Giving Props To Props

It's everybody's favorite time of year:  Super Bowl prop bets!  And this year, after going 8-2 against the spread through the first three rounds of the NFL playoffs (my best postseason ever, since records started being kept in 1991) I have more money than usual to completely throw away on dumb bets. 

One of my favorite scenes in Heat is when De Niro gathers his crew together and asks them, one by one, if they want to continue with their planned heist, even though they're well aware that they're all over the radar of Pacino and his detectives.  They all say yes, and Tom Sizemore's answer is the best:  "Well, ya know, to me....the action IS the juice.  I'm in."  Just perfectly said.  When it comes to Super Bowl bets, I could really care less whether I win or lose.  The money is irrelevant.  The action IS the juice.

On to the bets:

Little known fact #1: I hate Beyonce.  She's annoying, I don't think she's good looking, and she almost single-handedly destroyed the third Austin Powers movie with all her "I'm Foxy Cleopatra, look how sassy I am" nonsense. 

Little known fact #2:  I LOVE me some Alicia Keys.  In fact, I'd put her at the top of my my knee-jerk top 5 Hottest Black Women list, which looks like this:

1.  A. Keys
2.  Stacey Dash
3.  TIE:  Halle Berry/Scary Spice circa 1997
4.  The chick working the 2am shift at Olympic Gardens on New Year's Eve 2006-2007
5.  Michelle Obama (POWER IS SEXY, BRO)

So anyway, it's interesting that they're paired together for this Super Bowl, A.Keys singing the National Anthem, Beyonce ruining the halftime show. 

I will be taking the under for Keys' National Anthem at 2 minutes, 5 seconds.  I'm taking the under on the Anthem for the first time in my life.  I don't really feel good about it.  Don't let me down, baby boo.

I'll be betting that Jay-Z comes out for a guest appearance at some point during halftime, because a)  he's the only thing that could possibly salvage this godforsaken halftime show, and b)  because it will be a tremendous amount of fun to celebrate the winning of that bet, should it come to pass.  Something like jumping out of my seat and yelling "You crazy for this one, Rick!  It's yo' boy!  HOV!" and doing a leaping shoulder bump with JDub, lighting a 20 dollar bill on fire, then using the burning 20-scrill to light a cigar.

I'm betting that Beyonce has her hair crimped, as opposed to straight.  Why not.  You can come out with it on fire for all I care, Bey'.  As much as I love the song "99 Problems", Jay-Z was sorely mistaken.  I'd say that of his 99 problems, a bitch is at least 51.

I'm taking Jason Dufner's 4th round score at the Waste Management Open -5.5 over Anquan Boldin's receiving yards.  I can just picture me and Duf hanging out now, and his reaction after I tell him about that bet.  He casually raises an eyebrow at me from behind the wheel of his '97 Jeep Wrangler (Duf always insists on driving when we hang out together), spits a long shot of Cope into his empty Keystone Light can, turns down the volume on his Lynyrd Skynyrd greatest hits CD, and tells me "That was a dumb bet, dude.  I'm going LOW on Sunday." 

As you can see, my man-crush on Dufner is reaching epic proportions.  I'm officially wandering into Single White Female territory here.

"But you're forgetting the funniest part of that scene!  After Kilmer and Sizemore give these long, thought-out, serious answers, De Niro asks Trejo what he thinks, and he answers in less than a second, 'Yeah, sure.  Let's do it.'  Fuckin' classic Trejo right there.  Hey, pass me the Cope, I'm gonna throw in a rub quick."



The Ravens will use a coaches' challenge first.  Both Harbaughs aren't afraid to throw a challenge or two, so it's gonna happen at some point for both teams.

The opening kickoff of the game will NOT result in a touchback.  This is a perfect example of a Tom Sizemore bet for me.  Yeah, there's not much chance of an actual kick return here.  Factoring in that they moved the kickoff yard line up last year, the game is being played in a dome, and the kicker's adrenaline of the opening friggin' kickoff of the Super Bowl will be through the roof, this will probably end up being booted through the back of the end zone.  But what fun is it to bet on that?  It's way more fun to watch the return man take those first couple of steps and realize he's going to take it out from seven yards deep in the end zone.  The action IS the juice.

No team will score in last two minutes of first half.  Couldn't turn down 3-1 odds on this one.

Lionel Messi will score more goals than Frank Gore has touchdowns.  I cashed this bet last year when Wayne Rooney got liquid twice and Brandon Jacobs got shut out of the end zone.  Let the soccer player vs. running back bets ride, son.  LET THEM RIDE.

Will both teams have a field goal over 33 yards?  No.  If there's one thing about this game that is crystal clear right now, it is that David Akers is absolutely TERRIFIED to attempt a field goal right now.

The first TD of the game will be scored by Randy Moss.  If you're not going to take a longshot here (Moss is 18-1) then why are you betting on this prop?   Grow up Peter Pan, Count Chocula.

Chris Bosh's points scored ends up being more than the largest lead of the Super Bowl for either team.  I think this game stays relatively close the whole way, so as long as Bosh puts up 15 or so, should be easy money, right?  Here is my annual "There's No Way This Cross-Sport Bet Can Possibly Lose, So Naturally, There's No Way This Bet Can Possibly Win" bet.  Every year, there is one cross-sport bet that looks too good to be true, and it usually isn't.  There's a lesson here somewhere, but I am firmly committed to never, ever, ever learning it.


Everybody have fun and be safe during your Super Bowl parties, and remember kids,

It's only a gambling "problem" if you're losing.

My Mom Hates Black People

Little background info:  I lent my parents my collection of The Wire DVDs.  Both of them enjoy that style of show, my Dad grew up in Baltimore, it's the best show in TV history....I thought they would fly through it.  In a true contrast between people in their late 20's and people in their late 50's...that has not exactly happened.  Last year, Teens and I finished all five seasons in about three weeks.  My parents have now had my DVDs for about 9 months-- and they'd still only be on Season 2 or 3, except I've started bugging my Moms lately to hurry up and finish the series so I can loan it to somebody else (note:  I don't have multiple Moms, I just like to say it and spell it like I'm a member of Run DMC or something.) 

Maybe if my parents weren't so busy watching quality shows like Two and a Half Men and calling in their votes for Dancing with the Stars, maybe they could get through The Wire a little faster, but that's neither here nor there.

Anyway, here was my update on their progress:

Me:  So how's The Wire going?

Moms:  Pretty good, we're about to finish season 4.  It's been a lot better since I figured out I can turn the subtitles on!  I can barely understand what they're saying half the time.

Me:  What?!?!  Whaddya mean, YOU PEOPLE?

Moms:  What are you talking about?  I didn't even use the phrase 'you people'.  I just have trouble understanding the slang on that show sometimes.

Me:  Oh snaps!  Omar comin', yo!

Moms:  OK, I'll talk to you later then.

The Couple That Creeps Together Stays Together

Who's creepier? 

Me, for legitimately wanting to see this movie because my boo Selena Gomez is not wearing what one would call an excessive amount of clothing at any point in this preview...





Or Teens, for following Paulina Gretzky on Instagram solely to stalk her pictures with Dustin Johnson (Paulina's new boyfriend and Teens' #2 after Channing Tatum) and express her feelings about said pictures-- which range anywhere from dismayed muttering that I don't think she realizes she is saying out loud, to exclamations like "Are you kidding me Dustin?!?!  You stay away from that WHORE, she has a WHORE FACE!!!"

To be honest, it's probably a race with ultimately no winner and two big losers.

But still, let's get serious, Dustin.  I have to side with Teens on this one, Paulina is a straight-up dirt job.  She may be the daughter of the greatest hockey player in history (besides Jeremy Roenick in NHL '94, of course) but if we're playing a word association game, when I hear her name, "Wayne" is not the first Gretzky I think of**.  You can do better, DJ.


**I put this in a footnote since only Grand Forks people will know who I'm talking about, but I would align Paulina more closely to "Gretzky", the grown man who used to hang around the elementary school warming houses and try (and fail) to dominate little kids in hockey-- hence the sarcastic Gretzky nickname.  One time Kauk tied him to a chair for two days after Gretzky pawned off Kauk's TV, and the city stepped in and said they couldn't live together anymore.  If that story is wrong then I don't want to be right.

What I Think About During Songs. Volume 6.

"These three words when you're gettin' busy...Whoomp!  There it is, hit me!"

Now I don't want to nitpick one of the greatest songs in music history.....but c'mon.  That's clearly four words, unless you're making "there't" a contraction, and I'm pretty sure that contraction doesn't exist, and there's a rule that says it can't exist.  Like you can't have a vowel immediately preceding a contraction that only has one consonant after the apostrophe.  Pretty sure that's it.  I had Mrs. Carney AND Mrs. Skinner back-to-back in 7th and 8th grade English, so I'm basically a juggernaut of the grammar game.  Kinda like the Jay-Z of grammar or something.  Whereas with this egregious grammar faux pas, Tag Team would be more like the Soulja Boy of the grammar game.  (Is it weird that I didn't just call them the Tag Team of the grammar game, since I'm using hip-hop artists for my metaphor anyway?  Maybe.  Whatever.  Watch the throne.)

This song has been involved in too many great moments of my life to straight-up hate on it....but still.  I've got these three words for you, Tag Team:  clean it up a little bit.

The Top 5. Volume 19.

Partly upon request, after Ben McLemore's buzzer beater the other night capped off a big KU comeback, set off a wild scene, and led to an overtime victory vs. Iowa St.-- and partly because I realized I've barely mentioned KU basketball yet this year.....the top 5 greatest KU games I've attended, whether at Phog Allen Fieldhouse or otherwise.

Honorable mentions:

- At UND, 2001:  When making the non-conference schedule, Roy Williams has always been big on giving seniors a chance to play close to home during their senior year.  For that I am truly grateful, because if Jeff Boschee wasn't from North Dakota, there is no way in a million years that KU ever comes up for a basketball game.  I was 19, and this was was my first look at KU in person.  I'll never forget it. 

(Neither will Jerome Beasley, who went nuts on KU and immediately jumped on the radar of NBA scouts everywhere.  Based largely on that game, he was actually drafted in '03 by Miami, but almost immediately flamed out and was soon playing Noonball with us on UND's campus.  In games to 15, he would score at least 12 of the points, with all of us hanging on his arms and back like six-year-olds playing against their dad in the driveway, and yet he claimed those were his "workouts to get him back in the League."  I don't know if he is still getting paid to play basketball anymore, but I do know that he spends time in jail from to time to time beause he owes hundreds of thousands in child support.  There's a lesson in there somewhere, and that lesson is related to how you spend your off-season if you're a professional basketball player.)

- Vs. Baylor, 2009.  My first time sitting in Zim's high-roller seats.  After only watching games from seats closer to the ceiling than to the floor, this game was eye-opening.  I'd give my remaining testicle for just one season of season tickets directly behind KU's bench.

- Vs. Ohio St., 2011.  Dude, I was all over ESPN that day.  Holler at me, Jay Bilas.

- Vs. Texas, 2011.  This might sound weird, since this is the only game that KU has lost at home since I moved here over five years ago, and the game that broke their 69-game home winning streak.  But it was still an experience.  Thomas Robinson's mom died unexpectedly the night before.  The whole team and coaching staff stayed up and consoled him all night, so they were going on zero hours of sleep coming into the 3pm game.  Kyle and I (and many others) knew what was going on since we were internet savvy, but I'd guess at least half the crowd had no idea what had happened until there was a moment of silence immediately before the game.  KU played their hearts out in probably the most emotionally charged game I've ever seen live (not including #1 on this list) but they didn't have enough in the end.  And not to blame this loss on T-Rob's mom dying or anything, but if that hadn't happened, KU would probably be sitting on a 101-game home winning streak right now.  That's almost as ridiculous as Bill Self having more consecutive conference titles than home losses in his KU career.  (If you're a non-KU fan, you're probably hovering your mouse over the red 'X' button on your Internet Explorer right now.  I promise, there's nowhere to go but up for this post.)

The top 5:

#5.  Vs. Missouri, 2009

I scalped a ticket to this game by myself, since they were retiring my all-time favorite Jayhawk Kirk Hinrich, and even though I couldn't find anyone willing to throw down money and go with me (Missouri games are NOT cheap) I couldn't forgive myself if I didn't go.  We absolutely destroyed Mizzou that day, and there ended up being a professional panoramic picture taken of the Fieldhouse crowd that day (this one, actually).  If you know where to look, and you look closely, you can see me standing up and throwing up the 3-ball sign that has since become insanely popular.  I ended up buying and framing that picture, and if you've been to my house even once, rest assured I've gone out of my way to point myself out in the crowd to you while you pretend like you're interested.  (I appreciate your faux-interest, by the way.)


#4.  Vs. Texas Tech, 2004
My first time at the Fieldhouse.  Pure magic.  I have AT LEAST seven or eight shitty photos from an old disposable camera to prove it.  Plus Bobby Knight got ejected and we got to taunt the shit out of him, so that was fun. 

But mostly magic.


#3.  Vs. Iowa St., 2013

Damn that game was fun.  There isn't the opportunity for many buzzer beaters at home for KU, but when there does happen to be one, we know what to do.  (For what it's worth, this is not my video below, but it does the job.)



Also, regarding Ben McLemore and how awesome he is and how much I love him even though he's guaranteed to be a one-and-done at this point....he could leave for the NBA right now, like TODAY, just say "Sup guys, I'm gonna go work out and just get ready for the draft for the next six months.  Kiss the rings, I'm out."  And I wouldn't even be mad at him.  I'd still remember him more fondly than Xavier Henry and Josh Selby combined.  You do you, Benny Mac.


#2.  Vs. Texas, 2008 (Big 12 title game in Kansas City)

Just an extrordinarily well-played game that kick-started KU's run to the National Championship.  (It's easy to forget for Jayhawk fans now, but if KU loses this game, Texas gets the last #1 seed, and suddenly instead of playing Davidson in the Elite 8, KU probably gets UCLA.)  Chalmers hit eight 3's, Rush had six, DJ Augustin tore KU's defense up, there was tons of trash talk both ways....just a fun game to watch.

Immediately afterwards, Kyle and I hopped in his car and were speeding back to Lawrence to catch the Selection Show, and we had a classic Terry (Kyle and Ben's dad) Moment.  Terry is a KU fan himself, and Kyle called him to see how he enjoyed the game (which, I can't stress enough, was the most well-played college basketball game I had ever seen, as well as the clincher for a Big 12 tournament title and a probable #1 seed.  A reason to be overjoyed, if there ever was one.)  Terry's immediate response?  "What the fuck was Brandon Rush doing on that inbounds play with 30 seconds left?  Somebody tell him to get his head out of his ass!" 

Classic.


#1.  Vs. Missouri, 2012

Unless they give Brady Morningstar another year of eligibility and he drops 100 points in a game, or I get called down at halftime and hit a halfcourt shot for a million dollars, or Jean-Claude Van Damme fights a terrorist disguised as a mascot and ends up saving the Fieldhouse from getting blown up as soon as the final buzzer sounds......until something like that happens, this game will probably never be topped for me.  Last game against our biggest rival (who KU has played every year since 1907) before they leave for the SEC; playing for the Big 12 regular season title; coming back from a 19-point second half deficit to win in OT.....just insanity.  Somebody offered me $900 cash before the game for my ticket, and I said no way.  I'll be honest, there was more than one occasion in the second half, when KU was getting killed, that I kinda wished I would've sold the ticket.  After the way it ended....$900 would've been a steal for that guy.  Bill Self was more fired up after this win than anything I've ever seen during March Madness, including the championship.

Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates...You Never Know If It's Gonna Get Swiped Off Your Desk

To give the necessary background info as quickly as possible: on December 26th, somebody in my department anonymously gave myself and the two other ladies whose desks are bullpen-style with mine in the office a box of chocolates for Christmas.  Only one of us was working that day, she noted that all three of us had chocolates, I showed up the next day, saw nothing but suspected nothing (since I didn't have any idea that chocolates had been given to me in the first place) then when the third office employee returned on the 31st and celebrated her anonymous chocolates with the other employee, I pointed out that I never got any, and we realized that mine had been stolen.  If you read that quickly, the details are somewhat confusing, but they're mostly unimportant anyway-- bottom line, there was a box of chocolates sitting on my desk at 5pm on December 26th, and they were gone by 8am on December 27th.

According to me and Encyclopedia Brown, there are really only four explanations:

1.  The anonymous gifter had a sudden change of heart and took the chocolates back
2.  The one person working in the office that day stole them
3.  An unrelated third party stole them
4.  The night janitor stole them

My rebuttals:

1.  Possible, but unlikely.  Your heart has shrunk three sizes that day if you're pulling that move.  You on some serious Grinch shit, son.

2.  Again possible, but unlikely.  Pulling a rip job where you steal something, knowing that the subject of the missing item will inevitably surface a week later, then acting surprised when it does and concocting the story of the disappearing item and deflecting your possible guilt at that point.....that's a level of fiendishness that I am unfamiliar with.

3.  Very doubtful.  There were only three or four regular staff working in the entire building that day, unless some faculty members came in at night to get some work done.

4.  Definitely the most likely scenario....

For some unexplained reason, me and the janitor got beef, yo.  (The janitors only recently switched to working overnights, so for the first 9 months or so at this job, we would regularly see the janitors during the day.)  I am generally nice to all strangers.  I smile and say hello to everyone I see in the hall, and if it's somebody I see regularly, I make an attempt to become at least small talk partners, if not genuine friends.  But from the start, this lady wasn't having it.  Her reply was usually a somewhat disdainful look in my direction and a "hello" through almost gritted teeth.  At first, I just thought she was anti-social, but that theory was thrown out when I noticed her being super-friendly and going out of her way to strike up conversations with the ladies in the office.  I started thinking about my own actions.  Have I ever littered in front of her, something that would she would take as a clear slap in the face?  No.  Not intentionally, anyway-- but it's not like I'm strolling down the hallways with garbage in my hands, so the possibility that I accidentally missed a garbage can while she was walking behind me is very remote.  Is my desk and surrounding area a disaster zone, that she hates to clean and, as an extension, makes her hate me?  Shouldn't be.  There are some occasional crumbs on the floor, since I almost always hammer my hot pockets at my desk...but no worse than anyone else in the office.  It's unexplainable, but she's just not that into me.

To be honest, I don't care that much about not getting the chocolates.  I'm not a huge chocoloate fan (the office ladies, who are well aware of my eating habits, immediately starting joking that if it was a bag of Doritos or a Chipotle burrito that got stolen instead of chocolates, I'd be contacting the campus police.  HA.  HA.)  But that doesn't mean I have to take this lying down.  It's the lack of respect that hurts the most.  Like I'm that sucka that can be stole from.  Yo, if she want beef, then I'll serve her a pork chop.  This thing is gonna end like Tupac and Biggie.  I feel like Snoop Dogg at the '95 Source Awards, except I'm yelling at the custodial staff.  Y'all don't love me?  Y'all ain't got no love for Jum Hammonds?  Well let it be known then!  I know where I'm at, I know y'all East Coast!





I mean, for real, if you're a janitor, and you're gonna screw around with stuff when nobody is around, at least solve some impossible math problems or something.  Shit.

That Ace Could Not Have Helped You

The other night Teens, Hendo, Willis and I were at Six Mile Tavern after the KU game and met Bird and Kaylee, both of whom are much younger than most of us.  After we had been there for awhile, Kaylee made a comment about how the clientele was a little bit on the older side.  To me, Six Mile doesn't have the feel of an "old person" bar.  There are no sad old men bellying up at 10am to drink their lives away all day.  It's not strictly a Happy Hour bar, where the atmosphere immediately starts dying down after 7 or 8 pm.  I think the oldest song I heard played was either Michael Jackson or Hall & Oates, and there was plenty of Tupac, Lil' Jon, Muse, and even some Gangnam Style (I held out for so long and didn't listen to that song, but I finally broke down a couple weeks ago, and now I'm part of the ONE BILLION people who have watched that youtube video.  It's not so bad.)

But as I looked around, I realized Kaylee was right-- for every table of college kids, there were at least two tables of people in their forties and up.  I hadn't even noticed; I guess the average age of the patrons doesn't even register for me now when I go to a bar.  And it immediately reminded me of Matt Damon's opening line from Rounders (which, coincidentally, is one of the greatest opening lines in movie history, but that's a list for another day):

"Listen, here's the thing.  If you can't spot the sucker in the first half hour at the table...then you ARE the sucker."


Listen, here's the thing.  If you sit down at a bar and don't notice it's an older crowd in the first half hour....then you are part of the older crowd.  In Teddy KGB voice:  "Eeet hurts, doesn't eet?  All your dreams?  Boop!  Dyashed.  Hopes down the fahking drain."  OK, enough flirting with it, let's just all watch the final hand of Rounders together.

Christmas Break Power Rankings

In ascending order:


8.  Blizzard Draco

Draco rolled through the Wednesday before Christmas and completely destroyed I-35, foiling my plans to drive up to Minneapolis and visit Easy E and LZE.  I had to bail out and take I-29 instead, which also involved quite a bit of white-knuckle driving.  (We'll get back to that.)  Draco, you were an asshole Death Eater, now you're an asshole blizzard.  You helped to kill both Dumbledore and my Christmas plans.  (HARRY POTTER JOKES, Y'ALL!!!)

7.  Sara & Me & SuperFun Booze Face Special Time

For the first the time that I can remember, Sarunas and I went boozing together, and failed to stay up until at least 5am.  It's disappointing to see streaks end.  She won't be offended that she's this low on the power rankings; we both agreed that it was a failure.


6.  The Jungle Bird

The Golf Channel was replaying last year's U.S. Open while I was home, so I had to re-watch the last hour or so, for two reasons:

- Jim Furyk's somewhat enjoyable meltdown over the final three holes (Sponsored by 5-hour Energy, huh Jimmy? Too bad it wasn't a 6-hour energy! Baaaaa-ZING!)

- The Jungle Bird. He was a big, big hit with the family, who hadn't seen this clip before, so we re-wound it a million times, and they were still laughing on the millionth viewing.





5c.  Red Pepper
5b.  Mom's Fried Chicken
5a.  White Sauce

I think it's official:  When I go back home, I get more excited for Mom's homemade fried chicken than I do for Red Pepper.  There.  I said it.  Shout-out to the Pepper though, for being named the #1 late night food eatery in America.  It's nice when I brag incessantly about something to my Kansas friends and it later gets backed up by actual facts.  Makes me sound like less of a blowhard.

As for white sauce, I have often claimed that I would eat dog food as long as it had white sauce on it.  So I brought some back to Kansas with me, hoping Teens would whip us up a taco salad or something and we could crush some white sauce.  I didn't properly describe my vision of what she should make, and we ended up with whatever this is:

The silver lining is that when I use that white sauce/dog food line in the future, I know that I'm not really exaggerating anymore.


4.  Free Beer

The one thing I'll take away from this fantasy football this year, despite easily having the most points and being The People's Champ?  Sweeping the season series from Fundy and getting a free night of boozing out of the deal.  Schooners taste much better when they're free.  Also, Fundy, you still owe me a case of beer.  Whenever it's convenient.  No biggie.


3.  The 11th (Mostly) Annual Schneweis/Hammen Kickball Extravaganza


We had a fantastic turnout, especially considering it was below zero outside. Definitely the coldest game in this event's history-- cue the NFL Films voice:  "On the frozen tundra of the Walsh Quad."  I wore regular tennis shoes, a track jacket, and light gloves, because I'm an idiot and I don't remember how to dress correctly. When I saw people showing up with boots and choppers and multiple coats, and Timmy B rocking a full-on facemask (camoflauge, natch) I knew I was in trouble. Luckily we had booze. Also, Team Hammen broke a two-year losing streak with a 5-1 victory. Despite being nicknamed Big Ern McCrackern due to my unorthodox pitching style and demeanor on the mound, I've only given up 1 run in 16 innings pitched over the last two years now. Stats don't lie, suck it Landry. Big ups to Weisser, T.Nels, Jacoby, Moose, Konerza, Mark and Rob. Even though I'll be on the opposite team of half of you next year. But whatever.

Random funny moment from the weekend:  We were discussing how none of us have really started donating to our alma mater yet, and Aimee asked us, theoretically, if we were to give money to UND, what would we want it to go to?  T.Nels and I answered simultaneously:

"An official kickball field"
"A retractable roof over the Walsh Quad"


2.  Dakota Magic Casino

So since my detour to Minneapolis was derailed, I was pretty bitter, and determined to have SOME sort of fun during my drive.  So after nine hours on the road, I got to the North/South Dakota border, said screw it, pulled off the interstate into the Dakota Magic, got a room, and bellied up to the bar by myself for a few cordials before hitting the blackjack tables.  What happened next is a classic North Dakota scene.  I paid for my first beer, the bartender gave me a shot on the house along with it, I paid for my second beer....and that was the last time I spent money on booze all night.  Why is that?...


1.  Grizzled North Dakota Farmers

....A steady rotating stream of farmers, who bought every one of my drinks the rest the night, refusing to let me return the favor, then staying around to bullshit for a while.  It ended up being a group of five or six of us, just a constant chatter of John Deere's new line of equipment, how much they think the Lavoy's farm is going to end up selling for, and the new calorie-cutting cafeteria plan that the gosh-damned school board implemented.  Meanwhile, I'm sitting there getting absolutely housed, nodding solemnly in agreement when necessary, throwing an occasional swear word into the mix (whether it's necessary or not) and thinking things like "I hope I set the DVR for The Mindy Project before I left town " and "When I put this chew in, I have to do it quick so they don't see it's just a pouch, and I'll pick up more farm cred that way." 

I have no idea how I end up in this situation so often.  Maybe I'm a good listener.  Maybe these dudes just want a sounding board for their stories-- but if they had any idea how big of a pussy I am in real life, I feel like that would end the small talk right quick.  The one time I tried to offer something substantial to the conversation was when I glanced at the bar TV and noticed LeBron James clipping his fingernails on the bench, during the game (which I thought was a big moment):

Me:  Holy shit!  Is LeBron James clipping his nails during the game, or am I just hammered right now?  (Editor's note:  I was correct on both counts.)

Grizzled Farmer #1:  What?

Me:  LeBron James!  He's clipping his nails right now, and the game is still going on!  This is ridiculous!

~Confused silence from Grizzled Farmers 1-5 as they squint up at the TV screen~

Grizzled Farmer #2:  LeBron James?  He a ballplayer or something?

Me:  What?!?  Yes!  He.....he's that guy right there, clipping his fingernails....he's the best basketball player in the world....you know, LeBron James......

~More confused silence~

Grizzled Farmer #3:  So, like I was saying, you seen those new Strong Box batteries that Deere put out this year?  Fuckin' great life on those suckers.

Grizzled Farmer #4:  Ayup.

Grizzled Farmer #5:  Fuckin' A right.

Grizzled Farmer #2:  Hey, you chewin' pouches over there, boy?


Sometimes--not often, but sometimes....North Dakota is just the best. 

Happy New Year.

Robotomatic For The People!

Remember the robot dance guy from Chappelle Show I wrote about a while ago?  I couldn't embed this gif of Naadir Tharpe celebrating during a recent KU game, but it's only a quick click away, I promise:

http://gif.mocksession.com/2012/12/tharpe-robot/


There's really only three options here:

a)  Tharpe also enjoys Chappelle Show
b)  Tharpe reads the blog, and was giving me a what-up
c)  Tharpe is just really shitty at doing the robot dance

I'm going with b), because I'm egotistical like that.  (Although, now that I think about it, Brady Morningstar did bust out his old undershirt for a game a couple years ago in response to The Brady Morningstar Undershirt Brigade I started on Facebook, so I guess it's not outside the realm of possibility that b) is correct.  But let's be real here.)

Tharpe has been struggling on the court a little bit so far in his KU career (though he's only a sophomore, and point guard is a tough position to learn) but between his robot dance and the fact that he nicknamed himself "Automatic for the People", his off-court shenanigans are quickly making him a potential Wall-of-Famer by the time it's all said and done.

There's a fine line to walk when you're giving yourself your own nickname.  If it's something funny or ridiculously over the top, like "Automatic for the People" or "The Big Aristotle"...then you're OK in my book.  But if you're trying to be cool with "Black Mamba" or trying way too hard by making hats that say "Big Jon" on them, and calling yourself part of the hockey team, when really you're just the guy who opens up the door to the bench during line changes....c'mon, man.  Get you a real nickname.  You know, like "Automatic for the People" or something.

A Very Convenient Truth

I read a statistic today that if you pee in the shower, you save roughly 1,150 gallons of water a year. Most days, I take two showers a day, since after work, I usually golf, or play basketball, or have an super-intense Super MarioKart Mushroom Cup.  So I'm not gonna come right out and say it, I'll let you connect the dots....but I save right around 2,000 gallons of water-- every year!  Who knew saving the Earth was so easy?  I feel like Al Gore or something.  Reduce, Reuse, Recycle!

So Merry Christmas, PLANET EARTH.  Don't open your present until the 25th.  (Hint:  it's pee.)

I Told You I Hated Fantasy Football

So my squad put up a solid 140 points again (WEIRD) and I had Z Unit beat by 2 points (WEIRD I GOT 138 HUNG ON ME AGAIN) and I went to bed Sunday night thinking that I was advancing to the title game-- although Z was threatening to appeal, whatever that entails.  Then ESPN changed its mind overnight and decided to gave Frank Gore those points after all for recovering a fumble for a TD.   And so I woke up the next morning to a loss.  I knew fantasy football would find a way to screw me.  Now my Tom Brady-Lindbergh Baby scenario doesn't even seem that farfetched.  Just total bullshit.  Go fist yourself, fantasy football.  And no, I won't be appealing.  I don't care if we were playing for a million dollars, there's no appealing in fantasy football.  That's bush league.

Remember back in the day, just before The Rock started getting super popular, and one day he just started calling himself the People's Champion?  (Don't front, I know you all remember.)  That's what I'm doing with fantasy football, starting now.  I had the best team this year, and it wasn't even really close...ipso facto, I'm now the self-proclaimed People's Champ.  The actual title game this weekend means nothing to me.  You guys can get bent.

If you smellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll.........what Jum Hammonds is cookin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just A Sweet, Sweet Fantasy Baby!

Here's the blog post I was starting to construct in my head on Monday afternoon, when I was averaging about 130 points per game, but my overall record was only 6-7, and I was trailing Fundy by 41 points going into the Monday night game:

Once again, I have the most points in the league.  And once again, I will not be going to the playoffs.  Because Fantasy Football is stupid and pointless and doesn't make sense as currently constructed and FUCK FANTASY FOOTBALL AND FUCK ALL OF YOU I QUIT.  Have fun in the Jerkface Playoffs for Jerks.

Here's the post I'm writing now, after Tom Brady went nuts, Andre Johnson did Andre Johnson things, I stormed back and beat Fundy by one point, and Ike knocked off Jon-Jon in their matchup, creating a four-way tie at 7-7 in our division, and allowing me to tiebreak my way into they playoffs:

Guys, seriously, how awesome is fantasy football?  It's such a worthwhile and rewarding use of time and energy.  I think what I like the most is that the team with the most points is going to make the playoffs; if you made me pick just one favorite thing, that would probably have to be it.

At one point a few weeks ago, in a 12-team league, I had the #2 QB (Brady) the #1 and #5 RBs (Doug Martin & Trent Richardson) the #1 and #9 WRs (Percy Harvin & Johnson) the #2 TE (Jimmy Graham) and the #2 defense (Broncos).  I also had the #2 kicker, but even the biggest douche on the planet doesn't brag about his fantasy football kicker.  The season-ending injury to Harvin hurts me as much as it does him and the Vikings, and Graham and the Broncs have each dropped a couple of spots....which means that I masturbate while thinking about my team only three times a day, down from the four or five times daily that I was firing off fantasy football knuckle children last month.

She's a fickle bitch, that fantasy football.  I'm just glad to be on her good side right now.  However, after Z-Unit beats me when Malcolm Floyd tosses the ball over his shoulder at the 1-yard line when he thinks he's already in the end zone, or Richardson shoots himself in the leg at a nightclub, or Bridget Moynahan kidnaps Brady's newborn girl and sets off a Lindbergh Baby situation...then you can be sure that I'll be back to whining and complaining about fantasy football again.  That and shamelessly bragging about your team are really the only two things it's good for.

***************

Unrelated, but hilarious:  this cartoon of Jacoby Ellsbury trying to convince Dustin Pedroia to let him try his first chew.  I will now be using phrases like "tripping balls" or "Dip-dip-dip-dip-dip-dip-dip-dip...Dipalodeon!" when I'm about to put in a chew for the rest of my life.  Hopefully you do too.

30 Years

My memory is pretty ridiculous.  I'm constantly ranking everything, I love making lists, and I'm the historian of my friend group.  I constantly get calls or texts from friends to settle bar bets, or disagreements on how/when/why something went down back in the day.  So what better way to put those skills to use then to rank every year of my life, from best to worst?
FYI, I tried to make this as short as possible, but I could've easily quadrupled the word count for every year.   Probably forgot some stuff too, but I tried my best.  I TRIED MY BEST.

1.  2001: I turned 18 right at the end of 2000, so the first part of 2001 was spent going to the casino almost every weekend (and many weekdays, immediately after class got done at 12:30....senior year was awesome) honing my Blackjack skills little by little.....I graudated high school, Ike & Jake got an apartment and we spent the summer boozing our faces off....I took my first real road trip without my parents, out to Seattle and Portland....I moved into the dorms with Paul, and the first semester of freshman year of college was maybe the most fun time of my life (except for 9/11, obviously.)

2.  2008:  KU wins the national championship and basically completes my existence....I attend my first Kentucky Derby and first College World Series.....Ike, Paul, ADawg get married, and between all those wedding weekends it was like I lived in North Dakota again.

3.  2004:  Red Sox win the World Series, "my" first championship as a sports fan after years and years and years of disappointment....poker took over our lives, in a good way, and Ike built a kick-ass table that we kept at Culligan and had like three poker nights a week....flippy cup became the go-to game at all parties, and some bars, and pretty soon we were banging out best-of-seven-best-of-sevens routinely....also a good year for Culligan shenanigans, not to mention it was the Anchorman and Chappelle Show era.

4.  2012- I made the two greatest additions to my household ever by getting engaged and buying a Golden Tee (don't ask me to put those two in order though).....maybe the most fun Kentucky Derby yet, knocked the Home Run Derby and the Ryder Cup off my bucket list....this has arguably been my greatest gambling year yet, including hitting on 'I'll Have Another' to win the Derby.

5.  1994- Probably the best year in video game history:  NHL '94, NBA Live '95, Mortal Kombat, etc. etc....6th grade rocked too, had the coolest teacher ever....although Easy E and I did hit a bump in our friendship when he thought I was hitting on his girlfriend Katie, when really I was in 6th grade love with her twin sister and I was just trying to get in with the family.

6.  2002- Freshman year of college and living in the dorms finishes up...we definitely started drinking in class- but only the easy ones, don't worry!.....kickball games in the Walsh Quad  begin their storied history (Chapter 11 of that book will occur on December 23rd, be there!)....Culligan era begins....Fundy and I start our playoff baseball drinking game of drinking a beer every half-inning (I can't remember much of the 2002 playoffs, didn't the Brooklyn Dodgers win that one?)....my all-time favorite KU team loses in the Final Four.

7.  2003- Probably the height of Culligan/driving to Canada/underage shenanigans before we all start turning 21...although we did discover Charlie Brown's and a rebirth of our blackjack addiction....however, I unquestionably hit my low point in sports fandom, after KU lost to Syracuse in the championship, Roy left for North Carolina, and the Red Sox blew Game 7 to the Yankees, and I trashed a bunch of stuff in the parking lot as horrified bystanders looked on....also I skipped going to Cancun with Paul, Fundy & Russell because it was Hinrich and Collison's senior year and I didn't want to miss any of their last tournament run.

8.  1999- Sophomore year of high school was easy, I had awesome teachers and we caused all kinds of in-class shenanigans....we started having house parties when parents were gone; I miss the days where I could get drunk of off four Rolling Rocks....Star Wars prequels come to theaters, don't judge me, I loved them....I quit summer school after half of one class, and spent the summer playing pool in Ike's basement.  Best decision ever.

9.  2005- Definitely the most up-and-down year....for the most part, it was unreal....our March Madness trip to Chicago, Louisville and Indianapolis was legendary, and led to the KU/Bucknell night....crossed the #1 item off my bucket list when Easy E took me to The Masters...got my #2 item also, when T.Nels and I went to Boston and Fenway Park....also took a west coast road trip with Easy E and ADawg and saw San Fran, LA, and Vegas for the first times...at Springfest, I accomplished my lifelong goal of drinking for 24 hours consecutively....however, there was a stretch of a couple months where Paul and Amber had graduated and moved away, and Easy E wasn't back from Iraq yet, so I was without my three best friends, school was kicking my ass, and I was as close to depressed as I've ever been (I don't want to belittle the definition of depression, I still had it pretty good; I'm just saying, I missed my friends a lot and was pretty bummed.)  Without that, this would be a top-3 year.


10. 1992- My first real experience with The Summer Olympics, and they (the Dream Team in particular) were fantastic....at my birthday party, we went skating at Engelstad Arena and Aubol got his forehead skated over and I took one look and puked on the ice (I've never been a fan of hospital-based shows)....WE FINALLY GOT OUR ELUSIVE SEGA GENESIS FOR CHRISTMAS, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH GRANDMA AND GRANDPA, SUCK IT MOM AND DAD!!!!

11.  1996- I officially took up golf, and the Bergman brothers and I basically lived at the golf course all year.  We sucked up the college girls who worked at Subway and got free subs for lunch and dinner, and we golfed from sunrise to sunset almost every day of the week....it was our last summer without jobs and we did it up right....I feel like we also threw a LOT of water balloons at passers-by in 1996.

12.  2007- Moved to Kansas....Red Sox won the World Series...got banned from Shooting Star Casino....got my first big kid's job....my golf game was horrible since I barely played.

13. 1993- A year spent balls-deep in video games, baseball cards, and Starting Lineups...also neighborhood games like Hot Box, Jailbreak, etc.....however, I did quit our Play-It-Again traveling basketball team because we had practice during the Elite 8, I didn't want to miss the games, Dunph told me if I didn't show up I was off the team, I handed him my jersey and enjoyed KU advancing to the Final Four just the same.

14.  2011- Maybe my best golfing year ever...crossed Lambeau Field off the bucket list....got job at KU across the street from Allen Fieldhouse....the March Madness trip to Fargo, in which we literally did nothing besides watch basketball, gamble, booze, and only left Fundy's house to go to the bar down the street and play blackjack and watch more basketball, was one of the most fun vacations I've ever taken.

15.  1997- The flood destroyed the basement of our house and cancelled the rest of the 8th grade year RIGHT BEFORE I was going to make a move and ask out the girl of my dreams, instead we went to rival high schools and I didn't talk to her again until we were at the same wedding last year....otherwise great year!

16.  1995- Lots more sleepovers, baseball cards, and video games....I discover actual hip-hop, and suddenly, instead of singing along to country songs on the radio in the car with my parents, I'm listening to Dr. Dre quietly in the basement so my parents don't hear the explicit lyrics.


17.  1988- The Hammonds family moves from Washington DC to North Dakota.....weather sucks....but I start making some of the friendships that I still have to this day.

18.  1998- I got my driver's license and my first car....last half of freshman year of high school was brutal, probably the most homework I've ever had for some reason...our 9th grade basketball B team would've beat most A teams in the EDC, we were a juggernaut....I may have played three or four 162 game seasons in Ken Griffey Jr. baseball for Nintendo 64....DVJS and I started playing basketball together and we haven't stopped since.

19.  2006- I graduated college....crossed Wrigley Field off the bucket list...took a HORRIBLE Vegas beatdown over March Madness....friends were moving away left and right....the legendary "Guys on the Couch" Culligan era, starring Noles, Horp, JonJon, Big D, etc. begins winding down.

20.  1991- Highlight of the year is Dunph and I getting banned from being in a class together ever again, due to "Disruptive sports arguments during class time."  We were way ahead of our time- Wilbon & Kornheiser ain't got shit on us.

21.  2010- Not many fun trips that year besides Kentucky Derby and College World Series, didn't attend any weddings....KU lost as a #1 seed in the second round....just kind of a blah year

22.  1990- This is the year I started getting really serious about following sports; KU, the Red Sox, Knicks, and the Houston Oilers in particular....however, still not a Nintendo to be found.

23.  2009-  Had a fantastic Chicago trip and discovered drinking with Wizard Sticks...but got laid off from my first big kid's job, which pretty much ruins the last half the year for me....the recession was not so much fun.

24.  2000- Junior year of high school sucked....Y2K ended up being a dud, I was really hoping for some action there....our family + Easy E came this close to moving to Maryland, we were so out the door that we didn't even register for classes in time, and we missed the first few days of school.  Have you ever said goodbye to all your friends, then come back a week later like "Just kidding!  We're not moving anymore!  Anybody wanna trade lockers?  I'm with all the freshman now"....Awkward.


25.  1989- Basically every single friend of ours who didn't already have a Nintendo got one for Christmas....but due to my parents' hatred of video games that would be our main battle for the duration of my childhood, we did not get one.  WORST.  CHRISTMAS.  EVER.

***************

Now, even with my memory, I'm not going to pretend like I can rank the first six years of my life.  So I'm ranking them in order of Emilio Estevez movies from that particular year, from best to worst.

26.  1985- The Breakfast Club- obligatory pick here.  Plus St. Elmo's Fire came out this year, so '85 was a tour de force for Emilioooooo!

27.  1986- Maximum Overdrive- great movie where all the machines come to life and (of course) are instantly evil, the entire soundtrack is performed by AC/DC, and Emilio & Friends end up being held hostage at a gas station by a posse of semi-trucks.  Possibly the most 80's movie there ever was.  Highly recommended.

28.  1983- The Outsiders- Stay golden, Ponyboy!  Great movie and great 7th grade reading material.

29.  1987- Stakeout.  Emilio has a killer 'stache in this one, which is about the only opinion I have on this movie.  Pretty forgettable.

30.  1982- Tex.  I suppose I didn't really need to include this year, since I wasn't even around for a whole month.  And OK, I'll be honest, I haven't actually seen this movie (has ANYBODY?)  But it has to be better than....

31.  1984- Repo Man.  One of the worst movies I've ever seen in my life.


Here's to 2013 ending up at the top of this list, am I right Emilio?

30 Years Old In Body, If Not Necessarily In Spirit

I turned 30 on Sunday, and did way too much boozing and not nearly enough sleeping last weekend, and so I've been feeling closer to 50 than 30 the last couple days.

But reading the Facebook status of a certain uncle of a friend yesterday, I was, however briefly, made to feel young again.  (For our purposes, we'll call him Randy S.  No, wait, that's too obvious.  Let's go with R. St. Aubyn.)  Here's his status:

I can't believe how low some people are getting. I get home from work tonight and baby Jesus is missing from our nativity set out in front of our house.


Upon reading this, what was my immediate emotion?

A.  Outrage at the offending party
B.  Shame for my role in a Baby Jesus robbery spree 11 years ago
C.  OHHH SHIT, THAT'S HILARIOUS, SON!
D.  Nostalgia for the good old days
E.  Both C and D

The answer being, of course, E.  Really, I do feel sorry for Randy (even though he is a K-State fan who blows up my Facebook wall every chance he gets, which for college basketball ends up being once every seven years or so) but you know what?  People stealing Baby Jesuses (Jesii?) from nativity scenes still makes me giggle a little bit. I'm not quite mature enough to resist laughing at that.

So maybe I'm not all 30 years old yet.  Still seriously hungover, though.

Mystery Solved

I have been tremendously enjoying the song 'Little Secrets' by Passion Pit for a few months now, but every time I heard it, something was tugging at the back of my brain.  Why did this song sound so strangely familiar?  Why did it cut right to the core of me?

Finally it hit me:  it sounded like the song from after you beat the game in Streets of Rage 2.  Now I might like Passion Pit even more.




Also, Streets of Rage is one of those games that I rarely play solo; we pretty much only dust it off when a North Dakota friend comes to visit.  We inevitably fire it up at 2am for old times' sake, beat the game, then send off a round of texties- for proof, of course.  The last time this occurred, when Paul came to visit last February, I sent off the equivalent of the screen shot below at about 6:30 in the morning.  Back in the day, the picture texts we'd be sending each other in the wee hours after drinking all night were usually, ahem, a bit more scandalous....but we all have to grow up sometime, right?  (Please ignore for the moment that by "growing up" I'm talking about playing Sega Genesis after a night of boozing here.)

Anyway, now I'm all hot and bothered about Streets of Rage right now, but the timing works out OK, since Morley and Beaker are coming to visit this weekend, and the probability is high that Morley and I get our Sega on, while Beaker and Teens drink wine and talk about being engaged or Channing Tatum or menstrual cycles or whatever it is that girls talk about.  Fundy, Easy E, Paul, Noles, etc....get ready for a blurry photo of Axel and Max standing over a fallen Mr. X sometime this weekend.  I know you're trembling with anticipation.

Catsgiving

I am extremely thankful for many things in 2012, including but not limited to:

Bill Self; the Golden Tee machine in my basement; Jumbo Jenga; Bane's accent in The Dark Knight Rises; the random guy on the internet who records hundreds of basketball games and then sells them for like $3 apiece (what up Rod Phillips, holler at your boy!); Ben McLemore; hanging out and playing cars or watching Thomas the Train with Finn; Nerlens Noel's hair; the Chiefs being so bad that you can buy tickets for $3.95 on Stubhub; 'I'll Have Another' at the Kentucky Derby; this song from 1968 that I didn't hear until this year; and the TV show Workaholics.

But I do have one grievance.  Lately there has been a stray cat running around our property, sometimes sneaking into the garage to steal dog food* and even shimmying up a post to our upstairs patio.  Teens has taken to calling it 'Mittens' and wants to set out cups of milk and make it a little bed and crap like that.  On the flip side of that coin, it's a well-known fact that I hate cats.  I'm deathly allergic to them, I hate them, and this particular one is trespassing.  It is a trespasser, and it steals things, and I think I even heard it mewing racial slurs the other day.  I have named it 'Adidas', because if I ever get close enough, that's what is going to be imprinted in its gut after I boot it out of the garage.  We already have rabbits, foxes, possums, and coyotes running around the backyard; to quote one of my all-time favorite Homer Simpson lines, "It's like a freakin' Country Bear Jambaroo around here!"  We don't need to add a mangy, almost certainly disease-ridden cat to the mix.

So watch yourself, Adidas the Trespassing Cat....I'm not thankful for you this year.


*To everyone who knows me well and read that sentence and gasped, thinking I finally broke down and bought a dog....no, we don't own a dog.  We keep a bag of food in the garage because we dogsit my future brother-in-law's family dog, Bentley, every couple months or so.  I'm sure someday we will get a dog (SOMEDAY!) but that day is still a long time away.  Fortunately, I already have the name picked out:  Doctor Richard Kimble.  And I'll train it to be a search & rescue dog, like the kind that tries to find escaped convicts or missing children, and we'll find a scrap of a sweatshirt sleeve that has the scent of a suspected murderer on it, and then I can have an excuse to constantly yell "YOU FIND THAT MAN!" at him.  Anyone else want to watch The Fugitive right now?  That movie is so awesome.

Welcome To Dumpsville, Population: THE BIEBS!

I always knew my boo Selena Gomez was too good for you, Bieber.  Go play in traffic.

We'll see if my Selena obsession increases now that she's single for the first time in a few years (you know, cause I have a shot now!)  I don't think she'll ever reach Hilary Duff-like proportions for me (true story: back in the day, I had a recurring dream where I was Hilary's boyfriend on the side, like she couldn't bring me out on the red carpet or anything, since she had to keep up Hollywood appearances, but she would secretly fly out to North Dakota every few weeks and spend the weekend with me.  And every time I'd wake up deliriously happy for a couple minutes until I realized it was a dream.  So that gives you a little taste of the Hilary Duff era for me.)

However, even though the top spot will probably forever be out of reach, Selena can settle very nicely into the #2 spot of my all-time "You May Think It's Inappropriate That I Have A Crush On This Girl, But I Say That Age Ain't Nothin' But A Number" List.  Just ahead of Shawn Johnson of USA gymnastics fame, Cassie Steele from Degrassi, and Emma Watson from Harry Potter, in case you care.

Oh, and just in case I'm not being creepy enough already......don't sleep on that younger sister in the Dunphy family on Modern Family, either.  They nerd her up for her character on the show, but she is gonna be a smoke show someday soon.

OK, we'll wrap this up, now that I've been flagged by every internet sex offender watch list on the planet.

*This post has the express-written consent of the future Mrs. Jum Hammonds.  She even follows Selena on Pinterest (or Instagram or something, I don't really know) solely for her to hand her phone over to me every once in a while so I can creep on some photos.

Mourning The Beard

Sooooo James Harden got traded to Houston by Oklahoma City.

I'm a little bit behind with this post, since I was trying to not have a knee-jerk reaction to the trade, and wanted to analyze it without being biased by the glass case of emotions I was trapped in for the first few days after the trade.  And what I've found is that it still sucks.  Big time.  As I thought about it more and more, it surprised me how bummed I am by the trade.

So I constructed a scale, from lowest to highest, on the levels of heartbreak when a favorite player/coach leaves a favorite team:

1.0- The guy who you loved at one point, but then he either sucked, or his personality pissed you off, or both....you're basically saying "Good riddance" as he walks out the door.

PERSONAL EXAMPLES:  Roger Clemens, Vince Young, Nomar Garciaparra, Grady Little.

2.0- One-and-dones in college basketball.  You don't really hate them, and there wasn't really enough time to get too attached....but there is some bitterness about them leaving so soon.  Like a girl who you take out on one date, and then she immediately stops returning your calls.  Oh, really?  A free dinner and two hours of conversation, and you've already decided you're too good for me?  FINE, YOU'RE A BITCH ANYWAY AND NOT EVEN THAT GOOD LOOKING AND I BET YOU DIE ALONE.

PERSONAL EXAMPLES:  Xavier Henry, Josh Selby.

3.0- The guy who was great while he were there, but there just wasn't really enough time for him to become one of your absolute favorite players.

PERSONAL EXAMPLES:  Jason Bay, Adrian Gonzalez, Victor Martinez, Adrian Beltre.  (Although there was this routine with Martinez and Beltre, which was hilarious, and makes me a little wistful for the days when the Red Sox had a little something called "team chemistry.")

4.0- The guy who you loved, and you hated to see him leave, but it was directly after a championship, so all negative feelings are basically disallowed.

PERSONAL EXAMPLES:  Derek Lowe, Mario Chalmers, Brandon Rush, Darrell Arthur.  The quote that I'll probably always remember:  We've just finished partying downtown after KU won the title in '08, and we're back at Kyle's place, to have more beers and immediately re-watch the game (not much sleep that night).  I was already looking ahead to the next year, bemoaning the fact that we were probably going to lose a bunch of guys early to the NBA draft, and Kyle looked at me, incredulous, and exclaimed, "Who the fuck cares, dude?  We just won the championship!"  Completely changed my outlook on things.

5.0- The guy who is no longer productive/worth the money to pay him-- but you hold no ill will, you'll mainly remember the good times. 

PERSONAL EXAMPLES:  Eddie George, Haywood Jeffires, Pedro Martinez, Jeff Fisher.  We'll see if Josh Beckett ends up here.  For now, Beckett is probably closer to an 8.0.  Also, look for Chris Johnson to be on this list somewhat soon- if not next year, then for sure the year after.

6.0- The guy who broke your heart when he left, but subsequent events have lessened the blow.

PERSONAL EXAMPLES: 

- Wade Boggs (he ended up being a giant cockbag after he went to the Yankees)

- Julian Wright (my second favorite KU player ever, but we won the title the year after he left)

- Roy Williams  (obviously he used to be a 10.0 on this scale, but since we beat the shit out of Carolina in the '08 Final Four, won the title, and then beat him again in the Elite 8 last year....I just can't hate him anymore.  I also didn't anticipate that Bill Self would become the greatest college basketball coach in the country, so that helps too.  Nothin' but love, Ol' Roy).

7.0- The guy who left somewhat unexpectedly, but understandably.  Most times you can't really be mad at them, it wasn't really their fault, but damn, it still would've been awesome if they had stayed.

PERSONAL EXAMPLES: 

- Terry Francona (run out of town, fuck you Boston ownership + media)

- Steve McNair (run out of town and later murdered, fuck you Tennessee ownership + media + crazy ex-mistress)

- Marcus & Markieff Morris (there was no way to tell at the beginning of the year that they would blow up like that and become lottery picks...they had to leave for the NBA when they did, but damn, considering KU only had 6 legitimate Division I players last year and still went to the title game....we probably could've used the Morris Twins).

8.0- The guy who you don't want to leave, no matter the circumstances.  YOUR BOY.

PERSONAL EXAMPLES: 

- Warren Moon (there was the crazy playoff game against the Bills where the Oilers blew a 35-3 second half lead and lost, then the next year Moon led them to the best record in the AFC, but Joe Montana and the Chiefs came into town and upset them in the playoffs, then WHAM!  Moon gets traded to the Vikings, see ya later.  That sucked.)

- Manny Ramirez (who did about everything short of stabbing a homeless person on his way to getting run out of town-- and I think even if he would have knifed Ol' Johnny AlleyDumpster, I still would've been calling for the Red Sox to pick up the team option on his contract for the next year.  There is almost literally nothing that Manny could do that I wouldn't forgive him for.  I think they could announce that Manny shot JFK, made the decision to keep the troops in Vietnam way too long, AND was responsible for 9/11, and I'd be like "Well, yeah, but he absolutely murders left-hand pitching, is an RBI machine, and is probably the greatest hitter in postseason history, whaddya want from him?")

9.0- The guy who was responsible for your love of the entire team.  I'm pretty much making up this category for Harden.  He doesn't quite fit in 7.0- even though this is mostly OKC's fault, and they should've just paid Harden his money, it's not quite that simple, since Durant, Westbrook, and Ibaka all sacrificed money to stay, and Harden had previously announced (multiple times) that he would do the same.  He's not quite 8.0 either, since this goes beyond just liking the player.  We'll get back to Harden.


10.0-  Your favorite guy going to the hated archrival.

PERSONAL EXAMPLE:  Only one.  Johnny Damon going to the Yankees.  Nothing will ever be on this level for me again.  I was in shock for days when it happened, even seven years later I still can't really believe it happened, and I will never fully trust athletes again because of it.

So back to Harden....

I already knew that he was my favorite non-Jayhawk college basketball player ever, and the reason I officially jumped on the OKC bandwagon immediately after the 2009 draft, but I kinda assumed that after three years of serious fandom, I was equally attached to the rest of the team.  I was a full-fledged NBA fan again, after years of half-assing it.  (Tangent:  when I announced that Teens and I were engaged, my friend Steph was in the middle of a fe-mance with Teens (or whatever the girl version of a bromance is).  Steph squealed in delight and asked if I thought she would be one of Teens' bridesmaids, to which I replied "What?  You guys have only known each other for like three months!"  To which Steph replied, deadly serious, "Well, yeah.....but it's been a GREAT three months.")  OKC has only been my team for three years....but it's been a GREAT three years.

So now with Harden gone, what's left?  I love Nick Collison, obviously....I've always loved watching Durant, even when he was playing for Texas and dropping 25 points in the first half at Allen Fieldhouse against KU....I've come to enjoy Maynor and Ibaka and kinda Westbrook....but does that make a favorite team?  Not really.  Do I cheer for the Rockets now?  Harden, Marcus Morris, Cole Aldrich, and enjoyable characters like Jeremy Lin and Chandler Parsons?  Go back to the Knicks, and pretend like I didn't ditch them six years ago?  I have no answers.  So now I'm an NBA orphan again, with nobody to really cheer for.  Which is why, for now, Harden is at a 9.0 on my scale.  This isn't just about the Oklahoma City Thunder; it's about the entire league.  He hasn't quite killed the NBA for me, but he has definitely kidnapped it and tied it up in his basement.  And his ransom demands aren't being met, so he's debating whether or not to just finish the job, dump the body, and get out of town before the cops get too close. 

You know what I mean.

The Top 5. Volume 18 UPDATED

Back when we had a comments section here on The Slice, after a Top 5 post, there were usually great comments about what I missed, or what I had too high or too low.  Now, in the post-apocalypic wasteland of NoCommentsVille, these opinions come in the form of texts or emails or Facebook posts.  Even if they didn't convince me to change my rankings, they were still entertaining for everyone to read.  Along those lines, I received this, from reader Alfonso in Chicago, IL:

"Pretty sure you forgot the shimmy the dude does on Chappelle when he's mowing the lawn in his leather outfit.  You know, the gay dude.  Dave asks to see it again.  You know.  I don't know why I keep trying to explain it."

 Besides cracking me up with his text (he went on to talk about how his alias is Alfonso purely because of the Carlton dance) he's absolutely right-- I did miss that one.  Gay lawn mower guy, you're in the #5 spot.  Jack Black, you're out.







(What, did you think I was going to blog about the election today?)

Halloween Parties? Bah, Humbug

I haven't dressed up and gone to a Halloween party since 2006. I just don't have as much fun getting all dressed up in a costume to do my boozin'.  Lately, I've been called "The Ebenezer Scrooge of Halloween" and that's pretty appropriate.

BUT, if I were to go to a Halloween party tonight....is it a bad thing that, without having to go out and buy a single thing, I could go as Jason Sudeikis' character from the 'What's Up With That?' Saturday Night Live sketches?  The only difference is my gold chain has a dollar bill sign at the end of it, but other than that, I'm (theoretically) ready to go.  I've already got the B-boy moves and everything.

Also, below is a link to a page full of 'What's Up With That?' dancing gifs, which will surely make your world a better place.  Happy Halloween party weekend, kids.  Have fun at your stupid jerk parties for jerks.

http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/what-up-with-that?before=1313636344