(Shotgun) Bullets Are Bad For Your Health

• I'm OK with Clemens going to the Yanks. Surprisingly comfortable with it. Probably because a) I guess I never really felt like there was much of a chance he was coming to Boston, b) I don't think he'll be that good. He'll be an upgrade for New York, without a doubt, but he's been pitching in the crappy NL for the last three years. I could have an ERA under 5.00 in the NL, and c) I have a hard time forgiving players or coaches who have broke my heart. Exhibits 1 and 1A are Johnny Damon and Roy Williams. I don't know if I could seriously cheer for Clemens again. So whatever, I guess. The Yanks can have him. However, when they make their late July/early August run where they win 16 of 17 or something like that, ask me again how I feel.


• I'm really pumped about my boy Jacque Vaughn getting legitimate minutes with the Spurs. Fourth quarter minutes and everything. I still really, really, really want a Phoenix/Golden State west finals, but if the Spurs do win, it softens the blow.


• Congrats Golden State for finishing off Dallas in spectacular fashion. I hadn't been that excited for a game since the Knicks last made the playoffs, which feels like 1986. They have also added Alex to their bandwagon (Baron Davis, in particular) and this continues it would be fantastic so I don't have to hear her brag about the Spurs, even though she hasn't lived in Texas for about nine years, and can only name Duncan, Ginobli, Horry, Vaughn and Parker (and she only knows Vaughn because of me and Parker because of Eva Longoria.)


• Bulls look like garbage so far against the Pistons, Hinrich included. Disappointing. I was ready to hand them the keys to the Eastern Conference after the Heat series. They need to win both at home in the worst way.


• Springfest '07 came and went, and it wasn't the same. The biggest sign of the times was that Paul St. Aubyn was part of the DUI enforcement team. Read that last sentence again. It was still Springfest, however, and there was the standard douchebag that baited T-Nels into a fight, prompting Fundy to come over and tell him "Stop licking your lips you fucking homo" and pull the guy's shirt over his head, hockey-fight style. This was followed by the guy going to get his friends, seeing he was out-numbered by at least 10, and quickly squashing the beef. I didn't meet up with everyone until 5 pm, and to get me caught up, Timmy B physically forced me to do 5 consecutive root beer barrels before I could enter Kristin's apartment. That was a microcosm of my entire night. Since I had to "catch up to everyone else" everybody kept feeding me shots all night. The plus side: I spent 0 dollars the whole night. The negative side: I blacked out around 11:30 and don't know how I got home. The important thing is I'm OK.


• Eye-opening season-opener for softball last night. After last year's 18-2 record (we avenged our only two losses by beating the team that swept us earlier 16-1 in the championship) we felt pretty cocky beginning our title defense. That feeling was gone after getting swept by the Cuckoo's Nest 6-5, 15-5. In addition, the pool table and PGA Championship machine are gone from Boston's, and the amount of free beer we get for coming in after games has been cut in half. Could be a rough year.

Beat! The! Mavs!

Immensely entertaining game 5 last night between Golden State and Dallas, as this series gets better and better. Immediately after the game 1 victory by Golden State I was intrigued; everyone loves an underdog, and I am not in the Dallas Maverick fan club; even my boy Jason Terry doesn't impress me much anymore. Then watching the games in Oakland was phenomenal. If all NBA games were like that, the gap between college and pro ball in my mind would be all but closed. That's a city that has been waiting for the playoffs.

The Warriors have me intrigued. Baron Davis, Stephen Jackson, Matt Barnes, and to a lesser extent Jason Richardson and Al Harrington....talk about a team of crazies. Crazy in a good way, though. Crazy in a still caring about winning way. Crazy in an intimidating way, especially against a somewhat soft Dallas team. And don't tell me that Dallas showed toughness last night by winning, either. They blew a 21-point lead, at home, to an 8-seed, in an elimination game. It's been evident the whole series that Dallas is scared of Golden State, beginning with Avery's decision to play smallball with them in game 1.

If I was 7 or 8 years old, and this was my first playoffs, there is no doubt in my mind that Golden State would be my favorite team. I love the Warriors' attitude. The 3 that Baron hit to put them up 9 after he lost the ball was this team in a nutshell. Just a "Fuck it, the play is broken, this thing's going up. Right now." type of shot. And of course it's going in. Yeah, they play completely out of control at times, and Baron is yelling at Barnes, and Jackson looks like he is ready to recreate The Brawl at the Palace at any moment, and Nellie looks like he ate a bad rack of lamb right before tip-off, but I love it. Every second of it. I love how you never know who's gonna get T'd up next, or ejected, or gonna throw a punch (at either a Mav or a teammate.) Danny said it best last night when I looked over and told him towards the end of the game, "Whatever. They've got 'em in game 6 at home. No way Dallas wins in there." Danny's answer: "Yeah. Well, if nobody gets suspended before then. There's still 30 seconds left."

By the way, I am fully aware that I haven't had a single coherent, well put-together thought in this entire post. What can I say, this team and this series has me excited.

I Can't Get Into Jessica Alba (No Homo)

This post is a response to Bowen's blog from a while back that listed his favorite women in showbiz. His number 1 was Jessica Alba. I am the only guy I know who doesn't think she is smoking hot. I can't help it; she is a good-looking girl, but I said at the time that I don't think she would crack my top 20. I was subsequently asked to name my top 20. At first I thought maybe I made an unrealistic claim, but this was actually easier than I thought. Alba might not make my top 30. Anyways, I didn't put them in order, but here are 20 women I think are hotter than Jessica Alba:

1. Jessica Simpson
2. Jessical Biel
3. Lindsey Lohan (not the 2005 version)
4. Anna Kournikova
5. Jennifer Aniston
6. Angelina Jolie
7. Elisha Cuthbert
8. Beyonce
9. Alicia Keys (sure to take some heat for this one, but see her in Smokin' Aces, then we can argue)
10. Natalie Portman
11. Rachel Bilson
12. Mandy Moore
13. Halle Berry
14. Olivia Wilde
15. Elisha Dushku
16. Rachel McAdams
17. Kiera Knightley
18. Sarah Michelle Gellar
19. Eva Mendes
20. Kirsten Dunst

So there it is. You can give me shit; I'm used to it regarding this topic. For the record, Scarlett Johanssen doesn't get me real fired up either.

A couple of completely off-topic messages to pass along:

Brandon Rush: Be cool. Stay in school.

Gary Thorne: The bloody sock is real. Just because Schill is in the middle of throwing a gem at your boys, don't get mad and make things up. For shame.

We're Not In Kansas Anymore

One of the better weekends in recent memory, due to a great time in Lawrence and Kansas City and a fantastic sweep of the Yanks.

Thursday: Leave Grand Forks around noon. When Alex falls asleep, Danny and I pass the time by putting the lottery teams in a hat, doing a mock lottery, then divvying up teams and doing our version of the first round of the NBA draft. Alex wakes up around the 19th pick, figures out what we're doing, mutters "you guys are unbelievable," then goes back to sleep. Arrive in Lawrence about 10, pick up Lane and Skye, and hit Henry McT's for 1$ beers and 3$ chicken strip baskets. It goes without saying that I will be a frequent visitor of Henry McT's.

Friday: Apartment hunting all day. Look at 8 different places, and the longshot going in (The Reserves on West 31st) emerges as the runaway victor. The only downside is the lease doesn't begin until mid-August, so it appears that I am stuck in GF for longer than planned. Get back to Lane and Skye's, where we are joined by Dunph, who is training in K.C. Game on.

We go to Bigg's Barbeque, and for the next 2 hours, I don't put a thing in my mouth that doesn't taste phenomenal....except for my foot, which doesn't taste so great as Gay-Rod homers twice (see preceding post.)

When we arrive at the Red Lyon, I am at the bar getting my first Morgan of the night, a little bit sullen, when a dude in a Sox hat slaps me as he walks by and points at a TV. It's now 6-4 and we're still threatening. After the comeback is complete my mood is restored. Let's booze. As if that comeback wasn't enough, we then watch Dunph do his best Roy McAvoy impression on the 18th in Golden Tee, and Lane impossibly erases a six-shot deficit in one hole for the W. Good times all around.

After bar is when things get interesting. No one really remembers when the conversation turns left into Ridiculousville, but Dunph ends up throwing down the challenge that we all shave our beards and sport moustaches for the Royals-Twins game the next day. While we're at it, we shave Lane's head, the dog, and put a fade in my head, Julian-style. Yikes.

Saturday, 10:00 AM: I have now slept a total of 8 hours in two nights, and am feeling the effects. Not even the Old Reliable from Subway (Roast beef, cheese, lettuce, onions, salt and pepper on italian) can pull me out of it. I have doubts about tailgating.

Saturday, 12:30 PM: Doubts erased after a couple of parking lot beers. Feeling good about drinking, betting on the Twins against Zach Greinke at -1 1/2, and my moustache. Kaufmann Field is beautiful. It slides into my #4 spot behind Fenway, Wrigley, and Camden. Keep in mind my list is only of stadiums I've been to.

Now normally we are gonna talk at least a little bit of shit, especially when the crowd is only 60/40 Royals fans, but don't let anyone tell you differently: Royals fans are surprisingly feisty. This leads to some interesting exchanges:

Guy in front of us nearly has a heart attack cheering after a misplayed ball leads to two early K.C. runs. Dunph tells him, "You might as well cheer for something, cause it's not gonna be for wins."

Guy behind us exclaims that Emil Brown is his favorite player after he catches a fly ball. "What?!?!" Lane screams, and starts dialing his phone. "Lane, who are you calling?"

"My dad, to tell him that this guy's favorite goddam player is Emil Brown!"

During a between-inning home run derby for little kids, a kid in a Royals hat is swinging and missing repeatedly. Dunph lets our whole section know: "That's pretty typical of Kansas City baseball: Shitty." After the kid is done and the Twins fans are booing him, Dunph shouts "You suck just like the Royals!!!" For some reason I think this is the funniest thing I have ever heard, and it results in me giggling for a solid inning and a half.

Late in the game, a guy a few sections away drops a foul ball. A guy in front of us states "He woulda had that if he was wearing a glove." I let him know "It wouldn't matter if he caught the ball, he'd be a huge dork for wearing a glove to a game." 35 year old guy next to first guy turns around, flashes a glove at me, and says "Oh yeah? What's wrong with that?" Me: "Ummm, you look like a huge dork." That one got tons of laughs from our surrounding area.

OK, maybe those weren't examples of Royals fans being feisty. Just losers. Except for one old man who told Lane as he walked out of the stadium "Have some class you dumbass." That was pretty cool, plus bonus points for rhyming while being feisty. And yes, the Twins covered the spread.

Sunday: Nothing eventful during the day, besides a loss for Kobe, which never hurts. On the drive home Danny and I set up the NBA brackets and pick the winners. By winners I mean "which coach would kick the other coach's ass." I have a finals of Sam Mitchell over Jeff Van Gundy (what can I say, Van Gundy impressed me when he got dragged around by Alonzo ten years ago), while Danny goes with Scott Skiles over Jerry Sloan. This is followed by the wonderful Sox-Yanks game on ESPN radio, highlighted by the four homers in a row. We heard the first three, then abruptly lost the station. As I frantically scan through the others, I scream about how Varitek was probably gonna go deep while I was hitting the fucking seek button. I'll let you figure out what happened next. Still a great game, great series, and great sweep. Best record in baseball, with the slumping Blue Jays coming to town.

Thank you Lane and Skye for being superb hosts, the Royals for sucking and letting me and Dunph win $150 when the Twins tried their hardest to lose, and Dan Schulman and Dave Campbell for bringing me some happiness during a long, boring drive.

First Round Fever

In Lawrence apartment-hunting with Danny and Alex, along with our marvelous hosts Skye and Lane, but this is too awesome of a first round of NBA playoffs not to offer my wonderful opinion. So, quickly:

Detroit over Orlando in 5
Cleveland over Washington in 4
Toronto over New Jersey in 7
Chicago over Miami in 7

Dallas over Golden State in 5
Phoenix over Los Angeles in 5
San Antonio over Denver in 6
Houston over Utah in 7

Gay-Rod's fantastically gay streak of hitting gay home runs comes to a screeching halt this weekend, as well.

Let Me Clear My Throat

Here are some people who have been mildly upsetting me in my day-to-day life lately:

The asian guy from the Cingular commercials. What a fucking toolshed this guy is. His entire life revolves around how sweet his phone is. All he does is hang around the white guy with an inferior phone. They go to sporting events; he makes fun of his phone. They go to a concert; he makes fun of his phone. They travel to fucking Europe together and the dude is still ripping on his phone! Why don't you go hang out some real friends and do something fun? Wait, you probably don't have any real friends because you're a giant douchebag who only wants to talk about your cell phone. You better just go hang out with the half-tard white guy. And to the white guy: what are doing hanging out with this asian dude? Do you have a fetish for verbal abuse? Take a look in the mirror. You can do better. Actually I'm not even positive it's a Cingular commercial cause I'm usually too angry about the asian guy.

Ice Cube. What the fuck? How bad can you sell out? At least the movies you were doing before were a little bit gangsta. Lame, but at least you were shooting people. Now we've graduated onto "Are We There Yet?" and the most recent "Are We Done Yet?" How about "Are YOU Done Yet?" This is the same guy who helped put gangsta rap on the map. He rapped about shooting police with N.W.A, beating the shit out of Cypress Hill with the Westside Connection, and now he's driving a couple of bratty kids around in a minivan and battling with talking raccoons. Not saying that I enjoy or encourage violence in the rap world, but if it were 1997, there's no way this shit would be going on. Cube would've got popped long before he decided to sell his barbershop (and his soul.)

The guy at Fenway who threw his slice of pizza. French, maybe you have some inside info, but taking the replay at face value, what the fuck? Was he an Angels fan? Was the guy who muffed the foul ball an Angels fan? Was the dude pissed about the weather? Was the pizza just that bad? Was the guy just hammered and it seemed like a good idea at the time? Questions abound. In my Fenway experiences I have seen nothing close to Sox Fan-on Sox Fan crime.

Joakim Noah, Al Horford, and Corey Brewer. I know everyone hates Noah, but the more I watched Florida this year, the more I hated all of them. At first I thought it was good for college ball, that everyone came back to win another title when they could've been lottery picks. But these dudes are some cocky fucks. Horford is the one who really snuck up on me. I thought he was a pretty solid guy, until against Oregon I saw him grab a rebound, flex his muscles, glance down at them, glance up at the Oregon student section, glance back down at his muscles, and then throw an outlet pass. This was during a play! So then I start actually watching him, and he is talking shit the whole game. Same with Brewer. Add in Horford's little shimmy in the championship game (I knew that was coming at some point) and Noah's post-game interview bullshit ("you don't even know what I'm talking about right now, but my Gator boys do") and there you have it. I would give up one of my testicles to see Noah pull his screaming routine after an ordinary layup against Kevin Garnett. Maybe even both of them. I hope that second championship trophy is worth it. It cost you millions. Have fun being a scrub in the pros.

10 Things I Hate About Ju

Editors note: I do not hate Julian Wright. At all. I was gonna call this post '10 things I hate about Julian leaving', but could you pass up the title I ended up using? Me neither.

1) He is my second favorite Jayhawk of all time, after Hinrich.

2) He is also probably the most fun to watch Jayhawk of my time, in his own way. Not like a "whatever bad things may happen, it's OK, because Kirk will make it all better" but a "Julian's on a fast break...there's an equal chance he will cross over this point guard, spin, and dunk over their center...or he will dribble it off his knee" kind of way. To put it another way, watching Kirk made you feel like you were wrapped up in a warm blanket, with a glass of milk and some fresh cookies. Watching Julian was like riding on a roller coaster without the safety bar down. Both ways were fun.

3) I never got to see him play in person, due to unavailability of tickets his freshman year, and me not being able to make time to get down there this year. I figured next year I would be seeing him play multiple times. Now I can only wish.

4) This was a complete and total 180. All year long he said he was staying. He even used the phrase "100% sure." Maybe I should've learned after Roy that there are no sure things, but still. He said he recently saw how high his draft status was. What?!? He's been a top-10 pick all year, and at the 4 spot the last half year. He didn't know that? Plus, since the Final 4, he has actually been passed by Horford, Hibbert, Brewer, Green, and Yao Ming Part 2, and is back down in the 10ish range.

5) With Afflalo going pro, we were probably preseason #1 next year. And if Brandan Wright goes pro, we probably would've been a unanimous #1.

6) I think this results in Brandon Rush going pro now too. We could handle the loss of one of them and still be in title contention. Not both. I believe one thing in Rush's head was "if I do come back, at least everyone else will be there and we will have a shot to win a title again..." Now I don't know.

7) I'm not very used to players leaving early. In my era, only Drew Gooden and Paul Pierce have left. With Gooden, you knew it was coming. You were prepared for it. Same with Pierce, to a slightly lesser extent. Not with Julian.

8) The wounds from the UCLA game were beginning to scar over a bit. I was starting to check preseason rankings, reading about the new recruits coming in, getting excited about how pissed and motivated everyone (except Rush) was, and then BAM.

9) How, if for just one season, it was cool to shave your name in your head again. Even if it was just the JU. I was aboutthisclose to putting a JI on my dome.

10) I really, really, really don't need another reminder about how it ain't easy being a Jayhawk fan. The scary thing is I don't even live there yet. Vegas has the odds at 3-2 that I suffer multiple heart attacks next year.

National League Preview '07

To clarify on the whole fair-weather fan subject, my main beef is with the people who act all diehard and live and die with every pitch...once they matter. If you don't claim to be a huge fan (Ben, and Danny with the A's) I have no problem with that. The number of people who came out of the woodwork a couple years ago, disappeared last spring, then re-emerged in the second half of the year astounded and disgusted me. These are the same people that probably didn't watch a game from 1993-2002, and the new team they adopted in that time frame is probably struggling now. Anyhoo...

NL EAST:

1. New York Mets: The pitching won't scare anyone, but like the Yanks, this lineup is ridiculous. In the NL that's more than enough.

2. Philadelphia Phillies: After another good off-season, will this be the year they live up to expectations? Yes!!! Well, probably. Maybe....umm, we'll wait and see.

3. Florida Marlins: There will probably be some sophomore slumps, but I wouldn't be surprised at all to see them challenge the Mets.

4. Atlanta Braves: Weird to see them this low. We'll have to get to used to it, because they're not going anywhere for a while.

5. Washington Nationals: Yikes. To quote Bill Walton, this team is ATROCIOUS.

NL CENTRAL:

1. St. Louis Cardinals: Any team in this division could conceivably win it, but until one of these teams steps up and does it, I'm sticking with the Birds.

2. Milwaukee Brewers: A lot of young studs on this team. Under the radar.....

3. Cincinnati Reds: Moving to right a great move for Junior. A spotty rotation and worse bullpen, but they find ways to win.

4. Chicago Cubs: If you spend over $300 million and only add Soriano and a bunch of average guys...I mean, wow. Wow.

5. Houston Astros: Even if Clemens choo-choo-chooses Houston, it won't be enough. The Oakland of the National League doesn't have it in them this year.

6. Pittsburgh Pirates: I'm comfortable with them being anywhere from 2nd to last in this division. Like the Brewers, lots of young guys to get excited about.

NL WEST:

1. Los Angeles Dodgers: Lineup got worse, pitching got better. I really want to take Colorado here, but a team that employs Byung-Hung Kim just cannot win a division.

2. Colorado Rockies: Have a good young core, but need to take advantage of Todd Helton before he is totally washed up.

3. San Diego Padres: Decent pitching, but I am just not feeling them. They overachieved a ton last year.

4. Arizona Diamondbacks: A year or two away from getting a stranglehold on the division.

MVP: Relax, Albert, you got it this year. Don't get pissed at Ryan Howard again. Runner-up: Carlos Beltran.

Cy Young: Brandon Webb. Runner-up: Roy Oswalt.

Rookie of the Year: Chris Young. Runner-up: Kevin Kouzmanoff.

Most improved: Hanley Ramirez. Runner-up: Prince Fielder.

Biggest fall-offs: Chipper Jones, Brian Giles, Craig Biggio.

PLAYOFFS:

New York over St. Louis, Philadelphia over Los Angeles
New York over Philadelphia

American League Preview '07

To answer your question, after seeing my shirt and tie, yes, Roy Williams did ask me to join his staff as an assistant coach. I said no and told him to fuck himself. He announced a press conference and cried. On to baseball:

AL EAST:

1. New York Yankees: As biased as I am, I still think they will take the division. They might not be well set up for October, when pitching takes over, but this lineup is stupid good. You can have shitty pitching when you score 7 runs a game.

2. Boston Red Sox: On paper, this team is LOADED. If this were a season in a video game with the injuries turned off, they go all the way. Questions abound, though: Will everyone stay healthy? Will Drew and Lugo fold in Boston's pressure cooker? Will Dice-K be as good as advertised? Will Papelbon's shoulder hold up? Is Varitek done as a hitter? Will Pedroia play like he should be in the big leagues? Yikes. Let's talk in October. They could have the best record in baseball or be in 3rd in the division.

3. Toronto Blue Jays: I almost feel bad for them. Almost. One of the many, many AL teams that wish they were in the NL.

4. Tampa Bay Devil Rays: Great young nucleus, led by Kazmir and Crawford, who routinely kill the Sox. Maybe someday they can compete with the top of the division.

5. Baltimore Orioles: Throwing money at big names hasn't worked. Time for a youth movement.

AL CENTRAL:

1. Detroit Tigers: With everyone pimping the Tribe, the Tigers, who only went out and added Gary Sheffield to the AL champs, have been forgotten. Fuck that.

2. Cleveland Indians: I refuse to jump on their bandwagon. Refuse. Partly because I am bitter because back in 2002, I predicted them to take the big leap in 2005, and they didn't, and now everyone says this is the year. And partly because it is tough to watch Trot in a Cleveland uniform.

3. Minnesota Twins: The second half of last year was the result of every single player on the 25-man roster playing to the maximum of their potential. That will not happen again. And oh yeah, Liriano is out all year.

4. Chicago White Sox: Year 2 of the "2005 Was A Giant Fluke" era.

5. Kansas City Royals: Year 21 of the "1985 Was So Long Ago" era.

AL WEST:

1. Los Angeles Angels: Santana and Kendrick take the leap, and watch them get a big name at the deadline to wrap up the division.

2. Oakland A's: They can't make another ridiculous run in August with an overmatched roster after losing another star in the off-season, can they? Can they?!?!

3. Texas Rangers: Some talent, and the rotation will be better...but Eric Gagne? Sammy Sosa? Frank Cattalonoto? These are not the acquisitions that puts a team into the playoffs. The "Sign Kenny Lofton and Win the Wild Card" theory only applies to the National League.

4. Seattle Mariners: Nope.

MVP: David Ortiz. Would've won it last year if the team didn't get hurt and fall apart. Would've won it in '05 if the voters weren't gay. Runner-up: Travis Hafner.

Cy Young: Jeremy Bonderman. Runner-up: Dice-K.

Rookie of the Year: Alex Gordon. Runner-up: B.J. Upton. Umm, wait...does Dice-K count?

Most Improved: Howie Kendrick. Runner-up: Josh Barfield.

Biggest fall-offs: Frank Thomas, Jermaine Dye, Michael Cuddyer.

PLAYOFFS:

Detroit over Boston, New York over Los Angeles.
Detroit over New York.
But hopefully Boston over everybody.

It Might Always Be Sunny In Philadelphia, But It's Never Sunny In Devils Lake

Just returned from Harvey, North Dakota, where Alex's (I'm ditching 'The Woman' thing, using an alias for the girlfriend is getting old.) sister got married. On Final 4 night. Who does that? Seriously? Here were the negatives to this wedding trip:

• Have to attempt to tape the games, shut off my phone, ignore all hoop conversations, and not watch or listen to any sports channels for 20 hours.
• Have to drive to fucking Harvey. Population: Depressingly Small.
• On said drive, must pass through both Devils Lake AND Fort Totten, a little stretch of highway I like to call "The Choad of North Dakota."
• I have only met Alex's dad once, and many of the extended family never. So I had to walk the tightrope of being drunk enough to dance, so I'm not the loser boyfriend who can't have a good time; and being coherent enough so I'm not the drunk-ass boyfriend who can't hold his booze.
• Initially I was excited about my new shirt and tie ensemble, but now I'm thinking I kind of look like an assistant coach for North Carolina.
• Did I mention I had to miss the Final 4?

So here's how things played out: The drive sucked, although I did hold my middle finger out the window all the way through Fort Totten, which was surprisingly therapeutic. I did have an epiphany regarding part of the reason why I hate Devils Lake: it is never sunny there. Never. Not once have I been through the town, or in the town, when the sun was shining. Today was no different, as it was raining on and off the entire drive. Maybe I would like the town if it was sunny just once while I was there......on second thought, fuck Devils Lake.

I successfully avoided any and all information about the games, although, during the present-opening this morning, I had to put my fingers in my ears and yell "lalalalalalala" when a convo about the games unexpectedly broke out. Yeah, that's exactly what I want to do around a girlfriend's family that I just met. Not weird at all.

Best of all, I walked the drinking tightrope like the pro that I am. I have to say, I had the 'A' game working. Grandmas and Aunts loved me; Grandpas, Uncles, and male cousins respected my drinking ability. I even won over the female cousin contingent by dancing the Macarena. Don't EVER underestimate the importance of knowing the Macarena and the Electric Slide. Plus, I had the stereotypical shitfaced cousin Jason (for a little clearer picture, let's just say that he brought his own can coozy) who played the part of the guy who can't hold his booze, taking some pressure off of me. He almost sucked me down his drain by buying me three jag bombs in a five minute stretch, but like I said, all facets of my game were on.

However, the other shoe had to drop at some point, and this afternoon it did, when I found that the VCR did not record. UNBELIEVABLE. In my life, this has never worked out for me. At least the games sucked (so I've heard.) However, this is only the second Final 4 I have missed since 1989 (1998 being the other.) Not a good feeling, and it begs the question: am I destined to miss the semifinal games every 9 years? I'll let you know in 2016.

National championship and opening day for most of baseball tomorrow, and the Masters on Thursday. This is my excited face.

The Top 5. Volume 3.

Every guy who has been to college knows and understands the beauty of the fake name. If you're talking to an annoying girl, if you're out of town, or if you're just feeling stupid and exceedingly drunk, the fake name is everything from a lifesaver to a good laugh. Here are my top 5 favorite fake names I have employed at various times over the last few years.

#5: Reemis Kofax. It was not very believable, and it's ripped off from Big Daddy, when Sonny Kofax (Adam Sandler) is pretending to talk to someone else on the phone, "Yes, Uncle Reemis, the catfish are huge," but I have a special love for it because it was my first fake name.

#4: Scott Jamison. I liked this one initially, but now a few years later, it seems dumb. What white guy, especially in North Dakota, has the last name Jamison? One good result of this name was meeting a hot, yet dumb-as-rocks girl at a party on a Friday, giving her the Scott Jamison name and fake number, then coming home on Saturday night to a party going on at Culligan Manor. Apparently she was acquaintances with one of my other friends, and she had just received a tour of the whole place, including my room, where she learned my true identity.  I received a good ass-chewing from her regarding maturity, which is always fun when you're walking into your own bedroom. Great stuff.

#3: Tom Harkin. Mixed feelings about this one as well. I absolutely love it, as I am huge fan of the Chappelle sketch where Howard Dean goes on his rant, finishing with "Byaaahhhh!!!!" He starts out by saying "We're not just going to take New Hampshire...(points to someone in the background) ....Tom Harkin. We're gonna take New York, and Ohio....etc. etc." So to me and a select few who also love the show, it's about as funny as a fake name can be. However, not that many people share my love of the name, or even know what I'm talking about. That is what keeps it at #3. This is the current name I've been using, including pretty much the whole time in Texas a couple weeks ago.

#2: Chip (last name unknown): This one gets #2 for one story, and one story only. A couple years ago, I get a phone call from a number I don't know, so I flush it. The message, paraphrased, is this:

"Hey, Chip, this is Stacy...um, we met at that party last weekend with the Harlem Globetrotters, and I just thought you were really funny, the way you were messing with them, and you were just really funny when we were talking, and, um, and I was just calling to see what you are up to tonight. Call me back. Bye."

A little back story: a couple nights earlier, I was a party at our neighbors' when the Globetrotters, who were in town for an exhibition game, showed up. I was blacked out the entire time, I barely remember a thing.

So not wanting to actually talk to this girl, who I have no recollection of, I have a buddy call the girl back, and ask for details on how "Chip" was fucking with the 'trotters. Apparently, I strolled up to them with a ball, and started going into a 5th grade basketball camp routine, ball between the legs, around the hips, around my head, all that good shit. All while humming the Sweet Georgia Brown song and talking shit to them about how I was just as good as they were. Allegedly, the phrase "The Washington Generals ain't got shit on me" left my mouth. They just laughed, and when they asked me my name, I came back with Chip. And the rest, as they say, is history. To this day I don't know who the girl was; I never called her back.

#1: Adam Banks. Some of you might already recognize this one. That's right, the cake-eater himself, leading scorer of the Mighty Ducks. This one is awesome because you can see the wheels turning in girls' heads as they ponder the name they have been given. The light bulb alllllmost kicks on, but then the booze takes back over, and they accept the name. I've only been busted on it once, by a savvy Vegas girl at the craps table. This name was born on a drunken night in Minot (yeah we were drinking in Minot, hence the reason to spice things up with fake names) and a group of us guys decided to be Banks, Jesse Hall, Dwayne Robertson, Fulton Reed, Greg Goldberg, and Gordon Bombay. We even had our friend Erica be Julie "The Cat" Gaffney.  Another great thing about this name, or combination of names, is most guys you meet will get the reference, but not let the girls they are with in on it. They know what's up.

So next time you are with a bunch of dudes in a strange town gettin' sauced up, don't be yourself. Be the Mighty Ducks. Just don't use Charlie Conway; chicks always catch that one.

The Day After

Been struggling through the day that is always the worst day of the year; the day after Kansas loses. I have been handling it much better than the last two years, partly because I never really felt that confident against UCLA, partly because it wasn't a first round game against an inferior opponent, partly because we have nearly everyone back next year (I'm thinking Brandon Rush is gone.) It was a good run, but looking at their faces halfway through the second half, you knew it was done. Add in the fact that they shot under 50% on layups and dunks, and it's a wonder they stayed as close as they did. On the plus side, following my after-loss shenanigans of the last couple years, my friends are officially scared to do anything after KU loses. We had a sellout crowd at Culligan Manor, employing the dual TVs for the UND hockey game, and there was a stretch of about 15 minutes, starting with about 2 minutes left in the KU game, where no one talked, until finally I said something, and conversation resumed again. I also received no phone calls or texties until a couple hours later. Good times. However, as I started crushing beers after the game and subsequently went out to the bar, I received this award-winning texty from The Woman:

"Call if you need a ride--please don't go to jail tonight--I don't know where it is."

OK enough about KU; my therapist said to stay positive and think about all the good things in my life. I suppose I have to give Memphis props, as they advanced further than I thought they would, and destroyed my bracket by beating A&M. Thanks, guys. That being said, I would have loved to play them instead of UCLA to go to the final 4. With all due respect to Fundy, who shows me love regarding KU, even cheering for them last night, but I am happy to see Carolina crap the bed against G'town today. Anything that results in Roy crying is OK in my book. It will be fun to watch Hibbert and Oden go at each other. Quick picks: Florida over UCLA, Georgetown over Ohio St. We've been blessed by basically having two final 4's this year.

Thumbs down to the Grand Am tournament, which quickly turned into Devils Lake tournament in the last two years that I didn't play. Our last game was downright Fort Totten-esque, played at South Middle School, with refs that didn't know the rules. I am tired of organized basketball in general. I can't remember the last game I played in where there were competent referees.

Also, Brady Morningstar is now my facebook friend. Still waiting for Mario Chalmers, Brandon Rush, Darnell Jackson, and Russell Robinson to answer. Julian Wright doesn't allow random people to give friend requests. God bless facebook. Not creepy at all.

French, your continual pimping of the McGriddle has piqued the curiousity of both my taste buds and myself. My goals for the week now include trying one.

Fan Mail

In response to Dunph from Grand Forks, who said my elite 8 was chalk and I was a homo for picking it, let's do a little breakdown of our respective elite 8's.

Mine: Florida, Oregon, Kansas, UCLA, UNC, Georgetown, Ohio St., Texas A & M

Dunph's: Florida, Wisconsin, Kansas, UCLA, Texas, Georgetown, Ohio St., Texas A & M.

So basically, they are the same, except all my teams are still alive. In closing, Dunph from Grand Forks, don't be pissed that you recently found out that watching Josh McRoberts and Greg Paulus is the gayest thing on TV since the last episode of Will and Grace.

Tourney Thoughts

Due to Blogger being completely gay the last week or so, I was unable to to write any kind of March Madness preview. It's pretty much worthless now because most of the people who read this know my bracket anyway, but whatever:

Elite 8 of Ohio St., Texas A&M, Kansas, UCLA, Florida, Oregon, UNC, Georgetown. Final 4 of KU, Fla, A&M, UNC. A&M over Fla in the final. My upsets that have panned out so far have been VCU over Duke, UNLV over Wisconsin and Vandy over WSU. My unsuccessful ones were Nevada over Memphis, Arkansas over USC, and Old Dominion over Butler. So I'm looking pretty good so far, like everyone else in this chalk tournament. However, my bracket success has not translated into winning money. Not even close. Special thanks to Texas this afternoon.

Best games so far have been Ohio St.-Xavier, VCU-Duke, Vandy-WSU and Pitt-VCU. Shot of the tourney was Ron Lewis's ridiculous shot from the parking lot with two hands in his face to send that game to OT, receiving bonus points for my boy Gus Johnson calling that game. Saturday's awesomeness made up for Thursday's shittiness. Feeling really good about KU as they have been the most impressive of the 1 seeds so far. Rush is the X factor, and when he is on, they become wayyyy tougher.

Commercial of the tourney so far is undoubtedly the Sonic commercial where the guy talks about Charlie, his stomach grumble. "Lookin good dude." Not as sweet as last year when the Applebees guys sang about a "three hour tew-errrrr", but it'll do.

Pictures and stories from Texas once I get the pics from Annie. After this last week and a half, I am excited to hook up to the rejuvenator for a few days and not drink. Peace.

Your 2006-2007 Grand Forks Modo Ramal

Our city league team, Modo Ramal (a team name I never would've agreed to had I known that it was secretly Lamar Odom backwards.) Bottom row: Ricky Shiu, Michael Boser (you may know him as Keanu Reeves,) myself, and Matt Abentroth. Top row: Dan Sondreal, Randy Mo-, um, Ryan Hazzard, and Tony Plathe. I am proud that this team went 6-8 in the top division, overcoming the fact that our tallest guy was 6'4'', and I was the power forward at all of 6'2''.

Texas trip this weekend. Tonight in Minneapolis, Friday in Corpus Christi, Saturday in San Antonio, Sunday in Dallas. Goals for the weekend: get shitfaced, go to the beach, don't get arrested, watch KU get a 1 seed with Wisconsin as the 2 and Memphis as the 3 in their bracket. Hope everyone has a happy Selection Sunday. Peace.

Odds And Ends And Elbows

To borrow a line from Tupac (sort of): FUCK DUKE AS A STAFF, A BASKETBALL TEAM, AND AS A MUTHA FUCKIN' CREW. And if you want to be down with Duke, then fuck you too. The more I hear about the Henderson/Hansbrough incident, and the more times I see the replay and see how blatant that was, the more angry I get. As if enough people didn't hate Duke already. And anyone who plays that card, "Everyone is only saying it's intentional because they hate Duke" can go fist themself. There isn't a person on the planet (Coach Gay included) that honestly thinks that. I think Simmons made an excellent point when he stated what he thinks would happen if the roles were reversed. Coach Gay would have had Hansbrough banned from all of college fucking basketball. Plus, this whole shebangabang reminded me of when Christian Laettner stomped on the Kentucky player in '92. Fucking A. Duke is a bunch of queers. How could anyone cheer for those faggots? OK I'm done. For now.

Simmons also has said he thinks KU is going to win the title, which in no way makes me feel good. I know that he has recently made his foray into college basketball, but watching a bunch of Texas games and TIVOing whatever other major game is on ESPN or CBS does not mean that you know anything about college hoops. As much as I love Simmons, I would rather he not be on board the KU bandwagon. Who punched his ticket to get on, anyway?

With that said, here is a mini-breakdown of some of the top 10:

SCARE THE HELL OUT OF ME:

North Carolina: An already very good team just had their toughness factor bumped into the red. The one knock I had on them was their play in crunch time. Hansbrough, who I have thought looks soft at times, is going to absolutely fuck people up now. He's fucking pissed.

Florida: Anyone who thinks they are done because they lost a couple of games in one of the toughest conferences in America (Simmons) can eat shit. This team was built in the Contending For National Titles Factory.

Texas A&M: Probably the mentally toughest team in America, which goes a long way in the tourney.

DOESN'T SCARE ME AS MUCH AS THEY PROBABLY SHOULD:

Ohio St.: Simply for the fact that teams that live and die by the 3 usually don't make it in the tourney. But if they get hot for 6 games, they will roll to the title.

UCLA: I don't exactly know why. Maybe it's the Midwest bias. They're deep, but it never seems like everyone shows up at once. If their entire rotation all came to play for one game, they would be even more amazing.

Georgetown: I have no idea what to do with this team. A couple of weeks ago I had them pegged as my sleeper Final 4 team. Watching a little more of them lately, now I kinda think that they just stink of early-round upset. Gotta love college hoops.

CAN THEY BE A 2 SEED IN KU'S BRACKET, PLEASE?:

Memphis: Here are six words to remember when filling out your bracket: Memphis sucks. Memphis sucks. Memphis sucks. Don't let anyone tell you differently. I already knew that they hadn't played anyone, but I decided to double check to avoid sounding like an asshole, and what I found astounded me. Look at their list of wins: Jackson St., Oklahoma, Kentucky, Arkansas St., Manhattan, Marshall, Ole Miss, Austin Peay, M. Tenn. St., Lamar, Cincinnati, Houston, So. Miss, UAB, E. Carolina, Tulsa, So. Miss, Central Florida, SMU, UAB, Tulane, Tulsa, Gonzaga (by 1), Rice, Houston, UTEP, SMU. Possibly the worst #5 team in the history of the top 25.

Wisconsin: Wildly overrated all year long. Plus I'd rather watch a middle school girls' game than one of theirs.

Nevada: Also hasn't played much of anyone, and I think Fazekas will get killed by a smaller, more athletic forward.

Some other teams that have me mildly nervous thinking about playing them in the Sweet 16: Louisville, Maryland, Virginia Tech, Tennessee, and Indiana. Texas was in this category, but now after what they did in the first half at a rowdy Phog Allen Fieldhouse, they have been moved into the category of "Give Me A Couple Valium Before Tip-off."

In a completely unrelated story, Sausage Egg McMuffins have replaced Breakfast Burritos as my go-to choice for hangover food.

*I apologize for the amount of profanity. Duke makes me angry, and it is reflected throughout today's post.

At Least It's March

As we are in the midst of a two-foot snowfall, the only thing that makes me happy is that it is March. College basketball conference tourneys are starting, spring training is underway, and the greatest day of the year is just two short weeks away. The game between Texas and Texas A&M last night was game of the year so far. Acie Law is absolutely terrifying in the clutch. The shot he hit over Durant with 1.4 left was insane. They had to clean the paint from the rafters off the ball before overtime. Even though they ended up losing, I don't know how I am gonna pick against A&M in the tourney. They're scary good. A win against Texas on Saturday = Big 12 title for KU. Excited to see Durant match up on either Julian or Arthur. Also a big F-U to Georgetown, Florida, Michigan St., North Carolina, and every other team on a hot streak that decided to shit the bed once we laid money on them. Speaking of gambling, I'm resurrecting the pool this year after a two-year hiatus due to spring break trips. Details soon.

Props to everyone who came to the impromptu noon-ball banquet at Royal Fork buffet; those senior citizens didn't know what hit them. I know I got my $7.91 worth in broasted chicken alone. Blogger is being gay and not posting the picture of the destruction we did to their food supply.

Watched Stranger Than Fiction and School For Scoundrels this week and was disappointed by both. We will look back on the years 2002-2005 as the glory days for comedies.

That's all for now; tax returns are piling up, it is starting to snow again, and I'm gonna go sharpen my pencil so that it actually penetrates the skin and into my juggular this time.

The Top 5. Volume 2.

I was sick as a dog all weekend, causing me to miss out on the Daytona 500 festivities, always one of the best days of the year, as the Bergmans actually watch the race with great interest, and the rest of us spend a Sunday afternoon watching cars go around in a circle occasionally crashing, and getting absolutely bombed. Everyone knows that Bergman is a world-class drunk dialer, but he had to have set a new record yesterday by calling me 13 times in a 5 hour span. Kudos, sir.

Anyways, being couch-ridden yesterday was a blessing in disguise, as I encountered possibly the best day of movies on TV in my life. I mean, look at this lineup: Rat Race, 10 Things I Hate About You, Bring It On, Bad Santa, Napoleon Dynamite, Any Given Sunday, Mean Girls, Not Another Teen Movie, Speed. Are you kidding? That, my friends, is a fucking murderer's row. I had to blow on the remote control every once in a while to cool it off. With that in mind, here are my top 5 movies on TV that I am dropping what I am doing and watching every time, no matter what. In high school we called them homework killers, which now seems ironic because we didn't have shit for homework.

5. Mortal Kombat: Don't ask me why; I couldn't tell you. Sonya Blade (Bridgette Wilson) is hot? Sure. Liu Kang's facial expressions and weird noises while fighting? Alright. Sweet-ass 1995 techno music? Sounds like as good a reason as any. A movie based on the video game that changed the landscape of video games forever, paving the way for such society-eroders like Grand Theft Auto? Where do I sign?

4. Not Another Teen Movie: This is the only movie on the list that inspired me enough to buy it...mostly cause it was 6 bucks at Best Buy. However, it is a legimately funny movie, with two of my favorite actors whose name I have no idea (a "That Guy" in the words of Simmons) : the token black guy "Bling bling!"...... "That is wack!" and the asshole quarterback who starts the bet "well Mr. Needs-To-Find-A-Date-For-The-Prom...let's find you a date for the prom"........"little Miss Run-Home-To-Her-Daddy...ran home to her daddy." Oh yeah this movie also has a few titty scenes in it, which don't transfer well to Comedy Central.

3. Mean Girls: Lindsey Lohan at her absolute prime, Rachel McAdams as she was blowing up, a few SNL characters (always good to see Tim Meadows getting work) and this stunning realizaton, which hit me last night: it's kind of a funny movie. I was laughing out loud, or LOLing, on more than one occasion. And yes, I am strangely comfortable admitting that.

2. Bring It On: This movie really has no redeemable qualities other than Kirsten Dunst and Eliza Dushku. Which is more than enough for the number 2 spot on this list.

1. 10 Things I Hate About You: The common denominator of every movie on this list is I really don't know why I like the particular movie. I do know that I am in love with the girl who plays Alex Mack (Larisa Oleynik?) I do know that I am not in the fan club of either Julia Styles or Heath Ledger. I do know that movies where a juvenile bet goes awry, the victims get mad at the particapants, then forgive them after either a) a half-assed apology or b) no apology usually don't do it for me. I also know that I have seen this movie upwards of 30 times, and neither myself nor anyone I know owns it.

As always, feel free to argue.

Shooting Star Casino...Where The Stars Always Shine!

A limo trip to the Shooting Star last Saturday night went horribly awry for one man. It started out innocently enough, but once certain elements were introduced, there was really no way it was going to end well.

Bad decision #1: Letting Jon-Jon convince me that wearing NBA arm sleeves would be funny. Under no circumstances is a 6'2'' white guy wearing a Ron Burgundy t-shirt, white button-up, and white arm sleeve funny. However, in my defense, it is probably slightly better than a 6'11'' white guy with a red t-shirt and red arm sleeve. A.I. and D-Wade, we ain't.

Bad decision #2: Jello shots on the limo. I told Leah and Annie not to bring them...

Bad decision #3: While stopping at the bar in Crookston, after checking scores and seeing us go 3 for 3 in college bball picks, doing celebratory shots. However, this did lead to seeing a dude in the bathroom in an old-school Winnipeg Jets jersey, and me dropping a pretty sweet Teemu Selanne reference on him. He seemed not to like it so much.

So needless to say I am pretty tuned up by the time we get to the Star. However, do not misconstrue the preceding paragraphs as me admitting fault for what happened. I'm just saying that once those events occurred, karma was not on my side.

Me, Russell, Bergman, Jon-Jon, and Steve hit the tables right away, while the girls went to the slots. I am treading water for quite a while, running my mouth in a good-natured way, the dealers love me, all is good. This goes on for an hour or so. Then, right when we start getting a little hot, out from the bullpen comes Julie, the lefty specialist brought in to shut me up. Everyone knows I can't hit lefties.

Now Julie has obviously had a bad day (or life), and I am not helping it. The one thing I will aceept responsibility for is swearing. When I'm drinking, I have a sailor's mouth, and when I am drinking and playing cards, all bets are off (pun intended.) However, Julie's ridiculous attitude is what took this thing to Defcom 5. Here is an example of one of our (many) exchanges:

Me (after doubling an 11, getting a 2, then watching Julie draw out a six card 21): Jesus Christ, would you look at these fucking cards right now?

Julie: No swearing at the table.

Me: I mean, wow. You've gotta be kidding me. You're killing me, Jules.

Julie, getting louder as the sentence progresses: Sir, do you realllly think that I'M IN CONTROL OF WHAT CARDS COME OUT?!?

Me: Ummm....no, I don't. It was a fucking joke.

Julie: NO SWEARING AT THE TABLE!!!!

And so on and so forth. Details get hazy at this point, but undoubtedly I was becoming more and more of a prick. I have absolutely no problem with dealers taking my money, but when they are assholes while they do it, I am no basket of cherries myself. I actually don't remember the knockout punch, but Jon-Jon filled me in:

Me: I want to tell you something Julie, and I'm gonna be real honest with you. (pause to make eye contact with her and put on my serious face.....) You are the worst blackjack dealer I have ever seen in my life.

Annnnd that's the game!

Supervisors were called over, then pit bosses, then THE pit boss, and I was on my not-so-merry way. I then spent the next hour wandering around, alternately taking things from the closed down buffet, telling everyone in earshot how unjust this was, and trying to get back on the tables. Three separate times I was chased from the blackjack area, until finally Russell found me and brought me to the high-roller room. There I get hot again, and recovered almost everything I lost to Julie, when the eye in the sky spots me, and the head pit boss comes storming in and tells me that no blackjack MEANS NO BLACKJACK, and that my services are no longer needed in the casino anymore.

Though I was pretty pissed at the time, I'm not real worried about it. I don't think I'm blacklisted with my picture up or anything, and I probably won't go to Mahnomen again anyway. However, it was interesting that the same schtick that 95% of blackjack dealers I have encountered love, got me thrown out on this occasion.

I blame the arm sleeve.

Giving Credit Where Credit Is Due

Random Event of the day (and possibly year) so far: some dude driving a camry or something like that comes flying down The Strip right in front of my window, whips the e-brake, and does the best 180 into a parking spot since Ace Ventura at Joe Robbie Stadium. I mean, it was between two cars and everything. 15-year-old girls couldn't parallel park this well if you gave them 45 minutes to do it. When the guy gets out of his car and walks down the sidewalk right in front of me, I pop out of my chair and give him a standing O, the first one I have ever given out for events seen through my window. He looks at me, squints, and keeps walking. Dick. So I went outside, keyed his car all to shit, and wrote a note saying, "Nice 180, Ace. You suck." Or I should've, anyway.

At first I was pretty pissy about Peyton and the Colts winning the SB, but I realized I can't be that mad. The last couple years, regarding the teams I hate, have been pretty gravy. The Yanks haven't won it all since 2000 (easy to forget) and are owners of the biggest choke job in sports; Duke hasn't won since 2001, they only have one Final 4 since, and finally a big stink is being made regarding how biased Dickie V, Mike Patrick, Billy Packer, and the refs are; the Lakers haven't done shit since Shaq left and Kobe has since been made a villain; and the Colts, until now, were known as the chokers of the NFL. So fine, no more being a baby. Congrats, Peyton. Cut that meat!!!

KU/KState tonight. You can officially put me in the camp of "Every single game left on KU's schedule scares me to death." With this team, I'll need a defibulator for the tourney.

Round 3 of the CPAs is tomorrow. Dear Mr. State Board of Accountancy: No more 74's, please. A 75 will suffice.

I'll leave you with these words from Gilbert Arenas, which I think is the funniest thing he has ever said. And that's saying something, considering the source.

"If I have the chance to go back to college, I'll give up one NBA season to play against Duke. One college game that's five fouls, right? ... 40-minute game at Duke, they got soft rims I'd probably score 84 or 85. I wouldn't pass the ball. I wouldn't even think about passing it. It would be like a NBA Live or an NBA 2K7 game, you just shoot with one person."