Things I Think About During Songs, Volume 1

Song in question: 'Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm' by the Crash Test Dummies.


When the Crash Test Dummies are singing about the three oddball kids (verse 1: boy gets in a car accident and his hair turns from black to bright white; verse 2: girl won't change in the locker room because she has birthmarks all over her; verse 3: boy goes to a Pentecostal church and "shakes and lurches" all over the church floor) are all these kids classmates? Were these kids based on the Dummies' own school experiences? Is it purely fictional? I have an idea who the subjects of my song would be....

Verse 1. Once, there was this guyyyyyy whoooo......was smarter than everybody else, knew it, and let everyone else know about it. He would openly scoff at anybody who answered a question in class incorrectly. If a hot girl in Algebra class would ask him how to calculate something, he would snort, give a complicated answer that was way over her head, and then make a derisive comment about how easy it was. And I secretly loved him for it. The normal brainiac would just be thrilled that the hot girl in class was talking to him, and probably end up doing her whole assignment for her....but not this guy. No fucking way. We always joked that one day he would rule the world, so we were always extra nice to him.

Verse 2. Once, there was this boyyyyyyy whoooo.....used to roll himself into a ball and told us to roll him down the hallways at least once a day. He also changed his name a couple times a month, unleashed his patented "human banshee scream" whenever things were getting too quiet in the classroom, and during gym class would mostly run around in circles pretending he was in a war and shooting everyone with an imaginary machine gun, and if the ball came anywhere near him (regardless of sport) he would grab it and launch it like a grenade, making explosion noises when it hit the ground.

Verse 3. Once, there was this kiiiiiiiid whoooo.....used to talk about karate all the time, and tried to be the school bully, but would constantly get beat up by lesser foes. The last time I ever saw him was in 6th grade, when he ran screaming from the gym following another lost fight, jump-kicked the swinging doors open, and went sprinting down the hallway. Then 15 years later he friend-requested me on Facebook under his rapper name, started inviting me to all his rap concerts in North Dakota, and has statuses like "Mane dis beat slammin peep it."

Crunchy Beef Burrito Is On Firrrrre!

Crunchy beef burrito...c'mere, come pop a squat next to Daddy. Crunchwrap Supreme....move dowwwwwn the bench. All right, it's getting crowded in here. Everyone out, everyone out, c'mon. Not you, crunchy beef burrito. Not you, chili cheese wrap from Sonic. Not you, turkey & taco meat grinder and cheese tostada from Red Pepper. Not you, six pack and a pound from Taco John's. Not you, buffalo chicken strips and waffle fries from Henry T's. Not you, Bootlegger with no tomatoes from Jimmy John's.

~ looks down at Crunchwrap Supreme ~

Ohhhh, this is uncomfortable.

Really, this was just a unnecessary and fairly convoluted way to say that Crunchwrap Supremes are no longer my favorite drunk food. A good percentage of you probably saw what I was doing there, but if you didn't, this clip might help (Dr. Evil at his best.) Clearly the part of Mini-Me was being played by the Crunchwrap Supreme, and Crunchy beef burrito was cast as Scott Evil. I could've just had a post that said "Crunchy beef burritos are delicious. They are my new favorite drunk food. Crunchwrap Supremes, while once carrying my favor, are no longer in the top spot." But what fun would that be?

Making Friends Through Racism

I've only made one blatantly racist comment to a minority's face in my life***. It was a few years ago, shortly after I moved to Kansas. We were about 20 beers deep (not an excuse, I know) and on our way to The Outhouse (I know, I know...still not an excuse) when we went into a gas station with a couple of Indians working behind the counter, and I exclaimed "Hey, what's up, Kumar and...Kumar!" Not my proudest moment. Seemed like a good idea at the time. Over the last year or so, this same gas station has become one of my go-to's for gas, chew, and individual cans of Coca-Cola Classic. Besides location, a big reason that it took the #1 spot in my rotation of gas stations is because one of the "Kumars" from that incident a few years ago recognized me, enjoyed the Kumar joke, and has been breaking my balls every time I've walked in there since. He screws with me, I screw with him; it's quite an entertaining relationship. If he's behind the counter, I know it's not going to be a boring trip to the gas station. And all because I made a racially insensitive joke while shitfaced and on my way to a BYOB strip club. Networking skills, son. Networking skills.

(Also, the gas station in question is almost always an interesting place to be. Hippies, homeless guys....just yesterday the guy in front of me in line had a marmoset monkey just chillin' on his shoulder while he paid for his merch. Lawrence people....The Shamrock on 9th and Ohio. Make it happen.)


***Not counting Russell. His Tiger Woods-lookin' ass deserves it though. Plus everybody knows how stupid Hawaiians are.

2011 All-Ugly Team

A tradition unlike any other: the All-Ugly Team. This year's team is being coached by Shaka Smart. Why is a relatively young, generally good-looking guy coaching the team this year? Because fuck VCU, that's why.

Bench:

Justin Graham, San Jose St. American Idol called, they said you should probably audition if you're gonna have that shitty haircut. Then they sent you a text message that says 'You look like a chick, bro'

Ryan Kelly, Duke. You can always depend on Coach K to have at least one ugly dude on the team. He doesn't consider himself just a basketball coach. He's a leader of men.

Tyler Zeller, North Carolina. Text convo between Fundy (Carolina fan) and I at the beginning of the year:

Me: Zeller is making the All-Ugly Team this year
Fundy: he's awesome, I love him
Me: he's got handlebars for ears
Fundy: well it will be something for me to grab onto when I let him suck my dick

Corey Fisher, Villanova. A three-year member. Congrats, you get a jacket for that.

Mike Bruesewitz, Wisconsin: Does Wisconsin actively recruit ugly white guys, or do they get uglier once they set foot on campus? It's the chicken and the egg.

Steven Pearl, Tennessee. A little too Shia LeBouf-ish for my taste. (Speaking of Shia LeBouf, his co-star from Even Stevens on the Disney Channel got naked in a movie a few months ago and she looked GOOD. I take crap for my Disney and Nickelodeon girl fetish, and rightfully so, but those girls grow up. And I like to be there for it. We need the Biebs to dump Selena Gomez, her career to go in the tank, and the nudity in film will start flowing. Let's share this experience together, friends.)

Curtis Kelly, Kansas St. I don't have any other jokes for him besides the one I used last year about Bubba Gump and getting your lip caught on a trip wire.

The starting five:


Alex Tyus, Florida.


It seems like every year, there is one guy who has the worst hair ever. So he makes the All-Ugly Team. Then the next year, he shaves his head and I either have to take him off the team or at least take him out of the starting five. But I'm not extending that same courtesy to Mr. Tyus. Because his hair last year is probably the worst case of receding hairline/cornrows I've ever seen. Plus even with a shaved head, he's kinda ugly.

J'Covan Brown, Texas.


Also happens to be a douchebag, which always makes me happy. Sometimes I feel bad if nice guys are on the ugly team. J'Covan, I'll see you next month when you're running in the Kentucky Derby. Oh, you're not? Your teeth threw me off. My bad.

Evan Fjeld, Vermont.


An absolute champion moustache. Words cannot describe it, so I'm not going to try. Also props to Fundy and G.Bear, if it weren't for them I never would've heard of this guy. That's why it's a team effort.

Denis Kilicli, West Virginia.


Tamed down a tiny bit from last year, but still looks ugly as he spazzes it up and down and all around the court like a middle school benchwarmer who gets put in for the last 2 minutes and is trying to make the most of it. He will be an All-Ugly starter every year he's in college.

Kyle Singler, Duke.


After four years on the team, three as a starter, and this year as Captain, the All-Ugly Team loses a veteran to graduation. If it was my choice, I would've probably kept him on the bench, but like I've mentioned in prior years, one of the most googled phrases that leads people to this blog is some form of 'kyle singler ugly.' So I've let him be the people's choice. We'll miss you, Kyle. All best in future endeavors. (You no-talent assclown.)

It's A Dunk-Off

This is the hardest I have laughed at a youtube video in at least three days (I laugh a lot at youtube videos, three days is actually pretty decent. And also, the last three days have been pretty much laughter-free, so this helps. Goddamn VCU.) It was to the point where I had to forward this video to my boss, because there's no other way I could pass off how hard I was just laughing in my office. There's no covering that up with a cough.

My question is: did people do this regularly? Beer pong slam dunks? I've been to my fair share of parties, played my fair share of beer pong (graduating from the #2 binge drinking school in the country, per capita....stupid Texas-San Antonio always beat us) and I've never attempted this myself, seen this attempted, or heard about it being attempted until this video. I feel like we missed out a little bit. I see it playing out like this: we set it up and somebody like Haley (who has little regard for bodily injury) or Smapes (who just wants everyone to accept her) dunks one, to great laughter and applause....then half an hour later Russell tries to one-up it and makes a huge mess and breaks somebody's leg or spills on some girl's dress that has been in the family for 300 years or something, and everyone yells "Goddammit, Russell!" Because that's just how Russell's luck works.

Also: that guy in the skateboard (at the beginning and again at 30 seconds) just GETS AFTER IT. Is there anything better than a slow motion flight leading into a fast motion crash? I say no.

Ugh.

UTEP.

Rhode Island.

Bucknell.

Bradley.

Northern Iowa.

And now VCU. Losing to mid-majors as a high seed is getting a little old. My only solace today is that I don't cheer for a team coached by John Calipari (sorry, Hendo.)

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Things I'm (trying to) look forward to now that KU's season is done:

1. Opening Day is right around the corner. The Red Sox, um, might be decent this year.

2. Tiger Woods comes out tomorrow for PS3.

3. I've got the the season 5 DVD's for How I Met Your Mother to run through. They're still new to me.

4. The beefy crunch burritos at Taco Bell are unbelievable. I think this is the first time I've ever liked something from T.Bell sober before.

5. The Fighting Sioux made the Final Four! (Just jokes. Hockey sucks.)


So I've got all that going for me. Which is nice. Big ups to all concerned parties yesterday and today. If you got no response it's because my phone was turned off most the day. I always feel extra loved the day that KU is knocked out of the tourney, even if it's mostly because people are honestly concerned I'm going to do something stupid after a loss (don't worry, thanks to 2008 my days of passing out on bridges are over.)

Keep on keepin' on.

Last Weekend By The Numbers

19.5 hours of sleep. In four nights. Paging Dr. Yee Ikes.

1,000 beers (approximate).....at least that's what my body felt like at the end of the weekend. In reality, it was 7 hours of drinking on Wednesday, 15 on Thursday, 18 on Friday, and 12 on Saturday. I'm no mathematician, but 52 hours of drinking vs. 19.5 of sleeping is not a good ratio unless you're Frank Sinatra.

3.5 tins of chew. In a sad indicator of our age and the influences women have on our lives, I was the only chewer present who didn't have to a) annoy his significant other by chewing; 2) hide his chewing from his significant other; or D) outright lie about chewing to his significant other.

18 tums (two of which were dipped in queso. Don't judge, I was out of chips and my heart was hurting. Can't let any queso go to waste-o, dude.)

2 times I woke up in the middle of the night thinking I was having a minor heart attack. I think I'm going to stop making jokes about me dropping dead in the middle of a Chipotle burrito, because there seriously might be a heart attack coming. Real talk. Along those lines...

207 pounds is what I now weigh, the fattest I've ever been in my life. A good 10-12 pounds over my ideal fighting weight. We had a big weigh-off on Friday night during the party's collective drunkest point, and I don't think there were too many dudes who were proud of their weight. And yet, as I type this, I can only use the ring and pinky finger on my right hand, because I have Doritos chalk on my other fingers. What, I'm not supposed to eat while typing? Grow up Peter Pan, Count Chocula.

1 argument with Bergman over the weekend (for those who know us, that would've hit the under.) This one was because he and T.Nels pulled an all-nighter playing Wii, and Bergman kept coming into my sleeping area, blasting music (yes, I know 'Anna Sun' is phenomenal, but I'M TRYING TO EFFING SLEEP!) and trying to wake me up, ignoring the fact I just went to bed three hours ago. T.Nels has the ability to hole out from 123 yards and not scream at the top of his lungs....Bergman does not. Act like you've been there before.

Top 5 greatest gambling moment of my life, taking the Butler money line vs. Pittsburgh in the 2nd round. Then coming back on top of that with a huge bet at halftime when Butler was getting 9 points in the 2nd half. The last 2.2 seconds of that game, I ran the full gamut of emotions. Unbelievable. And just to brag a little more, since bragging is fun, here's something I wrote back before the season started, and proved to be very prophetic. "Get Pittsburgh and Villanova out of the top 10. Those two teams are horribly overrated, and I will spend the winter and spring making money gambling against them." It just took longer for me to cash in on hating Pittsburgh than Villanova, although both paid me nicely during the tourney.

9, by my count, different forms of gambling we participated in over the course of the weekend. There was gambling on tournament games, our suicide pool, our bracket draft, blackjack (hours and hours and hours of it...I would feel bad for the girls but I hope they understood that us out-of-staters don't have charitable gaming anymore-- small talk is overrated when there's a blackjack table mere feet away) Wii bowling, Wii golf, Wii three-point shootout, Farcle, electronic horse racing....and there were others that I wasn't a part of or think of right now. We've been spending most our lives, livin' in a Gambler's Paradise.

4.5 minutes of North Carolina's first round game that Horp (Carolina fan) got to watch before passing out at 6:45 pm. Friday afternoon got away from all of us a little bit, it definitely escalated quickly....but you would have to roofie at least 3-5 of my beers to make me pass out during a KU game. Tarrrrr! Heeeeeeeels!

90% of levels of 'Where's Waldo?' I got owned in by Finn, who has not yet turned 2 years old. (Supporting information: I road-tripped with Skye and Finn, who dropped me off and kept driving north to see family and friends.) In a mind-boggling display of memorization, Finn could pick out Waldo pretty much as I was turning the page. I hadn't looked at 'Where's Waldo?' for years, and was legitimately excited for the opportunity to return to my childhood, and Finn just beat me down. Humbling. (Side note: wouldn't a Grand Theft Auto or Halo-style version of 'Where's Waldo?' be awesome? Like there's all kinds of side missions and shooting and battling through a huge city, and you have to find Waldo in some room in the basement of a bombed out building in the middle of downtown? I feel like this could be awesome.)

15-20 other stories to tell, but they'd make no sense to anybody and wouldn't be funny if I tried to explain them. Curly Spice? No-Win Lynn? Top Shelv? Triple Double no assists? Where are the horses? You can Google anything? Quick hands? Sniffing nerf balls? Spider fingers? See, I told you they wouldn't make sense.

357 days until the next opening round of March Madness. This is my excited face.

And We're Baaaaaaaack!

.....But still recovering. Here, read this, while watching the video below, if it helps, courtesy of Gangel. It's one of the funniest things I've read recently, and one of those ideas that pisses me off because I should've thought of it first. You could go through a million rap songs and do this for every one.

RIP Nate Dogg. West Si-yeeeeeeed!

College Basketball Thoughts

During the longest three days of the year...

>> I'm pretty disappointed that BYU suspended the dude who was banging his girlfriend. Stupid honor code. I wanted to see my boy Jimmer make a run to the Final Four this year, and now they have little or no shot without Davies. Even though that whole Southeast region is rubbish.

>> I couldn't tell you the name of the woman who has season tickets next to ours at Phog Allen Fieldhouse, but I can confidently tell you the two things she hates the most in this world:

1. The Rock Chalk Dancers
2. Tyshawn Taylor

>> Ben Hansbrough? I thought we were done with the Hansbrough family. And he somehow managed to be a bigger douche than Tyler! The one thing I can say positive about Psycho T is that he didn't carry himself like he knew he was awesome. He was kind of unassuming in his douchebaggery. But you can tell that Ben is just convinced that he's awesome. I really hope KU gets a shot at him in the Elite 8. Brady will show him how a white starting guard should carry himself.

>> Kentucky's Terrence Jones is a decent NBA prospect, but I'm pretty convinced he's incapable of dribbling with his right hand. As a lefty myself, I'm reminded of a line from Chappelle Show where Chappelle, talking about Mark Fuhrman, says "Take it from somebody who says 'nigga' a lot....that nigga says 'nigga' ALL THE TIME!" In this case, take it from somebody who goes left a lot...Terrence Jones goes left ALL THE TIME!

>> Question of the Day: if your college basketball coach left tomorrow, who would you want to replace him? I enjoy this game because back when Ol' Roy was waffling on the Carolina job, I had my eye on Bill Self, and sure enough, that's who we got, and he's been amazing. Now, if Self were to leave (God forbid) I would want Jay Wright from Villanova.

>> It was nice to see Duke not get a cakewalk to the Final Four like they usually do. The bottom half of their bracket is weak, but Texas as a 4 seed is brutal. And Ohio St. got the KU treatment from last year, where the #1 overall seed gets the hardest region. That potential Sweet Sixteen is bruuuutally good (Ohio St., Kentucky, Syracuse, North Carolina.) While we're here, other teams seeded way too high are Florida, KState, Cincinnati, and West Virginia. Seeded too low: Utah St., Richmond, Kentucky, and Old Dominion.

>> For the first time in many years, I love love love KU's bracket. Notre Dame doesn't scare me, the 8-9 game doesn't feature a scary Northern Iowa type (during the selection show last year, as soon as I saw UNI in the 8-9 game opposite KU, I let fly a stream of F-bombs. This year I was smiling and clapping.) Louisville should be tough-- but usually a Bill Self team destroys full court pressure (just ask Missouri.) Really the only team that scares me is Purdue. Originally I was going to pick KU to lose in the early rounds, thought they were prime for an upset, but between the draw they got and the way they just crushed the Big 12 tourney, I might pick them to go to Houston after all. Similar to Syracuse last year, I don't necessarily think that KU is the best team in the country, but I think their 'A' game is better than anyone else's 'A' game. If they their best game, nobody else is beating them. Unfortunately, whether or not KU brings it every game has been their main problem this year.

In any event, this could be one of the more wide-open tournaments of my lifetime. If Duke had Kyrie Irving, they'd be head and shoulders above everyone else, but without him, they're no better than a handful of other teams. I put a small bet down on Ohio St. to win it all at the beginning of the season, so I'll dance with the one that brung me. Hopefully I'm wrong. Rock chalk.

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Tomorrow I head up to Fargo to watch the first two rounds with the old crew. Culligan reunion with Fundy, Noles, Horp, and Godfread, plus Bergman, Schneweis, Morley, and whoever else shows up over the course of the weekend. Four full days and nights of watching basketball, gambling, boozing, chewing, gambling, causing shenanigans, and gambling? I'll be looking like Mojo the helper monkey at the end of this trip.

Sold.

I was gonna buy the new Tiger Woods game this year anyway, but if there was ever ANY shadow of a doubt....it has now been removed. Maybe you have to be a golfer/video game player to appreciate it-- but to me, this video is as sexy as a 4-minute tribute to Selena Gomez. (Can someone find a link to that, so I can officially compare?)

TV

I'm watching more TV over the last couple months than I ever have before. As the immortal Slough would say after an impressive Kentucky Derby drinking session, "....my reasons....for this......are threefold....."

1. Back and knee issues are preventing me from playing as much golf and pickup basketball as usual.
2. There are more entertaining shows now than any other time I can remember.
3. It's much easier to watch shows at your leisure; before I could never make the commitment to be home at a certain time every week to watch a show, now there's a bunch of different ways to fit them in.

I get ripped on quite a bit since, on some shows, I'm over a year behind, since I wait and buy the DVD's. Every time a conversation about The Office breaks out, I have to ruin it by cutting in with a "Aap-ap-ap-ap-ap.....haven't seen it, don't say anything else!"

So here's the breakdown, just so you know which shows not to talk about around me, in case I haven't seen them:

>> Shows I wait and buy on DVD a year later, since they're my favorites and it gives me great pleasure to sit and watch the whole season in two or three days:

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia- Took over the top spot sometime last year. So good.

The Office- Still haven't even bought last years' DVDs yet, I haven't been hearing great things. But it still gets grandfathered in for its previous work.

How I Met Your Mother- The only traditional sitcom I truly love anymore. Once you watch shows without laugh tracks, and then you hear a laugh track, it's incredibly distracting. It's like all I can hear.

>> Shows I have DVR'd for me and watch shortly afterwards (one of these days I'll get DVR at my house again....I'm in no particular hurry):

Jersey Shore- Might not make this list next year. Ronnie and Sammi are single-handedly ruining this season. They're only fun to watch when he's roiding out and destroying her stuff and calling her 'bro.' Otherwise, they don't need to be dominating episodes.

The League- Sex & the City for dudes. Only with funny jokes.

>> Shows I watch online during my lunch break:

Parks and Recreation/Community- When Parks & Rec went on its couple-month hiatus, I thought that Community was turning into my new favorite....and then Parks & Rec came back and I watched a new episode and realized that was just silly. Not that Community isn't awesome, but Parks & Rec just cuts right to the core of me.

Modern Family- A couple more seasons like this, and Phil Dunphy moves into Michael Scott territory.

Family Guy- Only if I'm super bored. This show pretty much sucks now. As opposed to....

South Park- Just keeps on ticking. If anything, it's funnier now than it was in the first couple of seasons. I've always used baseball players to compare South Park, Family Guy, and The Simpsons, but the last couple years have kinda skewed the analogy. The Simpsons seasons 4-8 will never be touched, by anything, ever, but I haven't watched a new episode (besides a Treehouse of Horror) since 2003. Family Guy had a spectacular first five or six seasons, but has dropped off quickly since. And South Park has just gone along at about the same speed, with a few seasons better or worse than others, but every one at an All-Star level, for 14 years now.

White Collar used to be in this rotation, but I dropped it a few months ago. You ask, does this coincide with Tiffani Thiesen being mostly cut from the episodes? And I answer, you just may be right, my friend. You just may be right.


I get my fix now from watching old episodes of 90210. Hey boo. Holler at me.



>> Miscellaneous (how narcissistic is it to have a 'miscellaneous category'? I'm writing about what effing tv shows I watch. I know that blogs are, by their nature, extremely self-indulging, but this is bad even for me. I need to wrap this up soon, buuuuut I bet I won't.)

Mad Men- finally hopped on the bandwagon last fall and watched the first three seasons, I'm only one season behind now. Also, I very nearly picked up a smoking habit after about four episodes. Don Draper makes cigarettes look downright DELICIOUS.

Entourage- I've struggled to define this show for years. It's supposed to be funny....but I hardly ever laugh. It's supposed to be dramatic....but nothing ever really happens. I've watched almost every season....but I'm not sure if I actually enjoy the show or not. I watched it when I had free HBO, and occasionally I'll rent seasons for free at the Public Library. So I think I can finally define it: it's a show I'll watch, but never pay a single dollar to do so.

Big Bang Theory- for years, my mom would email me and tell me to watch this show. For years, I'd blow her off by telling her I didn't want to just jump in now, I had to start from the beginning (because my mom couldn't possibly like a show that's actually funny, could she? If it wasn't for Two and a Half Men, I'm pretty sure her favorite show would still be Home Improvement.) So finally for Christmas this year, she bought me the first two seasons on DVD, and I was sucked in by the first commercial break of the second episode. Now I'm gonna have to get the rest the seasons on DVD and get caught up. Dammit, Mom.

Degrassi: The Next Generation- I'm not even going to try and defend myself here (though I feel I could launch a good argument- the number of people I've successfully roped into watching Degrassi is surprisingly high.) I'll just say that maybe this is the reason why for most of my twenties, I avoided most TV shows. If I just ignore crappy shows, I won't get sucked in. But if I start watching one, even a little bit, most the time it's all over for me.

I'll Be In My Room Painting....FRIDAY Things

Last weekend Double D, Hendo, Wags and I ventured to Kansas City to go to Dave & Busters, me being a D & B virgin and all.....and it was AWESOME. Drinking and video games and shit-talking. If ever there was a place made for me, D & B's is definitely it. I don't care that we were among the only guys in the building that weren't a) 16 or younger, or b) accompanied by girls. We got accused by a couple of girls of being gay. My response: "Yup, totally. Big time gay. You're still not getting our cup full of tickets." Their boyfriends were chirping in our ear (good-naturedly) while we were playing the game where you throw footballs through different holes for different yardage, so we challenged them to a 4-on-4 game, cumulative team score, and beat them 2 out of 3. And we still didn't give their girls our tickets. You know how many friendship bracelets we can buy now?

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I had my first Taco Bell experience since finding out their meat was fake....it was the same as it ever was for me: delicious, but only because I was not sober. They could announce that they were adding another couple layers to the Crunchwrap Supreme, consisting of dog food and wet newspaper, and as long as I was at least 8 beers deep, I'd be OK with eating it. Also, we've all been saying it wrong for years. It's TACO Bell, emphasis on the 'taco', not 'bell.' Via the D.O.C. and J-Po.

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Well, it's official: my old man is on Facebook. Just a matter of time, really, as over the last couple of years he has followed in his oldest son's footsteps and become a pretty big internet junkie. He spends more time on gun enthusiast message boards than David Hasselhoff (is that how that joke goes? Maybe something about a beach? I always mess it up.) Anyway, I'm pretty sure I don't have to worry about my mom joining anytime soon, considering she just got a cell phone about six months ago. Exciting new technology, those cellular telephones.

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I vote that it's time to ditch the leaping shoulder bump celebration in sports. It's gone about as far as it can go. I know I've gotten my enjoyment out of it-- Ricky and I, upon the entrance of one of us into the multi-purpose court at Hyslop, used to sprint the length of the court to shoulder bump each other and celebrate another day of noon ball-- but that was like five years ago. Now, when starting lineups get introduced and they do little mini bumps to EVERY player on the team, or when every timeout is greeted with the bench players sprinting out onto the court to shoulder bump the players coming off (Kansas is guilty of both of these) it's just getting annoying. I'm not trying to piss in anyone's cereal bowl here, I've just had enough of it.








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Happy Friday. Only 10 more days until Selection Sunday. This is my excited face.

Eveningstar

Tomorrow is Senior Night for KU, meaning the last home game of my boy Brady Morningstar's career. Though he'll never have his jersey raised in Phog Allen Fieldhouse, it will be getting nailed to the Wall of Fame in my Fortress of Solitude as soon as the season is over. So he's got that going for him...which is nice. My Brady fandom has been a mostly solo affair (I'm about 93% sure I'm the only person in Lawrence besides his parents that owns a Morningstar jersey- I guess we'll find out during tomorrow's game) and it has spanned 4 phases:

Phase I, 2006- April 2008: Brady is a little-used Freshman, then redshirts during the National Championship season. The only reason he stands out at all (for me) is because he is the first Jayhawk to accept my friend request on Facebook. Yes, I friend request every incoming KU basketball player. Judge me if you will. At least I don't play Farmville.

Phase II, 2008-2009 season: Pretty much the whole team graduates/leaves for the NBA after the championship, and suddenly a ton of minutes are up for grabs. As word spreads during the preseason that Brady is in line for a starting spot, people around Lawrence start grumbling. If I had a dollar for every time I heard the phrase "If Brady is still starting in March, it's gonna be a looooooong season" then I wouldn't even be writing this right now- I'd be in the Taco John's drive thru, buying enough six-pack-and-a-pound's to last me the rest of my life (don't worry, they're still good leftover.) So halfway joking around, I started defending Brady amongst my friends, which led to me paying special attention to his game, which led to me actually liking him. Brady ends up playing the second-most minutes on the team after Sherron Collins, leading the Big 12 in 3-point shooting percentage, and rocking the hell out of a baggy undershirt under his jersey.

Phase III, October 2009-January 2011: Brady gets a DUI right before the start of the season, Xavier Henry takes a ton of his minutes, Brady never really gets it going, does this during a technical foul free throw, and becomes a whipping boy among fans after the shocking 2nd round loss to Northern Iowa. Then he starts out 2010-11 ice cold, and the Brady Bashers double their efforts (yes they actually called themselves the Brady Bashers...the internet can be super gay sometimes.) Arguments on internet message boards are ferocious; there is a six-month stretch where about 75% of the comment sections on KU's website eventually dive into the Great Brady Debate, regardless of what the original article was about. Which of course makes me love him more.

Phase IV, Current: Brady rediscovers his shot, leads the Big 12 in 3-point shooting percentage (again), posts an absolutely stupid 7.5-1 assist-to-turnover rate in Big 12 play (for a somewhat flawed comparison, the NBA leader in this statatistic usually puts up around a 4-1 ratio) and merits legitimate discussion for making the All-Big 12 second team. Even the Brady Bashers are relatively quiet on the message boards-- although they still wish his minutes were going to Josh Selby or Elijah Johnson, because that would be better for KU "long term"--because Brady Bashers are usually not very intelligent basketball fans. Needless to say, this has been my favorite Brady Phase. Even though it has been sans baggy undershirt for the most part.

Here's hoping this phase lasts through April. Everybody enjoy your various teams' Senior Nights, it's one of the things that make college basketball so awesome.

Raise Your Hand If This Is You Today

I was gonna go with the part from Rounders where Edward Norton is bottom dealing and the table of cops catch him and announce "I caught a hanger, Sarge." You know, because saying you're hungover is pretty standard, but saying you 'caught a hanger' is so irresistibly cool....but I didn't feel like searching for a satisfactory clip on youtube. In any event, I'm hungover as shit today.

(Side note: I'll be a sonofabitch if Paul and I didn't tell each other we were hungover, in Brian Fantana's tone of voice, at least 250 times while we lived together. Literally every single morning after drinking. Never got old.)

This House Is Falling Apart

>> Two songs currently dominating my head right now: 'Anna Sun' by Walk the Moon (thank you Schneweis, as usual) and 'D.A.N.C.E.' by Justice, which, if you've been watching any college basketball the last week or so, you might recognize as the song playing during the commercial with all the coaches "dancing" and clapping. After the first time I saw that commercial, I almost sprained my thumbs frantically googling that song on my phone. Love at first listen, for both of these songs.

>> I'm re-reading 'To Kill a Mockingbird' for the first time since 7th or 8th grade or whatever year we read it in school....it's surprisingly kinda awesome. It's a much more enjoyable read when I don't have to worry about defining words and answering random questions picked by a maniacal English teacher. I got the Carney/Skinner doubleheader my two years at South Middle School, and while I'm definitely better for it in the long run, it was a grizzly bear at the time. When I saw Mrs. Carney around town, even ten years after I had her as a teacher, she still refused to call me anything but James. Needless to say, she was not a believer in nicknames. This paragraph really spiraled on me. (Where IS he right now?) Moral of the story: books are more fun when you're reading for pleasure, not for school. But don't take my word for it!

>> Maybe the highlight of my trivia career last Sunday night, when Lane, Jud, Mike and I strolled into a buzzsaw of 24 other teams, all but three of which had at least 10-12 team members, made up of various Lawrence "bigwigs", and took them all down. It's crazy how pumped I get about winning trivia like that, it's a weird source of pride. "Yeah bro, we might not be able to kick your ass, per se, but we are certainly in possession of more random knowledge that will do us little to no benefit during our lifetimes! Suck this dick, bitch! Step up and suck this dick!" Also, our team would've been able to ride in this charity's float during the St. Patty's Day parade, but unfortunately I'll be up in Fargo that week, so that dream goes unfulfilled. For now.

>> Since it's fun to end on a negative note, congratulations Tyshawn Taylor, you have officially joined Eric Chenowith as the only Kansas Jayhawks I have ever hated in my entire life. I'm sure he'll be back from his suspension this year, and I'm sure he'll contribute, and I'm sure I'll be forced to cheer for him again at some point...but I won't be happy about it.

Fiending

The only time I can relate to what drug addicts feel like is when I take my first drink of Coke after I crush a bunch of popcorn. I'm near convulsion, and I can practically feel the Coke spreading into my bloodstream (it gives me focus...makes me stronger.) My favorite food/drink combo there is, by far. Knee-jerk top 5:

1. Coke/popcorn
2. Strawberry Limeade/chili cheese wrap
3. Mac & cheese/milk
4. Squirt/chew.......I know chew isn't really a food, but humor me. Also, I know the preferred beverage while chewing, at least amongst all of my friends, is Mountain Dew-- "Chews and Dews, bro! Chews and Dews!"-- but one time I went with a Squirt (No homo? That's what she said?) and it was glorious.
5. Cookies/milk (the Santa Claus)


And now, back to our regularly scheduled 90210 marathon. Dylan is right in the middle of his obsession with guns after he got carjacked....shit's about to get real, son.

Thumbs Up, Let's Do This

A little while back, I received a text message from Brother that read "google 'leeroy jenkins' and watch the video, it's hilarious." This made me giggle because the whole Leeroy Jenkins thing is almost five years old now. It could be that Brother just managed to not hear about Leeeeeeroyyyyyy Jeeeeeeenkins! until recently, but I get the feeling that Brother is just now beginning to discover the awesomeness of the World Wide Web. He has always made fun of me for the blog, and still does, but he did comment on a post for the first time ever shortly after Christmas. Also, I may have him beat in internet savvy, but he's been able to change the oil in a car since he was 10-- and I have to have the guys at Jiffy Lube fill up my windshield wiper fluid because my old theory of "just pour everything into the gas tank and let the car sort it out" has backfired on me in the past.

But it got me thinking about youtube videos, and the phenomenon that makes certain videos spread like wildfire. Youtube has only been around since '05, but I can't seem to remember a time when there wasn't a youtube. What did we do without it?

Here are some of my favorite youtube videos over the years, in no particular order. (Side note: I'm not counting things like the Bloomington Bros, or Raaaaaaaandy! or Between Two Ferns. Not because they're not hilarious- but because they're originally from a comedy website. I'll also exclude 'Lazy Sunday' and 'Dick in a Box' since they came from SNL, even though youtube is what really made those sketches blow up. Side note to the side note: that 'Landlord' video that made the rounds about 4 years ago, with Will Ferrell and his daughter: not that funny. Not making the list.)

Boom Goes the Dynamite. Starting with the classics first. This one was probably my introduction to youtube, in a video that is the definition of when someone calls something 'a car accident.' It's incredibly painful to watch, but you can't look away. And for me, the infamous "boom goes the dynamite" line is only my 5th favorite part:

1. "Reggie Miller looking good"
2. mouthing "I'm sorry" to somebody off-camera
3. "Passes to the man"
4. Wayne Simien = Wayne Summers?
5. "...and boom goes the dynamite"





Tourette's Guy. I don't even care if it's fake, it's hilarious (also very NSFW.) I think it was either Kuntz or Weisser or someone who showed this to me in the Gamble Hall computer lab for the first time. Top 5 hardest laughs of my life. We're talking "people staring at me as I'm doubled over, tears streaming down my face, absolutely unable to stop or even quiet down even though I'm in a crowded public place" laughter. (Which also happened to me one other time in the aforementioned computer lab: the first time I saw this Gary Gaetti fan club website, coincidentally created by some dudes in Grand Forks. I still go back and read through it once every 6 months or so. The captions are gold.)





Whistle Tips. "That's only in tha mornin'....you supposed to be up cookin' breakfast or somethin' by then so...that's like an alarm clock...wooo WOOOOO!"





Star Wars Kid. Not holding up as well over time, but damn that was some funny shit the first 30 times I watched it.





Jamie Foxx ending Doug Williams' career after Williams starts bombing at Emmitt Smith's roast. There's a reason why right now you're asking "Who's Doug Williams?" It's so brutal it eventually becomes tough to watch. "Where IS he right now?"





Salad Fingers. One of the creepiest cartoons I've ever seen. Led to six years (and counting) of Hubert Cumberdale and Marjory Stewart Baxter jokes between Paul and I. Chelsey's Mike is a hard guy to agitate, but if you ever need to piss him off quickly, no questions asked, just fire up this video (ironically, he's the one who introduced it to us.) 60% of the time, it works every time.





Ante Up Muppets. I love puppets, I know I've mentioned that a time or two. And I love when people dub in other dialogue to puppets' flapping heads. Especially if it's a hardcore rap song, and especially when it's done this well.





My New Haircut. It's weird, this video is almost dated now, after shows like Jersey Shore and whatnot. But this video, to the best of my recollection, really started the whole making fun of guidos culture. Also, this incident from over three years ago still makes me giggle, what a dipshit. "Not right now Chief, I'm in the fuckin' zone."




Your favorites? I want you guys to hit me with some goodies.

Just Hand Me A Racket And Point Me To The Court!

A fairly common occurrence in my everyday life is when I use a somewhat obscure quote from a movie or TV show while talking to a stranger or borderline stranger. I can't really help myself; some of them have become so ingrained in my everyday speech that sometimes I can't lock it up. I have no problems with cursing or otherwise inappropriate quotes, it's not like I walk into a board meeting and announce "Howdy howdy, fuckin' partners!" or anything like that....it's the other stuff that gets me.

Por ejemplo, on my first day at a new job, the guy who was training me in and I were searching for a missing number on the balance sheet, thought we knew what we were looking for, and when it turned out to be something completely different, without thinking I exclaimed "Samsonite!" As in Dumb & Dumber, trying to remember Mary's last name, looking at the briefcase, "Samsonite...I was way off!" And a period of awkwardness followed, as he (understandably) had no idea what I was talking about. I didn't think anything of it....it's what I always yell when I turn out to be completely wrong on something.

So the other night I'm supposed to be meeting this guy off of craigslist (not for the usual reasons I meet strange dudes off of craigslist-- this meeting was entirely non-sexual) so I can buy the entire series of Arrested Development on DVD from him....$30 bucks, still in the original wrapping, what a steal! All I knew about him from our emails was that his name was Pete, and he was supposed to be tall. So when I first saw him approaching with the DVD's, I gave him a "Big...Pete? You're Big Pete?" and clapped him on the shoulder. If the lightbulbs aren't clicking for you, it's around the 55 second mark of this clip:





Well, apparently the lightbulb didn't click for Pete, either, even though he was around my age and certainly part of the Saved by the Bell era, and our transaction took an immediate turn into Awkwardsville. And once again I made an ass out of myself in front of a stranger. Oh well. Sorry for partying.

Happy Friday.

Why Early 90's Video Games Are Hilarious...

...I finished my season in Tecmo Super Bowl. Ricky Watters finished with 12,164 yards and 133 touchdowns....and didn't even win Offensive Player of the Year. William Thomas had 154 tackles and 66 sacks, but was somehow beaten out for Defensive Player of the Year. I would love to see the programming that goes into selecting the award winners for old school games like that. I'm not even mad, that's amazing. Don't worry, they both made the Pro Bowl though.

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Here's why I think Duke/North Carolina is either the greatest or, at worst, second greatest rivalry in sports (Red Sox/Yankees being the other): I absolutely despise both teams. I hate everything about them. Along with whomever John Calipari is currently coaching, they are my three least favorite college basketball teams in the country. And yet tonight, like every time they play, I'll be watching the entire game. Because it's a great rivalry. Lots of people around here try to claim that KU/Missouri is better, or that Duke/Carolina is only a hyped-up rivalry because ESPN says so, and that's just stupid. People who continue to blame ESPN for everything are starting to annoy me. Just stop watching three hours of Sportscenter every day if you hate it so much.

***************

I got crushed on my Super Bowl prop bets, probably the worst I've ever done, but I cleaned up on the random $1 side bets our party made throughout the game. Awesome. The $13 in wrinkled dollar bills I brought home from the party totally make up for the bloodbath that were my real bets. So I've got that going for me...which is nice. (Why are all the clips from Caddyshack of Carl Spackler telling his Dalai Lama speech disabled on youtube?!?!!? What a disaster.)

Also from the Super Bowl: three people compared me to three different commercials, independently of each other. Amanda said that she was reminded of me, both in looks and creepiness, when the guy in the Doritos commercial was licking Doritos dust off of other people's fingers and pants......the Nuessen sisters think I could've starred in the commercial with Faith Hill where the guy writes "Your rack is unreal" on an online card and flowers......and my Aunt totally thought of me when she saw the little kid running around in the Darth Vader suit trying to use the Force on things. I don't know whether to be honored that people are thinking of me, or to be offended- especially since all three commercials don't exactly paint a flattering comparison. Really, Nelle and Jillian? You can see me writing a card to a ladyfriend that says "Your rack is unreal"? I'm a wordsmith, son.

Bonus Weekend? Why Not.

>> Two more snow days this week. It's not even fair anymore. We ended up only getting about 8 or 9 inches (that's what she said) and most the town just shut down for two days. Unreal after living in North Dakota most of my life. It seems like Lawrence is in this weird safety pocket or something. Topeka (to the west) and Kansas City (to the east) will both get hammered worse than us during big storms, and we skate by relatively unscathed. Whatever, I'll take it. With the holidays, and now all these snow days, the next time I have to actually work two five-day weeks in a row is gonna be torture. After two days off, I can't shake the feeling that today is Monday, it's bizarre. Poor me.

>> Johnny Damon AND Manny back in Fenway Park 10 games a year, but playing for Tampa? Why don't you kick my dog while you're at it?

>> I don't know how many of you are big Sopranos fans, but I feel obliged to pass this link along. I didn't even watch the last season of the show because after I watched the first five seasons that were available to me, I still wasn't hooked enough to go out and actually pay for the last season (although of course I watched the last episode of the series after all the cut-to-black hullabaloo) but this is one of the best things I've read in a while. I'm a sucker for internet theories on TV shows and movies. It's a soft spot for me. Either way, this guy says there's no doubt that Tony Soprano was killed at the end of the last episode. I find his point hard to argue.

>> Saturday night is my buddy James' wedding. But the real news is that a certain QB for the Detroit Lions will be in attendance. I don't want to name drop, so we'll just call him S. Hill. No, that's too obvious. Let's go with Shaun H. I think the only friend I have who has gone to a wedding with an NFL player is Jon-Jon, when he attended Dallas Clark's wedding a few years back, and he has reminded me of that fact somewhere around 600 times. I predict I will be twice as annoying after Saturday night.

>> Initially I was torn on who to bet on during this year's Super Bowl. My newfound love for all things Aaron Rodgers-related is documented; but the Steelers have probably won me the 2nd-most money this season (I wish I knew the actual numbers here.....Blake Griffin would have to be the all-time leader. Between his last season at Oklahoma, and the 4-1 odds I got on him winning the NBA Rookie of the Year this year...he's better than my retirement plan.) And I'm confused by the Green Bay -2.5 line. So I just bailed on betting on the actual spread, and instead dove headfirst into the wonderful world of prop bets. Which really is the greatest thing about the Super Bowl. Cheer along with me:

- National Anthem: over 1 minute, 54 seconds. You haven't gambled until you find yourself in a serious discussion regarding the biggest opportunities to stretch notes during the Star Spangled Banner. It's gambling in its purest form.

- Coin toss: tails. Tails never fails, bro.

- First score of the game is a TD? Nope. I always take this bet, and usually lose.

- First coaches challenge: Steelers. Just a hunch.

- Distance of the first field goal: over 33.5 yards.

- 3 straight scores by one team? No. This should be a back-and-forth battle.

- Longest TD of the game: under 44.5 yards. I know I'm tempting fate with this one. Both QB's love to bomb.

- Aaron Rodgers total completions: over 22.5. No-brainer.

- Aaron Rodgers -9.5 vs. Brett Favre's rushing yards in Super Bowl XXXI. So basically Rodgers has to rush for 22 yards here. Just betting against past Super Bowls makes me feel warm inside. It's like they're retroactively allowing those of us who were 14 years old in 1997 to gamble on that Super Bowl.

- Dustin Johnson's 4th round score -12.5 vs. the longest gross punt in the game. I feel this is as close to a lock as you can have in a cross-sports prop bet, and I bet accordingly. If DJ shoots a 65, which is pretty stellar, all I need is for the longest punt of the game to be 52 yards or less. To be honest, my biggest concern is DJ making the cut. As long as he does that, I should be solid. (Which means you just know that there's a fluke 70-yard punt coming in this game. The Gambling Gods demand it.)

- Gatorade bath for winning coach: over 45 seconds left in game. I'm picturing Green Bay turning it over on downs with around a minute and a half left, down 4, and Tomlin getting juiced by Polamalu and Harrison as Roethlisberger starts taking kneeldowns. Green Bay won't be able to stop the clock, since they used up all their timeouts getting the ball back before the two-minute warning. That's just me though.