Christmas Break Power Rankings

In ascending order:


8.  Blizzard Draco

Draco rolled through the Wednesday before Christmas and completely destroyed I-35, foiling my plans to drive up to Minneapolis and visit Easy E and LZE.  I had to bail out and take I-29 instead, which also involved quite a bit of white-knuckle driving.  (We'll get back to that.)  Draco, you were an asshole Death Eater, now you're an asshole blizzard.  You helped to kill both Dumbledore and my Christmas plans.  (HARRY POTTER JOKES, Y'ALL!!!)

7.  Sara & Me & SuperFun Booze Face Special Time

For the first the time that I can remember, Sarunas and I went boozing together, and failed to stay up until at least 5am.  It's disappointing to see streaks end.  She won't be offended that she's this low on the power rankings; we both agreed that it was a failure.


6.  The Jungle Bird

The Golf Channel was replaying last year's U.S. Open while I was home, so I had to re-watch the last hour or so, for two reasons:

- Jim Furyk's somewhat enjoyable meltdown over the final three holes (Sponsored by 5-hour Energy, huh Jimmy? Too bad it wasn't a 6-hour energy! Baaaaa-ZING!)

- The Jungle Bird. He was a big, big hit with the family, who hadn't seen this clip before, so we re-wound it a million times, and they were still laughing on the millionth viewing.





5c.  Red Pepper
5b.  Mom's Fried Chicken
5a.  White Sauce

I think it's official:  When I go back home, I get more excited for Mom's homemade fried chicken than I do for Red Pepper.  There.  I said it.  Shout-out to the Pepper though, for being named the #1 late night food eatery in America.  It's nice when I brag incessantly about something to my Kansas friends and it later gets backed up by actual facts.  Makes me sound like less of a blowhard.

As for white sauce, I have often claimed that I would eat dog food as long as it had white sauce on it.  So I brought some back to Kansas with me, hoping Teens would whip us up a taco salad or something and we could crush some white sauce.  I didn't properly describe my vision of what she should make, and we ended up with whatever this is:

The silver lining is that when I use that white sauce/dog food line in the future, I know that I'm not really exaggerating anymore.


4.  Free Beer

The one thing I'll take away from this fantasy football this year, despite easily having the most points and being The People's Champ?  Sweeping the season series from Fundy and getting a free night of boozing out of the deal.  Schooners taste much better when they're free.  Also, Fundy, you still owe me a case of beer.  Whenever it's convenient.  No biggie.


3.  The 11th (Mostly) Annual Schneweis/Hammen Kickball Extravaganza


We had a fantastic turnout, especially considering it was below zero outside. Definitely the coldest game in this event's history-- cue the NFL Films voice:  "On the frozen tundra of the Walsh Quad."  I wore regular tennis shoes, a track jacket, and light gloves, because I'm an idiot and I don't remember how to dress correctly. When I saw people showing up with boots and choppers and multiple coats, and Timmy B rocking a full-on facemask (camoflauge, natch) I knew I was in trouble. Luckily we had booze. Also, Team Hammen broke a two-year losing streak with a 5-1 victory. Despite being nicknamed Big Ern McCrackern due to my unorthodox pitching style and demeanor on the mound, I've only given up 1 run in 16 innings pitched over the last two years now. Stats don't lie, suck it Landry. Big ups to Weisser, T.Nels, Jacoby, Moose, Konerza, Mark and Rob. Even though I'll be on the opposite team of half of you next year. But whatever.

Random funny moment from the weekend:  We were discussing how none of us have really started donating to our alma mater yet, and Aimee asked us, theoretically, if we were to give money to UND, what would we want it to go to?  T.Nels and I answered simultaneously:

"An official kickball field"
"A retractable roof over the Walsh Quad"


2.  Dakota Magic Casino

So since my detour to Minneapolis was derailed, I was pretty bitter, and determined to have SOME sort of fun during my drive.  So after nine hours on the road, I got to the North/South Dakota border, said screw it, pulled off the interstate into the Dakota Magic, got a room, and bellied up to the bar by myself for a few cordials before hitting the blackjack tables.  What happened next is a classic North Dakota scene.  I paid for my first beer, the bartender gave me a shot on the house along with it, I paid for my second beer....and that was the last time I spent money on booze all night.  Why is that?...


1.  Grizzled North Dakota Farmers

....A steady rotating stream of farmers, who bought every one of my drinks the rest the night, refusing to let me return the favor, then staying around to bullshit for a while.  It ended up being a group of five or six of us, just a constant chatter of John Deere's new line of equipment, how much they think the Lavoy's farm is going to end up selling for, and the new calorie-cutting cafeteria plan that the gosh-damned school board implemented.  Meanwhile, I'm sitting there getting absolutely housed, nodding solemnly in agreement when necessary, throwing an occasional swear word into the mix (whether it's necessary or not) and thinking things like "I hope I set the DVR for The Mindy Project before I left town " and "When I put this chew in, I have to do it quick so they don't see it's just a pouch, and I'll pick up more farm cred that way." 

I have no idea how I end up in this situation so often.  Maybe I'm a good listener.  Maybe these dudes just want a sounding board for their stories-- but if they had any idea how big of a pussy I am in real life, I feel like that would end the small talk right quick.  The one time I tried to offer something substantial to the conversation was when I glanced at the bar TV and noticed LeBron James clipping his fingernails on the bench, during the game (which I thought was a big moment):

Me:  Holy shit!  Is LeBron James clipping his nails during the game, or am I just hammered right now?  (Editor's note:  I was correct on both counts.)

Grizzled Farmer #1:  What?

Me:  LeBron James!  He's clipping his nails right now, and the game is still going on!  This is ridiculous!

~Confused silence from Grizzled Farmers 1-5 as they squint up at the TV screen~

Grizzled Farmer #2:  LeBron James?  He a ballplayer or something?

Me:  What?!?  Yes!  He.....he's that guy right there, clipping his fingernails....he's the best basketball player in the world....you know, LeBron James......

~More confused silence~

Grizzled Farmer #3:  So, like I was saying, you seen those new Strong Box batteries that Deere put out this year?  Fuckin' great life on those suckers.

Grizzled Farmer #4:  Ayup.

Grizzled Farmer #5:  Fuckin' A right.

Grizzled Farmer #2:  Hey, you chewin' pouches over there, boy?


Sometimes--not often, but sometimes....North Dakota is just the best. 

Happy New Year.

Robotomatic For The People!

Remember the robot dance guy from Chappelle Show I wrote about a while ago?  I couldn't embed this gif of Naadir Tharpe celebrating during a recent KU game, but it's only a quick click away, I promise:

http://gif.mocksession.com/2012/12/tharpe-robot/


There's really only three options here:

a)  Tharpe also enjoys Chappelle Show
b)  Tharpe reads the blog, and was giving me a what-up
c)  Tharpe is just really shitty at doing the robot dance

I'm going with b), because I'm egotistical like that.  (Although, now that I think about it, Brady Morningstar did bust out his old undershirt for a game a couple years ago in response to The Brady Morningstar Undershirt Brigade I started on Facebook, so I guess it's not outside the realm of possibility that b) is correct.  But let's be real here.)

Tharpe has been struggling on the court a little bit so far in his KU career (though he's only a sophomore, and point guard is a tough position to learn) but between his robot dance and the fact that he nicknamed himself "Automatic for the People", his off-court shenanigans are quickly making him a potential Wall-of-Famer by the time it's all said and done.

There's a fine line to walk when you're giving yourself your own nickname.  If it's something funny or ridiculously over the top, like "Automatic for the People" or "The Big Aristotle"...then you're OK in my book.  But if you're trying to be cool with "Black Mamba" or trying way too hard by making hats that say "Big Jon" on them, and calling yourself part of the hockey team, when really you're just the guy who opens up the door to the bench during line changes....c'mon, man.  Get you a real nickname.  You know, like "Automatic for the People" or something.

A Very Convenient Truth

I read a statistic today that if you pee in the shower, you save roughly 1,150 gallons of water a year. Most days, I take two showers a day, since after work, I usually golf, or play basketball, or have an super-intense Super MarioKart Mushroom Cup.  So I'm not gonna come right out and say it, I'll let you connect the dots....but I save right around 2,000 gallons of water-- every year!  Who knew saving the Earth was so easy?  I feel like Al Gore or something.  Reduce, Reuse, Recycle!

So Merry Christmas, PLANET EARTH.  Don't open your present until the 25th.  (Hint:  it's pee.)

I Told You I Hated Fantasy Football

So my squad put up a solid 140 points again (WEIRD) and I had Z Unit beat by 2 points (WEIRD I GOT 138 HUNG ON ME AGAIN) and I went to bed Sunday night thinking that I was advancing to the title game-- although Z was threatening to appeal, whatever that entails.  Then ESPN changed its mind overnight and decided to gave Frank Gore those points after all for recovering a fumble for a TD.   And so I woke up the next morning to a loss.  I knew fantasy football would find a way to screw me.  Now my Tom Brady-Lindbergh Baby scenario doesn't even seem that farfetched.  Just total bullshit.  Go fist yourself, fantasy football.  And no, I won't be appealing.  I don't care if we were playing for a million dollars, there's no appealing in fantasy football.  That's bush league.

Remember back in the day, just before The Rock started getting super popular, and one day he just started calling himself the People's Champion?  (Don't front, I know you all remember.)  That's what I'm doing with fantasy football, starting now.  I had the best team this year, and it wasn't even really close...ipso facto, I'm now the self-proclaimed People's Champ.  The actual title game this weekend means nothing to me.  You guys can get bent.

If you smellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll.........what Jum Hammonds is cookin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just A Sweet, Sweet Fantasy Baby!

Here's the blog post I was starting to construct in my head on Monday afternoon, when I was averaging about 130 points per game, but my overall record was only 6-7, and I was trailing Fundy by 41 points going into the Monday night game:

Once again, I have the most points in the league.  And once again, I will not be going to the playoffs.  Because Fantasy Football is stupid and pointless and doesn't make sense as currently constructed and FUCK FANTASY FOOTBALL AND FUCK ALL OF YOU I QUIT.  Have fun in the Jerkface Playoffs for Jerks.

Here's the post I'm writing now, after Tom Brady went nuts, Andre Johnson did Andre Johnson things, I stormed back and beat Fundy by one point, and Ike knocked off Jon-Jon in their matchup, creating a four-way tie at 7-7 in our division, and allowing me to tiebreak my way into they playoffs:

Guys, seriously, how awesome is fantasy football?  It's such a worthwhile and rewarding use of time and energy.  I think what I like the most is that the team with the most points is going to make the playoffs; if you made me pick just one favorite thing, that would probably have to be it.

At one point a few weeks ago, in a 12-team league, I had the #2 QB (Brady) the #1 and #5 RBs (Doug Martin & Trent Richardson) the #1 and #9 WRs (Percy Harvin & Johnson) the #2 TE (Jimmy Graham) and the #2 defense (Broncos).  I also had the #2 kicker, but even the biggest douche on the planet doesn't brag about his fantasy football kicker.  The season-ending injury to Harvin hurts me as much as it does him and the Vikings, and Graham and the Broncs have each dropped a couple of spots....which means that I masturbate while thinking about my team only three times a day, down from the four or five times daily that I was firing off fantasy football knuckle children last month.

She's a fickle bitch, that fantasy football.  I'm just glad to be on her good side right now.  However, after Z-Unit beats me when Malcolm Floyd tosses the ball over his shoulder at the 1-yard line when he thinks he's already in the end zone, or Richardson shoots himself in the leg at a nightclub, or Bridget Moynahan kidnaps Brady's newborn girl and sets off a Lindbergh Baby situation...then you can be sure that I'll be back to whining and complaining about fantasy football again.  That and shamelessly bragging about your team are really the only two things it's good for.

***************

Unrelated, but hilarious:  this cartoon of Jacoby Ellsbury trying to convince Dustin Pedroia to let him try his first chew.  I will now be using phrases like "tripping balls" or "Dip-dip-dip-dip-dip-dip-dip-dip...Dipalodeon!" when I'm about to put in a chew for the rest of my life.  Hopefully you do too.

30 Years

My memory is pretty ridiculous.  I'm constantly ranking everything, I love making lists, and I'm the historian of my friend group.  I constantly get calls or texts from friends to settle bar bets, or disagreements on how/when/why something went down back in the day.  So what better way to put those skills to use then to rank every year of my life, from best to worst?
FYI, I tried to make this as short as possible, but I could've easily quadrupled the word count for every year.   Probably forgot some stuff too, but I tried my best.  I TRIED MY BEST.

1.  2001: I turned 18 right at the end of 2000, so the first part of 2001 was spent going to the casino almost every weekend (and many weekdays, immediately after class got done at 12:30....senior year was awesome) honing my Blackjack skills little by little.....I graudated high school, Ike & Jake got an apartment and we spent the summer boozing our faces off....I took my first real road trip without my parents, out to Seattle and Portland....I moved into the dorms with Paul, and the first semester of freshman year of college was maybe the most fun time of my life (except for 9/11, obviously.)

2.  2008:  KU wins the national championship and basically completes my existence....I attend my first Kentucky Derby and first College World Series.....Ike, Paul, ADawg get married, and between all those wedding weekends it was like I lived in North Dakota again.

3.  2004:  Red Sox win the World Series, "my" first championship as a sports fan after years and years and years of disappointment....poker took over our lives, in a good way, and Ike built a kick-ass table that we kept at Culligan and had like three poker nights a week....flippy cup became the go-to game at all parties, and some bars, and pretty soon we were banging out best-of-seven-best-of-sevens routinely....also a good year for Culligan shenanigans, not to mention it was the Anchorman and Chappelle Show era.

4.  2012- I made the two greatest additions to my household ever by getting engaged and buying a Golden Tee (don't ask me to put those two in order though).....maybe the most fun Kentucky Derby yet, knocked the Home Run Derby and the Ryder Cup off my bucket list....this has arguably been my greatest gambling year yet, including hitting on 'I'll Have Another' to win the Derby.

5.  1994- Probably the best year in video game history:  NHL '94, NBA Live '95, Mortal Kombat, etc. etc....6th grade rocked too, had the coolest teacher ever....although Easy E and I did hit a bump in our friendship when he thought I was hitting on his girlfriend Katie, when really I was in 6th grade love with her twin sister and I was just trying to get in with the family.

6.  2002- Freshman year of college and living in the dorms finishes up...we definitely started drinking in class- but only the easy ones, don't worry!.....kickball games in the Walsh Quad  begin their storied history (Chapter 11 of that book will occur on December 23rd, be there!)....Culligan era begins....Fundy and I start our playoff baseball drinking game of drinking a beer every half-inning (I can't remember much of the 2002 playoffs, didn't the Brooklyn Dodgers win that one?)....my all-time favorite KU team loses in the Final Four.

7.  2003- Probably the height of Culligan/driving to Canada/underage shenanigans before we all start turning 21...although we did discover Charlie Brown's and a rebirth of our blackjack addiction....however, I unquestionably hit my low point in sports fandom, after KU lost to Syracuse in the championship, Roy left for North Carolina, and the Red Sox blew Game 7 to the Yankees, and I trashed a bunch of stuff in the parking lot as horrified bystanders looked on....also I skipped going to Cancun with Paul, Fundy & Russell because it was Hinrich and Collison's senior year and I didn't want to miss any of their last tournament run.

8.  1999- Sophomore year of high school was easy, I had awesome teachers and we caused all kinds of in-class shenanigans....we started having house parties when parents were gone; I miss the days where I could get drunk of off four Rolling Rocks....Star Wars prequels come to theaters, don't judge me, I loved them....I quit summer school after half of one class, and spent the summer playing pool in Ike's basement.  Best decision ever.

9.  2005- Definitely the most up-and-down year....for the most part, it was unreal....our March Madness trip to Chicago, Louisville and Indianapolis was legendary, and led to the KU/Bucknell night....crossed the #1 item off my bucket list when Easy E took me to The Masters...got my #2 item also, when T.Nels and I went to Boston and Fenway Park....also took a west coast road trip with Easy E and ADawg and saw San Fran, LA, and Vegas for the first times...at Springfest, I accomplished my lifelong goal of drinking for 24 hours consecutively....however, there was a stretch of a couple months where Paul and Amber had graduated and moved away, and Easy E wasn't back from Iraq yet, so I was without my three best friends, school was kicking my ass, and I was as close to depressed as I've ever been (I don't want to belittle the definition of depression, I still had it pretty good; I'm just saying, I missed my friends a lot and was pretty bummed.)  Without that, this would be a top-3 year.


10. 1992- My first real experience with The Summer Olympics, and they (the Dream Team in particular) were fantastic....at my birthday party, we went skating at Engelstad Arena and Aubol got his forehead skated over and I took one look and puked on the ice (I've never been a fan of hospital-based shows)....WE FINALLY GOT OUR ELUSIVE SEGA GENESIS FOR CHRISTMAS, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH GRANDMA AND GRANDPA, SUCK IT MOM AND DAD!!!!

11.  1996- I officially took up golf, and the Bergman brothers and I basically lived at the golf course all year.  We sucked up the college girls who worked at Subway and got free subs for lunch and dinner, and we golfed from sunrise to sunset almost every day of the week....it was our last summer without jobs and we did it up right....I feel like we also threw a LOT of water balloons at passers-by in 1996.

12.  2007- Moved to Kansas....Red Sox won the World Series...got banned from Shooting Star Casino....got my first big kid's job....my golf game was horrible since I barely played.

13. 1993- A year spent balls-deep in video games, baseball cards, and Starting Lineups...also neighborhood games like Hot Box, Jailbreak, etc.....however, I did quit our Play-It-Again traveling basketball team because we had practice during the Elite 8, I didn't want to miss the games, Dunph told me if I didn't show up I was off the team, I handed him my jersey and enjoyed KU advancing to the Final Four just the same.

14.  2011- Maybe my best golfing year ever...crossed Lambeau Field off the bucket list....got job at KU across the street from Allen Fieldhouse....the March Madness trip to Fargo, in which we literally did nothing besides watch basketball, gamble, booze, and only left Fundy's house to go to the bar down the street and play blackjack and watch more basketball, was one of the most fun vacations I've ever taken.

15.  1997- The flood destroyed the basement of our house and cancelled the rest of the 8th grade year RIGHT BEFORE I was going to make a move and ask out the girl of my dreams, instead we went to rival high schools and I didn't talk to her again until we were at the same wedding last year....otherwise great year!

16.  1995- Lots more sleepovers, baseball cards, and video games....I discover actual hip-hop, and suddenly, instead of singing along to country songs on the radio in the car with my parents, I'm listening to Dr. Dre quietly in the basement so my parents don't hear the explicit lyrics.


17.  1988- The Hammonds family moves from Washington DC to North Dakota.....weather sucks....but I start making some of the friendships that I still have to this day.

18.  1998- I got my driver's license and my first car....last half of freshman year of high school was brutal, probably the most homework I've ever had for some reason...our 9th grade basketball B team would've beat most A teams in the EDC, we were a juggernaut....I may have played three or four 162 game seasons in Ken Griffey Jr. baseball for Nintendo 64....DVJS and I started playing basketball together and we haven't stopped since.

19.  2006- I graduated college....crossed Wrigley Field off the bucket list...took a HORRIBLE Vegas beatdown over March Madness....friends were moving away left and right....the legendary "Guys on the Couch" Culligan era, starring Noles, Horp, JonJon, Big D, etc. begins winding down.

20.  1991- Highlight of the year is Dunph and I getting banned from being in a class together ever again, due to "Disruptive sports arguments during class time."  We were way ahead of our time- Wilbon & Kornheiser ain't got shit on us.

21.  2010- Not many fun trips that year besides Kentucky Derby and College World Series, didn't attend any weddings....KU lost as a #1 seed in the second round....just kind of a blah year

22.  1990- This is the year I started getting really serious about following sports; KU, the Red Sox, Knicks, and the Houston Oilers in particular....however, still not a Nintendo to be found.

23.  2009-  Had a fantastic Chicago trip and discovered drinking with Wizard Sticks...but got laid off from my first big kid's job, which pretty much ruins the last half the year for me....the recession was not so much fun.

24.  2000- Junior year of high school sucked....Y2K ended up being a dud, I was really hoping for some action there....our family + Easy E came this close to moving to Maryland, we were so out the door that we didn't even register for classes in time, and we missed the first few days of school.  Have you ever said goodbye to all your friends, then come back a week later like "Just kidding!  We're not moving anymore!  Anybody wanna trade lockers?  I'm with all the freshman now"....Awkward.


25.  1989- Basically every single friend of ours who didn't already have a Nintendo got one for Christmas....but due to my parents' hatred of video games that would be our main battle for the duration of my childhood, we did not get one.  WORST.  CHRISTMAS.  EVER.

***************

Now, even with my memory, I'm not going to pretend like I can rank the first six years of my life.  So I'm ranking them in order of Emilio Estevez movies from that particular year, from best to worst.

26.  1985- The Breakfast Club- obligatory pick here.  Plus St. Elmo's Fire came out this year, so '85 was a tour de force for Emilioooooo!

27.  1986- Maximum Overdrive- great movie where all the machines come to life and (of course) are instantly evil, the entire soundtrack is performed by AC/DC, and Emilio & Friends end up being held hostage at a gas station by a posse of semi-trucks.  Possibly the most 80's movie there ever was.  Highly recommended.

28.  1983- The Outsiders- Stay golden, Ponyboy!  Great movie and great 7th grade reading material.

29.  1987- Stakeout.  Emilio has a killer 'stache in this one, which is about the only opinion I have on this movie.  Pretty forgettable.

30.  1982- Tex.  I suppose I didn't really need to include this year, since I wasn't even around for a whole month.  And OK, I'll be honest, I haven't actually seen this movie (has ANYBODY?)  But it has to be better than....

31.  1984- Repo Man.  One of the worst movies I've ever seen in my life.


Here's to 2013 ending up at the top of this list, am I right Emilio?

30 Years Old In Body, If Not Necessarily In Spirit

I turned 30 on Sunday, and did way too much boozing and not nearly enough sleeping last weekend, and so I've been feeling closer to 50 than 30 the last couple days.

But reading the Facebook status of a certain uncle of a friend yesterday, I was, however briefly, made to feel young again.  (For our purposes, we'll call him Randy S.  No, wait, that's too obvious.  Let's go with R. St. Aubyn.)  Here's his status:

I can't believe how low some people are getting. I get home from work tonight and baby Jesus is missing from our nativity set out in front of our house.


Upon reading this, what was my immediate emotion?

A.  Outrage at the offending party
B.  Shame for my role in a Baby Jesus robbery spree 11 years ago
C.  OHHH SHIT, THAT'S HILARIOUS, SON!
D.  Nostalgia for the good old days
E.  Both C and D

The answer being, of course, E.  Really, I do feel sorry for Randy (even though he is a K-State fan who blows up my Facebook wall every chance he gets, which for college basketball ends up being once every seven years or so) but you know what?  People stealing Baby Jesuses (Jesii?) from nativity scenes still makes me giggle a little bit. I'm not quite mature enough to resist laughing at that.

So maybe I'm not all 30 years old yet.  Still seriously hungover, though.

Mystery Solved

I have been tremendously enjoying the song 'Little Secrets' by Passion Pit for a few months now, but every time I heard it, something was tugging at the back of my brain.  Why did this song sound so strangely familiar?  Why did it cut right to the core of me?

Finally it hit me:  it sounded like the song from after you beat the game in Streets of Rage 2.  Now I might like Passion Pit even more.




Also, Streets of Rage is one of those games that I rarely play solo; we pretty much only dust it off when a North Dakota friend comes to visit.  We inevitably fire it up at 2am for old times' sake, beat the game, then send off a round of texties- for proof, of course.  The last time this occurred, when Paul came to visit last February, I sent off the equivalent of the screen shot below at about 6:30 in the morning.  Back in the day, the picture texts we'd be sending each other in the wee hours after drinking all night were usually, ahem, a bit more scandalous....but we all have to grow up sometime, right?  (Please ignore for the moment that by "growing up" I'm talking about playing Sega Genesis after a night of boozing here.)

Anyway, now I'm all hot and bothered about Streets of Rage right now, but the timing works out OK, since Morley and Beaker are coming to visit this weekend, and the probability is high that Morley and I get our Sega on, while Beaker and Teens drink wine and talk about being engaged or Channing Tatum or menstrual cycles or whatever it is that girls talk about.  Fundy, Easy E, Paul, Noles, etc....get ready for a blurry photo of Axel and Max standing over a fallen Mr. X sometime this weekend.  I know you're trembling with anticipation.

Catsgiving

I am extremely thankful for many things in 2012, including but not limited to:

Bill Self; the Golden Tee machine in my basement; Jumbo Jenga; Bane's accent in The Dark Knight Rises; the random guy on the internet who records hundreds of basketball games and then sells them for like $3 apiece (what up Rod Phillips, holler at your boy!); Ben McLemore; hanging out and playing cars or watching Thomas the Train with Finn; Nerlens Noel's hair; the Chiefs being so bad that you can buy tickets for $3.95 on Stubhub; 'I'll Have Another' at the Kentucky Derby; this song from 1968 that I didn't hear until this year; and the TV show Workaholics.

But I do have one grievance.  Lately there has been a stray cat running around our property, sometimes sneaking into the garage to steal dog food* and even shimmying up a post to our upstairs patio.  Teens has taken to calling it 'Mittens' and wants to set out cups of milk and make it a little bed and crap like that.  On the flip side of that coin, it's a well-known fact that I hate cats.  I'm deathly allergic to them, I hate them, and this particular one is trespassing.  It is a trespasser, and it steals things, and I think I even heard it mewing racial slurs the other day.  I have named it 'Adidas', because if I ever get close enough, that's what is going to be imprinted in its gut after I boot it out of the garage.  We already have rabbits, foxes, possums, and coyotes running around the backyard; to quote one of my all-time favorite Homer Simpson lines, "It's like a freakin' Country Bear Jambaroo around here!"  We don't need to add a mangy, almost certainly disease-ridden cat to the mix.

So watch yourself, Adidas the Trespassing Cat....I'm not thankful for you this year.


*To everyone who knows me well and read that sentence and gasped, thinking I finally broke down and bought a dog....no, we don't own a dog.  We keep a bag of food in the garage because we dogsit my future brother-in-law's family dog, Bentley, every couple months or so.  I'm sure someday we will get a dog (SOMEDAY!) but that day is still a long time away.  Fortunately, I already have the name picked out:  Doctor Richard Kimble.  And I'll train it to be a search & rescue dog, like the kind that tries to find escaped convicts or missing children, and we'll find a scrap of a sweatshirt sleeve that has the scent of a suspected murderer on it, and then I can have an excuse to constantly yell "YOU FIND THAT MAN!" at him.  Anyone else want to watch The Fugitive right now?  That movie is so awesome.

Welcome To Dumpsville, Population: THE BIEBS!

I always knew my boo Selena Gomez was too good for you, Bieber.  Go play in traffic.

We'll see if my Selena obsession increases now that she's single for the first time in a few years (you know, cause I have a shot now!)  I don't think she'll ever reach Hilary Duff-like proportions for me (true story: back in the day, I had a recurring dream where I was Hilary's boyfriend on the side, like she couldn't bring me out on the red carpet or anything, since she had to keep up Hollywood appearances, but she would secretly fly out to North Dakota every few weeks and spend the weekend with me.  And every time I'd wake up deliriously happy for a couple minutes until I realized it was a dream.  So that gives you a little taste of the Hilary Duff era for me.)

However, even though the top spot will probably forever be out of reach, Selena can settle very nicely into the #2 spot of my all-time "You May Think It's Inappropriate That I Have A Crush On This Girl, But I Say That Age Ain't Nothin' But A Number" List.  Just ahead of Shawn Johnson of USA gymnastics fame, Cassie Steele from Degrassi, and Emma Watson from Harry Potter, in case you care.

Oh, and just in case I'm not being creepy enough already......don't sleep on that younger sister in the Dunphy family on Modern Family, either.  They nerd her up for her character on the show, but she is gonna be a smoke show someday soon.

OK, we'll wrap this up, now that I've been flagged by every internet sex offender watch list on the planet.

*This post has the express-written consent of the future Mrs. Jum Hammonds.  She even follows Selena on Pinterest (or Instagram or something, I don't really know) solely for her to hand her phone over to me every once in a while so I can creep on some photos.

Mourning The Beard

Sooooo James Harden got traded to Houston by Oklahoma City.

I'm a little bit behind with this post, since I was trying to not have a knee-jerk reaction to the trade, and wanted to analyze it without being biased by the glass case of emotions I was trapped in for the first few days after the trade.  And what I've found is that it still sucks.  Big time.  As I thought about it more and more, it surprised me how bummed I am by the trade.

So I constructed a scale, from lowest to highest, on the levels of heartbreak when a favorite player/coach leaves a favorite team:

1.0- The guy who you loved at one point, but then he either sucked, or his personality pissed you off, or both....you're basically saying "Good riddance" as he walks out the door.

PERSONAL EXAMPLES:  Roger Clemens, Vince Young, Nomar Garciaparra, Grady Little.

2.0- One-and-dones in college basketball.  You don't really hate them, and there wasn't really enough time to get too attached....but there is some bitterness about them leaving so soon.  Like a girl who you take out on one date, and then she immediately stops returning your calls.  Oh, really?  A free dinner and two hours of conversation, and you've already decided you're too good for me?  FINE, YOU'RE A BITCH ANYWAY AND NOT EVEN THAT GOOD LOOKING AND I BET YOU DIE ALONE.

PERSONAL EXAMPLES:  Xavier Henry, Josh Selby.

3.0- The guy who was great while he were there, but there just wasn't really enough time for him to become one of your absolute favorite players.

PERSONAL EXAMPLES:  Jason Bay, Adrian Gonzalez, Victor Martinez, Adrian Beltre.  (Although there was this routine with Martinez and Beltre, which was hilarious, and makes me a little wistful for the days when the Red Sox had a little something called "team chemistry.")

4.0- The guy who you loved, and you hated to see him leave, but it was directly after a championship, so all negative feelings are basically disallowed.

PERSONAL EXAMPLES:  Derek Lowe, Mario Chalmers, Brandon Rush, Darrell Arthur.  The quote that I'll probably always remember:  We've just finished partying downtown after KU won the title in '08, and we're back at Kyle's place, to have more beers and immediately re-watch the game (not much sleep that night).  I was already looking ahead to the next year, bemoaning the fact that we were probably going to lose a bunch of guys early to the NBA draft, and Kyle looked at me, incredulous, and exclaimed, "Who the fuck cares, dude?  We just won the championship!"  Completely changed my outlook on things.

5.0- The guy who is no longer productive/worth the money to pay him-- but you hold no ill will, you'll mainly remember the good times. 

PERSONAL EXAMPLES:  Eddie George, Haywood Jeffires, Pedro Martinez, Jeff Fisher.  We'll see if Josh Beckett ends up here.  For now, Beckett is probably closer to an 8.0.  Also, look for Chris Johnson to be on this list somewhat soon- if not next year, then for sure the year after.

6.0- The guy who broke your heart when he left, but subsequent events have lessened the blow.

PERSONAL EXAMPLES: 

- Wade Boggs (he ended up being a giant cockbag after he went to the Yankees)

- Julian Wright (my second favorite KU player ever, but we won the title the year after he left)

- Roy Williams  (obviously he used to be a 10.0 on this scale, but since we beat the shit out of Carolina in the '08 Final Four, won the title, and then beat him again in the Elite 8 last year....I just can't hate him anymore.  I also didn't anticipate that Bill Self would become the greatest college basketball coach in the country, so that helps too.  Nothin' but love, Ol' Roy).

7.0- The guy who left somewhat unexpectedly, but understandably.  Most times you can't really be mad at them, it wasn't really their fault, but damn, it still would've been awesome if they had stayed.

PERSONAL EXAMPLES: 

- Terry Francona (run out of town, fuck you Boston ownership + media)

- Steve McNair (run out of town and later murdered, fuck you Tennessee ownership + media + crazy ex-mistress)

- Marcus & Markieff Morris (there was no way to tell at the beginning of the year that they would blow up like that and become lottery picks...they had to leave for the NBA when they did, but damn, considering KU only had 6 legitimate Division I players last year and still went to the title game....we probably could've used the Morris Twins).

8.0- The guy who you don't want to leave, no matter the circumstances.  YOUR BOY.

PERSONAL EXAMPLES: 

- Warren Moon (there was the crazy playoff game against the Bills where the Oilers blew a 35-3 second half lead and lost, then the next year Moon led them to the best record in the AFC, but Joe Montana and the Chiefs came into town and upset them in the playoffs, then WHAM!  Moon gets traded to the Vikings, see ya later.  That sucked.)

- Manny Ramirez (who did about everything short of stabbing a homeless person on his way to getting run out of town-- and I think even if he would have knifed Ol' Johnny AlleyDumpster, I still would've been calling for the Red Sox to pick up the team option on his contract for the next year.  There is almost literally nothing that Manny could do that I wouldn't forgive him for.  I think they could announce that Manny shot JFK, made the decision to keep the troops in Vietnam way too long, AND was responsible for 9/11, and I'd be like "Well, yeah, but he absolutely murders left-hand pitching, is an RBI machine, and is probably the greatest hitter in postseason history, whaddya want from him?")

9.0- The guy who was responsible for your love of the entire team.  I'm pretty much making up this category for Harden.  He doesn't quite fit in 7.0- even though this is mostly OKC's fault, and they should've just paid Harden his money, it's not quite that simple, since Durant, Westbrook, and Ibaka all sacrificed money to stay, and Harden had previously announced (multiple times) that he would do the same.  He's not quite 8.0 either, since this goes beyond just liking the player.  We'll get back to Harden.


10.0-  Your favorite guy going to the hated archrival.

PERSONAL EXAMPLE:  Only one.  Johnny Damon going to the Yankees.  Nothing will ever be on this level for me again.  I was in shock for days when it happened, even seven years later I still can't really believe it happened, and I will never fully trust athletes again because of it.

So back to Harden....

I already knew that he was my favorite non-Jayhawk college basketball player ever, and the reason I officially jumped on the OKC bandwagon immediately after the 2009 draft, but I kinda assumed that after three years of serious fandom, I was equally attached to the rest of the team.  I was a full-fledged NBA fan again, after years of half-assing it.  (Tangent:  when I announced that Teens and I were engaged, my friend Steph was in the middle of a fe-mance with Teens (or whatever the girl version of a bromance is).  Steph squealed in delight and asked if I thought she would be one of Teens' bridesmaids, to which I replied "What?  You guys have only known each other for like three months!"  To which Steph replied, deadly serious, "Well, yeah.....but it's been a GREAT three months.")  OKC has only been my team for three years....but it's been a GREAT three years.

So now with Harden gone, what's left?  I love Nick Collison, obviously....I've always loved watching Durant, even when he was playing for Texas and dropping 25 points in the first half at Allen Fieldhouse against KU....I've come to enjoy Maynor and Ibaka and kinda Westbrook....but does that make a favorite team?  Not really.  Do I cheer for the Rockets now?  Harden, Marcus Morris, Cole Aldrich, and enjoyable characters like Jeremy Lin and Chandler Parsons?  Go back to the Knicks, and pretend like I didn't ditch them six years ago?  I have no answers.  So now I'm an NBA orphan again, with nobody to really cheer for.  Which is why, for now, Harden is at a 9.0 on my scale.  This isn't just about the Oklahoma City Thunder; it's about the entire league.  He hasn't quite killed the NBA for me, but he has definitely kidnapped it and tied it up in his basement.  And his ransom demands aren't being met, so he's debating whether or not to just finish the job, dump the body, and get out of town before the cops get too close. 

You know what I mean.

The Top 5. Volume 18 UPDATED

Back when we had a comments section here on The Slice, after a Top 5 post, there were usually great comments about what I missed, or what I had too high or too low.  Now, in the post-apocalypic wasteland of NoCommentsVille, these opinions come in the form of texts or emails or Facebook posts.  Even if they didn't convince me to change my rankings, they were still entertaining for everyone to read.  Along those lines, I received this, from reader Alfonso in Chicago, IL:

"Pretty sure you forgot the shimmy the dude does on Chappelle when he's mowing the lawn in his leather outfit.  You know, the gay dude.  Dave asks to see it again.  You know.  I don't know why I keep trying to explain it."

 Besides cracking me up with his text (he went on to talk about how his alias is Alfonso purely because of the Carlton dance) he's absolutely right-- I did miss that one.  Gay lawn mower guy, you're in the #5 spot.  Jack Black, you're out.







(What, did you think I was going to blog about the election today?)

Halloween Parties? Bah, Humbug

I haven't dressed up and gone to a Halloween party since 2006. I just don't have as much fun getting all dressed up in a costume to do my boozin'.  Lately, I've been called "The Ebenezer Scrooge of Halloween" and that's pretty appropriate.

BUT, if I were to go to a Halloween party tonight....is it a bad thing that, without having to go out and buy a single thing, I could go as Jason Sudeikis' character from the 'What's Up With That?' Saturday Night Live sketches?  The only difference is my gold chain has a dollar bill sign at the end of it, but other than that, I'm (theoretically) ready to go.  I've already got the B-boy moves and everything.

Also, below is a link to a page full of 'What's Up With That?' dancing gifs, which will surely make your world a better place.  Happy Halloween party weekend, kids.  Have fun at your stupid jerk parties for jerks.

http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/what-up-with-that?before=1313636344

The Top 5. Volume 18.

A few months ago, during a men's basketball game in the Olympics, Kevin Durant started busting out this little hop and shoulder shake move from the bench when one of his teammates threw down a huge dunk.

(Hey, remember the Olympics?  When everybody is the biggest sports fan in the world, then immediately forgets about them and doesn't mention them again for 3 years and 11 months?  The two most annoying timeframes in the social media world are 1. Presidential elections, and 2. Olympics, by a huge margin.  But even I can't digress this far, this early in a blog post.  Moving on....) 

Both JDub and I caught on to this shimmy separately, and immediately began incorporating it into our lives.  Shortly thereafter, we were teammates in beer pong at a house party, and we were absolutely insufferable (even more insufferable than normal, I should say).  If you fool around and put two of America's most wanted in the same mutha fuckin' place at the same muthafuckin' time! the two of us on the same team in any sort of event, we're always gonna have a steady stream of shit-talking going.  But that night we were able to add a little Durant shimmy after big shots, and piss people off even more.  Since then, I've been trying to figure out my favorite shimmies of all-time.  The ones I like to bust out from time to time, usually in the comfort of my own home when nobody is around, but occasionally firing them off in public.

FYI, because you care so much about the rules and regulations of my top 5 lists, I defined "shimmy" as a dance move which could be accomplished in a couple seconds or less.  Unfortunately, that rule eliminated these beauties, since these are more dances than shimmies:


- Kevin Youkilis/Jonathan Papelbon, 2007 playoffs (starts at :20 mark)




- Danny Green, before every UNC home game in his college basketball career (couldn't embed it, starts at :18 mark)


- Michael J. Fox's dance in Teen Wolf (starts at :31 mark)





- And, of course, the infamous Carlton dance from Fresh Prince.   Forget Michael Jackson or Justin Timberlake or Paula Abdul or Christopher Walken or whoever....for my money, Carlton is the greatest dancer of our generation.









Which leaves these as my top 5:


5.  Jack Black in High Fidelity

Specifically, the little spin move at the :37 mark.  This one might rank higher, but the one time I tried to pull this off in public was the summer after graduating high school, attending the first wedding of my life in which I was, as the expression goes, "drinking my effing face off."  Somebody requested "Walkin' On Sunshine", I tried to spin around with the same grace and agility of Kung Fu Panda, and I spun out of control and headbutted the bride.  In my defense, I had been drinking all day before the wedding, the college kids were corrupting the shit out of me, and it was easily the drunkest I had ever been in my life at that point.  I'm not sayin, I'm just sayin.'





4.  Charlie's Butt Dance from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

This one gets two versions.  The first one has the shimmy more well-done and on a loop, but the second one includes the manic Charlie giggle that is impossible to impersonate, and part of why he's one of the greatest TV characters ever.








3.  Jamie Foxx as Steamin' Willie Beamen in Any Given Sunday

I've talked about how I'm bitter about this character since the writers clearly stole the name Willie Beamon from my imaginary football league from when I was in elementary school and playing with toys.....but I can't punish this timeless shark-fin classic (at the :49 second mark).




2.  Kevin Durant in the Olympics

This spot seems about right.  Part of the appeal is it's such an out-of-character move from somebody who's usually so quiet and reserved.






1.  The robot dance guy from Chappelle Show

For those of you who didn't watch Chappelle, this is the guy who randomly showed up every few episodes or so, never having a speaking line, never doing anything but his robot dance, but always drawing huge laughs.  For those of you who did watch Chappelle, you're probably familiar with this guy.  For those of you like me who live and breathe Chappelle and have entire sketches memorized, you probably knew at the beginning of this post that this guy would be #1.  (My apologies for the youtube video inexplicably playing 'Sandstorm' like it's a K-State home basketball game-- I hate when people jack around with videos on youtube with dumb songs-- but it's the best version I could find with multiple instances of the robot dance.)  Either way, this dude is the greatest.

What's Yours Is Mine...

One of the random bonuses of cohabitation, that you don't really think about before the fact:  getting to combine DVD collections.  Something I've noticed since moving to Kansas:  I don't know if it's the weather, or just a general increase in things to do and ways to spend disposable income, or the weather (IT'S PROBABLY THE WEATHER, YO) but people in Kansas don't own near as many DVDs as people in North Dakota.  Amongst my childhood friend group, I probably only have about an average-size collection (that sentence could've went another direction).  But down here, the number of DVDs I own has been a source of ridicule-- upon walking into my basement for the first time and seeing my DVD rack, my buddy Franklin exclaimed "What the fuck dude, are you opening up a video store or something since Blockbuster closed down?"

Anyway, here's my breakdown of Teens' movies that have now become mine as well.  (Although my DVDs are still my own.  One of my favorite Bergman-isms, that I have used somewhere around 50 times since Teens moved in a few months ago:  "What's yours is mine and what's mine is MINE!")


MOVIES THAT I'M LEGITIMATELY EXCITED TO ADD TO THE COLLECTION

Office Space- One of those movies that Paul owned, and we lived together for so long, it kinda felt like mine too.  By the time he moved out, I had seen it 100 times anyway, so I just never got around to buying my own copy. And now it's back in the mix!  Although it would be a happier story if I was moving in with Paul again, instead of Teens.  Maybe someday.  (Side story:  when we were kids, Paul was the first person any of us knew who owned a DVD player, and he was proud of it.  For months afterward, every time he called me to hang out, it would go something like "Hey, whaddya doing tonight?  Wanna do something?  Maybe, I don't know, go get some food, or golf, or.....maybe rent a few DVDs and crash at my place?"  I mean, the exact same line, verbatim, EVERY single time.  To this day, it still cracks Brother and I up.)

Old School- See Office Space.

My Girl- Such a good movie.  Whenever my generation talks about our favorite movies from the early 90's that we loved as little kids, it's always The Sandlot, or The Mighty Ducks, or Jurassic Park, or Basic Instinct, and My Girl always gets unfairly overlooked.  Dammit Macaulay Culkin, why did you have to fuck with that beehive?

Gia- Just a brutal movie, but Angelina Jolie spends a TON of time naked.  No clothes.  Just a complete and total lack of clothes.

Cruel Intentions- Man I loved this movie when I was in high school, when we thought that Sarah Michelle Gellar was the hottest girl in the world.  I haven't watched it since then, and I'm excited to see how it holds up when I get around to watching it next.  (My guess:  Not well.  But, you know, SMG in her prime and everything.  There's still some optimism over here.)

10 Things I Hate About You- I have probably watched this movie 30 or 40 times on TV, but have never actually owned it.  Fast forward to this scenario, which will happen at our house sometime in the next year: Teens comes home some night earlier than expected, and I'm sitting on the couch with this movie freeze-framed on a shot of Alex Mack wearing that red dress with the push-up bra, and I've kidnapped the neighbor's dog and totally lubed myself up with peanut better.  Could be fun.


MOVIES THAT I ALREADY OWN, SO NOW WE'RE GONNA TRADE ONE OF THE COPIES IN TO THE USED VIDEO GAME STORE SO I CAN BUY MORE SEGA GENESIS AND/OR SUPER NINTENDO GAMES-- I'VE TOTALLY HAD MY EYE ON SUPER MARIO ALL-STARS FOR AWHILE NOW

Karate Kid- One of those movies that made me think I had a keeper on my hands when I saw it on her DVD shelf.

The Departed- Ditto.

Saturday Night Live- Best of Will Ferrell- Ditto x 2.

The Dark Knight- If Teens hadn't have owned this DVD, it might have been points against her.  Everyone should own this DVD.

Garden State- You guys heard me when I said Angelina gets naked a lot in Gia, right?

Butterfly Effect- And I thought I was the only one.

Dodgeball- Ditto.


ARE YOU SERIOUS?

(Note:  I was originally going to include S.W.A.T. on this list.  When I first saw that Teens owned this movie, I made some sort of "Congratulations, you and LL Cool J's mom are the only two people on the planet who own this movie" joke.  But then I remembered that Paul also bought this movie (and switched his career path to police officer shortly after) and then Teens and I sat down a little while ago and watched it....and it was actually pretty entertaining.  Also, out of all the angry bisexuals who could kick my ass in this world- of which there are many- Michelle Rodriguez is definitely the hottest.) 

On to the actual movies on this list:

2 Fast 2 Furious- Not an absolutely horrible movie in its own right....but I think it's weird that Teens owns this one and not the first one-- and, even weirder, she hadn't even SEEN the first one until a few months ago when we DVR'd it and I made her watch it, in all its Vin Diesel-like glory.  Have you ever heard of anybody who bought the second DVD in a series without even having seen the first one?  Now you do.

Goo Goo Dolls Live In Alaska- I can't believe that this particular group of words exists in this particular structure in order to make this particular DVD title.  I really can't.  With all the craziness and chaos in this world we live in.....this DVD actually exists.

First Wives Club- If Teens is even watching, much less owning, movies like this one....remind me to never divorce her.  Paging Dr. Ikes, please.  Dr. Yee Ikes, you have a phone call at the front desk.

Save the Last Dance-  Of course she owns this movie.  Of fucking course she does.

Steel Magnolias/My Best Friends Wedding- DOUBLE FEATURE Y'ALL!!!...of Julia Roberts bullshit.  I don't care if this double disc only cost like $4 in the random-ass DVD bin that they throw in the middle of one of the aisles in the clothing or food section at Wal-Mart....you got ripped off.

Center Stage- To be honest with you, I have no idea what this movie is, or anything about it.  But this is the DVD cover, so that's enough for me.  Life doesn't hold tryouts, bro.

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In general, it's been pretty awful since spammers took over the comments from all the posts and made me remove the commenting ability from the blog.  I loved your comments, and the arguments that would sometimes break out in the comments section.  (And for those who have asked:  Yes, I tried enabling comments again recently, and within two hours received about 15 spam emails.  Comments back off).  But the one positive: now Teens can't comment and defend herself on owning some of these DVDs.  What can I say, sometimes bad things happen to good people.

#White People Problems

I was golfing so poorly on Saturday afternoon that I straight-up walked off the course in the middle of the round, for the first time since I was like 14 years old.  Literally unhooked my bag from the cart, told Kyle I was sorry for being a little bitch, but I had better things to do on a beautiful autumn afternoon than have the biggest golf-related physical and mental breakdown of my entire life, and walked 400 yards back to the clubhouse.

Big ups to Kyle for finishing his round and appropriately filling out the scorecard.

Kobe And A-Rod Pep Talk

This may have been one of my favorite headlines and stories of all time.  As far as my personal sports tastes go, this article might as well have been titled "Hitler offers pep talk to Darth Vader after destruction of first Death Star".

http://espn.go.com/los-angeles/nba/story/_/id/8514604/kobe-bryant-los-angeles-lakers-offers-pep-talk-alex-rodriguez-new-york-yankees

I love the idea of Kobe giving a pep talk to anybody.  The biggest asshole of an athlete since Michael Jordan?  The guy who constantly calls out/belittles teammates and ex-teammates alike in the press?  The guy whose inability to co-exist with Shaquille O'Neal and Phil Jackson (granted, you should probably place close to equal blame amongst all three of them) ended up destroying the best NBA dynasty in years?  I'd love to hear Kobe's words of inspiration, especially when a couple of days earlier, he was reacting to A-Rod being pinch-hit for (when he was currently hitting .130, and keep in mind the guy who pinch-hit for him hit two homers to tie and win the game) with quotes like "I don't like that. That's not good for the chemistry of the team. I'm going to have to call A-Rod."

I love it.  Damn, Kobe and A-Rod make it easy to hate on them.  Wouldn't change a thing.
Top 10 people Kobe probably told A-Rod to blame for his slump during their "pep talk":

1.   Shaq
2.   Joe Torre
3.   Derek Jeter
4.   Cameron Diaz
5.   Smush Parker
6.   Baby Jesus
7.   Mitch Kupchak
8.   All female employees of the The Lodge & Spa at Cordillera
9.   Phil Jackson
10. Madonna

***************

Speaking of the Yankees, this has been about as enjoyable as a baseball postseason can be without the Red Sox being involved.  Tons of exciting games, walk-off wins, the Yankee fans hating on their team like they just went, ahem, 69-93, instead of being in the middle of a playoff run....I'm digging it.  And now that the Yanks are on the brink of elimination, I can sit back and fully enjoy the playoffs-- which is something I usually can't do until I know it's not possible for the Yankees to end up with a championship.  Remember when I broke down who I hated more, the Yankees or Duke?  Nowadays, it's not even close.  I hate Kentucky more than Duke these days (because of Calipari) and my hatred of the Yankees remains as high as it can be.  Go Tigers!

Really? This Guy?

I got an email from my old roommate Jillian the other day with this video and the simple line: "This video makes me think of you! :) miss ya"






Now, ignoring for a moment that this video is kinda hilarious, and that this actually happened on some town's evening news, and that I can't imagine my reaction if I was a resident of that town and had watched it live.....

What?!?!  THIS is what I remind you of?  I know I can be a goofy bastard sometimes, and my love for the Ghostbusters theme is well documented, but damn.  I'm pretty sure I've never rocked the classic pumpkin mask and black spandex combo, and I THOUGHT I had better dance moves than that.  I think it was worse because she didn't even try to play it off as busting my balls or anything like that.  Just straight up honesty; this video really did make her think of me.  Congrats on your Backhanded Compliment of the Year Award, Jillian.

Side note:  I've played this video for five people now, and all five have either cried laughing, or come extremely close.  So if you don't laugh at this video....you're a racist.

UPDATE:  I've been told that the embedding isn't working for some people, so if it doesn't, here's the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4IC7qaNr7I&sns=em

90% Of My Text Conversations With Fundy

A little background info for the non-college basketball fan so this makes more sense:

1.  Bill Self just got a big raise, so he's now making almost 4 million a year until 2022.
2.  I "also" work at KU.  Even though it might as well be another planet, theoretically, we're getting paid from the same source.
3.  A few ex-KU players are allegedly customers of this giant marijuana ring that was recently busted by the feds.
4.  When Tyler Hansbrough's mom worked for UNC, she was allegedly using university funds to do shady things like travel around the country.

The point of posting my own text conversation and counting it as a blog post:  this is what it's like to be a college basketball fan right now-- or just any sport, really.  Do I talk shit to Fundy about how KU beat UNC in the Elite 8 last year?  Or maybe the beat-down from the 2008 Final Four?  Does he brag about how UNC stole KU's coach, then won more titles in four years than KU has in the last 20?  Nope, we go right for pot-smoking and Hansbrough's mom.  Every school has its own scandal somewhere; it's just a matter of when it will come to the surface, and all you can do is hope its nothing too awful.  For instance, I will GLADLY take a Johnny Dakota scandal over, say, getting busted paying your players or something.  A huge majority of college basketball players smoke weed; to think otherwise is naive.  Such is life in the sports world in 2012.  Sometimes I miss the innocence of youth.  All we had to do then was rock our Starter jacket and blindly love our teams, and we didn't know about the sometimes seedy underbelly of recruiting, jersey chasers, cheating in class, etc. etc. etc.  Oh well.

***************

Get it?  Johnny Dakota?  GET IT?  I don't mean to mistrust you guys, you're usually pretty quick on your feet.....I just really wanted you to get that one.

Giving My Ryder Cup Weekend The Ol' Thumb-Diddely

THUMBS DOWN:

- To me.  At some point, I have to realize I'm not 23 anymore.  Getting a little tipsy on Friday night, going to bed at 2am, waking up at 5, spending the entire day on my feet at the golf course, then going to Katie and Alfonso's place and drinking until 4am is just not gonna cut it.  That's a 23-hour day, let's get serious.  In the moment, I can usually hang, which gives me false confidence that it will be no problem, and then I'm hungover for three days afterwards.  Then, the next time I find myself in a similar situation, all I remember is how I could totally handle it the last time, and I gloss over the being hungover for days afterward part. 

- To Team USA's performance on Sunday (to clarify, I wasn't there; we only attended in person on Saturday).  I don't really feel like breaking it down and rehashing it all, or going into detail on how much blame to put on Davis Love III (choosing Furyk for the team, sitting Mickelson and Bradley on Saturday afternoon, etc.) or any of that stuff.  The whole day just sucked.  As awesome as the '99 comeback at Brookline was, I had never even considered what being on the other side felt like.  Now I know.  Felt as bad as a KU tournament loss or something.

- To people in the crowd who yell something they think is funny immediately after a golfer hits his shot.  "You da man" and "Get in the hole" are so 1997.  "Baba booey" or "Bang biscuit" are irrelevant and don't even make sense (Gangel, before you correct me-- I know that "bang biscuit" is from the DP show-- but he doesn't yell it for golf shots, does he?)  And if it's anything longer than like five words, then nobody is listening anymore.  This isn't to say that people yelling things at golf tournaments isn't funny (see below) but just not in the two-second timeframe right after the shot is struck.  Come up with something original, at least.

THUMBS UP:

- To the atmosphere at the Ryder Cup.  Just phenomenal.  Like I described before the weekend, the ability to clap and cheer for European missed putts or bad shots, and chanting "USA!  USA!"....you just can't put a price on that.  We paid a scalper $150 for our tickets, and I easily would've paid double that and felt like we got a steal.

- To random celebrity sightings.  First there's a buzz that rolls through the crowd as people see/hear that the celeb is coming, then the celeb actually walks by, and you can actually FEEL their presence.  It's wild.  Tiger, Michael Jordan, guys like that...there's really nothing you can do besides just stare at them the whole time they're in your area.  It would've been the same way for Michael Phelps, but then we realized he was strolling around with a couple of Dirties, so it kinda took away from his aura a little bit.  Then he led everyone in a rousing, fist-pumping chant of "USA!  USA!" and it was all cool.  Goosebumps restored.

(One of the funniest moments of the day...shortly after Phelps and the rest of the people following that group walked through, and the crowd was starting to die down...all of a sudden some random guy comes straggling through the walkway, and someone in the crowd yells "Hey everyone, look!  It's THAT GUY!"  And the entire crowd explodes and starts chanting "That Guy!  That Guy!"  Probably the best moment of that dude's life.)

- To Jud and CK's cooking.  We had a little watch party on Sunday with Jud, CK, Katie, Alfonso, Chelsey, and Mike and they laid out a spread for us.  Pork tenderloin, mac & cheese, sliders, rice, etc....whenever the man and the woman in the relationship both enjoy cooking, you know you're going to be in good shape.  Unfortunately, this is never a joy that Teens will ever know.  My contribution to hosting any dinner party will either be a) paying money to have food catered or delivered; or b) a party platter of bagel bites, pizza rolls, and bite-sized Hot Pockets.

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Overall, it was a phenomenal trip.  Big ups to all who participated.  (That includes you, American Airlines.  You really stepped your game up when I needed you the most).  The thing that kinda sucks about it is that my first Ryder Cup experience will forever be associated with the biggest collapse in Team USA history.  Definitely tarnishes telling the story about how I attended the Ryder Cup in person.  It's like, how many Buffalo Bills fans do you hear bragging about being at the Super Bowl, you know?  Or how many people are excited to break out the photo album from their honeymoon to Pearl City, Hawaii in December 1941?  Maybe I'm exaggerating a bit.  But you get it.