Hide The Money Y'all! There's Poor People 'Round!

Yes, I'll Have Another won the Kentucky Derby, and yes, I cashed a NICE check.  Right around $1,100, and I owe it all to that dumb bastard Chaddy and his inability to handle his booze.  My inability to lose money at the Derby is becoming ridiculous.  As Fundy texted me after the race, "The rich get richer!".  However, in true "Hammonds can be an insufferable know-it-all douchebag when he's drunk" fashion, I didn't get to enjoy the victory until about 10 minutes after the race....

Here's how it works in the infield at Derby:  since you're in a big field with about 100,000 other people, you're only watching the horses up close for about 10 seconds as they run past you, and the rest the time you're staring at one of many jumbotrons they have set up.  Depending on your angle, and the color/number combination of the horse, it's really tough to tell who is in what place sometimes.  This is how it came to pass that everybody within a 50-yard radius of our group thought that #15 had won the race (I'll Have Another was #19.)  There was one dude holding out, who swore up and down that #19 won.  We had put fake tattoos of our horses on our forearms earlier that week, and now I was flashing mine at this guy, playing the whole "Dude, I would know if it was 19.  I have a lot of money on 19.  I have a fake tattoo of 19 on my arm.  I WISH it was 19....trust me.  It's not fucking 19 that won that race" card.  If you've got drunk with me and we've had a sports argument, you know the face I was making the whole time, too.  We started polling people retreating from the frontline back to their camps...EVERYBODY but this one random guy was saying the winner was #15.  Then, all of a sudden, they updated the jumbotron with a different view, one that clearly listed the win, place, and show in a more prominent font size.  And that's when I realized that it was indeed a 19.  And that I had indeed won over a grand.  And that I am indeed a douche.  Although that random guy and I shared a gigantic hug right at that moment, so I'd like to think he forgave me.  If not, then the 50 bucks that I gave him did the trick.

Then Tony (who had jumped on my bandwagon hard and bet even more than I did on I'll Have Another) and I spotted each other, did a running flying shoulder bump, and proceeded to act like the black people receiving reparations in the Chappelle Show sketch for the next couple hours.

And because this has been the busiest week of work in my life (maybe even worse than tax season) and all my lunch breaks have been about 12 minutes long, and because of my unwillingness to spend much time blogging at home anymore, that's about all I have time for.  (I know, Easy E, it's weak sauce.  Blogging, like pimpin', ain't easy.)  But don't misconstrue that as nothing funny happening this year; on the contrary, this may have been my favorite year yet.  Great crew, great hustle, great stories, great inside jokes, great time. 

I was literally crying laughing at least five times throughout the weekend-- and almost literally crying, period, when some girl with a nose ring tore me apart during the Thursday bar crawl, when I inadvertantly walked behind the bar on my way through to the other section.

Nose ring girl:  That's not the walkway, BRO.

Me:  I know, that's a confusing setup...wait, wait, wait. I'm not your bro, BRO. (thanks Harold & Kumar for that comeback.)

Nose ring girl:  Ohhhh....~pause to gather up her most disgusted facial expression~...YOU'RE A BRO.  With your POLO, and your HAIR GEL, and your WATCH!

Me, with no absolutely no comeback, and my eyes almost welling up with tears:  Ummmm, I'm gonna go back to my friends now?

The worst part is my hair is pretty short right now, my polo cost like $6 at Old Navy, and though my watch is kinda baller, I found it in a parking lot in Iowa, so what the hell?  Actually that's the second worst part.  The worst part is that she used one of my favorite sarcastic insults and turned it on me hard.  I'm lucky Nose Ring Girl didn't see me the next day at Oaks-- now THAT'S a bro:

***************

Kentucky Derby weekend is always insane amounts of fun...it just managed to be fun AND extremely profitable in 2012.

Derby Up!

This year's Derby edition should be exciting, as we have added a few fresh-faced rookies to the 12-man squad (Tony, Tom, Katie, Jill); recaptured somebody after a two-year sabbatical (Kyle); re-signed the always entertaining wild card (the incomparable Slough); and of course have the cagey veterans signed to long-term contracts (Schne, JV, Tim, and I'm including myself, as this is now my 5th year in a row.)

I'm a big believer in betting strictly on a horse's name in the main event, since the last few years that race has been mostly a crapshoot anyway. Sometimes it pays off (Big Brown) sometimes it doesn't (Mission Impazible, Homeboykris). I guess at that point of the weekend, I barely care about betting smart anyway; it's more fun to wing it. This year's Derby field happens to include a horse named "I'll Have Another". I'm most likely going to bet more on him than any other horse I've ever bet on, and I'll tell you why:

Back in college, Paul and I both kinda fell into seperate Bromances with a couple of guys that we worked with at our respective jobs. After awhile, we found out that our two Bromances were also roommates with each other (what are the odds?) and a full-fledged four-way Bromance bloomed. Pretty soon our entire friend groups were combining for nights out on the town, and legendary shenanigans ensued. (This was also the period in college where Paul and I rarely said anything that wasn't an Anchorman quote, the Red Sox won the World Series, and despite it being my toughest year of school as far as accounting classes were concerned, I was getting b'd out on the reg during the school week. So in other words, one of the greatest stretches of my entire life.)

One night Paul and I were out getting rowdy with our Bromance crew (they called themselves the Sauce Monsters, whereas we were the Warriors, and sadly, that's not a joke. We've got t-shirts and everything.) Chaddy, who was undoubtedly the lightweight/bitch of their group, got particulary shitfaced, and without warning, started projectile vomiting ALL OVER the bar, without moving from his stool. When the carnage was over, and everyone within a 20-foot radius was done screaming and backpedaling, he calmly lifted one finger off the bar, and with puke dripping from his chin, casually told the bartender: "I'll have another." Needless to say, a catchphrase was born.

My only concern is that there are going to be a million other douchebags like me who will like this horse for the very same reason. As of now, I'll Have Another is going off at 15-1, but I'll bet that he becomes the favorite before everything is said and done. Not the worst thing in the world, but obviously it's more fun to bet on an underdog.
On a scale of 1-10, I'm super excited to leave tomorrow morning.

You Put Two Of America's Most Wanted In The Same Muthafuckin' Place At The Same Muthafuckin' Time?

Full backstory:  when I was younger (younger meaning from 1996 all the way until probably about six months ago) I believed that Tupac faked his death.  I had done hours and hours of "research", to the point that when I based my final Lit paper in senior year of high school on this topic, I barely had to crack a book since I already knew pretty much everything.  (Yes, I got an A on the paper.  When I did my final speech on Tupac the next year in college, I got an A+ and a "Wow!" comment from the professor.  West Si-yeeeeeed!)



So I have to admit, when I watched the first couple seconds of this clip, my heart skipped a beat or two, since I had not heard anything about this hologram stuff at Coachella prior to loading this video. That was some realistic shit.  If this had occurred in 2003 (when I originally predicted Pac was going to resurface from faking his death) I would've started running around the room and calling all my friends before I could've realized it was a hologram and not really a human being. And can you imagine if I was actually at Coachella, with no prior information, under the influence of who knows what kinds of drugs, and all of a sudden Tupac just magically appears onstage?  That would've been my heart attack that I've been waiting on for a few years now.  The filthy grounds of Coachella, surrounded by hipsters and portapotties and cigarette butts and glowsticks and sunglasses being worn at night, would've been my deathbed.  Game over, man.  Game over.

OK, real talk:  I still think there's a chance that Tupac faked his death.  I'm not ready to give up that dream yet.

An Emotion Says A Thousand Words

Wanna know the exact moment when I was the most nervous in the last week or so? (Hint:  it wasn't when I got down on one knee and asked somebody to be my wife, until death do us part.)  It was when Bergman came to visit last weekend, we fired up the Sega for some NBA Jam, entered in our names, and it looked like our all-time records had been erased.  That was easily my biggest freakout of the week.  We hadn't lost a game since 2007, yo!

Don't worry though, turns out Bergman had put in the NBA Jam Tournament Edition cartridge, and our records were saved on the original.  Still, it was a rough 20 seconds or so before we found out.  Boomshakalaka!

Damn You, Brangelina

You're a real son of a bitch, Brad Pitt. One-upping me on our respective engagements like that. (Although I'll allow it if, when Brad got down on one knee and held up the ring box, Angelina did her best impression of Brad's weird faces during the ending of Seven. "What's in the baaaawwwwx?!?!?!?!" That would be awesome. If it didn't go down like that, then I'm still pissed at them.)




Scattered thoughts from getting engaged:

-- Ring purchasing, somewhat surprisingly, was a generally positive experience. As long as you're OK with the fact that you're spending thousands of dollars to put a small object on someone else's hand-- as opposed to buying a Golden Tee for your basement, paying for a lifetime supply of Chipotle burritos, or having the greatest weekend in Vegas EVER. It was kinda fun walking into the ring shop, being supplied with free beers, and spending some time learning about Emerald cuts and balancing carats and all that hullabaloo. I went in knowing nothing....and left knowing slightly more than nothing. After I made my selection and signed away my dream of owning my own Golden Tee anytime in the next decade, Gem Diamond and I slapped hands and exclaimed "Bada BING!....Bada BOOM!" so hopefully Christine's finger doesn't turn green now. I don't want to have to get Kung Fu Screech involved.




-- In order to lure Christine to a nice hotel in Kansas City without making her suspicious, I had to tell her that we were meeting Dunph, since he routinely stays in KC hotels for work, and our usual plan is that he leaves me a room key in case he isn't done working for the day yet. (TRUST me, involving Dunph in something as sacred as a marriage proposal hurts me more than it hurts you. It was too perfect a setup to pass up though.) Christine was so in shock that after saying yes, her first question was "Soooo are we still meeting Dunph?" and her second was "Are we still going to Jack Stack for dinner?" I think her brain was just firing off random questions at that point, like when Mel Gibson's wife is dying in Signs. Swing away, Merrill.

(Also, as far as Kansas City BBQ is concerned, there's Jack Stack, and there's everything else. Anyone who says any other place is better is either lying or wrong.)

-- Something I will laugh at when thinking about this night, probably forever: Teens is tall and skinny, sometimes wears glasses, and has a red-and-white-striped shirt that she wears from time to time. She made the mistake of wearing it the first time she came to North Dakota to meet a bunch of my friends last year, and within an hour she had picked up the nickname Waldo, for obvious reasons.


Since she had no idea last weekend about what was going to happen, and she wasn't too concerned about what she was wearing....she was sporting the Waldo shirt again. I was on the fence on whether or not I wanted a photographer there, ultimately deciding against it. If I would've known she was gonna be getting her Waldo on when I proposed to her, I absolutely would've brought one along, mostly for comedic purposes. That shirt is awesome.

-- If I was doubting my proposal at all (I wasn't) and needed a confirmation as to why I wanted to marry this girl (I didn't) I received one almost immediately, anyway. After the initial excitement of her saying yes died down, we hightailed it downstairs to the hotel bar. We were housing beers probably within 10 minutes of her saying yes. Hey, we have plenty of time to consummate this thing later...but right now we need to get down to the bar. Free cocktail hour ends at 7:30, bro!

-- I have a friend (who shall remain nameless) who has a girlfriend who is, um, ready to be proposed to. This friend and his GF also happen to be visiting soon, and he requested that I wait to propose until after they visit, so as not to send his woman into Proposal Frenzy (as is wont to happen with girls in this situation, as every dude on the planet who has ever been in a relationship knows.) After initially agreeing, I ended up not waiting for them to visit first. It was in the aftermath of me telling him my plan, and that it was happening immediately, that he wrote this suggestion for my proposal, which I found hilarious:

“Teens, you have been the brightest light in my life since I met you, sure I’ve had a best friend since I was 6 years old, but you mean so much to me and I just couldn’t wait the obligatory Best Friend Two Week Buffer after purchasing this fine ass ring. You look a bit confused but don’t worry, Dunph’s not here, this was the first of many lies I will tell you for the rest of our lives, until death do us part. And I couldn’t be happier spending it with anyone else. Marry me Teens and let’s get rose petal stains all over this bed!”

Life Support

You know that scene at the end of Smokin' Aces, where Ryan Reynolds is in the hospital, holding the life support cords of the two bad guys, searching his soul for a few seconds before saying fuck it and pulling both the cords? (I'm not offended if that scene doesn't ring a bell-- I'm probably in the 99th percentile of Smokin' Aces enjoyment. It's one of the few things I can't successfully recommend to people, along with the movie Hot Rod, the song 'Tom Hark' by the Piranhas, and getting people to call Bud Lights 'BL Smoothies' (copyright Gangel) and Busch Lights 'BL Rockies'. Oh well.)

ANYWAY, I'm Ryan Reynolds right now with this blog. I should probably yank the cord, but I'm not quite to the point where I just say fuck it and pull. I clearly don't have enough time or willingness to keep this thing entertaining anymore (I'm sure you've noticed the sharp decline of both quantity and quality the last six months)....but after almost six years, it would be a weird feeling to not have this outlet for random thoughts anymore. Mostly I'm just bored with listening to myself.

Stay tuned, I guess.

2012 All-Ugly Team

Bench:

Tyler Zeller, North Carolina. Both Carolina and the Ugly Team loses Zeller's ears to graduation this year.

Mike Bruesewitz, Wisconsin. He shaved his Carrot Top 'fro, which kept him out of the starting lineup this year.

Brandon Triche, Syracuse. To quote Dr. Dre, circa 1992: "Gap teef in yo' mouf, so my dick's gotsta fit!"

Matthew Dellavedova, St. Mary's. Looks like he should be playing someone's bratty little brother in an 80's teen comedy. The little brother who is constantly trying to peek in his sister's bedroom when she has a slumber party or something like that.

David Stockton, Gonzaga. Classic case of a dude growing shitty facial hair in an attempt to differentiate themselves from a famous father/sibling/son. His 'stache is almost like the hidden object in a Magic Eye picture...you have to concetrate and squint really really hard to see it.

Teeng Akol, Western Kentucky. With a forehead like that, he had a receding hairline by age 6.

Brady Heslip, Baylor. Let's not get it twisted: if he played for KU, he'd definitely be one of my top 5 favorite Jayhawks of all-time. Let's see: he's got shitty, greasy-looking hair that he constantly has to brush out of his eyes; he's an unathletic white guy who used to be 30 pounds heavier and still somehow got recruited to a D-I school; he does almost literally nothing besides shoot open 3's; and he loves to throw up the Three Goggles after makes. The more I think about it, he'd probably be my favorite Jayhawk ever. Still time to transfer, dude....

Starting Five:

Ryan Kelly, Duke. If I ever saw him on the street, the only thing I could ever think to say to him would be "Nuhhhhhhhhhhhh."



J'Covan Brown, Texas. Left early for the NBA, presumably because the feedbag at his locker ran out of oats, and Coach Barnes wouldn't refill it. (Get it? Cause he looks like a horse? I know, that one sucked. Whaddya want from me? It's Saturday morning, I'm hungover as balls.)


Deniz Kilicli, West Virginia. Still ugly as hell, but he's definitely been beefing up since he got to school; he could put me in the hospital with both arms tied behind his back. Let's hope that cavemen don't know how to use Google yet.


Hugh Greenwood, New Mexico. Remember Hermie the Elf from the Rudolph movie? The one who didn't want to be an elf, he wanted to be live at the Island of Misfit Toys and be a dentist or whatever? Turns out he did neither-- he grew up and played basketball at the University of New Mexico.



Anthony Davis, Kentucky. For the first time in All-Ugly Team history, the Captain is also the best player in the country. It's tough to make a original unibrow joke about Davis, since the whole country has been making them for seven months now, but I'll try: it looks like Gordon from Sesame Street had a kid with one of the puppets.

You Know, The Nazis Had Pieces Of Flair Too

You know in Office Space, when Peter has his interview with The Bobs and while talking about his lack of work ethic, tells them "In a given week, I probably only do about 15 minutes of real, actual, work." That quote reminds me of KU in this tournament so far. In five games, they've probably only played about 20-25 minutes of real, actual, basketball. The last time they had a lead at halftime was against the 15-seed Detroit in the first round. Against Purdue, they trailed for 39 minutes of the game. Against Ohio St., 37 minutes. They were neck-and-neck with Carolina until finishing the game on a 12-0 run. Despite playing their C- or D+ game for over 75% of the tourney, somehow it's been enough to get them to the championship game. Forget about KU, I don't know if I've watched ANY college basketball team in my lifetime have a run of games like this in the tournament. So weird.

For the record, I don't think they can pull that same routine off against Kentucky. The (W! I! L! D!) 'Cats are too good for KU to spot them a huge lead and hope to come back against a defense that is as good as the Jayhawks. But for the first time in my basketball-watching life, if my team does fall behind early in a tournament game, I won't immediately look to mash the panic button or jump off the ledge. This team is mentally tough enough to keep it close. If KU can just keep within striking distance, I wouldn't bet against them the last stretch of the game.

Say, maybe, being down 9 with 2:12 left against a John Calipari-coached team in the national championship?



And if Kentucky does win, and they're crowned National Champs? Well that may be.....but at least I didn't sleep with Lumbergh.

(Full circle with Office Space, bro. Totally nailed it. I was gonna wrap up with comparing Kentucky's program to Initech, and how they represent "everything that is soulless and wrong!" but figured that I already got that rant out of my system late Saturday night when I was hammered. On the phone. With Christine's mom. Dammit.)

Final Four? Why Not!

I think I'm just going to stop trying to analyze college basketball. If you would've told me a few months ago that this year's KU team would be in the Final Four, I would've been floored. All year long I've been saying they're just not that good. (Actually, I've still been kinda thinking it, but here's what I overlooked: this year's starting five has developed REALLY well. Yeah, our first guys off the bench are two walk-ons and a transfer from a mid-major, but when you have a potential player of the year, a third-team All-American, and three other starters who range from mediocre to outstanding from game to game, that's not so bad. I just got used to the KU teams from the last few years, who were legitimately 10 or 11 players deep. Just because the bench is shitty doesn't mean the team is. Maybe we're not so bad. Who needs five-star recruits when you can develop players like Coach Self and his assistants? Forget about the Xavier Henrys and Josh Selbys of the world.)

Either way, I've enjoyed this year's ride immensely. Because the Jayhawks have been so good the last few regular seasons, only to "choke" against a higher-seeded team every March, the tournament has almost brought a sense of dread for me. Every single game is a heart attack waiting to happen; I can't enjoy a thing until the final buzzer. But once the 2012 edition reached the Sweet 16, I was happy. The season was officially a success; everything after that has been gravy. True, NC State was technically an 11 seed, but should've been at least an 8, and was playing at about the level of a 3 or 4 for over a month. Beating Ol' Roy and UNC (sans Kendall Marshall, although Stillman White did have 7 assists and no turnovers) was extra salt and pepper sprinkled on top of the gravy. It's rare that I can go into a Final Four with such a flagrant "Happy to be here" vibe......but it's happening this year.

Other thoughts:

- I'm excited for the Kentucky-Louisville matchup, since it's always fun when two teams that hate each other play late in the tourney....but I think Kentucky could win by like 30. They're just at an entirely different level right now. Except for maybe Carolina in '09, no team has run through people like this since....when? UNLV in '90? That's about all I've got to compare them to in my lifetime. You know that scene from the Simpsons when Homer gets all fat and works from home and talks about not missing rush hour traffic, and does the whole "Gas, brake, honk. Gas, brake, honk" routine? I apologize for this clip, since some guy remixed it to a shitty rap beat, but it's the only one I could find. Anyway, that's what Kentucky reminds me of when they go on a run. Steal, dunk, block. Three ball, block, dunk. Steal, three ball, steal. Block, block, dunk. They're unbelievable. As much as I hate to say it...it's Calipari's title to lose. Here's why I love Chuck Klosterman: he usually finds a way to say what I and many others are thinking, but can't express nearly as well.

- Not likely to happen, but a thought I had the other day: what happens if KU beats Louisville for the title? When I go to the Derby (37 days and counting) do I wear all KU gear and bravely face the wrath? I'm leaning towards no, since I'd obviously be wayyyy outnumbered, and that could quickly turn into a "This is SPARTAAAAA!!!!" situation. But we'll re-evaluate if it comes to that.

- An epiphany I had over the last few days: when it gets to be playoff time for your favorite team, what you're really cheering for, besides the championship and bragging rights, is time. I didn't want to be done reading articles and message boards and obscure websites. I didn't want to be done trading 35 texties a day, breaking down KU's chances and scouting Ohio St. I didn't want to be done watching youtube clips of Elijah Johnson's insane (-ly stupid) alley-oop to Tyshawn Taylor against Purdue, or Jeff Withey's 10 blocks against NC State, or the Tommy Seebach Band Apache video (unrelated but what? I still like to watch it.) I didn't want to be done getting that nervous, excited feeling randomly throughout the day, whenever I thought about this coming Saturday night. And with the Jayhawks making the Final Four out of nowhere, I'm lucky enough to have received an extra six days of this stuff. I just don't want the season to be done yet. Not yet.

- KU's chances on Saturday? I'm officially the wrong guy to ask. I've thought we were done since about three minutes left in the 2nd-round game against Purdue, when I was hunched over at the bar and barely able to look at the TV screen (what Kyle affectionately calls "Hammen Close-Game Puke Mode.") I'm just happy to be here. To borrow a phrase from the 2004 Red Sox, a phrase which I've also beaten into the ground practically every time my flippy-cup team has fallen behind at least 3 games to 1 in a best-of-seven and had to mount a drunken comeback:

WHY NOT US?!?!?!

My Answers To March Madness FAQs

My Final Four? Kentucky, North Carolina, Marquette, and Ohio St. Kentucky and Carolina are easily the two best teams, and since Ol' Roy is relatively upset-proof since he left Kansas (thanks for that, guy) I feel pretty solid on that championship game. I never pick games with my heart, but I physically could not write the word 'Missouri' in the Final Four spot, even though I think they can make it. I would grab the pencil, and end up with words like 'Misfjkejf' or 'Missonniregwecnk'ff' or 'Go Fist Yourself Missouri'. So Marquette it is. They can play small ball and match up well against Mizzou anyway. No, seriously. And yes, I had Ohio St. penciled in there before Fab Melo was deemed ineligible for Syracuse. I've been on the Buckeye wagon all year.

I looooooove KU's bracket, except for the fact that the team I wanted to face the least in the Elite 8 was Carolina. Partly because they're have seven McDonald's All-Americans, partly because they're playing well, and partly because Elite 8 games are stressful enough without having to go up against your old coach and a bunch of your buddies who cheer for the opposite team. KU killed Carolina in the '08 Final Four, we got our revenge on Ol' Roy, and that was that. Let's not add another chapter to this book.

But am I terrified of KU losing before the Elite 8? Of course. Have you watched the Bill Self era? In the last seven years, KU's season has been ended by a team seeded at least eight spots lower four times. That is an insane statistic. These effing mid-majors, dude. I think I'd rather play all top-notch teams the whole tournament; KU has more success against them, and it's not a world-ender if they lose. And heads up in the first-round game-- people are calling Detroit the best 15-seed in history (so naturally KU gets them.) They have more McD's All-American's (1) than KU does (0). I will be watching this game with both hands pressed against my temples, massaging in a clockwise rotation, while hammering down nervous beers (Nervous Lites, as we call them.)

Upsets? Mini-sleepers? Like Freddy Mercury and his bad mistakes, I've made a few. (Please somebody get that one....) I've got Long Beach State in the Sweet 16, where they meet up with Memphis, who goes on to the Elite 8. I've got Montana over Wisconsin. NC State over San Diego State. I really wanted to take St. Choose Your Own Bonaventure over FSU, but couldn't quite pull the trigger. Same with New Mexico St. over Indiana, Ohio over Michigan, and Belmont over Georgetown. Don't be surprised if any of those upsets happen. And I'm not a betting man, but for those that are, you'd be doing yourself a disservice to not at least look at the money lines for KU losing to Detroit or St. Mary's/Purdue in the second round.

No, I did not get both Thursday and Friday off to watch games. Unfortunately, between not having a ton of vacation built up yet at this (relatively) new job, and needing a lot of time off later in the year, I could only take off Thursday, and even that is because I'm having a small oral surgery done in the morning and using sick time for the rest the day (RESOURCEFUL.) So between doing taxes (2008, 2009) and being at a new job that has sapped my vacation time (2010, 2012) last year was the only year I've been able to be sans work both days of the first round. After an entire lifetime of never missing those games-- my parents used to let me skip school to stay home and watch tourney games since I was never sick and never missed school otherwise-- this is unacceptable. This will be the last year of my life that I have to work during this two-day stretch. Mark that down.

My champion? North Carolina. I'm a little worried about their toughness, which is weird considering they're the tallest team in the country, but it's just easier for them to get shots than anybody else. They'll gladly run if you want to run with them, but when games slow down and it becomes a half-court game, they've got a couple of highly efficient big dudes to throw it inside to, and capable shooters to surround them. If they do meet Kentucky in the championship, it has the potential to be the greatest championship game of all time. Not that my blind hatred of Coach Calipari would let me enjoy it.

Sorry Dudes

I'm well aware that I'm a shitty blogger these days. To paraphrase a line from Mr. Burns from the "Who Shot Mr. Burns" episode, "There has been a shocking decline in both the quality and quantity of your blogging, Waylon. And you will fall into line, now!"

But rather than summon up the creativity needed to follow up that intro with an entertaining post, I'm just here to post links to two awesome things I've seen within the last week, both courtesy of Grantland. Just so you can kill at least a little bit of time while you're here.

1. A March Madness-style bracket of characters from The Wire, done by Grantland. One of those ideas I wish I would've thought of myself. Now I want to do one for The Simpsons, Beverly Hills, 90210, etc. etc. Endless possibilities. So awesome.

2. Anthony Richardson, an internet comedian who does little voice-overs for FIFA soccer video games, with hilarious results. And the one he did for an NBA video game (scroll down on that link) is probably even funnier. Not knowing anything about soccer, but trying to become a fan, has led me to say all kinds of nonsensical things in a heavy British accent while watching games. Basically just cracking myself up while annoying everyone around me. So maybe that's why I think this is so funny-- I'm just enjoying a funnier, more British-sounding version of myself. If Christine were to listen to these clips, she'd probably breakout in hives or seizures, as she is reminded of me when I'm at my (arguably) most annoying. I, on the other hand, could listen to Richardson all day. My kind of dude.

FYI, my blogging will probably only get worse from here. It's March Madness, I have no room in my brain for anything else. It's science.

Border Warring

Thoughts from Saturday's KU/Mizzou game, that will go down in history as one of (if not the best) game in Allen Fieldhouse history (it's one of the most intense rivalries in all of sports; it was the last time they'll ever play in the regular season, after 100+ years of hating each other; both teams were ranked in the top 5; and KU came back from a 19-point second half deficit to win in OT):

-- I can't believe how good Mizzou played. Visiting teams just don't come into the Fieldhouse and shoot that well and play that fearlessly. KU has won 91 of their last 92 at home-- and the one that they lost was because Thomas Robinson's mom died in the middle of the night the night before, and the whole team and coaching staff stayed up the entire night before a 2 pm game. And that's their only home loss in over five friggin' years. I remember when Mizzou went up 15 or so that I realized I had never even seen this kind of score on the scoreboard before.

-- Why do I walk downstairs to pee in the main floor bathroom at the Fieldhouse? Because you'll see at least one celebrity/athlete/former KU player every single time. At halftime on Saturday, I was at a urinal in between Gary Woodland and Clark Kellogg. I took this as a good sign for a second half comeback.

-- Normally I'm a pretty pessimistic fan, while Kyle is the upbeat one. I'll never be the first one to truly believe in a comeback; I usually climb on the bandwagon begrudgingly. But for whatever reason, we completely switched roles on this day. He was pretty much comatose during the whole comeback and overtime, not really believing what was happening, and only really celebrating once it was all over. The vast majority of my fist bumps and high fives (and even a full-on man hug in OT) had to come from the 60-year-old guy on the other side of me. I feel slightly uncomfortable about that hug now, but in that moment it just felt right. This old Adam Sandler sketch comes to mind.

-- So while Kyle had shut down and climbed into a shell of himself, I had compartmentalized the 19-point comeback into small fragments to keep my sanity along the way. Like if we could get the lead down to 12 by the 12-minute mark, and down to 10 by 8 minutes, down to 5 by 4 minutes, etc., then we'd be in good shape. So as the minutes went by and the baskets piled up and the lead narrowed, I kept going back to my mantra as my go-to chant. So there were lots of people giving me confused looks when Connor Teahan would bury a three and I'd throw my arms in the air and exclaim "4 by 2!!! 4 by 2 babyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!" But it's in the crazy times that you yell the same weird things over and over again. If you're a sports fan you've been there.

-- I still have no idea how I feel about this year's KU team. I can't really convince myself that they're very good, even though there is plenty of evidence to the contrary. They have a great starting five, arguably the best 1-2 punch in the country with Tyshawn and T-Rob (I can't believe I'm talking positively about Tyshawn after this four-year roller coaster ride) but the bench is a joke. Two walk-ons, a transfer from a mid-major, and IF the 9th man gets in, he'll probably turn the ball over within the first two possessions. But yet they're 24-5, ranked #4, a bunch of wins over top-10 teams, about to win their 8th straight Big 12 title.....I don't know, man. I don't know. They might get upset as a 1-seed in the tourney again this year, but damn they've been better than I thought they would be. Again. Every time you think KU is gonna have a down year, Coach Self just refuses to let it happen. This article sums up my thoughts pretty well.

-- By the time we walked out of the Fieldhouse, it felt like we had been in there for days. Like all of us had just gone on an epic journey together. Like I was Frodo Baggins and the other 16,299 people were collectively my Samwise Gamgee. It wasn't just a game, it was a life experience.

-- And days like Saturday are the reason why I moved down here in the first place.

He Said It

From the guy behind me in line at Target the other day, as he noticed my merchandise included a box of condoms and a Star Wars t-shirt: "THAT is not a combo that you see very often."

Hey man, Star Wars nerds get laid too.



Also, I had this life-size cardboard cutout in my bedroom/dorm room from ages 18-25. That probably doesn't help my argument though.


The funny thing (to me and hopefully at least one other person so I don't look like a dipshit) is that a lot of times when I'm buying condoms but I don't really need anything else, I intentionally buy something weird, just to mess with the cashier. Like I'll get condoms, a coloring book, and a box of crayons. Or condoms, a box of Wheat Thins, and a cheap disposable camera. This time I wasn't even trying to be creepy, and the dude behind me totally calls me out in front of everyone. Such is life, I guess.

Best Pick-Me-Uppers Of 2011

I'm a sucker for pick-me-up songs. I love them for pregaming, for early in the morning, roadtrips, etc. etc. Additionally, my roommate often gets, shall we say, *cranky* when she's at work, and I get lots of emails that say something along the lines of "Work sucks today, give me a fun song to listen to." So I'm always on the lookout for songs of the upbeat, usually cheesy variety. Here are my favorites from the last year or so. Note: as always with me and music, just because they were my faves from the year, doesn't mean they come from this year. Many don't even come from this decade.


What I Am- Will I. Am...I know it's from Sesame Street, and that it was, in effect, recommended to me by a 2-year-old....but I don't care, it's awesome.




A Love Bizarre- Sheila E: funk music is a weakness of mine, and although he's not in the youtube version, Prince and the Revolution make a cameo in the version I have on my ipod.




The Rainbow- Ween: there are many colors in the homo rainbow. Yes, that is Chef from South Park who contributes a verse at the end of the song.




Give It Up- KC & the Sunshine Band: somehow I had never heard of this song until a couple of months ago. One of those moments where you hear it playing in a bar and you're instantly smitten. Back in the day, you'd have to sprint to the jukebox and hope you could figure out what was playing before the song ended. Now you can just Soundhound it on your phone. Technology rocks, brosef.




Tom Hark- The Piranhas: NOBODY I've recommended this song to likes it very much. Most actually hate it and get pissed when I like to play it multiple times in a row. So I don't know what to think, except that it gets me super fired-up to crack a beer, drive 750 miles, punch a stripper, that kind of thing. I'm sorry, I'm not sorry.




We No Speak Americano- Yolanda Be Cool: first heard this song in a drunken haze after a Royals game last summer, and it quickly became a staple of our softball team's pre-and-post game parking lot drinking activities. Now it's showing up on commercials and stuff like that and it makes me giggle every time.




Walking on Broken Glass- Annie Lennox: this is a super gay song, which is usually the sign of a good pick-me-upper.




Joy- Apollo 100: an almost perfect song to walk down the aisle to immediately after being pronounced husband and wife, in my humble opinion. I'm pretty sure this song is on a movie during a wedding scene, but not a serious one. Like 40-Year-Old-Virgin or something.




Livin' in America- James Brown: if you saw me mowing my lawn in 2011, there is an 80% chance you saw me singing this song loudly and dancing like Apollo Creed, not really caring if anyone heard me or not. (Note: this is a terrible idea, since most of my lawn is on a pretty severe downslope. So if you ever hear about me cutting my foot off in a freak lawnmower accident, you can go ahead and blame The Godfather of Soul and Rocky IV equally.) It only takes me about 20-25 minutes to mow, so I usually just listen to this song on repeat about 4-5 times and call it good. "EYE TO EYE!!! Vision to vision!"

It's Happening

Old age is setting in.

It had been awhile since I had what I like to call a Tom Emanski Weekend (my nights of drinking, like his AAU championships, were back-to-back-to-back) and I am still struggling today. I was able to easily rally during the weekend-- cracking the first beer of each day wasn't an issue-- but that was mostly buoyed by the heroic performance from Paul, whose unexpected transformation into Paul circa 2002 was downright inspiring. A proud husband, father, and police officer drinking 40s, playing Streets of Rage, and staying up until 6:30am.....it was like watching a butterfly emerging from its cocoon, only in reverse.

However, as soon as I dropped him off at the airport on Monday, I could feel the tremendous hangover setting in, and it is still living inside me, even as I type this.

I still have almost a year to go until the big 3-0, but if moving on to my thirties feels anything like this after a good solid weekend of hitting the bottle....count me out. Game over, man. Hopefully the Mayans are right.

All Apologies

I was going to write a decent post today, but then I killed pretty much my whole lunch break making prop bets for the Super Bowl and that was that. Try not to be angry; it's probably the most fun (although definitely not the most profitable) gambling day of the year. It's a gambler's delight, between stupid prop bets and the ridiculous $1 running bets we all make during the game. (My favorite $1 moment from last year: during this Doritos commercial, when the pug was charging the glass door in slow motion, JDub bet me a buck that he would shatter the glass. I disagreed, and after collecting my dollar while everyone in the room was going nuts, shrugged my shoulders and calmly said, "He just didn't want it bad enough.")

So quickly, here my prop bets this year, $20 apiece:

National Anthem over 1 minute, 35 seconds- I always take the over during the anthem, it's one of the most fun bets on the board.

Coin toss, tails- another bet I make every year, and it seems like somehow I always lose. You'd think this bet would be a coin flip, right? (See what I did there?)

Neither team will score in the first 6 minutes.

First coaches' challenge, Giants.

First made field goal, over 33.5 yards.

Will Madonna wear fishnet stockings at halftime? No. (I have 5% confidence in this bet, which begs the question: why didn't I bet the other way? Because making smart bets is NOT what the Super Bowl is all about.)

Longest TD of game, under 49.5 yards.

Number of Phil Mickelson's birdies will be more than number of Giants' punts. Probably not a good bet, but I just wanna have my boy Phil involved somehow on this glorious day.

Ray Allen +14.5 points over number of Patriots' points. To the layperson, this means that I need Ray-Ray to be within 15 points of the Patriots. So if Jesus Shuttlesworth can go out that afternoon and drop 30, I'll be OK with that.

Wayne Rooney has more goals than Brandon Jacobs has touchdowns. Another sucker bet, but it gives me an excuse to follow the Man U game earlier that day, and I couldn't resist the +320 odds. Damn I love cross-sport prop bets. (If Schneweis' dad was here, he'd apply one of his Hall of Fame quotes to tell me, "You're being dumb right now. You're being dumb just to be dumb.")

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Paul flies in this evening for what promises to be a fantastic weekend (I haven't even talked about KU at Mizzou on Saturday night yet!!!) Accordingly, this has been me since I woke up this morning: Drunk Ron Swanson.

Perhaps not so coincidentally, that is also my favorite website of 2012 so far. It brings me so much happiness. From now on, instead of saying "This is my Excited Face" like I usually do, I think I'm changing it to "This is my Drunk Ron Swanson Face."

Things That Used To Be Awesome. Volume 3.

Sometimes 1998 doesn't seem like that long ago....and sometimes, in instances like these, it seems like a lifetime ago. How could that song have possibly passed across a supervisor's desk and he said "Yeah, that sounds good, let's go with that for the title screen." Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful that he did, I'm just baffled by it. Call, call, call, call me Junior!





Speaking of music from Ken Griffey Jr. video games...remember the tune from the original game for Super Nintendo? (Probably like four of my friends are saying 'yes' right now. Holla at me Fundy. For the rest of you, the part I'm talking about starts at the 53 second mark in this clip):





That bass line has crawled into my head and lived there for 18 effing years now. One day around eight years ago, I was in a bar and confused as to why the song from the video game was playing. I was also probably confused because we were at Muddy Rivers on a Sunday night, which undoubtedly meant that I was double fisting and carrying a third beer in my back pocket (don't ask me why I could never drink responsibly at Muddy Rivers, I don't have an answer) but that's neither here nor there. I sprinted over to the jukebox and found out that the song that Ken Griffey Jr. & Co. clearly based their tune on was 'The Peace Frog' by The Doors-- a song that I had never heard before. And so I had a new favorite song, a song I still love to this day.





And now it strikes again. Background information: I HATE Maroon 5. I hate them about as much as one can hate a musical artist. Like all those internet memes you see about how much people hate Creed or Nickelback....that's me and Maroon 5. There's nothing good about what they do. I think the term 'douchebag' was created with Adam Levine in mind. But, is the song 'Misery' on my ipod? Yup. Why? Because of the magic Super Nintendo Ken Griffey Jr. Baseball bassline, heard in the chorus of the song. You don't know how much it pains me to deface my blog like this, but you need to hear the example. Nobody said journalism was easy.





If anyone knows of any other songs that contain that bassline somewhere in the song, please let me know, because it's obvious that my brain is incapable of anything other than total devotion to it. I mean, Maroon 5? You've got to be kidding me. 2004 Me is spinning in his grave (and also contemplating not following baseball anymore because Red Sox losses are getting to hard to take, but it's OK. 2004 Me can relax, good times are coming for him in October.)

The Top 5. Volume 17.

The Top 5 actor athletes, based on their various roles.

Honorable mention:

Denzel Washington: Jake Shuttlesworth, He Got Game

He's really only on here for this one movie. Denzel was a good coach in Remember the Titans, but I didn't count coaches for the purposes of this top 5. Besides being one of my favorite movie characters of all-time (if not THE favorite-- my email address in high school was jakeshuttleworth@hotmail.com, real talk yo) there is a Hollywood legend that for Denzel's big one-on-one game with (NBA star) Ray Allen at the end of the movie, director Spike Lee just rolled a ball out there and said play, figuring Ray-Ray would destroy Denzel and give him the desired 11-0 game he wanted for the script. Instead, Denzel scored the opening few baskets and started trash-talking, then Ray got pissed, beat Denzel down, and made for a much better ending. Don't know if that's true, but that plus my love for his character is enough to get Mr. Shuttlesworth an honorable mention.

Jamie Foxx: Willie Beamen, Any Given Sunday

He gets an honorable mention just so I have a convoluted reason to bring this up: when we were kids, Bergman and I played extensively with Starting Lineups-- creating our own players, teams, leagues, and playing out entire seasons. I've got folders full of papers in my old bedroom at my parents' house to back up the level of absurdity we took it to. Anyway, one of my imaginary all-pro cornerbacks from the imaginary Penn Blue Bombers was imaginarally named Willie Beamon, so it pissed me off when Any Given Sunday came out and they used that same name. Also, I had a team in the league named the Dallas Desperados, and my logo was EXACTLY the same as the Arena League team created over a decade later. I'm a little bitter about it. If I would've understood copyrights when I was in 2nd grade, I'd be paid in the shade right now.

Omar Epps: Replacement Willie Mays Hayes in Major League 2, Darnell Jefferson in The Program, Quincy McCall in Love & Basketball

Gets mentioned because he was a solid athlete....misses the top 5 because he wasn't the REAL Willie Mays Hayes (see below) and Love & Basketball was a big-time chick flick.

Woody Harrelson: Billy Hoyle in White Men Can't Jump, Roy Munson in Kingpin

Probably could've made the top 5, but I decided that if I included bowling, then I'd have to include Bill Murray, only because he stole that movie as Ernie McCracken (is there a more fun nickname than Big Ern?) and then I'd be trying to count his roles in Caddyshack and Space Jam in order to sneak him into the top 5 somehow. It just opened up a can of worms that didn't need to be opened. ANYWAY, Woody was pretty solid in White Men Can't Jump, and the same logic he uses in dressing like a nerdy white guy in order to hustle the hustlers at the playground is the same logic that helps me put my headband on before basketball games with pride.

Adam Sandler: Happy Gilmore in Happy Gilmore, Bobby Boucher in The Waterboy

Personally, I hated The Waterboy, except that it gave us one of the best insults ever to throw at a buddy (Needledick.) But Happy Gilmore was awesome enough to get him an honorable mention by itself.

Top 5:

5. Wood Harris: Motaw in Above the Rim, Julius Campbell in Remember the Titans

Two characters that couldn't really be any different from each other, both played to perfection by Mr. Harris. One is a gun-toting gangster that runs with Tupac's team in the All-City tournament and shoots opposing players after a loss (aka "take care yo' bid'ness") and the other is a high school football player who plays a prominent role in integrating the black players onto an all-white team during the Civil Rights Movement. Both totally awesome in their own way. LEFT SIDE! STRONG SIDE!!!





4. Mike Vitar: Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez in The Sandlot, Luis Mendoza in Mighty Ducks 2 and Mighty Ducks 3

When I made this list, I couldn't really decide if I should make it based on how much I enjoy the characters and the movies, or on how much of an athlete the actor really is...so I ended up with a mixture of both. If it was just based on the awesomeness of the movies, Vitar wins #1 in a landslide. The Sandlot and D2 are two of my favorite childhood sports movies. (For the ladies: Jillian the Roommate thinks Benny the Jet was SUPER hot, and is disappointed by how he looks now that he is grown up. I'm not normally in the business of rating middle school boys by their looks, but I guess I just don't see it. Also, he wears jeans in the swimming pool.) In any event, he gets the 4 spot, even if that puts us in the biggest pickle any of us had ever seen. (See what I did there?)





3. Sylvester Stallone: Rocky in Rocky I-VI, Capt. Robert Hatch in Victory, Lincoln Hawk in Over the Top

Including Over the Top is a stretch, I know....but ol' Rambo is fantastic (if slightly hard to believe) in Victory, and frankly, Rocky is a strong enough character to merit top 5 inclusion by himself. Also, have you seen Over the Top? If not, you should. It's about arm-wrestling for your estranged son's love, and things of that nature.





2. Kevin Costner: Crash Davis in Bull Durham, Roy McAvoy in Tin Cup, Billy Chapel in For Love of the Game

Costner rates a little high because Tin Cup is one of the best movies to get drunk to that ever existed, and because he is a pretty believable baseball player, both as a pitcher and a catcher. He also receives bonus points for Field of Dreams. He wasn't really an athlete in that movie, per se, but that was definitely the best game of Father/Son catch EVER.




1. Wesley Snipes- Trumain in Wildcats, Willie Mays Hayes in Major League, Sidney Deane in White Men Can't Jump, Bobby Rayburn in The Fan, Monroe Hutchen in Undisputed

Gets the #1 spot because of his versatility (baseball, basketball, boxing, football, and baseball/basketball/hockey/rollerblading/hoverboarding/whatever you classify Futuresport as.) Also, if Costner gets points for Tin Cup being a good boozing movie, then Snipes gets even more points for Major League, which is probably one of my top 5 favorite drinking movies ever (a list for another day.) Gangel and I were suffering through Hall of Fame hangovers the last time we boozed together, but we threw in Major League, and as soon as the Indians started putting it together and making their run for the pennant, tops were flying off of beers. Say hey!

All In The Game Yo. All In The Game.

Giants (+2.5) over 49ERS

Annnnnd I continue to hate the Giants. This is typical Giants football, that after being one of the most frustratingly up-and-down teams of the regular season, they're going to put it all together, ruin the Packers' 15-1 season, and potentially go the Super Bowl. That's so Raven. Dammit, I hate this team. At least I get to hedge my '49ers winning the NFC' longshot bet and guarantee myself some money...but I hate doing it with the Giants. It brings me little pleasure. It's like if a guy you worked with had some leftover pizza in the breakroom fridge, then he passed away over the weekend. Come Monday, you'd obviously eat the leftovers because, I mean, c'mon-- free pizza. But you wouldn't feel great about doing it.

PATRIOTS (-7) over Ravens

The Patriots are looking dominant, and the Ravens looked mostly shitty last week. (One of the most frustrating losses I've had lately: I was one 4th-and-goal conversion from the 1-yard-line from hitting both the spread and the over. Instead, Baltimore gets stuffed, and I end up losing both bets. After combining for 30 first half points, the teams combined for just 3 in the second half. Get real.)

Jdub and I got into a spirited debate about this game the other night (he thinks the Ravens are a lock to cover) but for me it comes down to this: if you suddenly appeared in the Lone Pine Mall parking lot in a DeLorean leaving flaming tire tracks behind you, hopped out and told me right now that the Ravens won this game, I would definitely raise an eyebrow. If you told me that the Patriots won 38-10, I wouldn't flinch. I just think there's way more potential for a New England blowout than for a Baltimore win (and with single-digit spreads, don't take the points unless you think they might win.) So I'll happily lay the 7-- although I'm hoping like hell that it drops to 6.5. That would make this pick even juicier.

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Back when Sasha Kaun played for KU, after he had a huge block or a dunk or something and there was a break in the action, the Allen Fieldhouse PA crew would fire up this clip from Star Trek. (Currently, Bill Simmons and co. have been beating this joke into the ground for a couple years now, at the expense of T'wolves GM David Kahn. Just know that KU was doing it back in 2006.)

Anyway, there are two prime opportunities for KU to be doing a similar stunt this year. One with Justin Wesley (the clip from Roadhouse right after Swayze rips out Jimmy's throat, then looks across the river at Wesley's mansion and screams Wesleyyyyyyyyyyyyy!-- it starts at the 3:50 mark of this clip). And another one for Kevin Young, using this clip:




I hope you're not looking for a point here, because I don't have one. These are just the things I think about during games sometimes, and I wanted to go on the record in case someday KU uses my idea.

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We recently finished watching the entire series of The Wire, and all I can say is that it's the most involved in a TV show I've ever been. Literal depression is setting in, now that I know I don't have any new episodes left to watch. Even though it was hyped up to me by everyone I knew who had watched it, and every article I read gave it rave reviews, it totally lived up to the expectations. A couple months back, when I told Kyle that I hadn't seen an episode, but had purchased all the seasons and was about to start digging in, he told me he was jealous. Then he got this wistful expression on his face, looked off into the distance, took a slow drink of his coffee, and said, "Yeah. Jealous. Because I've already experienced every single episode, and you have five whole seasons to look forward to. The whole show is new to you, and I'll never get that feeling back again." At the time I thought it was a really intense thing to say....now I know exactly how he feels. WATCH THIS SHOW if you haven't.

How To Mortify Your Girlfriend In 10 Seconds

My love for Taco John's is well documented. I'm pretty sure I've told this story (after 5.5 years of blogging, sometimes you forget which stories you've told) but years ago we did a Taco John's Challenge-- eating as many tacos as we could in an hour. I took down 17, the last few tasting like shredded newspaper and concrete, and was immediately pissed at myself, thinking I had ruined TJ's for me forever. Two days later, I had a six-pack and a pound for lunch, so no worries there.

ANYWAY, it's not embarrassing at all to go pick up TJ's and destroy it in the comfort of your home, preferably while simultaneously crushing episodes of The O.C. or something. However, actually sitting down and eating your tacos and oles in the restaurant.....that's another story. It's notoriously one of the dirtiest fast food joints around. The clientele is a little bit sketchy. It doesn't exactly make you feel like a high-functioning member of society.

But sometimes, you don't have much of a choice. Sometimes, you're in the slightly dirtier part of town. Sometimes, you're getting your windshield replaced over your lunch break. Sometimes, your girlfriend is nice enough to escort you back to your office, and you only have time for a quick fast-food lunch before she has to be back at her job. Sometimes, Taco John's is only a block away from the....windshield store? I know it would be called Windshield Mart if it was in Canada, everything there is called "~Name of Product~ Mart." I digress.

And so sometimes, as you carry your tray of six tacos and a pound of potato oles back to your table where your girlfriend awaits, and all the weirdos are looking at you and you sense a golden opportunity, you have no choice but to set your tray down, give her a big hug, and loudly announce to the whole restuarant,

"Haaaaaaaappy Anniversary!"

I turned to the guy with three visible teeth at the next table over, hoping for some applause or a heartfelt congratulations, but no dice. Christine mostly just wanted to punch me. (Probably because if she would let me, I really would celebrate our anniversary at Taco John's, but that's neither here nor there.)