we hit Florida, I checked off my 45th state in the lower 48. All that's left now for me now are Maine, Vermont, and New Hampshire....so in other words, I'll probably go to my deathbed having only seen 45 states.
We got set up at the beach house, unpacked, and lounged around the pool with my parents, Brother, and Alyssa, all who arrived the day before. Basically, we just enjoyed the quiet before the cavalry started arriving that evening. First it was Easy E, LZE, Fundy and Smapes. Then Emily, Darcy, and their kids. Momma S was next, and soon a quiet evening turned into a few-hundred-dollar liquor store run and playing drinking games until the wee hours. Before the week started, we decided we would vote on an MVP every night. It was originally going to be called the Drunkard of the Day, but we didn't like the negative connotations attached to that word, so we went with MVP. In an upset, Smapes strolled in and won it on the first night.
MONDAY
Teens and I had to go pick up our wedding license at the county clerk's office about 20 minutes away that morning. I figured it would be an in-and-out affair, so I was wearing my very best fedora, swim trunks, douchebag sunglasses, and a brand-new tank top featuring Darth Vader holding a surfboard (thanks Easy E) when all of a sudden the county clerk asked us to raise our right hands and repeat after her. It was quite a scene: me looking like Hunter S. Thompson crossed with Carson Daly at MTV Spring Break '99, Teens hung to the gills and taken totally by surprise, and people in the background in different lines screaming about restraining orders and whatnot. Totally romantic.
Speaking personally, my favorite moment of the afternoon might've been when we were lounging around in the pool, and Easy E went to the 2nd story deck and recited this little beauty from one of the most underrated 80's movies ever, Cocktail:
Paul, Manada, and Brianca joined the fray that day, and after a huge seafood dinner, Monday night shaped up a lot like Sunday. Lots of bullshitting, people meeting people, and drinking games. Fundy looked like he had MVP wrapped up (he called his server Queen Latifah when she was within earshot, we called him out on it, and he responded "Whatever, I'm never going to see these fuckers again!"; and his two rules for our women were "No bras tonight, and pooping only in the morning!") However, Emily, who had put the kids to bed early the night before and didn't get to join us, came out firing starting at about midnight and stole the MVP from Fundy after he went to bed. I also missed a lot of it, but I was assured by everyone who stayed up "OH YES, Emily deserves the MVP." Paul and I recreated Walsh Hall 202A and slept in the bunkbed room together. It was very nice and felt comfortable, but left me feeling a bit wistful, and that maybe the moment had passed us by. Like sleeping with an old girlfriend after a few years of being apart.
TUESDAY
Tuesday morning was the first day of me being unable to sleep past 5:15am. This trend would continue through the rest the week. Not cool. The plus was that I got to sit on the deck, eat a leisurely breakfast, and enjoy the ocean and tranquility of a beach morning. The minuses were literally everything else. YEAH, THE WAVES ARE BEAUTIFUL. CAN I GO BACK TO BED FOR A BIT? WE DON'T TEE OFF FOR ANOTHER FIVE HOURS.
We played our first round of golf in Florida, at a course that we would find out later in the week was the home course of OJ Simpson. I was all set to make a million "Yeah, we didn't see him golfing that day-- he must've been out trying to find the real killer" jokes, but then I remembered he's in jail right now. Dammit OJ. The round went about how it would go the whole week: pretty mediocre, flashes of brilliance, awesome scenery, and ball after ball after ball lost in the water. This wasn't like Kansas or North Dakota courses, where you can spray a drive and just go find it in the woods. At least 14 of 18 holes had water of some sort.
After golf, we chilled out in the ocean and pool (chilling out means that most people were only steadily drinking, rather than getting completely housed...basically if you didn't hit double-digit drinks until dinner time, you felt like you were ahead of the game). We picked up JonJon, Amanda, Schne, and Katie from the airport; Teens' bridesmaid Kaylee and her fiancee Bird arrived alive; and we kept on truckin' that night. Bird pulled a classic "I'm so excited that it's my first night of vacation, watch me drink ALL the beers!" move, and won MVP rather convincingly. He may have ended up in Kaylee's doghouse, and we didn't see him until about 4 the next afternoon....but that's a small price to pay to nab the MVP award your first night, in my opinion.
Coming next week: Part II.
Teens and I drive to St. Louis after work. It was *supposed* to be our only sober night....but then BroMo texted me while we were driving and asked us if he and Jess should whip us up some homemade mint juleps. What, am I gonna say no to that? So after we arrived and I quickly finished two juleps of my own, Jess and Teens decided they didn't like theirs (I admit, it's not a tasty beverage your first time, your virgin ride is a little rough) so pretty soon I was four mint juleps and three beers deep. Oh well. Can't be drunk all vacation if you're not drunk the first night.
SATURDAY
Back in the car and feeling good about things, Teens and I drive all morning and stop in Memphis for lunch. If you're ever in Memphis, do yourself a favor and go to Gus's Fried Chicken. It was practically life-altering. There was a loooong wait, but it was worth it-- plus they serve 40's and let you take them out on the sidewalk while you're waiting. Fried chicken and 40's?!?!?!?! Hello, Wheelhouse? I'd like to introduce you to Gus's Fried Chicken. I believe he's supposed to be inside of you.
After lunch we poured ourself back in the car, with about 5 hours to go until New Orleans. With a belly full of fried chicken, my driving shift done for the day, and the Kentucky Derby rapidly approaching, I knew it was time for some road beers. Although my horse didn't win this year, and the Budweisers were nowhere near "cold", I rode into the Big Easy guns blazin'. It was already 9:30, so we just parked it straight in the middle of the French Quarter and started walking around. In 3.5 hours, we accomplished about everything we set out to do: we walked all over downtown and the Quarter, took a rickshaw ride, drank Hurricanes, ate Po' Boys, walked down the part of Bourbon Street where all the bros are throwing beads and yelling at girls to show their tits (Teens didn't, but I wouldn't have held it against her- we're on vacation!) and spent five bucks on a shitty R&B cd from some street performer. Then we went and checked in at our shitbag hotel (sorry, Teens, but the cheapest room in the French Quarter was $575 for one night, and Daddy's horse didn't win the Derby this year.....our budget just shrank), slept for a couple of hours, and hit the road at 7 the next morning.
Side note: New Orleans was EXACTLY how I pictured it to be. There was never one second where it didn't feel like we were smack in the middle of N'awlins. I love it when that happens-- when the first time you visit somewhere, it feels exactly like it should feel, based on what you've seen and heard of it. Quick top 5 on cities I've been to that "feel just like I imagined them": 1) New Orleans, 2) San Francisco, 3) Boston, 4) Seattle, 5) Augusta, GA. Friends: let's take a Bro Trip to New Orleans someday.
SUNDAY
Back in the car for the last four hours. The anticipation was excruciating; at least the drive was beautiful. Once we hit Florida, I checked off my 45th state in the lower 48. All that's left now for me now are Maine, Vermont, and New Hampshire....so in other words, I'll probably go to my deathbed having only seen 45 states.
We got set up at the beach house, unpacked, and lounged around the pool with my parents, Brother, and Alyssa, all who arrived the day before. Basically, we just enjoyed the quiet before the cavalry started arriving that evening. First it was Easy E, LZE, Fundy and Smapes. Then Emily, Darcy, and their kids. Momma S was next, and soon a quiet evening turned into a few-hundred-dollar liquor store run and playing drinking games until the wee hours. Before the week started, we decided we would vote on an MVP every night. It was originally going to be called the Drunkard of the Day, but we didn't like the negative connotations attached to that word, so we went with MVP. In an upset, Smapes strolled in and won it on the first night.
MONDAY
Teens and I had to go pick up our wedding license at the county clerk's office about 20 minutes away that morning. I figured it would be an in-and-out affair, so I was wearing my very best fedora, swim trunks, douchebag sunglasses, and a brand-new tank top featuring Darth Vader holding a surfboard (thanks Easy E) when all of a sudden the county clerk asked us to raise our right hands and repeat after her. It was quite a scene: me looking like Hunter S. Thompson crossed with Carson Daly at MTV Spring Break '99, Teens hung to the gills and taken totally by surprise, and people in the background in different lines screaming about restraining orders and whatnot. Totally romantic.
Speaking personally, my favorite moment of the afternoon might've been when we were lounging around in the pool, and Easy E went to the 2nd story deck and recited this little beauty from one of the most underrated 80's movies ever, Cocktail:
Paul, Manada, and Brianca joined the fray that day, and after a huge seafood dinner, Monday night shaped up a lot like Sunday. Lots of bullshitting, people meeting people, and drinking games. Fundy looked like he had MVP wrapped up (he called his server Queen Latifah when she was within earshot, we called him out on it, and he responded "Whatever, I'm never going to see these fuckers again!"; and his two rules for our women were "No bras tonight, and pooping only in the morning!") However, Emily, who had put the kids to bed early the night before and didn't get to join us, came out firing starting at about midnight and stole the MVP from Fundy after he went to bed. I also missed a lot of it, but I was assured by everyone who stayed up "OH YES, Emily deserves the MVP." Paul and I recreated Walsh Hall 202A and slept in the bunkbed room together. It was very nice and felt comfortable, but left me feeling a bit wistful, and that maybe the moment had passed us by. Like sleeping with an old girlfriend after a few years of being apart.
TUESDAY
Tuesday morning was the first day of me being unable to sleep past 5:15am. This trend would continue through the rest the week. Not cool. The plus was that I got to sit on the deck, eat a leisurely breakfast, and enjoy the ocean and tranquility of a beach morning. The minuses were literally everything else. YEAH, THE WAVES ARE BEAUTIFUL. CAN I GO BACK TO BED FOR A BIT? WE DON'T TEE OFF FOR ANOTHER FIVE HOURS.
We played our first round of golf in Florida, at a course that we would find out later in the week was the home course of OJ Simpson. I was all set to make a million "Yeah, we didn't see him golfing that day-- he must've been out trying to find the real killer" jokes, but then I remembered he's in jail right now. Dammit OJ. The round went about how it would go the whole week: pretty mediocre, flashes of brilliance, awesome scenery, and ball after ball after ball lost in the water. This wasn't like Kansas or North Dakota courses, where you can spray a drive and just go find it in the woods. At least 14 of 18 holes had water of some sort.
After golf, we chilled out in the ocean and pool (chilling out means that most people were only steadily drinking, rather than getting completely housed...basically if you didn't hit double-digit drinks until dinner time, you felt like you were ahead of the game). We picked up JonJon, Amanda, Schne, and Katie from the airport; Teens' bridesmaid Kaylee and her fiancee Bird arrived alive; and we kept on truckin' that night. Bird pulled a classic "I'm so excited that it's my first night of vacation, watch me drink ALL the beers!" move, and won MVP rather convincingly. He may have ended up in Kaylee's doghouse, and we didn't see him until about 4 the next afternoon....but that's a small price to pay to nab the MVP award your first night, in my opinion.
Coming next week: Part II.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
WIGGINS!
A classic case that does a good job of spelling out where my life priorities lie most of the time:
Andrew Wiggins, by most accounts the best high school basketball prospect since LeBron, announced this morning that he would be attending The University of Kansas. Shortly after, my buddy Lanny (one of the guys I share KU season tickets with) popped into my office to say what up. He hadn't seen me since the wedding, so understandably, the first thing he said was "Congratulations!"
To which I responded "I know dude! WIGGINS!"
In my defense, it was only about 20 minutes after the announcement, so I was still on my Wiggins high. But seriously, at that moment, I had absolutely no idea why else Lanny would be congratulating me. Dude, my wedding was DAYS ago, quit living in the past! It's Wiggins Day today!
The other awesome part was that Lanny hadn't heard about Wiggins yet, so I had just broken the news to him. His facial expression was priceless; I think he would've had less of a reaction if I had told him I got left at the altar.
Anyway, moral of the story: my wedding was the biggest event in my life...for three days. Now it's back to my normal life, which constitutes caring way too much about sports. Wiggins, you never returned your RSVP.....but you sure did come through with a great wedding gift!
Monday, May 13, 2013
P.V.B.
Also known as Post Vacation Blues. I've got them bad today. It was an unbelievable week, and now I'm paying for it mentally (being bummed out that I have no idea when, if ever, I'll have that many friends in the same place, at the same time, in that nice of a location, for that long); physically (I never slept more than three hours in a night, never had less than six drinks in a day, and the morning after the wedding we drove 17 hours straight back to Kansas); and literally (the value of money has ceased to hold any meaning at this point...let's just say I picked a bad year to not hit the winner of the Kentucky Derby).
In short, I am a shell of a human being right now.
In the upset of the century, I was starting to get choked up during my speech, while Teens, who cries 3-5 times during any given episode of Teen Mom 2, somehow didn't cry at all during the ceremony or speeches. As a result, I cut myself off and got the hell off the stage, and as a result didn't get to properly thank the following groups of people:
- Everybody who helped out with general wedding stuff when it was not at all part of their duties: Jared, Smapes, Manada, LZE, Alyssa, Katie, Amanda-- as well as everyone who helped take down chairs, set up decorations, clean up tables, etc. etc. etc.
- Everybody who went above and beyone their duties: My parents were champs last week. Moms held shit down all week, and the Big Fella never hesitated to chauffeur people when he could've been laying by the pool instead. Lane did a fantastic job officiating; he should definitely look into that as a career option. Schne and JonJon had plenty of responsibilities as ushers, and with a little help from their women and a lot of hustle, knocked it out of the park.
- All the wedding party and guests: a lot of times you look at pictures of destination weddings and you see like 8 people there....let's just say we were extremely blessed. You guys are all awesome.
***************
I'll try to throw some stories together later this week....I just need a couple days to focus on not dying from Florida withdrawal. Yesterday I put on my swim trunks, made myself a marg, poured a couple buckets of salt into the small creek that runs behind my house, and tried to re-create drinking and swimming in the ocean....didn't quite work out. Worth a shot though.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Rejected Wedding Ideas
I was not the typical male during the wedding planning. I wasn't the guy who doesn't plan a thing, and just lets the woman do it all (cough, Fundy, cough) and I wasn't the guy who was given some small responsibilities, screwed them up, and had my remaining responsibilities taken from me (cough, Horp, cough). I was very involved through pretty much the whole process-- except for decorations; I don't play that shit, son. I'm an idea man, I thrive on enthusiasm. And Teens has been a GREAT sport. We are actually using some of my mildly off-the-wall ideas: having Lane be our officiant; engraving the word 'UNITY' onto my wedding ring; using the Masters theme song while people are being seated; and a few other small Easter eggs that will provide a chuckle or two when they happen-- HINT: Wedding Crashers, Workaholics, and Jim Nantz are all being quoted within our ceremony/programs. However, some ideas, unfortunately, fell by the wayside. Some of the rejected ideas:
IDEAS THAT I COULDN'T GET TEENS TO SIGN OFF ON:
- Registering for presents on Craigslist. Can you imagine seeing that on an invitation? "The couple is registered at Target, Bed Bath & Beyond, and the 'Farm + Garden' section of Craigslist- Kansas City." Shit, you'd get some awesomely weird presents. And yeah, it would totally open the door to my friends ordering me a bunch of Man-On-Man Casual Encounters, but it would be totally worth it. YOLO, bro.
- While registering, putting a note on the registry that says "Buy me Bonestorm or go to hell!" This is one of my all-time favorite quotes from The Simpsons, and I used it on my parents for countless Christmases....but somehow I can't find it on youtube. If you don't know it, you'll just have to imagine it. And/or watch more Simpsons episodes.
- Invite Ron Barr. Mr. Barr has been a big part of my life, all the way back to the days when he was imparting his insightful wisdom on old-school Sega games like NHL '94, Bill Walsh College Football, and many others. Back in our freshman year of college, I called into his radio show to invite him to my family's Thanksgiving dinner, but after accepting on-air, he pulled a no-show. I forgave him, and promised him I'd invite him to my wedding, whenever the big day came. But alas, it was not to be.
IDEAS THAT I'M PRETTY SURE I COULD GET TEENS TO SIGN OFF ON, BUT COULDN'T MAKE HAPPEN DUE TO GETTING MARRIED ON A BEACH OR OTHER REASONS:
- Having one of those picture montages before dinner, with various pictures of the bride and groom, and the wedding party, or old pictures from college, childhood, etc. etc., you know what I'm talking about.....only set to One Shining Moment. Taking it one step further, I've always thought it would be funny if a couple would take a bunch of random pictures of themselves playing basketball against each other, and playing a One Shining Moment montage. Somebody do that for me before I die.
- Pre-recording the wedding party introductions in the style of how TV introduces offenses and defenses during football telecasts. I'm sure that's not an original idea; I just haven't seen it done personally. That would be pretty sweet. "Easy E. Co-best Man. THE University of North Dakota."
- Having my ushers be JonJon and Finn, just so I'd have a 7-footer and a 2-footer next to each other for pictures. I ultimately decided against it because my only reasoning for it would be to punish JonJon for not giving me or Horp friendship paragraphs in the program when we ushered his wedding a couple years ago (I'm a petty, petty man...but not that petty) and because I'm not sure giving a preschooler that many responsibilities is a great idea. The work ethic on three-year-olds leave a lot to be desired.
VARIOUS INTRODUCTIONS THAT WOULD BE AWESOME BUT WERE NOT ALLOWABLE FOR OBVIOUS REASONS:
There are at least a dozen worthy nominations for wrestling introductions that I can think of, but I narrowed it down to these three:
- If it was the year 1997 or 1998, and I randomly yelled out "OHHHH, YOU DIDN'T KNOW?!?!?!" and you were within earshot, but didn't immediately respond with "YO' ASS BETTER CALLLLLLLL SOMEBODYYYYYYY!!!!!!".....then chances are that you weren't a very close friend of mine. That's just a fact about my life in 1997 and 1998.
- There are a multitude of reasons why it would be awesome to have turnbuckles set up next to the altar (or maybe just get married in a wrestling ring? Ohhhhh snaps I think we're on to something here!) but the #1 reason would probably be so that Teens and I could climb up and give the audience some crotch chops and spit water on them. Yo, Grandma Doris! If you're not down with DX, then we got two words for ya! SUCK IT!!!!!
(Also, I've always thought the DX song was legitimately good. If you blindfolded me and spun me around in a circle three times really fast, I'm pretty sure I'd think that was performed by Rage Against the Machine).
- Chris Jericho's entrance would be perfect if I was trying to interrupt somebody, as exemplified in the above video with The Rock. I could wait until Teens is walking down the aisle, then fire up the Y2J countdown, come out from behind a curtain and stand with my back to the audience, letting the anticipation build, and finally announcing myself with a "Welcome to RAW....IS....JERICHO!" all while Jerry Lawler and good ol' JR yell in confusion and fear.
Wait, did you really think I'd keep it narrowed to only three wrestling entrances? Shame on you. Here's another:
- The nWo theme would be ideal if me and all my boys came out at once. nWo entrances were the best. It was always such a process. First they'd slowly mosey out from behind the curtain. They they'd mug for the camera, casually stroll down the aisle taunting fans, wander around the ring, flicking toothpicks, throwing up the nWo hand sign, and just being general shitbags....and then Hogan or Nash or someone would grab the microphone and talk shit for another 15 minutes, while the others (up to that point, no wrestler ever had more than one person accompany them to the ring...nWo popularized bringing like nine dudes out, for no reason at all) smirked, laughed, and continued to talk trash to the crowd....you could literally go half an hour without seeing anybody wrestle. Those were the best.
- OK no more wrestling intros. What about this one: Coming out like Puff Daddy & Sting at the '97 VMAs. Lane, as the Officiant, would be Sting. I'd be Puff Daddy. I have this song on my iPod. Teens will be 50 yards away, preparing herself to walk down the aisle, and powerless to stop me. And have you SEEN my Puff Daddy dance? It's on point, son. You know what? I'm not ready to give up on this one. File this one under 'The dream isn't dead yet.'
POTENTIAL SONGS FOR OUR FIRST DANCE THAT WERE SHOT DOWN:
"Boom! Shake the Room" by Will Smith
One Shining Moment (I have no idea how to dance to this song-- in fact, I have no idea how to react to this song besides slumping in my chair and crying a little bit-- I just really want this song involved somehow)
Apache by the Tommy Seebach Band
Return of the Mack by Mark Morrison
Too Legit To Quit by MC Hammer
Shake Your Body (Down to the Ground) by Michael Jackson (skip to the 1:50 mark and thank me later for the awesome synchronized dancing scene. Fuck this song is awesome.)
Poison by Bell Biv Devoe
***************
And so there we go. We hit the road tonight, stay a night in St. Louis, mosey down to New Orleans and have a little pre-wedding honeymoon Saturday, and arrive in Florida on Sunday. Then friends are going to start arriving, I'm going to booze and golf and lay by the beach and probably forget the reason why I'm even there in the first place....and then we'll get married on Friday.
Lastly, to answer a popular series of questions:
No, I'm obviously not attending the Kentucky Derby this weekend
Yes, I'm pretty bummed about it
No, not so bummed that it's affecting my excitement for the wedding
I'm betting on Goldencents at 8-1 to win (it's Rick Pitino's horse, I met him a couple years ago at Derby and he seemed like a cool guy, and in Will Ferrell Zoolander voice: "That Pitino is so hot right now").
Yes, I'll be back with a vengeance at the 2014 Derby.
Later skaters.
IDEAS THAT I COULDN'T GET TEENS TO SIGN OFF ON:
- Registering for presents on Craigslist. Can you imagine seeing that on an invitation? "The couple is registered at Target, Bed Bath & Beyond, and the 'Farm + Garden' section of Craigslist- Kansas City." Shit, you'd get some awesomely weird presents. And yeah, it would totally open the door to my friends ordering me a bunch of Man-On-Man Casual Encounters, but it would be totally worth it. YOLO, bro.
- While registering, putting a note on the registry that says "Buy me Bonestorm or go to hell!" This is one of my all-time favorite quotes from The Simpsons, and I used it on my parents for countless Christmases....but somehow I can't find it on youtube. If you don't know it, you'll just have to imagine it. And/or watch more Simpsons episodes.
- Invite Ron Barr. Mr. Barr has been a big part of my life, all the way back to the days when he was imparting his insightful wisdom on old-school Sega games like NHL '94, Bill Walsh College Football, and many others. Back in our freshman year of college, I called into his radio show to invite him to my family's Thanksgiving dinner, but after accepting on-air, he pulled a no-show. I forgave him, and promised him I'd invite him to my wedding, whenever the big day came. But alas, it was not to be.
IDEAS THAT I'M PRETTY SURE I COULD GET TEENS TO SIGN OFF ON, BUT COULDN'T MAKE HAPPEN DUE TO GETTING MARRIED ON A BEACH OR OTHER REASONS:
- Having one of those picture montages before dinner, with various pictures of the bride and groom, and the wedding party, or old pictures from college, childhood, etc. etc., you know what I'm talking about.....only set to One Shining Moment. Taking it one step further, I've always thought it would be funny if a couple would take a bunch of random pictures of themselves playing basketball against each other, and playing a One Shining Moment montage. Somebody do that for me before I die.
- Pre-recording the wedding party introductions in the style of how TV introduces offenses and defenses during football telecasts. I'm sure that's not an original idea; I just haven't seen it done personally. That would be pretty sweet. "Easy E. Co-best Man. THE University of North Dakota."
- Having my ushers be JonJon and Finn, just so I'd have a 7-footer and a 2-footer next to each other for pictures. I ultimately decided against it because my only reasoning for it would be to punish JonJon for not giving me or Horp friendship paragraphs in the program when we ushered his wedding a couple years ago (I'm a petty, petty man...but not that petty) and because I'm not sure giving a preschooler that many responsibilities is a great idea. The work ethic on three-year-olds leave a lot to be desired.
VARIOUS INTRODUCTIONS THAT WOULD BE AWESOME BUT WERE NOT ALLOWABLE FOR OBVIOUS REASONS:
There are at least a dozen worthy nominations for wrestling introductions that I can think of, but I narrowed it down to these three:
- If it was the year 1997 or 1998, and I randomly yelled out "OHHHH, YOU DIDN'T KNOW?!?!?!" and you were within earshot, but didn't immediately respond with "YO' ASS BETTER CALLLLLLLL SOMEBODYYYYYYY!!!!!!".....then chances are that you weren't a very close friend of mine. That's just a fact about my life in 1997 and 1998.
- There are a multitude of reasons why it would be awesome to have turnbuckles set up next to the altar (or maybe just get married in a wrestling ring? Ohhhhh snaps I think we're on to something here!) but the #1 reason would probably be so that Teens and I could climb up and give the audience some crotch chops and spit water on them. Yo, Grandma Doris! If you're not down with DX, then we got two words for ya! SUCK IT!!!!!
(Also, I've always thought the DX song was legitimately good. If you blindfolded me and spun me around in a circle three times really fast, I'm pretty sure I'd think that was performed by Rage Against the Machine).
- Chris Jericho's entrance would be perfect if I was trying to interrupt somebody, as exemplified in the above video with The Rock. I could wait until Teens is walking down the aisle, then fire up the Y2J countdown, come out from behind a curtain and stand with my back to the audience, letting the anticipation build, and finally announcing myself with a "Welcome to RAW....IS....JERICHO!" all while Jerry Lawler and good ol' JR yell in confusion and fear.
Wait, did you really think I'd keep it narrowed to only three wrestling entrances? Shame on you. Here's another:
- The nWo theme would be ideal if me and all my boys came out at once. nWo entrances were the best. It was always such a process. First they'd slowly mosey out from behind the curtain. They they'd mug for the camera, casually stroll down the aisle taunting fans, wander around the ring, flicking toothpicks, throwing up the nWo hand sign, and just being general shitbags....and then Hogan or Nash or someone would grab the microphone and talk shit for another 15 minutes, while the others (up to that point, no wrestler ever had more than one person accompany them to the ring...nWo popularized bringing like nine dudes out, for no reason at all) smirked, laughed, and continued to talk trash to the crowd....you could literally go half an hour without seeing anybody wrestle. Those were the best.
- OK no more wrestling intros. What about this one: Coming out like Puff Daddy & Sting at the '97 VMAs. Lane, as the Officiant, would be Sting. I'd be Puff Daddy. I have this song on my iPod. Teens will be 50 yards away, preparing herself to walk down the aisle, and powerless to stop me. And have you SEEN my Puff Daddy dance? It's on point, son. You know what? I'm not ready to give up on this one. File this one under 'The dream isn't dead yet.'
POTENTIAL SONGS FOR OUR FIRST DANCE THAT WERE SHOT DOWN:
"Boom! Shake the Room" by Will Smith
One Shining Moment (I have no idea how to dance to this song-- in fact, I have no idea how to react to this song besides slumping in my chair and crying a little bit-- I just really want this song involved somehow)
Apache by the Tommy Seebach Band
Return of the Mack by Mark Morrison
Too Legit To Quit by MC Hammer
Shake Your Body (Down to the Ground) by Michael Jackson (skip to the 1:50 mark and thank me later for the awesome synchronized dancing scene. Fuck this song is awesome.)
Poison by Bell Biv Devoe
***************
And so there we go. We hit the road tonight, stay a night in St. Louis, mosey down to New Orleans and have a little pre-wedding honeymoon Saturday, and arrive in Florida on Sunday. Then friends are going to start arriving, I'm going to booze and golf and lay by the beach and probably forget the reason why I'm even there in the first place....and then we'll get married on Friday.
Lastly, to answer a popular series of questions:
No, I'm obviously not attending the Kentucky Derby this weekend
Yes, I'm pretty bummed about it
No, not so bummed that it's affecting my excitement for the wedding
I'm betting on Goldencents at 8-1 to win (it's Rick Pitino's horse, I met him a couple years ago at Derby and he seemed like a cool guy, and in Will Ferrell Zoolander voice: "That Pitino is so hot right now").
Yes, I'll be back with a vengeance at the 2014 Derby.
Later skaters.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Meet The Wedding Party
If we were doing an in-depth breakdown of the wedding party in the program, this is what my side would look like:
(Important note: the order of the Best Men will be determined by a half-court shot on a basketball court in Florida, in one of the last days leading up to the wedding. The argument between these two on who would be Best Man has raged on for almost half our lives now, even though I've told both of them for a solid decade now that I would never choose between them, and that it would be settled by half-court shots. The winner gets to stand next to me during the ceremony and give the first speech; the loser will still get a speech, but be subjected to ridicule by the other one for the next 60 years. I flipped a coin to see who would be listed first in the wedding program, and if you feel that coin flip was overkill....then you haven't been listening to these two fight it out since Justin Timberlake still looked like this).
Easy E, Co-Best Man- We've been friends since we were about seven years old. We've been basically as close as brothers since Day One. Most kids had one-night sleepovers; we would stay at each other's houses for days at a time. After logging approximately 8 million man-hours of hang-out time together, there is no argument we haven't had; no difference in opinion that we haven't spent hours hashing out-- whether it's who the hottest girl in our 4th grade class was (Nicole Jackson, holler at me) or who the most talented NBA team in the 90's to not win a championship was (1993 Phoenix Suns, in a close call over the 1996 Seattle SuperSonics and 1995 Orlando Magic.)
Paul, Co-Best Man- Paul and I have also been friends since the age of seven, but if you're comparing this friendship to my friendship with Easy, that's about where the similarities end. Whereas Easy and I fight and bicker like brothers, I'm not sure that Paul and I have even had a minor disagreement. There may have been one time in 1998 when he wanted to eat lunch at Wendy's and I wanted Taco John's, but that might be about it. When we were getting ready to move into the dorms together freshman year, our parents cautioned against it, saying that living together often destroys friendships. Four years later, when Paul graduated and moved out of Culligan Manor, we mitigated our separation anxiety by promising each other to someday buy a duplex together and raise our families under the same roof. Good call, Mom and Dad. Friendship totally ruined.
(Allow me to get mushy for a second: just before my junior year of high school, my dad got a spectacular job offer in Virginia, and it looked like my family was leaving North Dakota. I threw a typical teenager tantrum-- "You're not uprooting me with two years left of high school, I refuse to move to Virginia-- and by the way, we're out of Mountain Dew, why don't you pick up a case at Hugo's today?" In their desparation to get me on board, my parents said if their families would allow it, I could bring Paul and/or Easy E with me. Despite this meaning that their entire lives would be uprooted as well, both of them said yes, they'd move to Virginia with my family and I. Long story short, things fell through and we didn't move to Virginia anyway...but the point is, there is no way that one guy deserves TWO friends that were both willing to give up everything they knew at age 16 to move across the country for me.)
Brother, Groomsman- I still remember the day that my parents brought Brother home from the adoption agency like it was yesterday. I've loved him like he was my real brother ever since then, and I hope (but am not holding my breath) that he feels the same way. OK he's not really adopted, but still. I would guess most adopted brothers are more alike than we are. Brother truly is the son my dad always wanted-- hunting, training dogs, riding motorcycles, working on cars, being able to touch a live fish without squealing and possibly breaking out in tears, etc. I spent most of my free time with sports, video games, and thinking up ways to antagonize Brother next. (When I say 'spent' I really mean 'am still spending.')
1995 was an especially tough year for Brother....Tommy Boy came out, and this scene led me to race home from school, lock the door, and make Brother ring the doorbell so I could greet him at the door. Every day. For months on end. I literally haven't called him AJ since-- but when we did reference him as "AJ", we told people that the initals stood for "Another Jim." Has a Groomsman ever left the Groom at the altar before? It would be good payback for everything I've done to him over the years. Love you, Brother!
Fundy, Groomsman- Fundy and I have been friends since middle school, and shared a bedroom wall at Culligan Manor for four years in college. Some of our favorite activities include seeing how many beers we can drink while watching a single playoff baseball game on TV (we had a one-beer-per-half-inning minimum during the 2003 playoffs...things got ugly) and caring about college basketball way too much. I'd tell you more, but if you added up the cumulative amount of time we've really sat down and talked to each other over the last 18 years, it would probably only be about 35-45 minutes.
JonJon, Usher- JonJon is seven feet tall, and didn't give me a friendship paragraph in his program when I was in his wedding a couple years ago.
Schne, Usher- Schne and I have known each other since we were teammates in little league baseball, but weren't really friends until high school, since everyone knows it's a pretty bold move to be actual friends with someone from another school until you're at least 13. We both share an intense passion for Kansas Jayhawk basketball, the Kentucky Derby, and kickball games in the Walsh Hall Quad. Additionally, if it wasn't for Schne's music recommendations for the last decade, I would still be listening to MC Hammer and the Spice Girls (not that I don't still listen to them, but now I have a little more variety. You get it).
Lane, Officiant- When Lane and I went to 'rival' middle schools in Grand Forks and played against each other in sports, my friends and I thought he was the biggest idiot we had ever seen. It's nice to know that even after 15 years of friendship, I still feel the exact same way about him. Lane's turn-ons include physically and verbally abusing me-- but also being a truly great friend, so I can't ever stay mad at him. Having Lane officiate our wedding will either be one of the greatest decisions of my life, or the main reason why Teens will be googling "State of Florida annulment papers" the morning after the wedding.
Finn, Ring-Bearer/Hype Man- Finn enjoys the movie Cars, playing with toy cars from the movie Cars, video games based on the movie Cars, wearing fake tattoos of Cars characters, and running around the house yelling "Jimmmmmmm's getting married!!!" It is this last skill that I think provides a lot of value to the wedding. You know how Tupac was in the Digital Underground before he was famous? And he would mostly just be a dancer in the background or the guy who chimes in at the end of rhymes, but occasionally he got his own verse? But he was mostly just there to hype up the Underground? That's what I'm envisioning with Finn.
(Important note: the order of the Best Men will be determined by a half-court shot on a basketball court in Florida, in one of the last days leading up to the wedding. The argument between these two on who would be Best Man has raged on for almost half our lives now, even though I've told both of them for a solid decade now that I would never choose between them, and that it would be settled by half-court shots. The winner gets to stand next to me during the ceremony and give the first speech; the loser will still get a speech, but be subjected to ridicule by the other one for the next 60 years. I flipped a coin to see who would be listed first in the wedding program, and if you feel that coin flip was overkill....then you haven't been listening to these two fight it out since Justin Timberlake still looked like this).
Easy E, Co-Best Man- We've been friends since we were about seven years old. We've been basically as close as brothers since Day One. Most kids had one-night sleepovers; we would stay at each other's houses for days at a time. After logging approximately 8 million man-hours of hang-out time together, there is no argument we haven't had; no difference in opinion that we haven't spent hours hashing out-- whether it's who the hottest girl in our 4th grade class was (Nicole Jackson, holler at me) or who the most talented NBA team in the 90's to not win a championship was (1993 Phoenix Suns, in a close call over the 1996 Seattle SuperSonics and 1995 Orlando Magic.)
Paul, Co-Best Man- Paul and I have also been friends since the age of seven, but if you're comparing this friendship to my friendship with Easy, that's about where the similarities end. Whereas Easy and I fight and bicker like brothers, I'm not sure that Paul and I have even had a minor disagreement. There may have been one time in 1998 when he wanted to eat lunch at Wendy's and I wanted Taco John's, but that might be about it. When we were getting ready to move into the dorms together freshman year, our parents cautioned against it, saying that living together often destroys friendships. Four years later, when Paul graduated and moved out of Culligan Manor, we mitigated our separation anxiety by promising each other to someday buy a duplex together and raise our families under the same roof. Good call, Mom and Dad. Friendship totally ruined.
(Allow me to get mushy for a second: just before my junior year of high school, my dad got a spectacular job offer in Virginia, and it looked like my family was leaving North Dakota. I threw a typical teenager tantrum-- "You're not uprooting me with two years left of high school, I refuse to move to Virginia-- and by the way, we're out of Mountain Dew, why don't you pick up a case at Hugo's today?" In their desparation to get me on board, my parents said if their families would allow it, I could bring Paul and/or Easy E with me. Despite this meaning that their entire lives would be uprooted as well, both of them said yes, they'd move to Virginia with my family and I. Long story short, things fell through and we didn't move to Virginia anyway...but the point is, there is no way that one guy deserves TWO friends that were both willing to give up everything they knew at age 16 to move across the country for me.)
Brother, Groomsman- I still remember the day that my parents brought Brother home from the adoption agency like it was yesterday. I've loved him like he was my real brother ever since then, and I hope (but am not holding my breath) that he feels the same way. OK he's not really adopted, but still. I would guess most adopted brothers are more alike than we are. Brother truly is the son my dad always wanted-- hunting, training dogs, riding motorcycles, working on cars, being able to touch a live fish without squealing and possibly breaking out in tears, etc. I spent most of my free time with sports, video games, and thinking up ways to antagonize Brother next. (When I say 'spent' I really mean 'am still spending.')
1995 was an especially tough year for Brother....Tommy Boy came out, and this scene led me to race home from school, lock the door, and make Brother ring the doorbell so I could greet him at the door. Every day. For months on end. I literally haven't called him AJ since-- but when we did reference him as "AJ", we told people that the initals stood for "Another Jim." Has a Groomsman ever left the Groom at the altar before? It would be good payback for everything I've done to him over the years. Love you, Brother!
Fundy, Groomsman- Fundy and I have been friends since middle school, and shared a bedroom wall at Culligan Manor for four years in college. Some of our favorite activities include seeing how many beers we can drink while watching a single playoff baseball game on TV (we had a one-beer-per-half-inning minimum during the 2003 playoffs...things got ugly) and caring about college basketball way too much. I'd tell you more, but if you added up the cumulative amount of time we've really sat down and talked to each other over the last 18 years, it would probably only be about 35-45 minutes.
JonJon, Usher- JonJon is seven feet tall, and didn't give me a friendship paragraph in his program when I was in his wedding a couple years ago.
Schne, Usher- Schne and I have known each other since we were teammates in little league baseball, but weren't really friends until high school, since everyone knows it's a pretty bold move to be actual friends with someone from another school until you're at least 13. We both share an intense passion for Kansas Jayhawk basketball, the Kentucky Derby, and kickball games in the Walsh Hall Quad. Additionally, if it wasn't for Schne's music recommendations for the last decade, I would still be listening to MC Hammer and the Spice Girls (not that I don't still listen to them, but now I have a little more variety. You get it).
Lane, Officiant- When Lane and I went to 'rival' middle schools in Grand Forks and played against each other in sports, my friends and I thought he was the biggest idiot we had ever seen. It's nice to know that even after 15 years of friendship, I still feel the exact same way about him. Lane's turn-ons include physically and verbally abusing me-- but also being a truly great friend, so I can't ever stay mad at him. Having Lane officiate our wedding will either be one of the greatest decisions of my life, or the main reason why Teens will be googling "State of Florida annulment papers" the morning after the wedding.
Finn, Ring-Bearer/Hype Man- Finn enjoys the movie Cars, playing with toy cars from the movie Cars, video games based on the movie Cars, wearing fake tattoos of Cars characters, and running around the house yelling "Jimmmmmmm's getting married!!!" It is this last skill that I think provides a lot of value to the wedding. You know how Tupac was in the Digital Underground before he was famous? And he would mostly just be a dancer in the background or the guy who chimes in at the end of rhymes, but occasionally he got his own verse? But he was mostly just there to hype up the Underground? That's what I'm envisioning with Finn.
Friday, April 26, 2013
The Top 5. Volume 20.
As you may or may not know, I'm getting married in two weeks (no, not to Anna Kendrick). In honor of the momentous occasion, The Slice may be a bit wedding-themed until then. Fair warning.
Now, everyone knows the standard reasons for marrying a particular person. But what about the reasons behind the reasons? What about the little things? Here are my top 5 favorite "little things" that make Teens a fantastic future wife:
5. If we're driving home after a KU basketball game, and I need to stop and get chew, but Bill Self's post-game interview is still going on, when we pull into the gas station ,before I can even glance over at her and open my mouth, she'll run in and buy a tin for me.
4. After we officially settled on our wedding date being 5/10/13, the first thing she said was "Hey! We're getting married on Langford/Hinrich/Boschee Day!"
3. When she makes a liquor store run, and I ask her to pick me up a couple of 40's, I don't need to specify that I want a paper bag sleeve for each of them. She'll correct the liquor store employee if he forgets to include them.
2. During a Dudes Weekend that happens to occur during basketball season, when everyone is "checking in" with their wife/fiancee/significant other/booty call, I'll call Teens, we'll exchange pleasantries and how's-it-goings.....and then we'll end up talking about KU basketball for 10 minutes. More often than not, she brings it up before I do.
1. Her favorite sketch from Chappelle's Show is the Player Haters Ball. The hardest I've ever seen her laugh in our 2.5 years together is during the photo flip competition, when Chappelle, in reference to Rosie O'Donnell, says "I bet she wears underwear with dick holes!"
(To be fair, that line is so awesome that it makes everyone in the sketch break character and double over in laughter; Chappelle even cracks himself up....but it's still pretty awesome that my future wife cries laughing from it too.)
Now, everyone knows the standard reasons for marrying a particular person. But what about the reasons behind the reasons? What about the little things? Here are my top 5 favorite "little things" that make Teens a fantastic future wife:
5. If we're driving home after a KU basketball game, and I need to stop and get chew, but Bill Self's post-game interview is still going on, when we pull into the gas station ,before I can even glance over at her and open my mouth, she'll run in and buy a tin for me.
4. After we officially settled on our wedding date being 5/10/13, the first thing she said was "Hey! We're getting married on Langford/Hinrich/Boschee Day!"
3. When she makes a liquor store run, and I ask her to pick me up a couple of 40's, I don't need to specify that I want a paper bag sleeve for each of them. She'll correct the liquor store employee if he forgets to include them.
2. During a Dudes Weekend that happens to occur during basketball season, when everyone is "checking in" with their wife/fiancee/significant other/booty call, I'll call Teens, we'll exchange pleasantries and how's-it-goings.....and then we'll end up talking about KU basketball for 10 minutes. More often than not, she brings it up before I do.
1. Her favorite sketch from Chappelle's Show is the Player Haters Ball. The hardest I've ever seen her laugh in our 2.5 years together is during the photo flip competition, when Chappelle, in reference to Rosie O'Donnell, says "I bet she wears underwear with dick holes!"
(To be fair, that line is so awesome that it makes everyone in the sketch break character and double over in laughter; Chappelle even cracks himself up....but it's still pretty awesome that my future wife cries laughing from it too.)
Friday, April 19, 2013
Is This What Love Feels Like?
For all the jokes about Selena Gomez and Kristin Cavallari and fill-in-the-blank-here, it's girls like Anna Kendrick that Teens should really be worried about. Most of these Hollywood crushes are just based on looks....but I think I'm legitimately in love with Anna Kendrick. I want to take her back to North Dakota to meet my family and to express my intentions to marry her. Hell, I've already told my mom about her.
You gotta admit, Anna Kendrick-Hammonds has a nice ring to it. I don't even care that she wants to hyphenate it. That's the kind of unconditonal love we would have. Do you, boo. Do you.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Song Of 2013 So Far
I usually despise this genre of music-- which I don't even know the name of, I usually just call it "Timberlake and those d-bags"-- but this song is awesome. Frontrunner for my favorite song of 2013 so far. If this post has a lot typos$%*kseitldk h## in it, it's because it's really hard to type and dance at the same time. But damned if I'm not gonna try and do both.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
2013 All-Ugly Team
Hey, it's everyone's favorite post of the year: The All-Ugly Team!
(By "everyone", I mean that one time some dude from San Jose wrote me a lonnnnnnng and borderline creepy email about how much he looks forward to the All-Ugly Team every year. Thanks, guy! Glad my real name isn't associated with the blog anymore!)
(Also, thanks, as always, to everyone who gives me a shout throughout the season when they spot somebody ugly and want to make sure that they're on my radar. It's nice to have multiple sets of eyes on the ugly players in college basketball every year. My favorite submission this year was from Jenna, who called Kelly Olynyk from Gonzaga "a real ugly cuss." She's from Wyoming). Anyway, here we go:
BENCH:
Ryan Kelly, Duke. A starter on the 2012 team, he gets demoted this year because his beard really helps him out a lot. Also, even though it's unrelated to his looks, he gets bonus points for my favorite random moment of the season (non-KU division): after his comeback from the injury that had kept him out most of the season, when he came in and drilled his first shot and turned to the Duke student section and yelled "I STILL GOT IT!!!!" It's OK to be cocky if you're actually funny when you do it.
Brady Heslip, Baylor. Still white, unathletic, with crappy hair. Still does nothing but shoot 3's. Still gonna make the All-Ugly Team.
Ryan Broekhoff, Valparaiso. He looks like a middle-aged lesbian who, at all times, is super excited to be on a basketball court.
Marshall Plumlee, Duke. You know those football helmets that have have a bunch of extra padding to help prevent concussions? I know Mark Kelso of the Buffalo Bills used to wear one back in the day. That's what Marshall's skull reminds me of. I mean, it is just an absolute perfectly-shaped crown on top of that dome. I'm not even mad. That's amazing.
Josh Scott, Colorado. If it was me, during the 2012 Presidential Election, I probably would've mentioned the fact that Obama clearly fathered a child with a homeless lady 19 years ago. I dunno, maybe Romney didn't want to get into a mud-slinging contest. I'm not his campaign manager or anything.
Cody Ellis, Saint Louis. He constantly shows up late to his job behind the counter at the Quik Trip at 95th and Washington. He also has plenty of thoughts on Linkin Park, if you want to hear them. He thinks that the Hybrid Theory-era was totally overrated, and that "A Thousand Suns" is actually their best album, if you give it a chance.
Andre Almeida, Nebraska. Allow Kanye West to do this section for me:
That's right, put in work
Move yo' ass, go beserk
Eat yo' salad, no dessert
Get that man you deserve
STARTERS
Hugh Greenwood, New Mexico. My future brother-in-law does a tremendous impression of Hermie from Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, and I can't help but giggle every time I see Greenwood, as that impression rolls through my brain. "Why am I such a misfit? I am not just a nitwit!" Classic.
Mike Bruesewitz, Wisconsin. If his goal is NOT to look like Kyle Broflovski during the rare episode of South Park where they take their winter hats off....then I gotta be honest, I have no effing idea what he's trying to do with his hair.
(By "everyone", I mean that one time some dude from San Jose wrote me a lonnnnnnng and borderline creepy email about how much he looks forward to the All-Ugly Team every year. Thanks, guy! Glad my real name isn't associated with the blog anymore!)
(Also, thanks, as always, to everyone who gives me a shout throughout the season when they spot somebody ugly and want to make sure that they're on my radar. It's nice to have multiple sets of eyes on the ugly players in college basketball every year. My favorite submission this year was from Jenna, who called Kelly Olynyk from Gonzaga "a real ugly cuss." She's from Wyoming). Anyway, here we go:
BENCH:
Ryan Kelly, Duke. A starter on the 2012 team, he gets demoted this year because his beard really helps him out a lot. Also, even though it's unrelated to his looks, he gets bonus points for my favorite random moment of the season (non-KU division): after his comeback from the injury that had kept him out most of the season, when he came in and drilled his first shot and turned to the Duke student section and yelled "I STILL GOT IT!!!!" It's OK to be cocky if you're actually funny when you do it.
Brady Heslip, Baylor. Still white, unathletic, with crappy hair. Still does nothing but shoot 3's. Still gonna make the All-Ugly Team.
Ryan Broekhoff, Valparaiso. He looks like a middle-aged lesbian who, at all times, is super excited to be on a basketball court.
Marshall Plumlee, Duke. You know those football helmets that have have a bunch of extra padding to help prevent concussions? I know Mark Kelso of the Buffalo Bills used to wear one back in the day. That's what Marshall's skull reminds me of. I mean, it is just an absolute perfectly-shaped crown on top of that dome. I'm not even mad. That's amazing.
Josh Scott, Colorado. If it was me, during the 2012 Presidential Election, I probably would've mentioned the fact that Obama clearly fathered a child with a homeless lady 19 years ago. I dunno, maybe Romney didn't want to get into a mud-slinging contest. I'm not his campaign manager or anything.
Cody Ellis, Saint Louis. He constantly shows up late to his job behind the counter at the Quik Trip at 95th and Washington. He also has plenty of thoughts on Linkin Park, if you want to hear them. He thinks that the Hybrid Theory-era was totally overrated, and that "A Thousand Suns" is actually their best album, if you give it a chance.
Andre Almeida, Nebraska. Allow Kanye West to do this section for me:
That's right, put in work
Move yo' ass, go beserk
Eat yo' salad, no dessert
Get that man you deserve
STARTERS
Hugh Greenwood, New Mexico. My future brother-in-law does a tremendous impression of Hermie from Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, and I can't help but giggle every time I see Greenwood, as that impression rolls through my brain. "Why am I such a misfit? I am not just a nitwit!" Classic.
Mike Bruesewitz, Wisconsin. If his goal is NOT to look like Kyle Broflovski during the rare episode of South Park where they take their winter hats off....then I gotta be honest, I have no effing idea what he's trying to do with his hair.
Trevor Mbakwe, Minnesota. A proud graduate from the Shane Battier Ripple-Head School for Gentlemen. If it was like the X-Men school, then Battier would definitely be Professor X, Greg Oden would be Cyclops, and Mbakwe would maybe be Wolverine? Actually, Glenn Robinson III should be Wolverine, since he plays for Michigan. Mbakwe can be Iceman or Colussus or something.
Kelly Olynyk, Gonzaga. He was OK with Gonzaga's early exit from the tourney, because he plays bass for a really shitty garage band, and they need to practice. He has a friend whose uncle works in the music industry, and he heard that a bigshot from one of the major record labels is going to be in town this month. They need all the rehearsing they can get- if his band ever wants to get a record deal, they need to quit screwing around and start taking things seriously!
Deniz Kilicli, West Virginia. It's always a little sad saying goodbye to a four-year starter, and in this case, one of my favorite All-Ugly Team members of all-time. Good luck in your future endeavors, Deniz-- which hopefully include bipedalism, discovering fire, and eventually inventing the wheel.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Babysitting 101
If you have a little kid, and I happen to hang out with him, and there is a basketball hoop involved....the first thing I'm going to teach him is not going to be dribbling, or proper shooting form, or a defensive stance, or anything related to the fundamentals of the game. None of that. Without exception, the first lesson will be how to yell "GET OFF ME!" when throwing down a monster dunk. That, friends, is a Jum Hammonds Babysitting Guarantee.
(Also, if I may, I'd like to give myself props for my photography skills on the above picture. It's a tiny bit blurry because I blew up the size for the blog, but the timing was just immaculate. Finn was running across the driveway full speed when he was dunking, like MJ in the dunk contest, and I overcame my lack of iphone photography experience and caught the big fella right in mid-flush. He's got his elbow in the rim like Vince Carter, son! This should be on the cover of Sports Illustrated, with one of their classic play-on-words captions like "Finn-credible!" or "There's Only One Rule in the Leedahl Household: Finn Or Go Home").
Monday, April 1, 2013
You Punch One Of Us In The Balls, We'll Punch Your Fanbase In The Stomach
Another year, another catastrophic Kansas Jayhawk loss in the tournament. I surprised myself by how poorly I handled the loss, personally. I kinda thought those days were behind me. I didn't go sleep on a bridge in downtown Indianapolis or anything, but suffice it to say it was not a good night.
After another tournament loss like this, I feel like Lebowski yelling at Walter Sobchak, after Walter inadvertently throws Donny's ashes all over his face. "Everything's a fuckin' travesty with you, man!" During March Madness, why can't KU just get solidly outplayed and lose by like 8 or something? Why do they either have to lose to a team seeded 8 spots lower than them, or blow a 14-point lead with four minutes left, or go 12-30 from the free throw line and lose the championship by three points, or shoot 23% on layups and dunks and lose an Elite 8 game, or have a Final Four game where they lead by 12, then go down by 20, then cut it to 4, and ultimately lose by 10? Why must it always be a catastrophe?
I was completely prepared for a loss Friday evening. There would have been no shame in losing to a great Michigan team in the Sweet 16, one seed or no one seed. That is a stellar team. But nope, getting straight-up beaten is not the Kansas way. First, your hopes have to be raised up juuuust high enough so that they can shatter when they eventually hit the ground. And what was all that shit about Vietnam, Walter? What the FUCK does anything have to do with Vietnam?
Two other random thoughts:
- When I was younger, one of the biggest things that drove me nuts about Duke was their bench. If you pay attention to these kinds of things (and I know, it says something about me that I do) they always know IMMEDIATELY when a TV timeout is coming. It's like a radar is activated in their brains once the clock reaches under 16,12, 8, and 4 minutes left, because those walk-ons are up and walking onto the court for the timeout before the ref's whistle has even finished blowing. Always drove me crazy. Do they practice that? Does Coach K tell them that their playing time will be determined by who is up and off the bench first for TV timeouts? Is it a required skill to be a walk-on for Duke? Like, when they go in for tryouts, are they expecting to run drills and play pickup games, or does Coach K just go "OK guys, I want you all to sit on that bench over there, and I'm going to start this clock and have it count down to zero. After it goes below 16 minutes, I'm going to randomly blow my whistle, and the first one out of his seat makes the team." ??? Just baffling.
But then I realized that I'm the exact same way when I'm watching a game at a crowded bar, and bathroom lines can be an issue. I'm out of my seat and on my way to the bathroom before CBS even has a chance to play their NCAA basketball jingle and everyone else in the bar knows what's going on, and as a result I never have to wait in line to pee during big games. It's the little things, you know? Holler at me, Duke walk-ons.
- That KU-Michigan game, for Elijah Johnson, was a 10 on the karma scale. EJ gave Mitch McGary a pretty solid tap on the ballsack two minutes into the game (I could write 1,000 words on how and why that was stupid, but I'll just leave it at this) and then he went on to have probably the worst game of his life. You could make a case for one of the worst games in tournament history, once you factor in how it ended. His plus/minus for the game was probably about a -15, and it felt like a -60.
Just off the top of my head (I stayed off of social media for a few days, I haven't watched a highlight, and I haven't been able to bring myself to read an article about the game yet) with KU up 10 with like 90 seconds left, Elijah threw away a pass that lead directly to a breakaway layup for Michigan; got a 10-second violation that led to another basket; missed the front end of a 1-and-1 with 15 seconds left that led to Trey Burke's RIDICULOUS game-tying three pointer at the end of regulation; missed more shots in OT; and after driving all the way to the hoop, down two at the end of OT, for some reason made the decision to throw the ball all the way back out to the perimeter for a contested three-pointer. HOLY SHIT. And the sad part is, because of the nut-punching incident, there is no sympathy for Elijah. He'll go down as probably the biggest goat in KU history, unfortunately. Sad end to a career. Maybe don't hit another player in the swimsuit area next time, dude.
But hey, you know what? It's a beautiful spring day, the sun is shining, I'm getting married in a month....and it's Opening Day! Quick, raise your hand if your man-crush on Jackie Bradley Jr. is bigger than mine. Now everybody put your hands down, mine is definitely bigger.
After another tournament loss like this, I feel like Lebowski yelling at Walter Sobchak, after Walter inadvertently throws Donny's ashes all over his face. "Everything's a fuckin' travesty with you, man!" During March Madness, why can't KU just get solidly outplayed and lose by like 8 or something? Why do they either have to lose to a team seeded 8 spots lower than them, or blow a 14-point lead with four minutes left, or go 12-30 from the free throw line and lose the championship by three points, or shoot 23% on layups and dunks and lose an Elite 8 game, or have a Final Four game where they lead by 12, then go down by 20, then cut it to 4, and ultimately lose by 10? Why must it always be a catastrophe?
I was completely prepared for a loss Friday evening. There would have been no shame in losing to a great Michigan team in the Sweet 16, one seed or no one seed. That is a stellar team. But nope, getting straight-up beaten is not the Kansas way. First, your hopes have to be raised up juuuust high enough so that they can shatter when they eventually hit the ground. And what was all that shit about Vietnam, Walter? What the FUCK does anything have to do with Vietnam?
Two other random thoughts:
- When I was younger, one of the biggest things that drove me nuts about Duke was their bench. If you pay attention to these kinds of things (and I know, it says something about me that I do) they always know IMMEDIATELY when a TV timeout is coming. It's like a radar is activated in their brains once the clock reaches under 16,12, 8, and 4 minutes left, because those walk-ons are up and walking onto the court for the timeout before the ref's whistle has even finished blowing. Always drove me crazy. Do they practice that? Does Coach K tell them that their playing time will be determined by who is up and off the bench first for TV timeouts? Is it a required skill to be a walk-on for Duke? Like, when they go in for tryouts, are they expecting to run drills and play pickup games, or does Coach K just go "OK guys, I want you all to sit on that bench over there, and I'm going to start this clock and have it count down to zero. After it goes below 16 minutes, I'm going to randomly blow my whistle, and the first one out of his seat makes the team." ??? Just baffling.
But then I realized that I'm the exact same way when I'm watching a game at a crowded bar, and bathroom lines can be an issue. I'm out of my seat and on my way to the bathroom before CBS even has a chance to play their NCAA basketball jingle and everyone else in the bar knows what's going on, and as a result I never have to wait in line to pee during big games. It's the little things, you know? Holler at me, Duke walk-ons.
- That KU-Michigan game, for Elijah Johnson, was a 10 on the karma scale. EJ gave Mitch McGary a pretty solid tap on the ballsack two minutes into the game (I could write 1,000 words on how and why that was stupid, but I'll just leave it at this) and then he went on to have probably the worst game of his life. You could make a case for one of the worst games in tournament history, once you factor in how it ended. His plus/minus for the game was probably about a -15, and it felt like a -60.
Just off the top of my head (I stayed off of social media for a few days, I haven't watched a highlight, and I haven't been able to bring myself to read an article about the game yet) with KU up 10 with like 90 seconds left, Elijah threw away a pass that lead directly to a breakaway layup for Michigan; got a 10-second violation that led to another basket; missed the front end of a 1-and-1 with 15 seconds left that led to Trey Burke's RIDICULOUS game-tying three pointer at the end of regulation; missed more shots in OT; and after driving all the way to the hoop, down two at the end of OT, for some reason made the decision to throw the ball all the way back out to the perimeter for a contested three-pointer. HOLY SHIT. And the sad part is, because of the nut-punching incident, there is no sympathy for Elijah. He'll go down as probably the biggest goat in KU history, unfortunately. Sad end to a career. Maybe don't hit another player in the swimsuit area next time, dude.
But hey, you know what? It's a beautiful spring day, the sun is shining, I'm getting married in a month....and it's Opening Day! Quick, raise your hand if your man-crush on Jackie Bradley Jr. is bigger than mine. Now everybody put your hands down, mine is definitely bigger.
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